The Time We Tried To Get Knocked Up, But Failed Miserably

Friday, October 14th: Hubby talks to me over dinner about using our little frozen embryo. I cry in the restaurant. I didn't see this coming. This would change a lot of plans I made and I am deathly afraid of failure. Hubby says it's not the end of the world, we will deal with if it doesn't work and we can try for a third child with a fresh IVF when we can afford one (that would be about a year and a half from then, 2013). So a failure would not be the end of the world and with some things we are considering now would be the best time.

Monday, October 17th: I call the RE'soffice. By some miracle of the universe, they have an opening on a day I already had off to take Ocean and Ever to appointments, otherwise it will be the end of November. I learn that this appointment, which is just chatting, will cost $300 out of pocket. WTF? I must have had amnesia from the first time I did IVF. Hubby and I spoke when he got home and we decided to keep the appointment. I start signing my life away in paperwork.

Wednesday, October 19th: We go to the RE's office. It feels so different than the first time. I show everyone pictures of Ocean and Ever. We get all the info, including the cost (gulp!) and then start signing even more paperwork. They said there is a 33% chance of success, which is much different that when we did IVF and had a 60% chance of success. I start to feel worried, but hubby is a great cheerleader and assures me everything is going to be okay. I leave with my calendar of events, and if the babysicle thaws, it will be transferred on December 5th.

Thursday, October 20th: I pick up my first round of meds for my protocol. I start feeling extremely terrified about the whole thing. The cost was $95.00.

Monday, October 31st: I had an SHG and it was incredibly painful. I have done this one other time and an HSG and did not find either one to be very painful, but this time it was brutal and I was bleeding everywhere. I have had several nightmares about the FET not working and after the painful experience I am starting to wonder if this is a good idea.

Thursday, November 3rd: Started my first dose of Lupron (which is a small injection into the stomach) to continue nightly for several weeks. Thankfully the babies have left me with extra padding so the shots don't hurt quite as bad. My Lupron, PIO injections and suppositories (you need extra progesterone I guess on a frozen cycle) cost $321.00.

Tuesday, November 8th: I take my last birth control pill, but vomit it up. I have the raging stomach flu!! I threw up everything from the day before as well so I don't have the right amount of bcps in my system. I am supposed to start a Z-Pak as soon as I get my period, but since I am so sick, I will have to wait another day. I am so worried I have messed something up! I also have not had my prenatal or baby aspirin in two days because of this so there are no nutrients in my body. Ack!! Stress!

Tuesday, November 15th: I head back to the RE's office to get a blood draw for a suppression check. Just like with our first IVF, all my levels are normal and I am suppressed so things are moving along nicely. I pay for it, which was $2,398.00. To my surprise, instead of panic, I felt really good. I know the odds are not great for us, but I feel hope and start getting excited about this. Maybe we will be having another baby next fall? I really, really, REALLY am wanting this to happen.

Thursday, November 17th: I start estrogen patches. I went to Target to pick them up and they are going to cost $620.00!!! Mother fucker! I decide to only purchase 16 of them which cost $155.00 plus my second round of Z-Pak which is going to cost another $10.00. I call and cry and beg the RE to put me on a different med. They say no, so I am researching a better and cheaper place to buy. I have until 11/29 when my $155.00 stash is out.

Monday, November 21st: I drop my Lupron on the floor and it shatters everywhere. I am a complete mess. Just as I am worrying about money again, I do something so stupid. Hubby reminds me that this is just money, it will come and go, a child and our family is forever. I go to pick it up from the pharmacy. I have to buy a whole new kit and not just the amount I need for a total of $187.00. I am feeling lots of pain in my joints and tired. I get a 101 fever which is weird because I don't get fevers normally. I go to the doctor and they think I may have strep or mono, but both come out negative. MORE STRESS!! I have to take Amoxicillin for 10 days. I start really hoping this doesn't mess with the cycle. Please little frostie baby, be my Christmas miracle.

Wednesday, November 23rd: I move up to three estrogen patches a day. Hubby says "there is about to be a lot of crying around here."

Monday, November 28th: I got in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. They like to see lining at a 10 and mine was 11.13, yay! Unfortunately, my estrogen was a little low so in addition to the patches I have to take two estrogen pills daily. To my surprise, they only cost $4. I had to look at it several times because I can't believe it. We are getting closer . . . .

Wednesday, November 30th: Lupron injections have stopped and now it's progesterone time. I use suppositories twice a day and a PIO (progesterone in oil). These are gigantic needles that go in your ass. I can't do them myself and they have to be done in the morning so I have to get up at 6 to ice my booty to numbness and do this before Hubby goes to work. Yay. I pick up three more boxes of estrogen patches for a total of $192.00.

Sunday, December 4th: I looked at my calendar and I did not follow it correctly! I was supposed to start a Z-Pak and steroid yesterday, but I didn't. AAHHHHH!!! I decided to start the Z-Pak like regular, but take the steroid pills in the AM and PM instead of just PM to catch up because those are important to my cycle. My butt is so sore from the PIO's that it hurts to sit, but I am really really hoping we have to stay on them for 7 more weeks until I hit 10 weeks gestation. Tomorrow is the big day. I should find out by 10:00 a.m. if our little snow baby thaws and we are a go. I am scared to death! But also ready to get this show on the road.

Monday, December 5th: The snowbaby did thaw! Woo hoo! I take my Valium (which is amazing) and head on in. We see the photo of the embie on the screen. It does not look like Ocean and Ever's embies at all. Their's were beautiful, very clear and well rounded, this one was full of bubbles and lumpy. I know this isn't great. They said it was okay, thawed embryo's look a little different because of the change after they have been frozen. After the transfer is over, I cry. Last time we talked and laughed and took pictures, but really, all I could do was cry. I want this baby but I am aware the odds are not with us. It makes me feel sad and scared. Hubby talks to the embie in my belly to make me feel better. This is going to be a long 8 days.

Dear snowbaby,

You are out of your ice and safely in mama! You are the very last survivor of the 22 eggs retrieved and 12 that ferilized in what seems like forever ago. Mommy and Daddy have thought of you often. We love Ocean and Ever so much, and we will love you just as much. The five of us will have a wonderful time together. If you decide to stick around, you will not regret it! Burrow in snowbaby, you have a lot to look forward to and we can't wait to meet you!

Love,

Mommy

Tuesday, December 6th: My second day of bedrest has commenced. Hubby, Oshy and I are all hit HARD with the stomach flu. Hard. I lose all hope I had of this working out each time I throw up and get overcome with chills and sweat. I am so so very sad this happened. When the pain dies down I drift in and out of sleep. Poor Hubby is trying to take care of the kids but can barely stay awake from the exhaustion of vomit. This sucks balls. Four days away from my first pee stick.

Thursday, December 8th: Home pregnancy test negative, 3dp6dt. I couldn't help myself. I know it's too early, but I had to pee on something!

Friday, December 9th: Home pregnancy test negative, 4dp6dt

Saturday, December 10th: Home pregnancy test negative, 5dp6dt

Sunday, December 11th: Home pregnancy test negative, 6dp6dt. I really thought this would be my day so I took another one an hour later. Negative. I decide I don't really want to do the butt shots anymore, especially since one side of my butt is red, hard, swollen and itchy. I may as well not waste my time, but hubby isn't 100% okay with this.

Monday, December 12th: I'm really hoping today is the day. I pee on one stick, negative. Maybe there's something wrong with it so I pee another, still negative, 7 dp6dt. This sucks so hard I wish I could punch someone in the face. My alarm goes off and says "yay, you're pregnant!" I forgot in my positive thinking phase I put that in my phone. I'm not pregnant. Thanks for the reminder. I'm never thinking positive again.

Tuesday, December 13th: I have had wonderful dreams about being pregnant, so I get up at 4:00 a.m. and pee on a stick again. Negative. 8dp5dt. I get the confirmation from the doctor through a blood test that it did not work.

And here I sit, completely losing my shit. I am so, so sad this didn't happen. My body actually hurts and I can't control my tears. This is such bullshit. I forgot how bad it hurts to have a treatment fail, but I am definitely reminded. I wish we never had that frostie, that they had dumped it down the drain, because since we knew of it's existence it has been nothing but false hope.

I'm going to cry today. A lot. In my car. In my bed. Probably in public.

Tomorrow I am going to probably be a really grouchy asshole.

Thursday I hope to forget about this whole business. We are going to do a fresh cycle when the time is right because we really do want a third baby. Some people might think that's cuckoo and I just don't care. But I need some time to get over this, look at our finances really in depth, and get in good shape. I know I'm only 27, but my eggs suck so if we are going to drain the savings (again) and not buy a house and still live in the ghetto (again) I have to make sure it's worth it.

That's all. I'm sorry for this depressing message. Thursday will be a new day.