When other people had sex babies, it made me so jealous I could scream. It ate away at me. What did they do to deserve that? What did I do to deserve infertility? It felt so ugly and devastating, a blackhole of every sad emotion a person can feel. Infertility sucks.
I have many an internet friend and even a few "in real life" friends who have suffered on this shitbag road. Even though I was thrilled for myself to get a free baby, I still felt terrible for those still in the trenches. And it didn't and doesn't matter if it was their first, second, third time in the trenches, it still sucks. It wasn't exactly a walk in the park trying for number three, especially after the FET that left me at rock bottom for awhile, but in the end, I still got to have a baby, and it was the old fashioned way.
My favorite nurse at the OB's office has been on the infertile train for awhile with no success yet. I hated when I went in and she was the one checking me in. I refused to tell her about my annoying symptoms, like puking, swollen feet, bad back, exhaustion from the big job of working full time and having twins and being pregnant. I just couldn't do it. I knew it was her job, but I didn't want to do that to her because I knew what she was thinking, which is that she would give her left arm to be in my shoes. I could see it wearing her down and eventually I didn't see her often and she did more of the pediatric check in's. I don't blame her at all.
I've lost a few friends and some of our relationships have changed. I wouldn't trade the Butterball for any friend, ever, but I do feel a type of survivor's guilt sometimes. It makes me sad but I don't begrudge those people who didn't want to see all this. I know it's not personal to me, they are protecting their hearts and infertile hearts are so fragile. I have children for me because I want them, not for anyone else and I am not one of those that thinks people owe me attention for procreating. Even though I was thrilled about baby, it made me sad to think that my joyous news and sheer, dumb good luck made anyone sad and made them hurt and think "why not me? Where is my miracle?" No one would feel 100% comfortable with it, unless you are a jerk.
Long story short, I love Butterball to pieces. I don't forget for any minutes how lucky I am he is here. I also do as I want, I brag about him, post thousands of pictures of him and go about my life while simultaneously wishing there was something I could do for my friends who are hurting. I know I can't, but I wish I could and I wish that everyone would get as many miracles as their hearts desire.
I couldn't have written a better post. Thank you for sharing this. All the same feelings I have.
ReplyDeleteSame thing going on here. I'm currently 23 weeks into my 4th pregnancy. Which also happens to be the first pregnancy that has gone past 13 weeks. I feel really thankful that I am this far along and I am finally being blessed with a healthy pregnancy...but I have a few friends who are going through multiple miscarriages now as well, and I feel downright guilty about showing excitement for my first healthy pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteOh I get it. I was jealous when you posted about your "free" pregnancy, but also a little hopeful because of it... Like if that can happen to someone else after a failed treatment, then maybe it can happen to me. And it did. And without feeling guilty in the slightest about this fact, I'm hoping it'll happen again. BUT, when I rock my LO to bed at night or see my two kiddos playing together, I just can't help but think about how shi**y it is that some people are still waiting for their first or are longing for their second or third. It's crappy that some of us experience success and others continue to wait.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I think you said it beautifully! And your kiddos are so precious!