RSV and Hospital Time

My sweet, new little munchkin is in the hospital and has been since Sunday night, very late! He has RSV which we probably gave him as the version of the sickness that we have. He has to maintain his own oxygen for 24 hours before we can go home and the longest he has made it so far is two hours.

The story is a long one and I will tell it later. Right now I am so exhausted and juggling between the hospital, keeping myself smelling like a decent human being and trying to be around the the twins, even though the short times make it really hard. Tomorrow night I will be staying with them all night though so that Santa can come visit them and I have pumped my brains out so my awesome mom can do a night of hospital duty with baby.

Just wanted to pass on the information! I am really hoping we don't have to spend the whole weekend there. Nash is in isolation so I can't walk around with him and I hate leaving him alone in the room, I only leave to walk down and get some water and then hubby and I switch and I go home to rest, clean up and then go see the twins. This sucks, but I am grateful we are only there for a virus because there is some sad shit going down in that hospital. This is all very ironic, considering we wanted to get baby out before Christmas so we didn't spend Christmas in the hospital and here we are, spending the whole week of Christmas there!

Nash is doing great though! He is still eating, gaining weight, going potty and getting a little sleep so it's just the oxygen and congestion issue. He is such a good, sweet baby!

Here is my baby boy on his oxygen . . . .

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday!

Baby 3 Has Arrived!

Last Monday I had a doctor's appointment. I was physically just done being pregnant and my blood pressure was a little high, not to mention, we have been plagued by nasty sickness in our house for weeks, so  it was also my last day of work. My cervix was checked and I was only 2 cm but still a little thick. I went and walked a quick mile. I had tons of contractions all night and thought again it was going to be the big day.

Tuesday morning the contractions stopped. Boo.

Wednesday I fell down the stairs. It sucked hard. I had just gotten a wonderful massage and ruined it all by texting and walking, which apparently I can't do. I got in bed and cried because I realized if falling down a flight of steep steps doesn't put you into labor, nothing will and I was trying to come to terms with a csection on the 19th.

Thursday I stayed in bed all day.

Friday through the early hours I felt like crap, respiratory business and coughing and snot and all that good stuff. Osh man was feeling the same. When he got up he said that his ear hurt. I told him we could go to the doctor and check it out and he said no, he just needed to stay home with mommy. I thought "what the heck," may as well, and we played together. We were hanging out in jammies when I felt some cramping and went to the restroom and there were chunks of gunk and blood in the toilet. I was feeling pressure in my lower back and having the occasional contraction. I went ahead and called the doctor at 12:30 but they were busy and were going to call back later. I decided to take a shower, wash my hair and pack the rest of the bag just in case.

The doctor called back at 1:00 and said that I should go straight to L&D. I told her that I had two wild two year old running around in jammies so it may be awhile. They said get their as quick as I could. I called Hubby to ask him to come home from work and called my grandparents to see if the twins could come over for awhile. I put on my make up, complete with primer, because no one wants to meet their child looking like a hot mess, right? My back pain and pressure and contraction were still not consistent so I didn't put a lot of stock into this being the big day.

We got to L&D at 2:30. They put us in a triage room to just see what was going on. We didn't even bring in the suitcase. She checked me and I was still at only a two. She said let's just give it an hour. I was uncomfortable, but nothing terrible. She came back and said a 2 maybe a 3 but no major change and she said she thought I would probably be sent home. I called my grandparents to tell them we would probably be done soon and I told Hubby I really wanted to go to the mall down the road and pick up an almond pretzel because I was starving. I told him perhaps even 2-3 almond pretzels because I was so starving. She came back to check on me to see if anything was happening, she said contractions were registering consistently, but I still wasn't really that uncomfortable. She checked me and I was at a 3! Hubby and I high fived and she said to stay just one more hour. We decided to walk the halls.

That is when it hit. Like a ton of bricks.

I had one hard contraction and grabbed the wall. We kept walking and another one hit and I had to grab the wall again. This kept happening. On our third lap I grabbed the wall and said "this fucking sucks balls" as a group of people were walking by. I assumed they were young because they were wearing tights as pants so I think I may have prevented teen pregnancy, you're welcome society (did I ever say how much I hate when people wear tights as pants? I really, really hate it). Two feet later again I grabbed the wall, Hubby put pressure on my back and I let the cursing rip again. I decided since I clearly had labor induced touret's I should get back to the room because not everyone really wanted to hear my potty my mouth. We stopped at the restroom and were greeted by diarrhea  blood and another curse filled contraction all at once. Hubby told me that he is now gay and we would never have sex again. I told him fine by me mother beeper! You may recall that I read the Bradley book for natural birth and we went through a bunch of techniques together. Well . . . that all went out the window immediately.

We got the room. The pain was so shocking, I literally felt like my uterus was getting ripped in half. It hurt so bad I couldn't even cry. I could not sit down. I couldn't function. Hubby was such a major trooper I couldn't believe it. I yelled to him to please get the nurse. The nurse came in and said it looked like I was clearly in labor and she wanted to check me. We waited for a contraction to pass and she checked. She couldn't find anything. She decided she needed the nurse with the long fingers. Hubby and I both looked at each other and laughed until I wanted to climb the walls with another vicious contraction. The long fingered nurse came and checked me and said I was a 4, they were going to admit me. She asked if I wanted an epidural and I said please, please, let's get that puppy right away.

I walked down the hall to my official room, grabbing the wall all along the way through several contractions. I  did not want to get in bed, for some reason, laying down seemed awful. Finally my sweet relief of an anesthesiologist arrived, all while hearing me yell that I couldn't do it, please help me, oww this hurts, and this is bullshit. They waited for a break to put in the epidural and as soon as it went in I yelled for it to come out. She hit a nerve the first time. Then I had more contractions and it took THREE tries to get in. I was so scared it wasn't going to work.

And then it did.

Wow. It was amazing. It was heaven. I was so relieved. Since I was finally calm, they checked me. I was still only at a four! She talked about giving it a few hours and we could discuss pitocin maybe and we also had the csection discussion. It didn't panic me then because the ball was already rolling. I asked questions and then the Hubs and I just relaxed.

And that's how it was. Relaxing. Nice. Hubby and I had conversations and watched TV. She came back in and I was at a 7! Two hours later I was ready to roll, 10 cm and head fully engaged. It was easy. I could feel contractions but they didn't hurt. My grandma was there. It was so enjoyable, really.

They set the room up for delivery and then I started pushing. It wasn't hard, like I imagined. It was so peaceful. I could feel the contractions like tingling and pressure and then pushed. Doctor said I was an excellent pusher. In between pushes I closed my eyes to rest a little. We all chit chatted and it was truly lovely. After an hour I gave a push and baby came out before doctor was ready. I could feel baby coming out and I couldn't wait to find out if I had a son or daughter and hear that first cry.

At 12:58 a.m. on Saturday, December 15th, our beautiful baby BOY arrived, peacefully and sweetly! He weighed 8 lbs. even and is 20 inches long.

They put him on my chest, hubby cut the cord, and the rest is history! Without further ado, here is our sweet boy, Nash Edward!







My recovery has been far easier than with the csection. I am so happy I went for the VBAC. This boy is the sweetest little piece of heaven.

The next post will be about the twins and their adjustment. It hasn't been easy, but when they come around and get into the baby, it is the best feeling in the world!

Stubborn Baby

On Sunday, I decided I wanted to push myself to the limits. And it was a gorgeous day out! And I just wanted to do something fun with my monkey's because we have been super sick for several weeks.

So we ventured out to the zoo.

Hubby bitched and moaned and said it was a terrible idea and I shouldn't do it and I was going to go into labor and he was going to be far away working. I went anyway.

We picked up some friends and headed down to the zoo! My BOB tires were totally flat but they were out of strollers so I had to work my rear off pushing that thing. We stayed in the front area, but we did everything we wanted to do, walked, rode down slides, looked at animals, rode the carousel. It was fun.

In the night, I was so excited because I started having contractions. I got to a point where they were waking me up and had one that really hurt. I felt pressure and went to the restroom and there was my mucus plug! I touched it. That's gross but I never experienced that before so I wanted to see what it was like. It was definitely the plug. My contractions weren't awful and were about 8 minutes apart. I got so excited I ran downstairs and washed a load of new baby and nursing laundry in Dreft and then started packing my bags. This happened from about 2:30 a.m. to 6:30 a.m.

At 6:30 I started feeling really sleepy. I got in the shower to shave and clean up and then got in bed. I passed out around 7 and little Peanut woke me up at 8:30. That meant I slept for a good hour and  half and had no contractions worth mentioning. Boo!

I had to get some sleep so I called my boss and told her that I had a majorly sucky letdown of pretend labor so I need to sleep awhile before I came into work.

Wednesday I had an appointment and was SO ready to see what was going on. I was hoping for good things. As you know, I have to get this baby out before December 19th or I get sliced and diced again. My doctor mentioned stripping my membranes as soon as she could get in there. She checked me. I couldn't wait to find out!

And . . . . . .

I am a whopping ONE centimeter dilated. Woo hoo. Not. I am about 50% effaced. She did not strip my membranes because I am measuring at a whopping 43 weeks. 43 WEEKS! I am 37 weeks. Humans aren't pregnant for 43 weeks so I am now inhumanly pregnant. She was very worried that I was packing a 9+ pounder which is also against the rules for the VBAC. She could get her finger through and the mucus plug is out, so at least I didn't imagine that.

I was so bummed. I was hoping for better! I had a talk with the fetus and told him or her that this was unacceptable. Do NOT wake me up all night for a measly little centimeter, if we are going to do something, we will do it right and get this done! Baby so kindly did not wake me up last night.

I went to an ultrasound today to have another size check. Baby appears to have a rough estimate weight of 7lbs15oz. That is right about 8 lbs so we are only within a pound on the no go zone.

What does this mean?

This means this bitch is going to do everything I can to get this baby out ASAP! Walk, bounce on the ab ball, I'm drinking red rasperry leaf tea, shoving evening primrose oil up my lady (this was condoned by my doctor, I didn't at first because I've heard that it can act as a blood thinner and should I end up with a csection I didn't want to cause any complications, she said it should be fine) and a few other things will commence that I won't share with you. It's graphic.

My next appointment is Monday. Keep your fingers crossed that I get this kid out before then!

Almost Done

This last week I went to the specialist to get my VBAC approval. Wow, they really enjoyed spending their time trying to freak me out! I had to sign my initials by so many things that could go wrong saying that I understand everything that can go wrong. He said out of hundreds of births at the hospital a month usually three or less are VBACs. The last thing I signed off on said something along the lines of "I understand that a vaginal birth is much safer to me than a csection and that the risk of the above issues is 1%." I looked at the doctor with as much skepticism as I could muster from my tired body. He laughed and said he knows it doesn't seem to make sense and really it should be fine, just as many things can go wrong (if not more, as I already know from previous experience) in a csection but the insurance companies hate VBACs. He double checked via a cheap crappy ultrasound and baby is head down! Yay! That took some serious work. I did exercises, hung upside down from my bed and went to the chiropractor until this giant fetus flipped it's fat head down. This week I have to go get a better ultrasound again to see what baby is measuring at.

As much as I dread the thought of another csection, I did have to make some compromises and as it stands, I have a csection already scheduled for 2:00 p.m. on December 19th. I am doing everything in my power to not be there!

Here is the deal:

-I have a csection scheduled for the 19th, BUT it is just to have it on the books and have an end date for the doctor's. If I have given birth or am in active labor by 2:00 p.m. on the 19th we will not do the csection.
-I cannot be induced. My labor has to start and proceed naturally before the 19th at 2:00 p.m. I can't use medicinal measures to induce, but they will try all natural measures to help me out.
-If my ultrasound shows that Hulk Baby 3 is measuring at or pretty close to 9 lbs it will be automatic csection no matter when or if I go into labor on my own.

I've had on and off braxton hick's, only a few that have taken my breath away. Baby is definitely dropping and heading downward, I can breathe much better! I check my own cervix every now and then in the mirror. I know that's weird. It's changing, but definitely nothing too exciting.

Reality is upon us and it has finally hit. I am really, REALLY excited to meet this baby! I am super excited to find out what this munchkin is, a son or a daughter. I am counting down the minutes. Anytime I start getting crampy I get so excited hoping this is it. Clothes are being washed, I purchased swaddle blankets, my family helped us out with a crib, I just picked up a large pack of diapers, we hit up the Black Friday BRU sale and got buy one get one free bottles, although I'm hoping to breastfeed only I picked up a small package of formula, my sister in law is letting me borrow her pump, and almost everything is done. I would like to add that 90% of that happened this week, ha! I will be putting the car seat in the minivan hopefully this week.

The only thing I am nervous about is how the twins are going to feel about having a new sibling. They are spoiled rotten and I cringe at the thought of them not feeling special or loved to the max. We are going to find something to get for them to wrap and give them from the baby in the hospital and let them help with as many things right now as they can. They helped put the crib together and it was precious!

Here is me, 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant a day after a lovely bout of stomach flu. My face is pale and swollen, my hair looks like poo and I am packing about 34 extra pounds. Believe me friends, that did not stop me from stocking up on Reese's Christmas Trees. I don't know what it is about Reese's peanut butter cups in holiday shapes, but damn, they are delicious!

I Know What Hell is Like

I decided that it would be a great and fun idea to travel with my family out of state for Thanksgiving and help hubby pick up our minivan. In my mind, I thought it would be so fun to have one last hurrah as a family of four. The twins are excellent and expert traveler's so it would just be a grand old time.

Well . . . . . let me highlight a few photos for you that portray their emotions during this trip:

Wednesday afternoon we all headed to the airport. My flight was booked in advance of hubby's and the twins so they were on a different flight because mine was full. We were all packed and ready to go and the twins were thrilled to get to ride the airplane.

Both my flights went smoothly, I had no swelling, it was great. My flight landed an hour before theirs did so my brother and I waited for them. Osh man got off the plane and came running toward me. His eyes were droopy and glassy and his cheeks were bright red and dried out. Shit balls.

We got to my parent's house and he was still warm. I gave him some pedialyte and we all hit the sack. 3 hours later there was vomit everywhere. I mean all over the place! We all got out of bed and cleaned up. I drove to CVS at 3:00 a.m. to get Lysol to spray down the house because I didn't want everyone to get sick. By the time I was home, hubby had puked too.

I went upstairs to sleep with Peanut. We woke up in the morning and let hubby sleep. I was playing with the twins and felt a little icky. Then I puked. And then I puked again. And then I had other fun stuff and felt like someone kicked my ass, so I went to bed and stayed in bed the rest of the day. For my Thanksgiving feast, I ate ramen noodles and Gatorade. Yummo.

Osh man never quite recovered and went back and forth with a fever and occasional puke. We are sickness experts so rolled with the flow. We purchased our van. We tried to do something fun but they felt like crap and were exhausted.

We hit the road to drive back about 15 hours in two days. The first day wasn't bad. Osh man picked up another high fever, but we all slept great and were ready to roll the next day.

This is where the Hell occurred.

We hit the road around 10:00 a.m. Our GPS said we would make it home in about 7 hours and 23 minutes. We planned to stop at the St. Louis Zoo for a little fun so it would be more like 10 hours total including pee stops, zoo trip and dinner stop.

We hit traffic not one, but four times. Two out of the four times it reduced our speed from 75 MPH to 5-10 MPH. The other two times we were at a dead stop, with one of the times we could actually put the car in park and sat there for 20 minutes. Hell.

Osh man was clearly feeling like death. His eyes were droopy again and his face was swollen. He wasn't eating or drinking. We got to a gas station and he said his tummy hurt. I pulled him out of the carseat and he promptly barfed all over. We changed clothes and then got back in the car. Hell.

We stopped for lunch at McDonald's because the kids needed to run around. They actually had a great time and it was cute, although none of us really wanted to eat the food. The bathroom was absolutely disgusting and hubby changed Peanut's poop in my seat and left a poop rag by accident on my seat. Nasty.

We were trucking for awhile and I noticed some pain in my hand. I was swollen like a balloon! My feet were so fat I could hardly get my Sperry's on.We had to stop somewhere so I could walk around and chug water. We found a playground. Osh man was so sick he just got out of the car and laid on the ground. After some walking and water the swelling went back down a bit. I quickly transferred my wedding ring to my pinky finger because I have heard horror stories of them having to be cut off. Hell.

We stopped to eat dinner a bit later. We looked like a pack of homeless people. Osh was now so sick that he could barely keep his eyes open and literally flopped over and passed out at the table. We went to get him some meds. He passed out again after awhile, but he was crying that we "peas" hold him. It made us feel so guilty.

Because I decided it was important to chug water, I had to pee a lot. After a bout of traffic we got to a rest stop. Hubby ran in to pee and I held Osh man for a bit. Peanut asked if this was Grandma's house. I told her no. She said "peas take me home." I told her I wanted to go home and we were going home as fast as we could. She told me that I needed to take her home too and I have to share with her because she NEEDS to go home. I went potty and then we left. I was feeling pretty queasy and noticed a sprite in my door. I opened it and took a big chug. To my surprise it was not Sprite. It was effing BENADRYL. I started motioning for hubby to pull over so he did. I opened the door and spit it everywhere. I had swallowed a little. Benadryl was in my hair and all over. Hell.

Hubby informed me that we needed to go to the airport and get the car that we had left on Wednesday. I was having pretty decent and steady contractions and over all feeling like crap. Luckily Osh was passed out but Peanut was still playing iPad games. I was a little drunk from Benadryl and feeling the burn and pressure down below from an unhappy fetus. After some looking we found the car. I got out and couldn't hold it. I peed everywhere. I'm talking at least three parking spots of pee. Hubby was scared, he said there was no way that was just pee. I was pretty certain it was pee, but to be honest I just wanted to go home so we went home. Hell.

Our trip that should have taken us 7 hours and 23 minutes and maybe 10 hours with fun stops (which we did not do at all) took us roughly 14 hours. Yep, bad idea.

The good news is we are home now. And we aren't doing that again anytime soon. And I lost a few pounds. And having a van is great, the space is awesome! I think I need about a week's worth of bedrest at this point to recover, but other than that, we will survive!

The Stuff I Thought I'd Do

When I was imagining myself as a parent, I had an idea in my head about what it would be like. I thought about the things I would do and how it would all turn out.

Well . . . . reality hasn't been quite the same.

1. I thought I would make all their baby food.

I bought some supplies and got to work. I did want them to eat organic so that means I have to drive to Whole Foods. Whole Foods food costs an arm and a leg. Then I printed the recipes off the internet and cooked up a few items.

I did this exactly once.

It was boring for one thing and I was awake when I wanted to be asleep. I'm not exactly a great cook so it also looked a little weird. I pulled my receipts and did the math. Between driving to Whole Foods, buying the expensive organic stuff and then spending valuable sleeping or baby time cooking food it just didn't seem worth it. At all. So I never did it again and just bought baby food at the store. I will more than likely do the same this time!

2. I thought we would be an a rigid schedule.

I work with kids so I know that scheduling is important and routine can make or break your day. But when the twins came, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't finish up feeding one munchkin and look at the other sweet munchkin sleeping so peacefully and wake them up. We didn't take naps on a strict schedule. We just went with the flow. We eat when we're hungry and sleep when we're tired. If we want to go to the park instead of do something on the schedule, that is what we do. As soon as they turned one, bottles would be out the door. Confession: They still get to have a bottle a day if they want one.

I know I made my own life harder. I'm going to try to do a little better this time, but in reality, probably I won't.

3. I thought I would be strict.

Tantrum? Time out! Not listening? Time out! Eat all your dinner or don't leave the table. My children would sit perfectly and quietly out in public at all times. Etc. Etc. Etc.

That definitely does not happen. One night Peanut was driving me nuts. She was being indignant, would not do a single thing I asked her. I completely freaked out. Then I cried for hours and I will never forget the look on her face when I became that strict, stern parent I thought I'd be. I've never been that harsh again. We do time out pretty frequently (I know it's shocking that the twins get a little crazy on a regular basis). I also try to remember that they are just now starting to be able to verbalize what they are needing or wanting or experiencing. We are working on sorry's and hugs and using nice touches together.

Sometimes when they are throwing tantrum after tantrum after tantrum and I want to totally freak out, I remind myself that something might be going on and they aren't trying to kill me. I pick them up and rock them in my arms and sing "it's okay, it's okay" until they are calm. I got a little teary eyed the other day when Peanut picked up her puppy and rocked it back and forth and started singing that little song softly in the puppy's ear. I had a moment of pride that I did something that stuck with her and made her feel better and she wanted to copy it, so I'm good with this too.

4. I would NEVER let the kids sleep in my bed.

My son is two and half and sleeps in my bed about three nights a week. I don't care. Enough said. Baby 3 due to space issues and my visit with reality of not wanting to go into another room all night will just have it's room in our room. Anytime they are calling for Mommy and need snuggles, they get them.

I've gone back on a lot of things I thought would lead to perfect parenting. There is no such thing as perfect parenting and I feel like we're doing pretty well and I am definitely biased, but the twins are so smart and funny and loving and awesome, so I can't be screwing up that bad and I'm not sure that making my own baby food would have changed that so much.

This and That

Wow, I have been sucking at this.

1. Halloween

Halloween was awesome this year. It was the first trick or treat year. We had a lot of grand plans for the twins wearing coordinated costumes but they insisted on being a pirate and a princess. They loved dressing up! Peanut hated trick or treating but Osh man loved it. Peanut hates strangers and Osh doesn't, he said "trick or treat, smell my feet" at every house. That was kind of embarrassing. We did a practice afternoon where they rang our doorbell and I opened it and they yelled out trick or treat. Do not do this. It's fun the first few times, but after the 5,438th time you open the door it gets old (for you, not the toddlers).

2. Baby 3

Baby 3 is a big beast who is measuring ahead. I am NOT letting myself believe I will go early because I don't want to psych myself out and then get freaked out when it doesn't happen. Everyone is always saying how huge I am and how I will go early. This scares me to find out what I will look like if I do go all the way to 40+ weeks. I am going for my offical VBAC consult soon so hopefull we will have that in the bag and we will just be going about our business until Baby 3 gets here. I also don't have a solid name for this little one. Any ideas?

3. First time preggo moms

I didn't realize until this second pregnancy how annoying first time preggo mom's are. Holy cow. So annoying. So sensitive. I can't take it. I especially love the ones who try and tell me how this or that should be done or think I'm making stuff up if they ask for advice and then don't like it, while they are still pregnant, for the first time. Bitch please, this ain't my first rodeo. And I am sure I was just like that when it was me. Becoming a parent is very humbling and helps you learn many things that you can't learn in theory. It's like looking back on yourself as a teenager and cringing remembering how you think you know how life will be, but it turns out to be nothing like that. Awkward!

4. Politics

I am really glad this election is over. Most of my friends are Republican. I am not Republican. I'm going to need a few months to move past the horrendous things they have been posting for the last few months that make me wonder why I am friends with so many elitist, racist, hypocritical freaks. I hope our friendships endure. For real. Especially on the handouts and lazy comments. I would have liked to post to Facebook that I will go ahead and bend down now and they can kiss my educated and gainfully employed Democrat ass, but I tried not to go into politics so I'm going to stick with it. Maybe . . . .

5. Road trip

We are taking a road trip to go buy a mini van. Yes, I am getting a loser cruiser! I am not excited to pay for the gas in it but we will work it out so we have NO car payment. That is the best. I also might not hit my kids heads on the roof so often putting them in their seats like I do with the twins in the Corolla. I have to admit, I have always seen myself rolling with my kids in a mini van. I know that's not cool, but it is what it is. The hubster thinks this is a terrible idea for me to go so far in the car at the stage of pregnancy I will be at, but the OB said that she will print my medical records to take with me in case Baby 3 decides to come early and I will pack a few hospital items. I'm really excited for this little trip together, one last time before we are a family of five!

6. Big kids or babies?

Hubby accuses me constantly of treating the twins like babies. They are my babies. When they are 30 and married and I am a grandma they will STILL be my babies. But I do baby them. I let them have baby bottles in the morning if they want one. I should move them downstairs so they have a bigger room to share and we can get them twin beds but I just can't imagine having my babies on a different floor than me. For one, that is scary. For two, the other day I fell asleep on the couch for 10 minutes because I was so tired and Osh colored the flat screen with green crayon so I know if they escape in the night the house is likely to be destroyed. I had a psycho mom moment and told Hubby they cannot move downstairs until we put alarms on all the windows (we already have them on all the doors). It's just too scary for me. Can you believe someday I will have to let them drive cars and date and go away to college? The horror!!

On Finances

I may have mentioned this a few times, but I am poor.

Actually, not really poor. I don't need social services and I am very fortunate in fact that I have what I need. Food, shelter and health insurance. I can't really afford all the bills I suddenly have thanks to medical stuff or the fact that our dishwasher broke this morning and we have no extras. I know this is unbelievable to some, but we don't have cable. I don't have internet on my phone. I don't drink Starbucks once a day. Or ever. We both drive paid off vehicles. It's just the way we roll.

We have had our house on the market for a few months. We NEED to sell this house before the kids go to school. We live in a small, old house. It doesn't bother me one single bit. The only issue is space, but we can live with what we have and the main issue is the elementary school. Our kids can't go there. End of subject. We decided to put the house on the market before we knew about Baby 3 as a gift to ourselves for never having more children. Then we put it up because we need extra space and storage and for the end goal, not being near the school we are supposed to send our two genius monkey's to.

Well . . . . as our wonderful luck would have it, it was super hot this summer. We have very large trees in our yard that go under out house and they soaked up all the moisture and our foundation shrunk and sunk half of our home into the ground by 3 inches. Do you know how much it costs to fix that? $13,000. Yay! Not.

So our realtor tells us we could just fix it and then it would be an easy sell. I'm wondering how someone who knows we are going to make no money on our house and are just trying to get out what our mortgage plus her services cost, plus the fact that we live the "simple life," could honestly think that we could just write a check for $13,000. Then we could just go ahead and write another $20,000 check for a down payment on the next house. I wonder if she saw a money tree on our lot that I haven't noticed. Or maybe a gold treasure somewhere in our cracked foundation. Or maybe she has just been listening to too much political bullshit about pulling up bootstraps and then MAGIC! Money is everywhere!

Not.

Last week we made a decision. We just took the house off the market. It sucks in a way, because we need more storage area and I would like all the kids sleeping on the same floor as myself and it is time, we have been here for eight years, but it's also sweet relief. I feel like it would be best to let Baby 3 get here and let us see how that goes, before the mortgage payment goes up or if it maybe needs to go down. I don't have to worry about the house being semi clean everyday or haggling with a buyer in this glorious buyer's market or figuring out where we are going to get $13,000 to fix the foundation just so someone else can have it or moving all of our stuff 8 weeks before Baby 3 arrives.

I have no idea where we are going from here, except that we are NOT going from here. I feel pretty okay with it actually. I didn't shed any tears or anything. Life is really strange and unpredictable. I have found that out the hard way. Last Christmas we were so sad about our frostie and this Christmas we are miraculously going to be bringing a new baby home. This year I could be living in this hood where I live that has bad schools and weirdos, next year I might be living next door to Mitt Romney. I'm not going to worry about it today. Maybe in a few months, or a few years right before the twins go to Kindergarten.

Life is weird. What can you do?

My love bugs loving each other, it makes my heart melt!

Holy Weight Gain

I had my 28 week appointment last Friday. It was my last monthly appointment, I am now in my third trimester and have appointments every two weeks. It's so crazy! In less than ninety days, Baby 3 will grace us with his presence (yeah, I said his, I know this has got to be a baby boy, no matter what everyone else says). I'm starting to get really excited. Peanut told me that she would help me take care of the baby when it comes out until we can find it a new mommy. Yeah . . . .

Anyway, I do NOT weigh myself at home. I just don't. I don't want to worry or stress about it. Plus, I will never look good naked again. Until I can afford major plastic surgery of course. I have dangly skin, stretch marks that are an inch wide and some almost 4 inches long (I'm not talking about those sweet little white ones either, they are purple), and boobs that dangle down to my ribs with nipples the size of my face. It's not really that exciting to look good shoved into push up bras and Spanx so if I gain a bunch of weight, who cares, right?

Well . . . . my weight gain has been a little more excessive than last time. I try not to pay attention to the numbers but obviously it is one of the main things we talk about at the appointments. My doc rolled her chair in and said wow, it looks like you have gained more weight than with the twins. That isn't true yet, but clearly it's going to happen. I gained 36 lbs. when I delivered them at 37 weeks and 1 day. At my 28 week appointment with my singleton baby, I had gained 31 lbs. THIRTY ONE. That must be our lucky number because the baby is also measuring at about 31 weeks instead of 28. Could be a big baby. Could be my pop tart habit, we're not sure.

So yeah, thirty one pounds. Wow. I will say that even though I am only 5 lbs away from my total weight gain last time and I still have a full trimester to go, and let's be honest I could gain that in only one week, I am still 13 pounds away from my actual weight on my due date with the twinks so it isn't that bad.

Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Yes, my son is wearing mascara. It happens.

 

Sorry for the blurriness. They get a little crazy sometimes together!

Am I A Fertile Now?

Seeing as how this is a sex baby, I often wonder if I am fertile now. Is it okay to make jokes about how pregnancy sucks? It is weird or normal that at a birthday party people ask us how it's going and how many kids we think we want, now that we have a choice and all? It is a little freeing to be able to make jokes and not feel as guilty or to complain more than I did last time, like fertile complaint level. Not obnoxious fertile, but definitely more than when I was a scared yet grateful infertile. Maybe now I'm a scared yet grateful fertile and perhaps that's a little different? I sat back once and told a tale to others about how my fertile friends don't have sex in the window that could create a Christmas baby and I just laugh because the good news about being infertile is that you can have sex whenever you want, ha HA HA! A real knee slapper. It's weird though as I didn't think that would happen and I wonder if I am the joke.

The fertiles have accepted me as one of their own now. Loosened up their "ooh, an infertile who is vocal about it, what should I say, let's just go with whatever is meant to happen will happen?" mentality and just be themselves. It's really interesting. But sometimes, I engage and end up feeling a lot like this . . . . .

Source: Uploaded by user via David on Pinterest

1. Did you know that sometimes people send lists of chores that people can do in their home if you are going to come see their newborn along with a list of rules for coming over? I haven't experienced this, but I have seen talk of it. When they are having a baby, they feel that people should only come over to be of service to them, not just to enjoy the sweet smells of a new baby and congratulate you. Yes, they believe that because they are allowing you to see their child, as if there are not a bunch of others roaming this earth, you should do their LAUNDRY. Like if you are going to come pay a visit and share some joy for your little miracle, you should pay them back for this great favor they are doing you by giving birth to a new human by touching their shit stained underwear or cleaning their toilets. I think this is rude. Am I weird? Can't you just say normal things, like if you think you have Ebola virus please don't come over until you are feeling well? Or maybe I am really tired, I won't be cooking, could you bring a cheeseburger? I think that's okay. Chores? No.

2. I saw a whole big to do about single people and how awful they are for posting things like this to their Facebook:

Source: Uploaded by user via Laura on Pinterest

The fertile mommy o'three could not believe how rude someone could be by enjoying anything other than reproducing. How this is SO demeaning to mothers! Do not get me wrong, having children is my thing. My number one, center of the universe, do anything for it or die thing and I can't imagine a life without children. BUT, I will emphasize that I can't imagine a life without it. Me. That does not mean everyone is the same. I can admit my FB posts are shamefully and almost entirely about my children because they are my life and frankly, I'm not going to post politics or religion or anything else that is going to invite the crazy in. I'm sure single people get bored of constant mom chatter and post funny things like how awesome they are for NOT having kids. So? The world does not revolve around us mothers, there are other people out there doing cool things that are meaningful to them and that's okay. Right? Or am I crazy again?

3. The craziest one was pre-this pregnancy and involved a family member and myself and the all important Facebook. It was right after I heard the news that I also have endometriosis and a bum ovary on top of PCOS and I was sad. I know people don't get it, but it was extremely depressing. Devastating. A family member text me re: their accidental pregnancy (or maybe not, I don't know, it could have been on purpose). I thanked them for telling me but told them I needed time to deal with my own issues. I wasn't at my best, I know this is not nice, but it's what I needed and I don't feel that guilty about it. I got on Facebook to a picture of this person's fetus and hit the defriend button, just temporarily. I know, I should have blocked it but I am not too FB savvy so I didn't know about that until the aftermath. THE AFTERMATH. Which was a big FB post about me and how I am crazy, talking all about my FET although I did not share that information myself on FB or to most family members or even friends, how no one should take this crap from me, how my twins will look back and see that they were never good enough for me, etc, etc. Yep, it was a real doozy. This is how an infertile person reads things like that "OMG, I am pregnant and deserve to be showered with attention due to my ability to achieve procreation. I cannot believe someone could be so insane to not understand that they need to not worry about their own mental health and give me all the attention in the world because I had unprotected sex and am gifting the earth with a child! Please, everyone I know, give me some attention so I can feel better about this!" And then the other fertiles all chimed in with "OMG, that is so crazy! Don't infertile people know they are not allowed to want what we want or have what we have and don't they understand that their world should revolve around us procreators and not themselves in a hard time? I mean really, lots of infertiles have no kids so who cares? Does she just want everyone to have abortions instead?" This is not a joke. This was real. It was one huge WTF. Then when I became part of the fertile club, I received a card from this person, not with an apology or acknowledgement that maybe that wasn't the coolest thing to do in response to disappointment, but just a "hey, you're pregnant, I'm so happy for you, we can be friends now." As if my only issue with the whole thing was me not being pregnant, not the fact that I was being called a crazy person that basically doesn't care about my own children and dealing with a huge change in the direction my life was headed. Yeah . . . .

It's hard to know if I am the crazy one or not. I'm not sure if I should start being offended by Neil Patrick Harris or sending people how I want my eggs cooked via email after I give birth or if I should start looking down on people who can't have babies without having sex, or if I should just continue on being weirded out by all those things with a side of relief and oh, haha, guess I'll get on birth control now. Really, where should I go? Are these things normal or a little out there even for the normally abled to reproduce the "old fashioned way?" I'm confused . . . . .

Back to normal life, we went out of town and rode four wheelers and tire swings with our two year olds! We went incredibly slow on the four wheelers, poor hubby was dying to press that gas peddle down just a bit farther but mean old mommy said NO WAY! They loved it! It's the simple things in life sometimes.

So Inappropriate

My big kid babies are now sleeping in toddler beds! The transition was super easy. Nap time on the weekends are hell, but other than that they have been very good. They stay in their beds and sleep all night. We had a brief episode of them falling out and that was the worst thing, but other than that, easy peasy!

The other night we put them in bed at their usual 9:00 p.m. bedtime. Hubby puts them to bed because I'm tired and grumpy every night and they like someone to lay on the floor for awhile and sing songs with them. Once Hubby was done, he ran into the room, disrobed himself and jumped in bed smiling for you. know. what. I told him not before 10:00 p.m., I am busy watching Private Practice. So he rolled over and fell asleep.

I thought I heard some commotion around 9:25, then at 9:30 two sleepy eyed monkey's walked out of their room and into ours. Peanut did a big smile and said "I wake up now!" I know everyone says this, but my kids are SO cute. Melt your heart, do anything they say, adorable. Irresistible. What would a good parent say? They would say "it's bedtime, go back to bed." What does this mama say? I swooped them both up and gave them hugs and kisses and said "why don't you just hang out with mommy for a little bit?"

They leaned back on the pillows and smiled. We starting watching Private Practice. They found this very boring.

"Peanut, you ready to go back to bed?"

"No Mommy, I just hanging out okay?"

"You can hang out for five more minutes and then we will go back to your bed."

Four people and a fetus gut in a queen sized bed is a pretty tight squeeze. I asked Osh if he wanted to move closer to Daddy. Hubby was only kind of conscious. I raised up the covers and Osh went to move in and stopped. He looked at me with this disgusted face and said "Eeew, Daddy naked." Then he plopped himself right back where he started and gave me a hideous look and again said "Daddy naked mommy, ick."

Ha! I laughed my butt off.

The twins then decided they better just go back to their own bed so they crawled off of my bed and went into their room and shut the door then went to sleep. I guess a naked daddy and Private Practice wasn't worth a room escape.

*********

Update: I got a really good coupon from the Gap so I ordered Baby 3 the outfit that I want him or her to wear home from the hospital. It's warm and snuggly and I can't wait until it gets here.

In other shopping news, my son is growing like a weed. We had to get him new pants and shoes two months ago. He has already outgrown them both! He wore a 5T sized shirt the other day. Peanut on the other hand, still fits in Fall clothes from last year. Sigh.

Baby Stuff

Hubby wants to go shopping for baby stuff. We need everything but a carseat because I got rid of everything. I got rid of everything because I was never going to do fertility treatments and get my heart broken ever again so there was no need for baby stuff in my house. OBVIOUSLY I wasn't really going to get pregnant from having sex. I thought it would be fun to try, but never for one real minute did I think it would happen.

Pregnancy is a horrifying, scary time for me. I love feeling baby move but that's it. I was, well, am, part of the infertility community and horrible things happen all the time. Second trimester losses, third trimester losses, life threatening disabilities, still births, you name it. I have been extremely fortunate to not have these things happen to me but watching women that were my best source of support through my worst times go through such awful things leaves a lasting impression. I went to one baby funeral. It was awful and I will never forget it. Have you ever seen a coffin the size of a shoe box? If you haven't, I hope you don't. Part of the reason that I hate being around pregnant women is that they are very annoying and self centered, the other reason is it gives me anxiety about what is going to happen to that person.

Infertility treatments broke my soul. All of them but one, which ended in the twins. After the FET failed I immediately thought just like I did before the twins were conceived, "I'll get back up, I'll keep going, I will not stop until I have everything I ever dreamed of." But I took some time and did some hard soul searching. I ran. I cuddled the monkey's. I read. I had lots of talks with Hubby. I got the support I needed from my other infertile friends. I was out running one day. Music was blaring in my ears. The sun was shining. My body felt great. I was thinking of the twins and how funny, smart, adorable and perfect they are and thinking about Hubby. I knew that it would be the best if I gave up on treatments. Instead of saving up and spending money on shots in my stomach and ass for a CHANCE, not a guarantee, that we might have one more baby, we could save money for things everyone else saves for. Fun things, not hard, sad things. Vacations. Cars. A bigger house. With no more kids coming in we could see an end to our daycare paying days (which hurts us badly now). We could just enjoy. Relax. Soak it all in. The first day of the rest of our lives.

I felt great. When I saw the two pink lines on my cheap internet pregnancy tests, I cried. Not tears of joy. Tears of fear. I called my mom scared to death. I went to my infertile friend and cried more. I don't get things easily. Ever. I have to work. I can't just enjoy life and then get pregnant, for FREE. That isn't my life and I came to terms with it. I was not just okay, but good. I know life is full of shitty things that happen no matter what you do, but one thing that wasn't going to be on my plate ever again was going through hell for pregnancy and then worrying about miscarriage and all the other bad things that could happen.

I've been to so many appointments and baby is growing big and strong. I am almost in the third trimester. THE HOME STRETCH. But this is the problem: many moons ago the doctor's told me I would have no trouble getting pregnant. Then they said I had PCOS but I was still very healthy so it wouldn't be a big deal. Then I ended up doing IUI's and IVF and all that crap. Then the FET happened and it sucked huge balls. Then I had surgery and they said to get on birth control because I would not get pregnant on my own and maybe less likely than last time to get pregnant with IVF. Then I got pregnant on my own. So you might be able to see why when I go to appointments and they tell me baby is perfect and beautiful it is really, really difficult for me to believe them. They say that today, but what about tomorrow?

Hubby told me yesterday that we need to start getting things in order for the baby. In less than three months, baby will be here, in our house! Poor baby doesn't even have one outfit. Or a bed. Or bottles. I just stared at him like an idiot and I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. I cried looking at newborn sized diapers in Target the other night. I'm being a basketcase. I told myself after the first trimester that this would be great and I would soak up every minute. I can't believe that here I am, almost done, so fortunate to get the chance to do this again and without the hell of treatments, and still I am paralyzed with fear that if I enjoy it, it will disappear. I feel so sad and guilty for this little baby, the twins had pretty much everything they needed at this point.

I was at Sam's last week. I looked at a huge box of diapers and looked for some storage things to reorganize before baby gets here. As I was walking out, you have to show your receipt to someone so they can check your cart. The man showing his receipt said "come on, I thought it was free day at Sam's where you can get everything for free" jokingly. The lady at the door said "nothing is free in this world honey." It was like the Universe had to somehow remind me of that.

Let's all cross our fingers that this baby doesn't come home buck naked in winter because the thought of going to Babies R Us makes me hyperventilate (if we can even get home, we don't have a car that can legally transport all of us, yikes). I think Hubby and I have decided that an elective ultrasound is maybe what I need, then I can buy a freaking bed for God's sake.

I'm wasting this time and this experience being afraid. I'm going to snap out of it! My goal is to get one thing done for this baby by the end of the week. Friday, September 28th, Baby 3 will have a place in our home and something of his or her own.

On Marriage and Parenting

The nuggets were looking at our wedding pictures in our album. We very rarely ever get that out and they were interested. I told them that Mommy and Daddy had this special day together to promise to love each other forever and so that we could have babies.

Yes, I said that. I know it's old school, but that is why we got married. We wanted to have babies together and after a series of discussion and decision making processes we agreed that it was our personal belief that we should legally and spiritually be married before we had kids.

There was a time when I thought it didn't matter if we were married or not, it was just a piece of paper and lots of other people had kids and it turned out fine and I kid you not, since I was of the wee age of 5 years old, I began counting down the days until I could be a mommy someday. I looked at my baby dolls before bed and wished they would come alive, just for the night, so I could be their real mommy. I thought my newborn brother belonged to me. Literally. A little creepy, but I truly believed he was mine and the coolest thing ever. I got the itch during college and we discussed it together and with family and decided it was not the right thing to do.

Marriage has always been very important to Hubby. Although not a religious man, he is very traditional in a lot of ways. I also have an issue with researching things. I like to make decisions both based on how I feel about something and about facts. Statistically, if you go into a long term relationship and decide to never get married you are more likely not to have a successful long term relationship. Statistically, if you have a baby before you are married you are more likely to get divorced at some point. The older you are when you get married, the higher the likelihood you will stay married. I know these are statistics and other people are successful with different things, but this was a starting point for me. After 25 is best and 27 is average for a female, so my screw up happened there because I was 23. So I didn't do everything statistically correct. Another aspect we considered is what would our future kids think? This made me feel that it was really important for me to finish my college education before I had kids, because that is an expectation that I will have of them. Hubby is in school now and it's so hard, I just want better for my kiddos. This is also kind of a silly emotional thing, but I really wanted us to all have the same last name when our first monkey arrived. Divorce is a real thing and it happens a lot. In the event of a divorce, that would mean time away from any potential children and I did want to think about that and do my best. I know anything could happen at anytime, but it's important to me even if I fail to do the best I can from the start.

People think this is cold and odd. I don't. I like to make informed decisions based on facts and likelihood for successful outcomes, not based on feelings. I don't trust feelings. I feel them, but I don't always trust them. If I did everything that my gut felt like doing, I would be in big trouble right now.

We are teaching our children that we believe in the importance of being married. We believe it is best to have a long term relationship before marriage and we believe that babies come after marriage. Being gay or straight makes no difference to us at the end of the day, by the way, and hopefully if any of our children turn out to be gay they are afforded the same opportunity we had to be married if they want to
.

I find that people become defensive about this or get offended if they have chosen differently than we have. That is probably because I have many, many friends and family members who don't do any of the things we do so they see it more directly. At the end of the day, I don't lose any sleep about what other people are doing. You can have babies before marriage, you can never get married, you can have 4 kids with all different dad's or mom's, you can get married 7 times, I don't really care. I don't only have friends that are the same as me, that would be impossible and boring. Me choosing to teach my kids this does not mean that I hate people who do differently. The bottom line is this: I don't care if anyone finds it offensive. My job as a mother is to teach my children my personal beliefs about life, right and wrong, and give them some standards to live by. It's completely okay with me if people choose differently. I only want what is best for my monkey's, they mean everything to me, and trying not to offend other's to make them feel better is no comparison to teaching my kids and helping them grow.

I am also fully aware that they may choose differently and they may not listen. We will deal with that when we get there, but that doesn't mean I'm going to pass on nothing to them just because they might want something different. Life happens,the unexpected occurs, and plans change, I get it. If they can handle it and they are doing well and they choose a different path, I'll be fine. Hubby and I really want to make sure we are creating a strong foundation for them, no matter which direction they head out into. We feel good about that, even if it's not PC.

Smart A$$

My son is a total smart a-word.

He is my loviest boy, but he also never stops talking. This leads to him saying some unfortunate things.

Me: "Stop flinging that toy around in the backseat, you are going to hurt your sissy."

O: "You just drive, okay mom?"

WTF?

***

Me: "It's time to go to school honey." He was standing in the doorway of the playroom.

O: "No way mom." Slams door in my face.

***

They had built a huge pile of towels to jump into from the couch.

Me: "That looks fun!"

O: "Sorry mom, you too big."

***

Me: "As soon as this baby comes out, I'm going to have some booze."

O: "No you not have boons mommy! You don't have that!"

Peanut; "No you not, bones are for doggy's."

O: "Yeah, bones for doggy's"

***

I was in the shower and Osh man came up to check it out.

O: "Mommy, you in the shower?"

Me: "Yes I am." I turned off the water and opened the shower door. He picked up my towel and handed it to me.

O: "Here your white towel Mom. Dry your boobies, okay?"

***

He was running around smacking a hanger as hard as he could into the couch. I told him to stop that right now, put it down, it is not safe to do that.

O: "I not mack this okay? I put it down. I not mack it."

Me: "Thank you honey."

I walked upstairs, heard the hanger hit the couch again and him yell "MACK!" and him and his partner in crime laughing loudly.

I'm so screwed.

*********

A few weeks back we embarked on a new activity that the nuggets and myself have never tried before . . . the drive in movie!

There were a lot of awesome parts:

1. Our whole car went in for $20. They were showing Ice Age and Dark Knight Rises. Two movies, four people, $20? Awesome!

2. We packed a picnic for dinner and snacks of our own. And by packed a picnic I mean we drove through Sonic. Cherry limeade anyone? We pulled out a big blanket and ate and hung out while waiting for the movie. Even though we brought our own stuff, they had popcorn there, made with REAL butter. REAL. Yummo.

3. There was a playground that the kids could play on before the movie started and lots of rocks in the parking lot for Osh man to throw.

Now comes the parenting fail:

Ice Age Meltdown or whatever the heck it's called was first but didn't start until 9:00 when it's dark (the weather was beautiful also, hello luckies). The twins loved the movie and thought it was super funny. They were so tired we laid them down to sleep and they began drifting off. They woke up immediately as soon as our movie started and watched a good chunk of Dark Knight Rises. Definitely not age appropriate at all. It's better than a lot of things we watch after they go to bed but still. In my defense, we had a plan that we would put them in the car with blankies and they could watch Shrek on the car DVD players, but Hubby was in charge of that and he was too lazy. Yeah . . . .







I realize upon reading through this that you probably think I am a 900 lb. person between the real butter popcorn, snacks, Cherry limeade's and Sonic grilled cheese. I can truly say that I am as surprised as you are that I am in fact normal sized (although I could afford to lose a few pounds). Mama loves food!

Also, I would like to add that I have made comments on a bunch of your blogs, but I can't read those damn "prove your not a robot" things and I try again and again and it eventually just doesn't let me comment! I'm sorry, I tried!

Half Baked Update

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am over half done baking Baby 3. Almost 22 weeks. Holy smokes.

Baby 3 checked out perfectly. Everything present and functioning properly. I am shocked, beyond shocked, and thankful. So thankful for such a healthy baby. It's unreal to me. We took the twins with us to an ultrasound to include them. Peanut cried the whole time, she found the experience terrifying. I had to hold her hand for moral support during it. Wow. Both kiddos thought it was hilarious looking at the little fetus face. The specialist got a kick out of the twins, the last time he saw them they were swimming in my belly. By some miracle, I did not peek. A healthy nugget is surprise enough for one day and we are still not finding out the sex. Hubby and I walked out of the office with ridiculous grins on our faces. Baby 3 is quite the mover now and we have felt him or her on the outside already. I am dreaming of the day where the movements are so big that Osh and Peanut can feel it. I just imagine that in my mind to be very special, even though they might not care that much.

My real guess is that this is a baby boy. Here is Baby 3:

We also got a 3d pic and he or she looks so much like Ocean!! It is crazy. Peanuts profile was always very round and Osh mans was pointy, so I'm guessing boy for sure. I think Osh is the most handsome little devil on this earth. Can you imagine having two little handsome devils like that? I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up like these parents:

Source: bonjourchloe.tumblr.com via Ashley on Pinterest

These are brothers. Are you freaking kidding me? These parents procreate like a boss. Yum.

In mommy news, I feel not great but that is normal. I eat like a pig, but have only gained 10 pounds. I think I have a tapeworm because I should have gained 80 pounds. I am liking my belly, it looks a lot better than the dangler. I can't seem to stay uninfected with a bacteria so it's a little scary but I am so close to viability that the fear is starting to ease a bit. I must take a moment to say how awesome Hubby is. That man does everything! I'm just a worthless lump of a pulse and fetus. That's it. Also, my grandparents. It's really good to live near your grandparents because they are lifesavers too. I never had issues sleeping when knocked up with the twins, but I am having a lot of trouble this time. I got up last night and made a quesadilla in the oven at 4:00 a.m. It's crazy!

Maturity Issues

A package arrived from Amazon yesterday bearing in it the very important book I ordered.

Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way. Mmm hmmm.

I snuggled up next to Hubby on the couch and we propped it open.

Me: "this book is much shorter than I expected" . . . Flips page "holy crap!" There is a picture of a completely naked woman and her topless, shoeless hubs helping her in labor.

Hubby: "wow, those are some nipples! If you thought your nipples were big they have nothing on these!"

Me: "Why is she totally naked? Why is he topless? Why did he forget his shirt but has on a gold chain? You can't wear shirts to a natural birth?"

Hubby: "I'm going naked to our child's birth."

Me: "no you're not."

Hubby: "Why? You don't like it when I'm naked?"

Me: "I definitely don't want to look at your balls the whole time I'm in labor. No one else wants to either."

Hubby: "That's mean."

Me: "No it's not. Turn the page."

Hubby: "women have been doing this for thousands of years. We can figure this out."

Me: "We are reading this book or I'm not doing this and that's final. I'm going to the bathroom."

Hubby: flips back a few pages "I seriously can't stop looking at these nipples."

Me: "Stop!"

Osh man came rushing out of the office. "no Daddy, you top it right now. Top it!" yep, that's my boy.

Maybe I should just schedule a csection.

Tid Bits

The other morning, Osh man ran into my room and yelled "Good morning! I love you Mommy!" in the most dramatic fashion. So. super. awesome.

Our house is not selling. Not to mention it's super old and hotter than Hell outdoors so half of our house is sinking into the ground due to the dryness. Yeah, let's just plan on it selling NEVER, blech!

We were watching the Teen Choice Awards and Ian Somerholder came on. Peanut was sitting on Hubby's lap and I said that I think guys with dark hair and light eyes are so sexy, that's why I had to kiss Daddy and marry him. She looked at me and said "you no kiss my daddy." This is the second time she has said that! Little stinker. I can't wait until her brother gets a girlfriend someday, that is going to be hilarious!

Hubby and I are shooting for a natural birth this time around. If you don't recall, my c-section ended in blood vomitting, years of healing (my scar still burns) and that combo of meds made me feel so confused that I don't remember lots of things about those days and I want to have a different experience. We were looking up Bradley method books to buy online last night. Hubby so kindly told me that he thinks he will be okay without reading it because he has seen it so much on TV. Uhhh . . . . . I told him if I am looking to him for comfort in a moment of pain to help me and he wings something because he saw it on TV one time I am going to kick his balls off. He has now agreed to read the books, ha!

One of my kids at work asked me if I had done something with my hair because it looked really nice. I told him I had just brushed it before coming to work. "You don't normally brush your hair?" I said nope. He said "awesome." I'm so glad there are people who appreciate my sloppiness, even if they only happen to be in 5th grade.

I'm very satisfied with this season of Bachelor Pad. It's dramarific!

So, even though I'm pregnant, I find other pregnant women to be rather annoying. I know, weird, right? All the whining and the desperation for attention is just a little silly. A few people have asked if I'm having a second shower and I don't find it a priority. I had a friend offer and said we could discuss it later. I do not believe that if I don't have one that equals we are not celebrating this child's life. First of all, no fetus gives a shit if you have a party for it. If your child grows up and gets upset because they have found out you never had a shower for him or her and that child needs therapy, you know you have raised a child with some bizarre entitlement issues. Honestly, pre-birth baby showers are for the mother. I loved my shower for the twins, but the sun will not rise and set on having another one. If no one on this earth cared that I am having this third precious nugget, I do not care. I have children because I love children, I love my family and I have always wanted to be a mommy. Is that weird? I guess it is, but I'm cool with being weird. I threw a shower for a friend on her third child because she really wanted one and I was happy to oblige. I just don't get when people bitch about it, like everyone hates them because they aren't having a second, third, fourth child shower.

This will be a shock, but I do have friends in real life! Woo hoo! One of them just started a blog about meal planning that she does as a working mom. I find cooking at the end of my work day to be cruel and unusual punishment, but soon I will be on maternity leave and making zero dollars, so when I'm not eating ramen noodles I am going to try some of these recipes! Check it out: lucysdiner.wordpress.com

HOW TO ENJOY THE iPAD ACCORDING TO THE TWINS

1. Take off your pants



2. Climb in the window sill




3. Enjoy!

Getting Attached

I have had a lot of issues getting attached to this pregnancy. It doesn't seem like reality. A few weeks ago we were at a playland and Peanut got stuck on the long, fast, bumpy slide and wanted me to come help her. I kicked off my shoes, ran up the slide, and went bumping down. Hubby ran over and said "what are you thinking? Are you serious? What are you doing? Do not do that again!" I literally forget this is happening on a regular basis and just go about my business.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I felt so pregnant. Puking. Stretching. Dizzy. That stuff comes and goes. I don't feel pregnant, just tired. I know this comes with any second pregnancy. I am busy with the twins and I just don't concentrate on it. I feel so guilty, because I took belly pictures every single week and documented everything. I realized last week I had taken no belly pics. I have bought not one single thing for this baby when I had purchased things for the twins for sure by this point.

Honestly, if I had been pregnant from a fertility treatment I think it would be different. This feels like a joke. Even though we were hoping this would happen at some point, I didn't really think that it would happen. I keep thinking any minute the Universe will say "really, REALLY? You thought you would get something easy? I don't think so, silly head!" and then BAM! I will be issued some sort of punishment to teach me a big lesson. My friends have said that it's okay, I deserve, I earned it, the Universe owed me. How? I don't think that's true and I feel like joy will=punishment. I don't know what kind.

I went to my beta's expecting the worst. They just kept coming in fine. When my progesterone was pretty low, I thought here it is, miscarriage time. I almost passed out before our first ultrasound thinking that God only knew what things we would find. Just one healthy little fetus, heart beating away. My next fear was the NT scan. Between ultrasound and bloodwork our chances of having any trisomies are 1 in 10,000. Relief. Last week I had a blood test to check our risks of neural tube defects. Everything looked great. Another hurdle crossed. August 9th is our big ultrasound to check anatomy.

I told myself if I ever got pregnant again I would enjoy every minute. It's so hard though to not think of all the "what ifs." Hubby is trying to help me out and he has been talking to the baby. Bad mommy alert - sometimes I drink caffeine on purpose and I can feel baby go crazy and it's such a relief. I can't shake the fear that I will be punished for my good fortune, but I'm trying not to think like that. I cannot wait until that anatomy scan. Three weeks from today. Passing the halfway mark and seeing a tiny body full of healthy organs is going to be huge!

Hubby was encouraging me to take a belly pic so I did! I don't have much of one. This was taken at 16w4d. This little guy or gal has a lot of twin skin to fill up so it could be awhile before we get anything sizeable, but I felt better by doing it, like I was finally giving this fetus some attention!

(Please excuse my frizz ball hair. I hadn't done it yet, but Hubby was about to leave and I was looking decent for once because I was headed out on a girls night to see Magic Mike. Yummo.)

Mom?!

I know that lots and lots of mommy's love their kids so much it's overwhelming. I am not one of those people that think I love my kids more just because of infertility. But I will admit I think there is something different. With everything in life, if you want something and you get it right away or easily, it just isn't as sweet. Like my Corolla. It was the first car I bought on my own and when it was paid off and not the bank's car it was my car and it felt so lovely. Or when I graduated college. It sucks balls to go to school for five years and work and have finals and papers, but then you walk down the hill and start sending out resumes and all that work felt so good to end in an accomplishment. Or walking down the aisle to marry Hubby after our relationship culminated for four years knowing that I knew him so well. There's just something that feels good about getting to where you want to go after time and effort and not just one day because you feel like that.

Hearing my monkey's call me "mommy" for the first time is one of those things. Like I said, I know this is special for all mommy's, but for a mommy who went through hell and time to get there and who spent so many nights (and mornings and afternoons) crying into my pillow thinking that I would not ever be a mommy, hearing those words is just extra sweet. Everytime I hear it I smile. I love, love, LOVE it.

Well . . . . Mr. Osh man started calling me "mom" three weeks ago instead. The first time I was like "what the hell?!?!?" I'm not mom! I am mommy! Mom is for pre-teens who are whining to "mom" that they don't want to pick up their laundry before they play 9 hours of video games. It isn't for precious, baby faced boys to say when they are only two years old! I'm not ready! I AM NOT READY FOR MOM!

I tried to tell him to call me mommy, but he just continues with mom. I am a short person and Hubby is tall. The result of that is a little boy who is now half the size of his 28 year old adult mama. I pick him up sometimes and he tells me "Oshy too heavy."And it's true. My 6 lb. baby boy is getting too heavy for me to carry him around like I always do. I love to carry him and smell him and snuggle him just like when he was new. He tells me all the time "no, Oshy do it" and then I don't help him.

It took so long to get to mommy, and in such a short time I have already become mom. So I'm going to do it. I am going to say the whiney thing mom's have been saying for ages. IT GOES BY WAY TOO FAST. Way, way, way too fast.

Tear. Good thing Peanut is a little runt that still calls me mommy.

50 Shades of Pathetic

I read the 50 Shades of Grey series. This is not a post that is about to say how awful and dirty it is or how terrible it is easy to have kinky fantasies about other men than your husband or that Jesus would hate this book. But it did make me wonder about a few things . . . .

Why did I read this book? I had finished a different book and logged into my iPad store to see what was on the top sellers list. 50 Shades was one, two, and three. I read the Hunger Games so was intrigued by another popular trilogy. I had no idea what it was really about. I was with Hubby on the couch reading while he was watching something and yelled out "holy God, this is porn!" I kept on reading because I don't really have a problem with porn.

I continued to read it because:

1. I had already started and wanted to see what the big deal was. This book is a fun, easy read. I read all three in less than two weeks, even with twins and a full time job. It's not heavy, a 14 year old could figure this stuff out. Fun and easy is a perfect combo sometimes.

2. Porn has it's perks. I maximized my time by reading this while doing cardio on my elliptical machine. I am one of this weirdos that gets runners high, so the good combo of all that sweat and adrenaline from my cardio session combined with a hot chick porn read lead to great things (Hubby and my 4 month cooked Greybie agree). What's not to like about that?

But this is where I experience confusion . . . . .

When I log in on Pinterest or Facebook and see all the pins and posts about how much women LOVE Christian Grey, all I can think to myself is "what the f$&@ is wrong with you?"

If you are ever on a date with someone and it is concluded by them showing you a room where he likes to beat on people while he has sex with them while under a contract in which he tells you what to wear, what to eat, who you can talk to and puts you on an excercise regimen of his liking, you should not come back for more. You should run. Or call the police. Or call Dr. Phil. Or even call an exorcist. Someone who solicits random strangers who look like their mother that didn't take care of him and died in front him for these sexual, dominating pleasures is probably only a few steps up on the crazy meter from the dude who puts pleasantly plump people in their basement and then uses their skin to dance around the living room in. NOT HEALTHY.

So what is it? Is it the money? Because that is just pathetic if it is.

Is it some deep, biological urge by women to be dominated and owned by men? I know I am personally not comfortable with that, but that doesn't mean everyone is. Maybe we have some primal urge to experience that.

I also know a lot of women are fixers. They like the danger of the bad boy, but want to fix him eventually. Nurture him into the man they want him to be. In real life, these ladies usually get stuck eternally fixing and that seems terrible. I like my people already fixed. I'm not the work in progress type. I think people can grow and learn, but I am skeptical of the ability to truly change a person.

Let's be real. In real life, 10 years down the road, she would be reading his cell phone texts and discover that he is out spanking and boning some othe dark headed, Mommy doppleganger chick and a big, scandalous court battle would ensue. Fantasies are nice, but the writing is all over the wall on this one.

Someone please explain this to me, I'm beginning to be very concerned . . .

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