Just An Average Trip to the Mall

I really need bras for my giganto boobs so I decided I could do it, we could all head out to the mall. Let me bullet point the excitement for you.

• We went in one store. Osh man took off running, which he always does in stores, seeing those wide open spaces. He was everywhere so fast I finally caught him and told him to get back in the stroller, freedom over until the next store.
• We got to the next store and he saw all the bras and spread his arms wide like Maria frolicking on the mountainside in "Sound of Music" and said "BOOBIES! Boobies evywhere!!" This got the attention of the person working there. She helped me find bras. As I was checking out, she said, "oh yeah, he has put some stuff from here in your stroller." I hadn't even noticed, so I thanked her and we pulled it all out. We found several pieces that weren't from that store! SHITBALLS! He stole a bunch of jewelry from store #1.
• We went back to store #1 and I left all the stolen jewelry at the counter. We went to the next store and I realized this would never work out so we went to eat lunch. We got all of our lunch to the table, were halfway done when both of them started saying "I need to pee. My pee pee is coming out. I have to pee right now." 
• I decided I wasn't going to get to eat lunch so I put their lunch in the stroller. I was carrying N in a carrier and he was asleep. We went to a department store that had a family bathroom so we could all fit in there. They each went pee and then got back in the stroller to eat their lunch. I smelled something foul. Butterball had taken a giant dump all over the place, his clothes and everything. 
• I got the Butterball naked and cleaned up while the twins ate their lunch, IN A BATHROOM. He had no spare outfit. I took him, in his diaper, through the department store to buy a new outfit. I found one on clearance but didn't love it so I put it on the stroller. I then found a cute on sale outfit and bought it, while standing with my naked baby in a store. I got him dressed and we went to the play area.
• The kids were dying to ride the carousel but the person was on break so after they almost had a tantrum I derailed them with the play area. They ran and jumped and had a good old time. We got on the carousel when the person returned from their lunch break. Osh man insisted on riding the tea cup. That's cool with me, but then the lady says I have to ride with him. I ride in a carousel that is going round and round while I was also spinning round and round. Barf city!
• We got off and happily trotted over to our stroller to load up. Hanging there was the first outfit from the department store. Not only had my son stolen things today, I did too! We returned to that store and I prayed that I wasn't about to get arrested for returning the second stroller related theft operation we had going on that day. The item was returned. Osh asked to get out of the stroller and I said NO WAY! We are out of here. 
• The hermit crab stand necessitated a stop. The kids were thrilled with the different shells. One thing did go right.
• We went to visit my grandparents, which was nice.

Finally, it was time to go home. I needed a nap like the desert needs rain but I told them we could go swimming once we got home. Osh looked at me while rubbing his eyes and said "Mommy, did you know that I am not tired, not even at all?" Of course not.

As Hubby says, "the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then." And that's what happened then. The wild man fell sound asleep and then it started raining. Yay. Thank you Universe for small miracles.

No more trips to the mall for us anytime soon!

Nash carefully observing bad behavior.

Observation: bad behavior looks awesome!

What's Been Going On

Right before the Butterball made his grand appearance, I wanted to be off early from work. Things got crazy with a capital C at work so I stayed a week longer than anticipated. The week I was off I wanted to rest a little and then get everything ready. Instead I fell down the stairs, the kids got sick and everyone was home and then baby made his appearance on a day that the twins were home from daycare and even Hubby was sick. Then a week after he came home we were in the hospital with RSV for 8 days. Then the twins started acting out because their entire life changed dramatically by being at home and having a little brother. Then Hubby started going bananas because he works full time and goes to school (in class, not online) full time and had a really tough semester. This meant that we did not take shifts and I have been up all night, all the time with baby. Then I went back to work and realized that wasn't going to work. Then I became a full time SAHM which caused a big shift in our financial situation, mostly as far as me being able to make independent decisions with my independent income. This all happened in a short period of time.

What's the point?

Everything that I have ever wanted, I have (except the poor factor). I got the family of my dreams despite infertility for which I am extremely thankful and still really shocked about. I get to stay at home which I really always thought would be what I would do when I had kids. But despite these wonderful, amazing things, I have been feeling as if the walls are caving in and I am being buried underneath it all. I feel a lot like I will never measure up to the standards I had set for myself and were my expectations. I feel like I have really let Hubby down and I feel mostly like I am not good enough for the twins. I thought I would be so good at this, the one thing I would rock at, but I don't.

I went to the doctor to tell her about it but I felt so much shame for feeling these things that I couldn't do it. I decided to power through, it would get better, Butterball still isn't sleeping all night and that would change things. Time would be our friend.

But I still didn't feel good so finally right before my last appointment ended I told her how I was feeling. I cried and admitted I was so ashamed to feel like this. I told her how I binge eat when I feel sad or out of control and I have never weighed this much and I honestly think I am giving myself diabetes and I feel like poo. She told me between hormones, sleep deprivation, major life changes, breast feeding fluctuations (my supply is currently tanking) and having three very young children there is nothing to be ashamed of and the odds aren't really in my favor if we thought about it.

So we made a plan and I am feeling a lot better about the whole thing.

The  moral of the story is I wish I had gone earlier to the doctor to get some help. I hate that I felt ashamed about it. Who am I really trying to impress? No one. If people think I'm crazy or an asshole for feeling off, go ahead. I feel much better now and am becoming the mommy I always thought I was. I just needed a little help. Had I been suicidal or very angry or unable to care for the kids or myself I would have made myself go sooner, but it's just an off, something isn't clicking type feeling, you know? Now it's mostly gone. Aaaaah. So that's that, I'm feeling better and we are doing really well!