Monday, October 1, 2012

Am I A Fertile Now?

Seeing as how this is a sex baby, I often wonder if I am fertile now. Is it okay to make jokes about how pregnancy sucks? It is weird or normal that at a birthday party people ask us how it's going and how many kids we think we want, now that we have a choice and all? It is a little freeing to be able to make jokes and not feel as guilty or to complain more than I did last time, like fertile complaint level. Not obnoxious fertile, but definitely more than when I was a scared yet grateful infertile. Maybe now I'm a scared yet grateful fertile and perhaps that's a little different? I sat back once and told a tale to others about how my fertile friends don't have sex in the window that could create a Christmas baby and I just laugh because the good news about being infertile is that you can have sex whenever you want, ha HA HA! A real knee slapper. It's weird though as I didn't think that would happen and I wonder if I am the joke.

The fertiles have accepted me as one of their own now. Loosened up their "ooh, an infertile who is vocal about it, what should I say, let's just go with whatever is meant to happen will happen?" mentality and just be themselves. It's really interesting. But sometimes, I engage and end up feeling a lot like this . . . . .

1. Did you know that sometimes people send lists of chores that people can do in their home if you are going to come see their newborn along with a list of rules for coming over? I haven't experienced this, but I have seen talk of it. When they are having a baby, they feel that people should only come over to be of service to them, not just to enjoy the sweet smells of a new baby and congratulate you. Yes, they believe that because they are allowing you to see their child, as if there are not a bunch of others roaming this earth, you should do their LAUNDRY. Like if you are going to come pay a visit and share some joy for your little miracle, you should pay them back for this great favor they are doing you by giving birth to a new human by touching their shit stained underwear or cleaning their toilets. I think this is rude. Am I weird? Can't you just say normal things, like if you think you have Ebola virus please don't come over until you are feeling well? Or maybe I am really tired, I won't be cooking, could you bring a cheeseburger? I think that's okay. Chores? No.

2. I saw a whole big to do about single people and how awful they are for posting things like this to their Facebook:

The fertile mommy o'three could not believe how rude someone could be by enjoying anything other than reproducing. How this is SO demeaning to mothers! Do not get me wrong, having children is my thing. My number one, center of the universe, do anything for it or die thing and I can't imagine a life without children. BUT, I will emphasize that I can't imagine a life without it. Me. That does not mean everyone is the same. I can admit my FB posts are shamefully and almost entirely about my children because they are my life and frankly, I'm not going to post politics or religion or anything else that is going to invite the crazy in. I'm sure single people get bored of constant mom chatter and post funny things like how awesome they are for NOT having kids. So? The world does not revolve around us mothers, there are other people out there doing cool things that are meaningful to them and that's okay. Right? Or am I crazy again?

3. The craziest one was pre-this pregnancy and involved a family member and myself and the all important Facebook. It was right after I heard the news that I also have endometriosis and a bum ovary on top of PCOS and I was sad. I know people don't get it, but it was extremely depressing. Devastating. A family member text me re: their accidental pregnancy (or maybe not, I don't know, it could have been on purpose). I thanked them for telling me but told them I needed time to deal with my own issues. I wasn't at my best, I know this is not nice, but it's what I needed and I don't feel that guilty about it. I got on Facebook to a picture of this person's fetus and hit the defriend button, just temporarily. I know, I should have blocked it but I am not too FB savvy so I didn't know about that until the aftermath. THE AFTERMATH. Which was a big FB post about me and how I am crazy, talking all about my FET although I did not share that information myself on FB or to most family members or even friends, how no one should take this crap from me, how my twins will look back and see that they were never good enough for me, etc, etc. Yep, it was a real doozy. This is how an infertile person reads things like that "OMG, I am pregnant and deserve to be showered with attention due to my ability to achieve procreation. I cannot believe someone could be so insane to not understand that they need to not worry about their own mental health and give me all the attention in the world because I had unprotected sex and am gifting the earth with a child! Please, everyone I know, give me some attention so I can feel better about this!" And then the other fertiles all chimed in with "OMG, that is so crazy! Don't infertile people know they are not allowed to want what we want or have what we have and don't they understand that their world should revolve around us procreators and not themselves in a hard time? I mean really, lots of infertiles have no kids so who cares? Does she just want everyone to have abortions instead?" This is not a joke. This was real. It was one huge WTF. Then when I became part of the fertile club, I received a card from this person, not with an apology or acknowledgement that maybe that wasn't the coolest thing to do in response to disappointment, but just a "hey, you're pregnant, I'm so happy for you, we can be friends now." As if my only issue with the whole thing was me not being pregnant, not the fact that I was being called a crazy person that basically doesn't care about my own children and dealing with a huge change in the direction my life was headed. Yeah . . . .

It's hard to know if I am the crazy one or not. I'm not sure if I should start being offended by Neil Patrick Harris or sending people how I want my eggs cooked via email after I give birth or if I should start looking down on people who can't have babies without having sex, or if I should just continue on being weirded out by all those things with a side of relief and oh, haha, guess I'll get on birth control now. Really, where should I go? Are these things normal or a little out there even for the normally abled to reproduce the "old fashioned way?" I'm confused . . . . .

Back to normal life, we went out of town and rode four wheelers and tire swings with our two year olds! We went incredibly slow on the four wheelers, poor hubby was dying to press that gas peddle down just a bit farther but mean old mommy said NO WAY! They loved it! It's the simple things in life sometimes.

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  1. Why on earth woud you be offended by Neil Patrick Harris?

  2. yea, I am not quite sure what to call myself or how to idenify with my infertile self now that I got knocked up from SEX. I guess I can say that I know what fertiles feel like when they get that surprise BFP. I can see how completely amazing it is to be utterly shocked. My infertile self feels guilty for abandoning that part of me. Hmmm...I dunno!

    I am pretty f-in sick of the 3 fertiles I did tell saying "Oh, that's what IVF does--it resets you" because that is total bullshit. I know too many who have endured IVF treatment after IVF treatment and are still waiting.

  3. I know sometimes people say "It's the journey, not the destination", but I think in this case you can use the "end justifies the means" thought. It is just about being a mother, no matter how those children came into your arms and heart.

    I have found my IF road faded as my kids grew. I don't know how I would have felt if I found myself pregnant without intervention. It would put a damper on my joking, "He wasn't even in the room when I got pregnant" line. :-)

    Looks like a fun visit!! When we visited my brother's this summer - they have a kid sized yet real 4 wheeler. You can adjust the throttle and not let them go too fast. They loved it!!! (but would have liked to go faster, too)

  4. I saw one of those lists about visiting baby - um, crazy!

    I wish you all the best on the rest of your pregnancy!

  5. Wow, some people are just NOT cool :(

    But good to know it's apparently now acceptable to ask people visiting my baby to do my chores. "Thanks for stopping by - here's the toilet brush!"

  6. Okay, so I totally get this. TOTALLY. You know, since we are essentially in the same boat (twins via IVF then knocked up the "normal" way). And IDK...I've had many of the same thoughts you, how many kids do we really want, since now it seems that we may be able to actually choose that?! WHAT?! And birth control - yeah - we may actually need to use that for its intended purpose rather than to prep for an IVF or to try and calm the endo! WHAT?! We acutally don't get to have relations unless I know whether or not I could be ovulating at this point because my little man is only 3 months old and I don't want to be delivering another baby when he turns 1 - LOL - heaven forbid we use "protection"...I just never thought we would need to. It's a whole new world. NEVER thought I'd get I suspect, neither did you....
    Okay, the FB, WHAT? Who does that?
    And as for the lists when you come over - I have a friend who does that! Did that with both kids. Like okay, I can maybe see that if you have newborn multiples because you aren't sleeping but 2 hours a day and you DO need the help...but to require it? And with ONE baby? Um, NO. Needless to say, I didn't come to visit. And if I would have, I would have done as you suggested and brought her a hamburger or something....just because I'm coming over doesn't mean I'm going to clean your house...sorry Charlie. I totally think that is bizarre...

  7. Ash, I stopped by hoping for a new post and a laugh and you SO delivered!!!!!! You are hysterical. I LOVE that Neil Patrick Harris poster. And I think its actually a pretty sweet uncool people detector. Anyone who sees that and has some kind of self-righteous reaction is way too not fun to hang out with.

    On the house chore lists... I can see asking your family to help out when they come to visit. Laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. But random visitors? No.

    As far as #3 above, that was not about you. That was about someone else being bats**t crazy. And apparently having a lot of bats**t crazy friends on FB. Yikes. Show them the Neil Patrick Harris poster, I bet they won't like it.

    As you know, I also am a formerly infertile fertile person. Except now I am infertile again... by choice. I had my tubes tied when I had my second baby. DH and I are in our 40s, we cannot afford another child, and I didn't want to take BCPs or use condoms for hte rest of my life. So I could my tubes tied. After spending HOW much money and time on IUIs and IVFs??? How effing weird is that???? I haven't told anyone about it really... you may be the first person besides hubby to know about it!! LOL. It just feels so strange and kind of, I don't know, traitorous? I do have pangs from time to time when I long for another baby, but rationally I know that we are done and I don't regret it at all. I just feel like a freak sometimes. :)

  8. Lady, i found this this morning i thought could answer some questions of yours...



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