What's Been Going On

Right before the Butterball made his grand appearance, I wanted to be off early from work. Things got crazy with a capital C at work so I stayed a week longer than anticipated. The week I was off I wanted to rest a little and then get everything ready. Instead I fell down the stairs, the kids got sick and everyone was home and then baby made his appearance on a day that the twins were home from daycare and even Hubby was sick. Then a week after he came home we were in the hospital with RSV for 8 days. Then the twins started acting out because their entire life changed dramatically by being at home and having a little brother. Then Hubby started going bananas because he works full time and goes to school (in class, not online) full time and had a really tough semester. This meant that we did not take shifts and I have been up all night, all the time with baby. Then I went back to work and realized that wasn't going to work. Then I became a full time SAHM which caused a big shift in our financial situation, mostly as far as me being able to make independent decisions with my independent income. This all happened in a short period of time.

What's the point?

Everything that I have ever wanted, I have (except the poor factor). I got the family of my dreams despite infertility for which I am extremely thankful and still really shocked about. I get to stay at home which I really always thought would be what I would do when I had kids. But despite these wonderful, amazing things, I have been feeling as if the walls are caving in and I am being buried underneath it all. I feel a lot like I will never measure up to the standards I had set for myself and were my expectations. I feel like I have really let Hubby down and I feel mostly like I am not good enough for the twins. I thought I would be so good at this, the one thing I would rock at, but I don't.

I went to the doctor to tell her about it but I felt so much shame for feeling these things that I couldn't do it. I decided to power through, it would get better, Butterball still isn't sleeping all night and that would change things. Time would be our friend.

But I still didn't feel good so finally right before my last appointment ended I told her how I was feeling. I cried and admitted I was so ashamed to feel like this. I told her how I binge eat when I feel sad or out of control and I have never weighed this much and I honestly think I am giving myself diabetes and I feel like poo. She told me between hormones, sleep deprivation, major life changes, breast feeding fluctuations (my supply is currently tanking) and having three very young children there is nothing to be ashamed of and the odds aren't really in my favor if we thought about it.

So we made a plan and I am feeling a lot better about the whole thing.

The  moral of the story is I wish I had gone earlier to the doctor to get some help. I hate that I felt ashamed about it. Who am I really trying to impress? No one. If people think I'm crazy or an asshole for feeling off, go ahead. I feel much better now and am becoming the mommy I always thought I was. I just needed a little help. Had I been suicidal or very angry or unable to care for the kids or myself I would have made myself go sooner, but it's just an off, something isn't clicking type feeling, you know? Now it's mostly gone. Aaaaah. So that's that, I'm feeling better and we are doing really well!