Getting Attached

I have had a lot of issues getting attached to this pregnancy. It doesn't seem like reality. A few weeks ago we were at a playland and Peanut got stuck on the long, fast, bumpy slide and wanted me to come help her. I kicked off my shoes, ran up the slide, and went bumping down. Hubby ran over and said "what are you thinking? Are you serious? What are you doing? Do not do that again!" I literally forget this is happening on a regular basis and just go about my business.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I felt so pregnant. Puking. Stretching. Dizzy. That stuff comes and goes. I don't feel pregnant, just tired. I know this comes with any second pregnancy. I am busy with the twins and I just don't concentrate on it. I feel so guilty, because I took belly pictures every single week and documented everything. I realized last week I had taken no belly pics. I have bought not one single thing for this baby when I had purchased things for the twins for sure by this point.

Honestly, if I had been pregnant from a fertility treatment I think it would be different. This feels like a joke. Even though we were hoping this would happen at some point, I didn't really think that it would happen. I keep thinking any minute the Universe will say "really, REALLY? You thought you would get something easy? I don't think so, silly head!" and then BAM! I will be issued some sort of punishment to teach me a big lesson. My friends have said that it's okay, I deserve, I earned it, the Universe owed me. How? I don't think that's true and I feel like joy will=punishment. I don't know what kind.

I went to my beta's expecting the worst. They just kept coming in fine. When my progesterone was pretty low, I thought here it is, miscarriage time. I almost passed out before our first ultrasound thinking that God only knew what things we would find. Just one healthy little fetus, heart beating away. My next fear was the NT scan. Between ultrasound and bloodwork our chances of having any trisomies are 1 in 10,000. Relief. Last week I had a blood test to check our risks of neural tube defects. Everything looked great. Another hurdle crossed. August 9th is our big ultrasound to check anatomy.

I told myself if I ever got pregnant again I would enjoy every minute. It's so hard though to not think of all the "what ifs." Hubby is trying to help me out and he has been talking to the baby. Bad mommy alert - sometimes I drink caffeine on purpose and I can feel baby go crazy and it's such a relief. I can't shake the fear that I will be punished for my good fortune, but I'm trying not to think like that. I cannot wait until that anatomy scan. Three weeks from today. Passing the halfway mark and seeing a tiny body full of healthy organs is going to be huge!

Hubby was encouraging me to take a belly pic so I did! I don't have much of one. This was taken at 16w4d. This little guy or gal has a lot of twin skin to fill up so it could be awhile before we get anything sizeable, but I felt better by doing it, like I was finally giving this fetus some attention!

(Please excuse my frizz ball hair. I hadn't done it yet, but Hubby was about to leave and I was looking decent for once because I was headed out on a girls night to see Magic Mike. Yummo.)