Yes Please 2012

I am not a big fan of New Year's resolutions, so this post will not be about that.

All in all this year was okay. My time with the twins has been amazeballs. They have grown and changed so much it is crazy. Just this morning I was standing in front of the house and Ever wanted in and she looked up at me and said "scuze me mama." I loved it. It's those little things that I am in love with. Hubby and I got ourselves back together and in a good place so that was cool.

On the crap list was of course these resurfacing infertility issues and to put a cherry on top was the BFN I just had. I am still trying to let go of the conversations hubby and I had about baby names and the dreams I had of what it was like to be pregnant in the summertime, and all the dreams I had in my mind of what it is like to have a singleton. That kicked my ass. It actually physically hurts because since then I have had stress induced migraines frequently. Ick. The other crap list is work. Not because my job sucks or anything, but because I would rather be with my munchkins. I am on day 7 in a row with my babies, all day, everyday, and I love it so much. It is so fabulous. Today I didn't even eat until noon because I was so busy, but busy with things that made me feel happy, like the house getting cleaned, snuggles, grocery shopping. Things that are normally a last minute stress situation during the work week are just an easy, everyday part of life. One of the worst things of this year is that I have completely let myself go. I have not weighed this much or been this out of shape since I was 14. I look old. It's depressing. Let's don't even mention the pneumonia that lasted all summer and the four rounds of stomach flu we have had since Thanksgiving.

I know that 2012 could potentially suck big balls and way worse things could happen than BFN's and flabby thighs and hopelessly tiring, disorganized chaotic days trying to juggle working and mommying. For some reason though, I feel like 2012 could really be exciting. Maybe not even exciting, but just satisfying. Maybe I feel like that because my horoscope said so. Or maybe because I got a fortune cookie that said "your dearest wish will come true" and we all know fortune cookies never lie. I can't explain it, but I am really looking forward to the New Year.

I think this is going to be good. Only a day and a half left of 2011.

Prepare to eat your heart out! I'm serious, be sure you can handle this cuteness.

Are you okay? Just checking, because I know Osh man is so cute that it hurts sometimes.

I love this girl. She is a little firecracker. She is major mommy's girl right now and I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it!

Peanut and Nuts Don't Mix

In usual us fashion, yesterday afternoon Ever puked all over the floor. Yippee yay, we have another stomach bug. She was screaming in pain and puked four times. We noticed her ears were really red and there were a few hives on her neck. We jumped up, wrapped her in a blankie and headed for the ER.

The hives started getting out of control and her face was swollen. I panicked, major. We were close to the hospital so I pulled a Britney Spears and ripped out of the carseat to hold her. I needed to be able to feel her breathe. As soon as we got there I ran inside to check her in. After an eternity (about ten minutes really) we got a room and they gave her oral meds and wanted to see what happened. She puked again all over me. The poor baby was so tired after that she said "I sleep, I night night." she passed out after that. Unfortunately I only had my Suddenly Skinny tank top on underneath the barf sweater and I didn't want to walk around looking like a stuffed sausage, so I made hubby give me his sweatshirt. A naked baby, mom in an oversized Nike sweatshirt and daddy in a wife beater=white trash.

Hubby said he had given both the kiddies a cashew nut cluster. They have both had peanut butter before so he didn't think anything of it. So . . We now know Ever is allergic to tree nuts. Great.

The nurse returned and said since she threw up again they would need to IV some meds in but she couldn't find any good veins in her tiny body. They called in a nurse from the NICU. It took her two tries. There was lots of screaming. One think a regular needle user like me wouldn't have issues, but not when it comes to my baby. I was hiding in the corner like a pansy. The benefit was immediate and we were discharged an hour later.

So there you have it. I think between the BFN and this full drama, scary incident we will officially be celebrating Hannukah next year.

Kid Free Week

The twins went to visit Grandma early this week for the holiday's so my parents could spend some extra time with them. We made it to about Wednesday before it became really sucky and we wanted them to come. In the meantime, I did things I normally don't do.

1. Clean. The house isn't perfectly clean but it is significantly cleaner than usual.

2. I woke up one morning at 5 a.m. and went to spin class to exercise and it felt great.

3. I polished off the final Hunger Games book in one day. Those books are violent and weird, but awesome and they are extremely hard to put down. I read the whole trilogy in a week. If I ever get the privilege of having more children I may have rip some names off from that book.

4. I went to dinner, had a glass of wine and saw a movie with hubby.

5. I got to work on time, sometimes even a little early.

6. Time alone with my thoughts made me realize that continuing with fertility treatments is not an option until I feel better. I am so demoralized and deeply unhappy right now as a result of the treament. Because it feels so horrible, I can't imagine that it is the only thing wrong. I'm hoping to get some meds to help out when the holiday's are over. I don't feel guilty for feeling angry and upset. As much as it would be nice to be a person who could just "count my blessings" and move on, I know that if we all looked at unsatisfactory things in our life and thought "oh well, I'm still a little sunshine pants" we would still be running around naked and living in caves. It's good to not accept things, but I don't feel it's very good to feel like I'm losing a grip on everything. I am going to need some help.

We did accomplish things and hubby and I got some good time together, but life without my nuggets is not cool at all. In half a day from now, we will all be snuggling together and I can't wait!

Enjoy the holidays!

Unhappy Camper

The day after the big fat negative, I was okay actually. Wednesday was a fine day. I'm not pregnant this time but maybe next time. I felt good playing with the twins and realizing that I have already graced this earth with exceptional human beings and that does make me happy. They make me very happy.

Thursday, on the other hand, was the beginning of the descent into Hell. Thursday night I got my period so there was just no denying the reality of this. I cried a few tears again, but thought I'd be okay.

Friday was worse. I am angry . So extremely angry. I thought of the fresh IVF and all the money and emotions and energy and time spent on that cycle that made the frostie. Then I thought of all the feelings we felt and money we paid each times it's storage bill came. I thought of the time and effort and money of this FET and then I thought of how all of that was riding down the drain on a tampon to the sewer with piss and shit and I was so mad I can't describe it.

Today is Monday and I still a very angry person. I am sad. I am depressed. I am so jealous that I have hit a new low of being resentful of even infertiles who are getting BFP's right now. I can't stomach it. I found a bunch of great new blogs but nearly all of them are pregnant so I can't follow them. Not right now anyway. I haven't visited my favorite message boards in a few days and don't see myself doing it for awhile because I just don't want to see other people's great news and feel like shit.

Yes, people are dying of cancer. Yes, there are starving children in Africa. Yes, there are people without jobs and homeless and hungry. And yes, I do have the two most beautiful children in the world already and that isn't going to be taken away from me. All of those things are really awful things (except my beautiful children). But that doesn't make me feel better about having to choose between getting to spend more time with my children and live in a better neighborhood or having a third child, which I really want and can't shut those feelings off. I think it's bullshit I have to decide to put my current family back by years again paying tens of thousands of dollars on a chance at getting pregnant or just living each day feeling upset about not being able to have more children when hubby and I have always wanted a big family. And the thought of sacrificing all those things to do IVF and I still don't get pregnant (which is a real possibility) makes me wonder what kind of psych wards my insurance will cover. It makes me SO VERY ANGRY that I can hardly handle being around other human beings. I am taking a break from internet activities until I can feel like a decent human being myself.

I'm sorry if this isn't what people want to hear, but too bad. If I had a dollar for everything people tell me that I don't want to hear I could do IVF 50 times. Like "at least you're young." Really?!?!? A lot of good that's done me. I'm bitter. I'm angry and I'm going to allow myself to be a selfish prick if that's what it takes to get me out of this rut.

In other news . . . .

1. I will be doing a lap in January to make sure everything looks normal other than my stupid eggs.

2. My goal is to lose 16.6 pounds by the summer.

3. My children are out of town for awhile and I miss them so much! I know they are having fun and their immune systems are going to get a nice long break between this week and next, but I miss them so bad I'm not sure what to do with myself.

The Time We Tried To Get Knocked Up, But Failed Miserably

Friday, October 14th: Hubby talks to me over dinner about using our little frozen embryo. I cry in the restaurant. I didn't see this coming. This would change a lot of plans I made and I am deathly afraid of failure. Hubby says it's not the end of the world, we will deal with if it doesn't work and we can try for a third child with a fresh IVF when we can afford one (that would be about a year and a half from then, 2013). So a failure would not be the end of the world and with some things we are considering now would be the best time.

Monday, October 17th: I call the RE'soffice. By some miracle of the universe, they have an opening on a day I already had off to take Ocean and Ever to appointments, otherwise it will be the end of November. I learn that this appointment, which is just chatting, will cost $300 out of pocket. WTF? I must have had amnesia from the first time I did IVF. Hubby and I spoke when he got home and we decided to keep the appointment. I start signing my life away in paperwork.

Wednesday, October 19th: We go to the RE's office. It feels so different than the first time. I show everyone pictures of Ocean and Ever. We get all the info, including the cost (gulp!) and then start signing even more paperwork. They said there is a 33% chance of success, which is much different that when we did IVF and had a 60% chance of success. I start to feel worried, but hubby is a great cheerleader and assures me everything is going to be okay. I leave with my calendar of events, and if the babysicle thaws, it will be transferred on December 5th.

Thursday, October 20th: I pick up my first round of meds for my protocol. I start feeling extremely terrified about the whole thing. The cost was $95.00.

Monday, October 31st: I had an SHG and it was incredibly painful. I have done this one other time and an HSG and did not find either one to be very painful, but this time it was brutal and I was bleeding everywhere. I have had several nightmares about the FET not working and after the painful experience I am starting to wonder if this is a good idea.

Thursday, November 3rd: Started my first dose of Lupron (which is a small injection into the stomach) to continue nightly for several weeks. Thankfully the babies have left me with extra padding so the shots don't hurt quite as bad. My Lupron, PIO injections and suppositories (you need extra progesterone I guess on a frozen cycle) cost $321.00.

Tuesday, November 8th: I take my last birth control pill, but vomit it up. I have the raging stomach flu!! I threw up everything from the day before as well so I don't have the right amount of bcps in my system. I am supposed to start a Z-Pak as soon as I get my period, but since I am so sick, I will have to wait another day. I am so worried I have messed something up! I also have not had my prenatal or baby aspirin in two days because of this so there are no nutrients in my body. Ack!! Stress!

Tuesday, November 15th: I head back to the RE's office to get a blood draw for a suppression check. Just like with our first IVF, all my levels are normal and I am suppressed so things are moving along nicely. I pay for it, which was $2,398.00. To my surprise, instead of panic, I felt really good. I know the odds are not great for us, but I feel hope and start getting excited about this. Maybe we will be having another baby next fall? I really, really, REALLY am wanting this to happen.

Thursday, November 17th: I start estrogen patches. I went to Target to pick them up and they are going to cost $620.00!!! Mother fucker! I decide to only purchase 16 of them which cost $155.00 plus my second round of Z-Pak which is going to cost another $10.00. I call and cry and beg the RE to put me on a different med. They say no, so I am researching a better and cheaper place to buy. I have until 11/29 when my $155.00 stash is out.

Monday, November 21st: I drop my Lupron on the floor and it shatters everywhere. I am a complete mess. Just as I am worrying about money again, I do something so stupid. Hubby reminds me that this is just money, it will come and go, a child and our family is forever. I go to pick it up from the pharmacy. I have to buy a whole new kit and not just the amount I need for a total of $187.00. I am feeling lots of pain in my joints and tired. I get a 101 fever which is weird because I don't get fevers normally. I go to the doctor and they think I may have strep or mono, but both come out negative. MORE STRESS!! I have to take Amoxicillin for 10 days. I start really hoping this doesn't mess with the cycle. Please little frostie baby, be my Christmas miracle.

Wednesday, November 23rd: I move up to three estrogen patches a day. Hubby says "there is about to be a lot of crying around here."

Monday, November 28th: I got in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. They like to see lining at a 10 and mine was 11.13, yay! Unfortunately, my estrogen was a little low so in addition to the patches I have to take two estrogen pills daily. To my surprise, they only cost $4. I had to look at it several times because I can't believe it. We are getting closer . . . .

Wednesday, November 30th: Lupron injections have stopped and now it's progesterone time. I use suppositories twice a day and a PIO (progesterone in oil). These are gigantic needles that go in your ass. I can't do them myself and they have to be done in the morning so I have to get up at 6 to ice my booty to numbness and do this before Hubby goes to work. Yay. I pick up three more boxes of estrogen patches for a total of $192.00.

Sunday, December 4th: I looked at my calendar and I did not follow it correctly! I was supposed to start a Z-Pak and steroid yesterday, but I didn't. AAHHHHH!!! I decided to start the Z-Pak like regular, but take the steroid pills in the AM and PM instead of just PM to catch up because those are important to my cycle. My butt is so sore from the PIO's that it hurts to sit, but I am really really hoping we have to stay on them for 7 more weeks until I hit 10 weeks gestation. Tomorrow is the big day. I should find out by 10:00 a.m. if our little snow baby thaws and we are a go. I am scared to death! But also ready to get this show on the road.

Monday, December 5th: The snowbaby did thaw! Woo hoo! I take my Valium (which is amazing) and head on in. We see the photo of the embie on the screen. It does not look like Ocean and Ever's embies at all. Their's were beautiful, very clear and well rounded, this one was full of bubbles and lumpy. I know this isn't great. They said it was okay, thawed embryo's look a little different because of the change after they have been frozen. After the transfer is over, I cry. Last time we talked and laughed and took pictures, but really, all I could do was cry. I want this baby but I am aware the odds are not with us. It makes me feel sad and scared. Hubby talks to the embie in my belly to make me feel better. This is going to be a long 8 days.

Dear snowbaby,

You are out of your ice and safely in mama! You are the very last survivor of the 22 eggs retrieved and 12 that ferilized in what seems like forever ago. Mommy and Daddy have thought of you often. We love Ocean and Ever so much, and we will love you just as much. The five of us will have a wonderful time together. If you decide to stick around, you will not regret it! Burrow in snowbaby, you have a lot to look forward to and we can't wait to meet you!

Love,

Mommy

Tuesday, December 6th: My second day of bedrest has commenced. Hubby, Oshy and I are all hit HARD with the stomach flu. Hard. I lose all hope I had of this working out each time I throw up and get overcome with chills and sweat. I am so so very sad this happened. When the pain dies down I drift in and out of sleep. Poor Hubby is trying to take care of the kids but can barely stay awake from the exhaustion of vomit. This sucks balls. Four days away from my first pee stick.

Thursday, December 8th: Home pregnancy test negative, 3dp6dt. I couldn't help myself. I know it's too early, but I had to pee on something!

Friday, December 9th: Home pregnancy test negative, 4dp6dt

Saturday, December 10th: Home pregnancy test negative, 5dp6dt

Sunday, December 11th: Home pregnancy test negative, 6dp6dt. I really thought this would be my day so I took another one an hour later. Negative. I decide I don't really want to do the butt shots anymore, especially since one side of my butt is red, hard, swollen and itchy. I may as well not waste my time, but hubby isn't 100% okay with this.

Monday, December 12th: I'm really hoping today is the day. I pee on one stick, negative. Maybe there's something wrong with it so I pee another, still negative, 7 dp6dt. This sucks so hard I wish I could punch someone in the face. My alarm goes off and says "yay, you're pregnant!" I forgot in my positive thinking phase I put that in my phone. I'm not pregnant. Thanks for the reminder. I'm never thinking positive again.

Tuesday, December 13th: I have had wonderful dreams about being pregnant, so I get up at 4:00 a.m. and pee on a stick again. Negative. 8dp5dt. I get the confirmation from the doctor through a blood test that it did not work.

And here I sit, completely losing my shit. I am so, so sad this didn't happen. My body actually hurts and I can't control my tears. This is such bullshit. I forgot how bad it hurts to have a treatment fail, but I am definitely reminded. I wish we never had that frostie, that they had dumped it down the drain, because since we knew of it's existence it has been nothing but false hope.

I'm going to cry today. A lot. In my car. In my bed. Probably in public.

Tomorrow I am going to probably be a really grouchy asshole.

Thursday I hope to forget about this whole business. We are going to do a fresh cycle when the time is right because we really do want a third baby. Some people might think that's cuckoo and I just don't care. But I need some time to get over this, look at our finances really in depth, and get in good shape. I know I'm only 27, but my eggs suck so if we are going to drain the savings (again) and not buy a house and still live in the ghetto (again) I have to make sure it's worth it.

That's all. I'm sorry for this depressing message. Thursday will be a new day.

New Reading Material Please

I need some more blog reading to satisfy my intense voyeurism please.

I would like you to help me find some suggestions.

Here is what types of things I'm looking for:

1. Funny mostly, but not always.

2. Realistic. I'm not into those always happy and philosophical types who are crapping rainbows and think everyone should be grateful and thrilled all the time. I don't want to hear about how your cup of coffee made you realize how wonderful your life is. Boring.

3. I like nice pictures.

4. No pretentious mothering please. Ick, so gross. I don't want to read constant advice from others about why they are such wonderful parents. And usually those parents are the same as the rest of us, except more obsessive and neurotic.

That's about it! If you have suggestions, or even think your own blog fits the bill, comment it, I want to read it!

Totally Random

- I am no longer ill. Praise. That sucked. I think Ocean is getting sick though. Eff.

- I really, really, REALLY need a cleaning fairy or a slave. I can't afford a maid so it has to be something else. I want to clean. I truly do. My house is a disaster. BUT . . . after questionable sleep (one of the kids has been in our bed all week, mostly Osh man), appointments coming out the ass, 8 hours of work and around 45 minutes of commuting places I just don't have it in me.

- So, I know you are totally supposed to ditch the bottle at a year. Last night my dearest hubby did not turn on the dishwasher so we had no clean bottles this morning. I figured at 19 months old the twins could survive one morning of soy milk in a sippy cup vs. soy milk in a bottle. No. They could not. It was true hell, constant tantrums and screaming. I never gave them the bottle, but dropping off two very angry babies at daycare is so not a great way to start the day.

- I had a mandatory training in harassment this week and I realized I spend 90% of my time involved in some sort of harassment. I should probably stop that, but really, people are whiners.

- This week the twins and I watched Happy Feet at bedtime together. We have never really watched a movie together before. They really liked it, but when the seal came out to eat the penguin Ever started panicking and crying and Ocean kept saying "oh no, oh no." I didn't realize they had fear of things yet. I know they cry when they are ticked or startled, but the whole realization that things are scary to them is new. Kind of cool how much they are growing and changing and how intellectually advanced they are, but I guess that means no more Walking Dead, True Blood or Breaking Bad while the kids are still awake.

- Santa is coming to our house in only a week. We are just special that way. I'll do that in a post all on it's own next.

- This whole Occupy Wallstreet thing is getting silly. Not because I disagree with it, but because they showed on the news that they arrested a ton of them in California. Really? Do you know how expensive it is to book and process and jail people? It's a lot. What a waste of taxpayer money to arrest peaceful protesters. Speaking of that, I saw a guy this morning on the way to work driving a BMW with a license plate that said "the 1 percent" in the front. What a douche bag. People like that are insufferable.

- Hold onto your hats . . . . . I COOKED! Yeah, I have made two crockpot meals, twice baked potato casserole, twinkie cake, mini pumpkin pies, chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake and rolls. It's crazy. That happened last weekend. It has not happened again.

- Constant updates during birth onto Facebook are becoming all the rage, but I don't like it. For 1. Birth is something that families don't experience that often unless you are the Duggar's so you should take the time to enjoy it and 2. It stresses me out. That may sound selfish and all, but please don't stress me out during your birth (ha).

The Peanut and her war paint

"Puh-lease, mother, why are you photographing me again?"