Raising Non-Christians

I wasn't sure if I should post this or not. Most people who know me know that I am not a Christian, but most people I know are Christians. I decided to go ahead and post this because regardless of mention of religion I read many other blogs and keep it respectful so I am crossing my fingers that I will receive the same in return. I may lose followers and people might get mad, but it is what it is.

I was raised Catholic in my early years. I enjoyed my time at church and the extracurriculars involved. I still remember my CDC teacher and how I thought he was a great guy.  I went to vacation bible school. I received Holy Communion.

You probably think I am about to tell you some horror story that drove me away, but I have none. I have a lot of respect for the Catholic faith in that it seems to stick to the book, which I like. That gets to one reason why I started losing faith, I'm not sure I understand the point in fervently following a book that you don't really follow in action. Basically, as I grew older, I began to look around and things just didn't sit well with me. It was just a simple matter of me not believing what I was hearing. It didn't make sense and frankly, not only did some things not make sense, they seemed flat out wrong.

Now I am a mother in a world where people have no boundaries whatsoever. I also live in the Midwest at the tail end of the Bible Belt and while all non-Christians are a minority, non-Christians in this area are quite rare. I know with 100% certainty that people will begin their plight to convert my children, judge them and their parents, or put a general sense of unnecessary fear into them as soon as they can. Because of this, Hubby and I have thought long and hard about what we need to instill in our children as they venture out on their own into the world.

1. Respect. We do not believe in the Christian faith, but that never gives us a right to be disrespectful from the get go toward people presenting these beliefs to us. I do think it's okay to get what you give, so if people are disrespecting us if we cannot tolerate it to a certain degree, do what you will. You may notice that I don't say "raising non-Jews" or "raising non-Muslims" or "raising non-Buddhists." I have never in my life had anyone from any non-Christian religion attempt to convert me or repeatedly say negative or derogatory things about other people like Christians do so it isn't as big of an issue.

There is a park behind my house and a woman who routinely tries to convert me to Christianity while we play there. I always listen to her because I have identified her as one of two types of people who do this. There are people who do this simply because they feel the love of the Lord and they want you to feel it and they want to see you in Heaven. We don't believe this and we don't agree with it, but I do feel that it comes from a good, innocent place so being respectful is very important. I never say anything rude or challenging to her because she isn't being rude or challenging to me so although we don't believe what she is saying, I take no offense to her behavior.

A big reason for why I am not Christian is I feel there are many people who try to convert you to their religion not out of kindness or goodness, but because they are bullies. Maybe not even bullies all the time, but insecure people who need to belong to a majority group so that they feel validated in their personal life choices at best, and religion giving them a place to control others or feel superior at worst. This is completely unacceptable to us and  this type of behavior is not acceptable in my household. We will teach our children that this behavior is wrong and people like this are not good and it's okay to stay away from them.

But we want to do our best to foster respect for others and their differences when they are doing non-harmful behaviors towards us. There will be no making fun of or even really worrying about people praying in public. We will not be offended by non-offensive or non-discriminatory Christian paraphernalia like t-shirts, road signs or sayings that people tell us. These things are okay, it is okay for people to express their faith in non-harmful ways and we should meet these things with respect for others' beliefs.

2. Understanding. I already mentioned that we will teach our children to understand that there are different types of reasons people will try to convert them to their religion. Something else that I believe is that everyone has varying needs of spirituality. Science has even documented things like this. For people who need a structured form of spirituality, this can be a huge benefit to that type of person and that's okay! I am not an outright Atheist, but Hubby is. I won't try to relay the type of spirituality that I feel or that is good for me because it's hard to explain, especially in a heavily indoctrinated society that we live in, but it is what works for me. We want to teach our kids to explore their spirituality because we do understand that their spiritual needs could be different than ours. But . . . they currently live in our house so we will raise them to believe (or not believe) what we believe and don't believe. There are some Christian teachings that we think are immoral and wrong and we will teach them that because that's our right as parents. We want them to have an understanding that people are different and need different things. While it's not okay to participate in immoral behaviors (by our moral standards), it is okay to accept people for their differences and let it go. Most people are going to be different than us, that doesn't make us wrong, that's just how it is and we need to understand that we can agree to disagree and continue to do what we feel is right.

3. Education. I have seen the trailer for this movie posted several times on Facebook and I will honestly say that I find the premise of this movie disturbing.

http://www.godsnotdeadthemovie.com/

I have a degree in the liberal arts and took a ton of classes in liberal teachings, including religious classes for electives. All my religious classes were taught by an Atheist. He did not display any of this anger or rage that I have seen in this type of up and coming view of educators in liberal colleges. Not even kind of. I am sure this happens somewhere at sometime,  but I think that by and large this is a made up construct of the religious right to explain why educated people are less likely to be Christian. This angry lead character trying to take away everyone's faith is not something I have personally experienced and to be frank, I think it may very well be a crock of poo and I don't believe it. I do think there is a reason that educated people are less likely to be involved in doctrine based Christian religion, but I won't go there because it may be offensive to some. I can certainly say it is not due to angry professor's forcing people to write "God is Dead" on their papers or they get an F in the class. Honestly, this is another example of the type of thing that drives me away from religion as far and fast as I can get away from it. Part of this disrespect of people who aren't Christian and blatant, yet widely accepted, lying about their characters is a reason we find some forms of Christianity immoral. The other part of that immorality is when Christians attempt to restrict the rights of others based on their own views which are not known truths to all. We are not okay with that.

Education is a big deal in our house and will be. We will teach our kids that going to college is very important and it will be an expectation. Learning of any type is important to us. I plan on possibly taking my kiddo's to a Unitarian Universalist church when they are older because I feel they will get a great education on various religions from an unbiased and open minded source. I will encourage them to listen to their friends when the time is right. Learning is good. That doesn't mean that everything we hear is correct, but it is good to learn and be educated on what is going on around us and that includes the religious practices of others.

We are raising our children to not be Christian. We are teaching them values that we have. I know this may come as a shock, but non-Christians also have values and morals. We don't sacrifice babies or worship the Devil and we also don't hate or have intentions on destroying the Christian faith and Christian people. We are teaching them right from wrong. We are also teaching them to respect others. Just because someone is Christian doesn't mean they are stupid (we will assign stupidity on an individual basis, ha) and even though people are likely to tell my children they are wrong, going to Hell, are heathens, have no morals, we will be sure that they know otherwise.

When the Shoe is on the Other Foot

I had a sex baby.

When other people had sex babies, it made me so jealous I could scream. It ate away at me. What did they do to deserve that? What did I do to deserve infertility? It felt so ugly and devastating, a blackhole of every sad emotion a person can feel. Infertility sucks.

I have many an internet friend and even a few "in real life" friends who have suffered on this shitbag road. Even though I was thrilled for myself to get a free baby, I still felt terrible for those still in the trenches. And it didn't and doesn't matter if it was their first, second, third time in the trenches, it still sucks. It wasn't exactly a walk in the park trying for number three, especially after the FET that left me at rock bottom for awhile, but in the end, I still got to have a baby, and it was the old fashioned way.

My favorite nurse at the OB's office has been on the infertile train for awhile with no success yet. I hated when I went in and she was the one checking me in. I refused to tell her about my annoying symptoms, like puking, swollen feet, bad back, exhaustion from the big job of working full time and having twins and being pregnant. I just couldn't do it. I knew it was her job, but I didn't want to do that to her because I knew what she was thinking, which is that she would give her left arm to be in my shoes. I could see it wearing her down and eventually I didn't see her often and she did more of the pediatric check in's. I don't blame her at all.

I've lost a few friends and some of our relationships have changed. I wouldn't trade the Butterball for any friend, ever, but I do feel a type of survivor's guilt sometimes. It makes me sad but I don't begrudge those people who didn't want to see all this. I know it's not personal to me, they are protecting their hearts and infertile hearts are so fragile. I have children for me  because I want them, not for anyone else and I am not one of those that thinks people owe me attention for procreating. Even though I was thrilled about baby, it made me sad to think that my joyous news and sheer, dumb good luck made anyone sad and made them hurt and think "why not me? Where is my miracle?" No one would feel 100% comfortable with it, unless you are a jerk.

Long story short, I love Butterball to pieces. I don't forget for any minutes how lucky I am he is here. I also do as I want, I brag about him, post thousands of pictures of him and go about my life while simultaneously wishing there was something I could do for my friends who are hurting. I know I can't, but I wish I could and I wish that everyone would get as many miracles as their hearts desire.

 

The Miley Debacle and Raising a Daughter

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have heard about the performance Miley Cyrus gave on the VMA's. It looked a lot like this . . . . .

When I saw it I thought "that was crazy." And that was all. Imagine my surprise when I got on Facebook and everyone was on the next level about this issue. Miley is a whore, a skank, trashy, her butt is flat or pictures comparing Miley to an animal or her rear end to that of a raw chicken.

This may come as a shock, but to be perfectly honest, I found all of those things much more tasteless than the raunchy performance she gave.

1. This is the VMA's on MTV. MTV is not a mecca for mainstream ideas of moral behavior. Every single year someone does something that is "shocking." Every. single. year. Aside from this shenanigan, Lady Gaga did her little number in a thong and bra. A thong, with her actual butt cheeks showing. I don't care about this for one second, but is it not a little hypocritical that one performer was pretty much naked and not being called a whore and a slut? Is it not sexist and maybe even a little misogynistic that celebrated male performers like Michael Jackson have rubbed their genitals on stage for years but that does not set Facebook ablaze with insults for the performer?

2. I saw many comments about how this is Hannah Montana and what are women supposed to tell their daughters about this behavior? In my opinion, this is a parenting fail on your part, not a problem with Miley Cyrus. If your child is a Hannah Montana fan and yet they are not old enough to understand that Hannah Montana is not a real person, but a made up character being played by an actress (and several years before this at that) who is a human being in real life that is NOT actually Hannah Montana, I have news for you: YOUR CHILD IS NOT OLD ENOUGH TO WATCH MTV. Let that sink in.

3. I have made so many mistakes in life. I wouldn't even call them mistakes at all times, but I have done dumb things. The thing about Facebook and blogs calling out Miley for rubbing herself, wearing something that, let's be honest, is no different than a bikini, sticking out her tongue, etc, is that, I know these people. I know that they too have been wild and crazy back in the day. Some of them still do wild and crazy things. I can't help but wonder why these same people feel they have the right or ability to use such harsh, shameless and cruel language and imagery to discuss this behavior? Whilst going through puberty myself and letting my brain fully develop (which doesn't finish until 25, hello), I did DUMB things. I have to emphasize dumb. Sometimes horrifyingly embarrassing things. I thank my lucky stars I participated in that ridiculous behavior when cameras, phone pics, and YouTube were not existent. Now that I am nearing thirty, I would absolutely never do any of those things and I cringe at the thought of my sweet daughter doing any of those things. But . . . I would be a hypocrite (and a jerk actually) to simply forget that at one time in my youth I was a big, horny, obnoxious idiot and mount my high horse to say awful things about someone on the internet. I don't think Miley Cyrus should be ruined for life like many people are calling for. I think she'll probably grow out of it and move on. So should we.

I always hear people talking about how they want better for their children than they had. Usually they are talking about material things and finances, but I also want better for my child's soul and well being. I don't want my daughter calling other girls whore, sluts, ho bags, skanks and what have you. I did that and have thought it (okay, maybe still do sometimes) but I don't want that for my daughter. I want her to have more respect for others and in turn that will give her more respect for herself.  I certainly don't want anyone saying those things to her either someday, should she find herself making different choices or rubbing herself with a foam hand on TV while wearing a teddy bear onesie. I would like us to discuss that type of thing together and work out what kind of feelings a performance like that may evoke in her, not just sling around whore and slut and certainly not take to making fun of her body parts that may look imperfect to some.

I want better for her, so I have to be that through example. I have participated in these negative behaviors before. I am and have been a judgemental person. Having a child changes you. When I look at my beautiful girl and how innocent she is, I want her to keep seeing the world in a positive light. We have war, terrorist attacks, a widening gap between rich and poor, higher education costs that are getting unattainable, people who are sick and can't get good health care, a young woman taking part in a risque performance is the least of our troubles. We can discuss it with respect and act accordingly. That's the example I want to be for my daughter, not someone on a high horse making unnecessarily harsh judgements of someone I don't even really know who is essentially causing us no harm in any fashion.

Moral of the story: get over it. Move on. And really, don't call other women whores and sluts. That's nasty. Be better than that.

What's Been Going On

Right before the Butterball made his grand appearance, I wanted to be off early from work. Things got crazy with a capital C at work so I stayed a week longer than anticipated. The week I was off I wanted to rest a little and then get everything ready. Instead I fell down the stairs, the kids got sick and everyone was home and then baby made his appearance on a day that the twins were home from daycare and even Hubby was sick. Then a week after he came home we were in the hospital with RSV for 8 days. Then the twins started acting out because their entire life changed dramatically by being at home and having a little brother. Then Hubby started going bananas because he works full time and goes to school (in class, not online) full time and had a really tough semester. This meant that we did not take shifts and I have been up all night, all the time with baby. Then I went back to work and realized that wasn't going to work. Then I became a full time SAHM which caused a big shift in our financial situation, mostly as far as me being able to make independent decisions with my independent income. This all happened in a short period of time.

What's the point?

Everything that I have ever wanted, I have (except the poor factor). I got the family of my dreams despite infertility for which I am extremely thankful and still really shocked about. I get to stay at home which I really always thought would be what I would do when I had kids. But despite these wonderful, amazing things, I have been feeling as if the walls are caving in and I am being buried underneath it all. I feel a lot like I will never measure up to the standards I had set for myself and were my expectations. I feel like I have really let Hubby down and I feel mostly like I am not good enough for the twins. I thought I would be so good at this, the one thing I would rock at, but I don't.

I went to the doctor to tell her about it but I felt so much shame for feeling these things that I couldn't do it. I decided to power through, it would get better, Butterball still isn't sleeping all night and that would change things. Time would be our friend.

But I still didn't feel good so finally right before my last appointment ended I told her how I was feeling. I cried and admitted I was so ashamed to feel like this. I told her how I binge eat when I feel sad or out of control and I have never weighed this much and I honestly think I am giving myself diabetes and I feel like poo. She told me between hormones, sleep deprivation, major life changes, breast feeding fluctuations (my supply is currently tanking) and having three very young children there is nothing to be ashamed of and the odds aren't really in my favor if we thought about it.

So we made a plan and I am feeling a lot better about the whole thing.

The  moral of the story is I wish I had gone earlier to the doctor to get some help. I hate that I felt ashamed about it. Who am I really trying to impress? No one. If people think I'm crazy or an asshole for feeling off, go ahead. I feel much better now and am becoming the mommy I always thought I was. I just needed a little help. Had I been suicidal or very angry or unable to care for the kids or myself I would have made myself go sooner, but it's just an off, something isn't clicking type feeling, you know? Now it's mostly gone. Aaaaah. So that's that, I'm feeling better and we are doing really well!

 

The Big Question

After we had the twins, NO ONE ever asked us if we were going to have more kids. Not even once. Ever. Maybe it was because so many people knew of our struggles and didn't think I would be psycho enough to walk down that shitty road again. Maybe because we had two kids and reproducing at the replacement rate is the best thing for society. Maybe it was because people think having twins is crazy so why do it again? Maybe it was because we had the "million dollar family," a boy and girl, no need to mess with that. I don't know.

Now that Butterball is here, everyone and their mama asks us if we plan on having more. And if they don't say it so nicely, they say " this is the last one right?" It's like uterus gone wild up in here, having three kids. I'm out of control y'all!

Here is the answer that I give everyone so as to stop the conversation in it's tracks because this is in the NACHO category (as in, nacho business, not your business): No! We are done!

Here is the real answer: I don't know for sure. The hubs has brought it up quite a bit. He talked a lot about getting a vasectomy while I was pregnant. I don't like the idea, but they are his balls and if he feels really confident and happy with that decision I would support him and that would be that. He has changed his mind. I have no idea where I stand. I am definitely on birth control now and plan on maybe getting the new type of IUD that is coming out in a few months (smaller and less hormones than the Mirena, but no pills, sounds fun, no?). I would not consider having another baby on purpose while living in our small home or until the twins are in Kindergarten or while my hubby is still in school and hubby will not consider more kids after 40 years old, which is in less than 5 years from now. After the twins, I was so sure I didn't want anymore kids that I wanted to give our embryo up for adoption and I would have if hubby wasn't against it. Then when I thought of that embie I wanted another baby badly. Now I have one. I love him so much and he is so perfect. I have three perfect kids. And I am tired as hell. That's what I know for today.

One thing I know for sure is that I will not be in a RE's office doing IVF. That is an absolute no. I don't know if something changed in me or if we were struck by conception lightning with the butterball, but it makes no difference. I don't like who I am when I am at the end of my rope, spending all the money we have, being pumped full of hormones hoping for a dream to come true that I don't have much control over. I have big plans for us, none of which include that emotional and physical trauma again.

That's the story. I doubt we will be the Duggar's. Other than that, I have no answers for the inquiring minds. Sorry folks.

Baby Stuff

Hubby wants to go shopping for baby stuff. We need everything but a carseat because I got rid of everything. I got rid of everything because I was never going to do fertility treatments and get my heart broken ever again so there was no need for baby stuff in my house. OBVIOUSLY I wasn't really going to get pregnant from having sex. I thought it would be fun to try, but never for one real minute did I think it would happen.

Pregnancy is a horrifying, scary time for me. I love feeling baby move but that's it. I was, well, am, part of the infertility community and horrible things happen all the time. Second trimester losses, third trimester losses, life threatening disabilities, still births, you name it. I have been extremely fortunate to not have these things happen to me but watching women that were my best source of support through my worst times go through such awful things leaves a lasting impression. I went to one baby funeral. It was awful and I will never forget it. Have you ever seen a coffin the size of a shoe box? If you haven't, I hope you don't. Part of the reason that I hate being around pregnant women is that they are very annoying and self centered, the other reason is it gives me anxiety about what is going to happen to that person.

Infertility treatments broke my soul. All of them but one, which ended in the twins. After the FET failed I immediately thought just like I did before the twins were conceived, "I'll get back up, I'll keep going, I will not stop until I have everything I ever dreamed of." But I took some time and did some hard soul searching. I ran. I cuddled the monkey's. I read. I had lots of talks with Hubby. I got the support I needed from my other infertile friends. I was out running one day. Music was blaring in my ears. The sun was shining. My body felt great. I was thinking of the twins and how funny, smart, adorable and perfect they are and thinking about Hubby. I knew that it would be the best if I gave up on treatments. Instead of saving up and spending money on shots in my stomach and ass for a CHANCE, not a guarantee, that we might have one more baby, we could save money for things everyone else saves for. Fun things, not hard, sad things. Vacations. Cars. A bigger house. With no more kids coming in we could see an end to our daycare paying days (which hurts us badly now). We could just enjoy. Relax. Soak it all in. The first day of the rest of our lives.

I felt great. When I saw the two pink lines on my cheap internet pregnancy tests, I cried. Not tears of joy. Tears of fear. I called my mom scared to death. I went to my infertile friend and cried more. I don't get things easily. Ever. I have to work. I can't just enjoy life and then get pregnant, for FREE. That isn't my life and I came to terms with it. I was not just okay, but good. I know life is full of shitty things that happen no matter what you do, but one thing that wasn't going to be on my plate ever again was going through hell for pregnancy and then worrying about miscarriage and all the other bad things that could happen.

I've been to so many appointments and baby is growing big and strong. I am almost in the third trimester. THE HOME STRETCH. But this is the problem: many moons ago the doctor's told me I would have no trouble getting pregnant. Then they said I had PCOS but I was still very healthy so it wouldn't be a big deal. Then I ended up doing IUI's and IVF and all that crap. Then the FET happened and it sucked huge balls. Then I had surgery and they said to get on birth control because I would not get pregnant on my own and maybe less likely than last time to get pregnant with IVF. Then I got pregnant on my own. So you might be able to see why when I go to appointments and they tell me baby is perfect and beautiful it is really, really difficult for me to believe them. They say that today, but what about tomorrow?

Hubby told me yesterday that we need to start getting things in order for the baby. In less than three months, baby will be here, in our house! Poor baby doesn't even have one outfit. Or a bed. Or bottles. I just stared at him like an idiot and I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. I cried looking at newborn sized diapers in Target the other night. I'm being a basketcase. I told myself after the first trimester that this would be great and I would soak up every minute. I can't believe that here I am, almost done, so fortunate to get the chance to do this again and without the hell of treatments, and still I am paralyzed with fear that if I enjoy it, it will disappear. I feel so sad and guilty for this little baby, the twins had pretty much everything they needed at this point.

I was at Sam's last week. I looked at a huge box of diapers and looked for some storage things to reorganize before baby gets here. As I was walking out, you have to show your receipt to someone so they can check your cart. The man showing his receipt said "come on, I thought it was free day at Sam's where you can get everything for free" jokingly. The lady at the door said "nothing is free in this world honey." It was like the Universe had to somehow remind me of that.

Let's all cross our fingers that this baby doesn't come home buck naked in winter because the thought of going to Babies R Us makes me hyperventilate (if we can even get home, we don't have a car that can legally transport all of us, yikes). I think Hubby and I have decided that an elective ultrasound is maybe what I need, then I can buy a freaking bed for God's sake.

I'm wasting this time and this experience being afraid. I'm going to snap out of it! My goal is to get one thing done for this baby by the end of the week. Friday, September 28th, Baby 3 will have a place in our home and something of his or her own.

On Marriage and Parenting

The nuggets were looking at our wedding pictures in our album. We very rarely ever get that out and they were interested. I told them that Mommy and Daddy had this special day together to promise to love each other forever and so that we could have babies.

Yes, I said that. I know it's old school, but that is why we got married. We wanted to have babies together and after a series of discussion and decision making processes we agreed that it was our personal belief that we should legally and spiritually be married before we had kids.

There was a time when I thought it didn't matter if we were married or not, it was just a piece of paper and lots of other people had kids and it turned out fine and I kid you not, since I was of the wee age of 5 years old, I began counting down the days until I could be a mommy someday. I looked at my baby dolls before bed and wished they would come alive, just for the night, so I could be their real mommy. I thought my newborn brother belonged to me. Literally. A little creepy, but I truly believed he was mine and the coolest thing ever. I got the itch during college and we discussed it together and with family and decided it was not the right thing to do.

Marriage has always been very important to Hubby. Although not a religious man, he is very traditional in a lot of ways. I also have an issue with researching things. I like to make decisions both based on how I feel about something and about facts. Statistically, if you go into a long term relationship and decide to never get married you are more likely not to have a successful long term relationship. Statistically, if you have a baby before you are married you are more likely to get divorced at some point. The older you are when you get married, the higher the likelihood you will stay married. I know these are statistics and other people are successful with different things, but this was a starting point for me. After 25 is best and 27 is average for a female, so my screw up happened there because I was 23. So I didn't do everything statistically correct. Another aspect we considered is what would our future kids think? This made me feel that it was really important for me to finish my college education before I had kids, because that is an expectation that I will have of them. Hubby is in school now and it's so hard, I just want better for my kiddos. This is also kind of a silly emotional thing, but I really wanted us to all have the same last name when our first monkey arrived. Divorce is a real thing and it happens a lot. In the event of a divorce, that would mean time away from any potential children and I did want to think about that and do my best. I know anything could happen at anytime, but it's important to me even if I fail to do the best I can from the start.

People think this is cold and odd. I don't. I like to make informed decisions based on facts and likelihood for successful outcomes, not based on feelings. I don't trust feelings. I feel them, but I don't always trust them. If I did everything that my gut felt like doing, I would be in big trouble right now.

We are teaching our children that we believe in the importance of being married. We believe it is best to have a long term relationship before marriage and we believe that babies come after marriage. Being gay or straight makes no difference to us at the end of the day, by the way, and hopefully if any of our children turn out to be gay they are afforded the same opportunity we had to be married if they want to
.

I find that people become defensive about this or get offended if they have chosen differently than we have. That is probably because I have many, many friends and family members who don't do any of the things we do so they see it more directly. At the end of the day, I don't lose any sleep about what other people are doing. You can have babies before marriage, you can never get married, you can have 4 kids with all different dad's or mom's, you can get married 7 times, I don't really care. I don't only have friends that are the same as me, that would be impossible and boring. Me choosing to teach my kids this does not mean that I hate people who do differently. The bottom line is this: I don't care if anyone finds it offensive. My job as a mother is to teach my children my personal beliefs about life, right and wrong, and give them some standards to live by. It's completely okay with me if people choose differently. I only want what is best for my monkey's, they mean everything to me, and trying not to offend other's to make them feel better is no comparison to teaching my kids and helping them grow.

I am also fully aware that they may choose differently and they may not listen. We will deal with that when we get there, but that doesn't mean I'm going to pass on nothing to them just because they might want something different. Life happens,the unexpected occurs, and plans change, I get it. If they can handle it and they are doing well and they choose a different path, I'll be fine. Hubby and I really want to make sure we are creating a strong foundation for them, no matter which direction they head out into. We feel good about that, even if it's not PC.

Why We Chose Not To Do IVF Again

Before our big surprise happened, we had decided that we would not pursue another IVF treatment. I was going to relay this info by a picture of the For Sale sign in our yard, but that took a lot longer to happen than we thought. As you may recall, we could not afford to do another IVF and put a down payment on a new home.

We were out on a date and Hubby asked me when I was going to call the RE to see when we would start a new IVF. I told him that I wasn't going to call, and if he was okay with it, I was at peace with that decision.

1. Truly, I felt ready to move on. After finding out I also have endometriosis, I just felt like it wasn't worth messing with. We had talked about a new house and have for a long time. I am just ready for that. Hubby bought this house while I was in college. I am ready to have a bigger house that we choose together.

2. After many other treatments, we were seriously lucky to get pregnant with twins on our first cycle. With the FET, I felt the devastation of a failed IVF. IVF is not a joke, it's a long and invasive, very expensive treatment and to go through that for nothing is terrible. It brought a reality to me that just because I wanted another child didnt mean that I could have one and I felt like I should deal with that sooner rather than later after many failed and expensive treatments.

3. I don't feel well physically or mentally while doing IVF. I gain weight and get so filled with anxiety and sadness and despair that it is difficult to function. That takes away my ability to enjoy other things in my lif. Osh and Peanut have made my life so amazing and I didn't want to take away from the time I have with them when I already feel stretched thin trying to balance working full time and being the mom and person I would like to be. Having the frosty was a reminder of our infertility as well as the hopes we had for our future. Once it was gone, after we grieved the loss of that possibility, I felt ready to close the door on infertility treatments.

4. I love my twins dearly and if I could go back in time, I would not change a thing. But for the future, I knew I did not want to carry and have twin newborns again. That would be really, really hard on Hubby and me, but would also be very hard on Oshy and Peanut. We are self pay so we want to do anything that would maximize our chances of success. Transferring two embryos slightly raises the odds of success. I didn't want to be tempted to do something that I felt wasn't right for our family out of desperation for success.

5. Financially, stopping at two children is smart. We wouldn't have to invest in larger vehicles that would add a car payment or two plus consume more gas. We pay $1300 a month in daycare. In three years that amount would be drastically reduced. What could we do with that extra money each month? The kids could do any activities. We could save. We could take an awesome vacation every year.

6. Emotionally, stopping at two children is smart. We wouldn't be outnumbering ourselves and more kids, which would leave to more love, would still obviously lead to less attention and energy.

All of these things together made me feel like not pursuing a fresh IVF cycle was the best choice. I felt really good and content with it. I poured my energy into the twins and bettering myself. The twins part was easy because they are beyond fun right now. Truly, this is an amazing age. I did my vegan cleanse which had amazing effects on my diet and was training for a half marathon. Hubby and I were having so much fun together planning for our future. I was proud we got through another hard time together and came out ready for anything.

I had no idea just two months later we would be expecting. At first I was terrified that something awful would happen and set us back. I, like everyone else, would never want to lose a baby and that would be so hard after all the work I had done to give up on that dream. Now that I've reached the second trimester, I am starting to get more excited and feel like we might really get to have another baby. Just like infertility taught me before, this has taught me that I just can't plan for anything! Life is so crazy, but in an awesome way. I have no idea where life is taking us, but I feel like I have learned through these processes that we'll figure it out.

Anti-Social

Hubby and I were talking about the nuggets and how great and smart they are. I mentioned how they are really getting into imaginative play and that is a good sign.

Hubby said the only thing that concerns him is that Peanut appears to be quite antisocial.

Sigh.

Hubby is a people pleaser and he enjoys the company of others. I do not. Oshy inherited Hubby's personality, and Peanut inherited mine. After interacting with her several people have said that she is "just like her mama." I can see that she takes longer than Osh to warm up to people. I've seen her staring intently at people while they are talking to her but not really reacting, and it is behavior that I recognize.

I took a personality test in my college English class. I re-took it twice more as suggested by my professor because my personality type is seen by only 1% of the population. Not in a bad way, I'm not a sociopath or anything, but people who are my type are extremely analytical and there are lots of negatives to that in other's opinions.

While Hubby is concerned, I say that she comes by it honestly and she will be great. It's good to be okay with yourself and do things alone. There is nothing wrong with analyzing a situation carefully before deciding to jump in head first.

I told him there are other good reasons for being antisocial. There are a handful of people that I love and trust. For the most part though, I find that people are either A. not my type B. boring C. completely insane or D. eventually a huge disappointment. He thought that even though that is usually true, it's not the best outlook on life. I agree it's not the best outlook, but he agreed it's usually true and truth is my favorite thing. I read a quote that said the best way to protect your heart is to pretend that you don't have one. That makes a lot of sense to me, even if it sounds cynical to others.

It looks like Peanut not only inherited my allergies, love of carbs and brown eyes, but also my 1% personality. Poor girl! It will just have to be Mommy and Peanut together, against the world.

Kindness

Dealing with secondary infertility is much harder than I thought. Partially because of the juggling and the internal conflicts about what is best not just for Hubby and me, but for my beloved nuggets too.

I had hoped for a little compassion, but mostly only found it in the infertile world. Normal people who have kids without treatments find it really difficult to understand. I sort of get where they are coming from and have lowered my expectations about what kind of compassion/sympathy/caring someone should normally expect when they are going through a really tough time and fighting a disease because most people don't look at infertility that way (even though that's what it is), especially now that I have been doubly blessed.

A few days ago I was getting my hair done. I had told her about the FET because she is pretty anonymous and I got my hair done right before the FET was underway. She asked about it. I told her the result and we talked about it a little. All of a sudden I started crying. I told her how lonely and abandoned and unsupported I feel and how much harder it is than I had ever thought seeing ourselves in that embryo growing and alive and then it was just gone, with no back up plan, and it really isn't financially wise for us to try again, so now I am just trying to live with it, and it's hard. I just need some time to get things back on track.

I stopped and she was looking at me. I was flooded with embarassment. To my surprise, she gave me a hug.

Then she did something even more surprising. She told me that she knows I love my twins dearly, but there is nothing wrong with having the love and desire in my heart for more children and there is nothing wrong with feeling pain because I am not able to do it easily, or very possibly, at all, ever again.

I was so totally shocked. She is not infertile like me. Very few peoople that I know in real life whom are not infertile have ever said those things to me or ever intimated that they even grasp the concept. That one sentence made such a huge difference to me because I felt validated. People are always trying to guilt me out of my grief, or belittle it, and it is so confusing. To know that people who haven't walked this road can understand where I come from and offer compassion that would lighten my load a little bit was a huge blessing to me.

As if that weren't enough, several hours after I left, I received a text from her saying that she would be there for me anytime I wanted to talk about it. Is she even real? How could someone be so caring?

I thought I was just going to get a new 'do, but my soul got uplifted as well.

Happiness is Overrated

. . . . says Brad Pitt.

"I think happiness is overrated, truthfully. I do,” says the Moneyball star, who has kids Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne with his partner Angelina Jolie. “I think sometimes you’re happy, sometimes you’re not. There’s too much pressure to be happy. I don’t know. I don’t really give a s–t. I know I will be at times and I know I won’t be at times. Satisfied, at peace, those would be more goals for myself.”

Some people think this is negative or a sign that he hates his life, but I happen to agree with him completely.

People are 100% obsessed with feeling happiness all the time or finding the joy in sucky situations. But sometimes life sucks. I think it's important to be thankful for what you have and grateful for your blessings, but happy all the time? No. That seems like some hedonistic goal of a toddler. When you are a grown up you should know that you are not going to be happy all the time. I think you should enjoy your happiness, but feel your pain too. That's being human.

Hubby and I were having a conversation about comparing. I feel like we are so trained to believe we should be happy all the time that we feel guilt when we don't and start comparing. This happens to me in terms of fertility. When I am feeling bummed about the disappointment, money issues, sadness that comes with fertility even after a successful fertility treatment which resulted in the two most attractive human beings on the planet (ha), I feel like I need to stop myself not because I really want to, but because someone else didn't have successful treatments, had to do more IVF's than me, lost a child etc. Hubby said to me "and some people get pregnant with no help, for free, so who cares what other people are doing? Worry about yourself." My therapist also pointed this out to me several years ago. Think about how you feel and live your own feelings.

The other issue with the pursuit of constant happiness is that happiness would not really be that interesting if that's all you felt. It wouldn't be a good feeling, it would just be. Without feeling sad, pissed, discontented, feeling happy wouldn't be that exciting. It's okay to feel a full range of emotions. It's okay to feel like life sucks when you're sad. It makes sense. Forcing happiness on yourself and others is not healthy. I don't think it's very productive to feel guilt for feeling sad just because other people believe one should always be happy.

I am so glad that Brad Pitt said it. I know some people are bashing him for it, but I think he is a rock star for admitting it.

What do you think?

We haven't had a family picture taken in a YEAR, so I choose the windiest day ever and we took family pictures. Woo hoo.