Just An Average Trip to the Mall

I really need bras for my giganto boobs so I decided I could do it, we could all head out to the mall. Let me bullet point the excitement for you.

• We went in one store. Osh man took off running, which he always does in stores, seeing those wide open spaces. He was everywhere so fast I finally caught him and told him to get back in the stroller, freedom over until the next store.
• We got to the next store and he saw all the bras and spread his arms wide like Maria frolicking on the mountainside in "Sound of Music" and said "BOOBIES! Boobies evywhere!!" This got the attention of the person working there. She helped me find bras. As I was checking out, she said, "oh yeah, he has put some stuff from here in your stroller." I hadn't even noticed, so I thanked her and we pulled it all out. We found several pieces that weren't from that store! SHITBALLS! He stole a bunch of jewelry from store #1.
• We went back to store #1 and I left all the stolen jewelry at the counter. We went to the next store and I realized this would never work out so we went to eat lunch. We got all of our lunch to the table, were halfway done when both of them started saying "I need to pee. My pee pee is coming out. I have to pee right now." 
• I decided I wasn't going to get to eat lunch so I put their lunch in the stroller. I was carrying N in a carrier and he was asleep. We went to a department store that had a family bathroom so we could all fit in there. They each went pee and then got back in the stroller to eat their lunch. I smelled something foul. Butterball had taken a giant dump all over the place, his clothes and everything. 
• I got the Butterball naked and cleaned up while the twins ate their lunch, IN A BATHROOM. He had no spare outfit. I took him, in his diaper, through the department store to buy a new outfit. I found one on clearance but didn't love it so I put it on the stroller. I then found a cute on sale outfit and bought it, while standing with my naked baby in a store. I got him dressed and we went to the play area.
• The kids were dying to ride the carousel but the person was on break so after they almost had a tantrum I derailed them with the play area. They ran and jumped and had a good old time. We got on the carousel when the person returned from their lunch break. Osh man insisted on riding the tea cup. That's cool with me, but then the lady says I have to ride with him. I ride in a carousel that is going round and round while I was also spinning round and round. Barf city!
• We got off and happily trotted over to our stroller to load up. Hanging there was the first outfit from the department store. Not only had my son stolen things today, I did too! We returned to that store and I prayed that I wasn't about to get arrested for returning the second stroller related theft operation we had going on that day. The item was returned. Osh asked to get out of the stroller and I said NO WAY! We are out of here. 
• The hermit crab stand necessitated a stop. The kids were thrilled with the different shells. One thing did go right.
• We went to visit my grandparents, which was nice.

Finally, it was time to go home. I needed a nap like the desert needs rain but I told them we could go swimming once we got home. Osh looked at me while rubbing his eyes and said "Mommy, did you know that I am not tired, not even at all?" Of course not.

As Hubby says, "the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then." And that's what happened then. The wild man fell sound asleep and then it started raining. Yay. Thank you Universe for small miracles.

No more trips to the mall for us anytime soon!

Nash carefully observing bad behavior.

Observation: bad behavior looks awesome!

What's Been Going On

Right before the Butterball made his grand appearance, I wanted to be off early from work. Things got crazy with a capital C at work so I stayed a week longer than anticipated. The week I was off I wanted to rest a little and then get everything ready. Instead I fell down the stairs, the kids got sick and everyone was home and then baby made his appearance on a day that the twins were home from daycare and even Hubby was sick. Then a week after he came home we were in the hospital with RSV for 8 days. Then the twins started acting out because their entire life changed dramatically by being at home and having a little brother. Then Hubby started going bananas because he works full time and goes to school (in class, not online) full time and had a really tough semester. This meant that we did not take shifts and I have been up all night, all the time with baby. Then I went back to work and realized that wasn't going to work. Then I became a full time SAHM which caused a big shift in our financial situation, mostly as far as me being able to make independent decisions with my independent income. This all happened in a short period of time.

What's the point?

Everything that I have ever wanted, I have (except the poor factor). I got the family of my dreams despite infertility for which I am extremely thankful and still really shocked about. I get to stay at home which I really always thought would be what I would do when I had kids. But despite these wonderful, amazing things, I have been feeling as if the walls are caving in and I am being buried underneath it all. I feel a lot like I will never measure up to the standards I had set for myself and were my expectations. I feel like I have really let Hubby down and I feel mostly like I am not good enough for the twins. I thought I would be so good at this, the one thing I would rock at, but I don't.

I went to the doctor to tell her about it but I felt so much shame for feeling these things that I couldn't do it. I decided to power through, it would get better, Butterball still isn't sleeping all night and that would change things. Time would be our friend.

But I still didn't feel good so finally right before my last appointment ended I told her how I was feeling. I cried and admitted I was so ashamed to feel like this. I told her how I binge eat when I feel sad or out of control and I have never weighed this much and I honestly think I am giving myself diabetes and I feel like poo. She told me between hormones, sleep deprivation, major life changes, breast feeding fluctuations (my supply is currently tanking) and having three very young children there is nothing to be ashamed of and the odds aren't really in my favor if we thought about it.

So we made a plan and I am feeling a lot better about the whole thing.

The  moral of the story is I wish I had gone earlier to the doctor to get some help. I hate that I felt ashamed about it. Who am I really trying to impress? No one. If people think I'm crazy or an asshole for feeling off, go ahead. I feel much better now and am becoming the mommy I always thought I was. I just needed a little help. Had I been suicidal or very angry or unable to care for the kids or myself I would have made myself go sooner, but it's just an off, something isn't clicking type feeling, you know? Now it's mostly gone. Aaaaah. So that's that, I'm feeling better and we are doing really well!

 

Groundhog's Day

I am a few months in with my stay at home mom gig now. I don't count my maternity leave because I was still employed and still thinking of working full time, even though that was stupid because I couldn't afford the daycare anyway. Also the first few months of newborn-hood are a brutal sleep deprived, fuzzy good smelling baby high induced state that can't be counted as real life anyway.

Truth be told, it's a little more frustrating than I thought. It feels like Groundhog's Day really. When I was working the house chores didn't bother me much because they were no big deal and if they didn't get done, who cares? We were never in the house anyway between working, daycare, eating out and doing fun things on the weekend so we didn't make much mess. But everyday things around here look the same, if I didn't get to cleaning or if I did. It's like I do 7 loads of laundry and feel so much relief and less than 48 hours the hampers look exactly the same. One day I was so proud of myself for vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms and getting a bunch done. Then Hubby came home and I looked around at the bits of laundry on the couch and the toys everywhere and the snack the kids just had on the table. More cleaning than I ever used to do in a week in one day of us being here all day looked like nothing. I basically feel like a bad housekeeper. That kind of sucks. I put myself through college and am still paying for it so I can be a sloppy, tired, frazzled housekeeper?

I hate to admit it, but I think the twins are bored shitless with me. I feel so guilty, but the baby still dictates our schedule because his sleep is sometimes good but sometimes not, he goes through frequent growth spurts where he needs to eat a ton and be held a bunch. I love holding the butterball a bunch and am so glad I get to do it at my leisure instead of outside my working hours, but I'm not sure if I'm keeping the twins from better things.I joined the gym to get myself in shape, get some alone time, and let the kids socialize. They fight me tooth and nail to get there and I do not enjoy loading the three up in the car so I have put in my notice until they are older and a little easier and the baby has a better routine. I would really like to send the kids to preschool but we are poor, there are no school district options for our income level, and all of the kid's day out programs are religious so I'm not sure what to do. The twins are going to one week of preschool summer camp next week so we will see how great life is and what kind of lengths we should go to to possibly put them in some type of preschool (options: cooking meth, selling body organs, prostitution, etc).

There are some moms who are just so with it, you know? They look good, their kids are happy, they are happy all the time. I wonder how they do it. I asked quite a few and got great info. On another note, many of the ones who are super moms I have found out later have their kids in school, nanny's (some full time and overnight), people who come to clean their house, sitter's to watch their kids while they go to the gym, husband's who do all the grocery shopping, the list could go on. I kid you not. No wonder they look great, right? This makes me feel worse in a way because I dream of being rich but better in a way because it's all on  me. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but only a liar says they never compare. It's the human way (or the American way at least).

I am in a kind of limbo because I can't wait for the baby to get older so we can get back to the place we were in where everyone is mobile and on the same page. At the same time, all this snuggling I get to do with the butterball I didn't get to do as much with the twins so I want to take advantage of it. I love fat baby snuggles and even big three year old snuggles. I don't want to wish their littleness away just so I can get more things accomplished. It goes by so quickly! There are major plusses to being at home as well. Every Monday we have PJ day. All day. It's fun. While everyone is complaining of the Monday's we are in our jammies making muffins or some other baked goods. I don't like doing 7 loads of laundry a day, but with some maneuvering, I can do 7 loads of laundry a day. When we do things together we can "stop and smell the roses." Roam at our own leisure, if you will. We don't have to be anywhere. We have started packing a picnic once a week and meeting Hubby for lunch at a park near his work. I feel way less guilty taking time to myself. I get to hear each and every crazy thing that comes out of the twins mouths firsthand. Another cool thing is that I have been doing a lot of around the house projects that weren't really urgent before. I have been taking before and after pics and can't wait to share all the organizing I've been doing.

Being 100% unemployed hasn't really worked for me though so I have been working for the last month in retail. It is very flexible, between 12-20 hours a week in the evenings. I have to say it's fun and I know it's a luxury to work for fun. It gives me a reason to put on some Spanx and a face of make up and go earn some dough. I have worked with many interesting characters and it's just easy and enjoyable. I like it. I good mix of lots of my kiddo time and time to myself, plus money is always nice. We are having a big garage sale this weekend and purging a bunch of our crap. I hope it will be a new beginning!

So, any magical tips you have at making things easier, you are welcome to leave me!



There was a "Sid the Science Kid" movie on PBS one day so we made a make shift movie theater and had popcorn!

Butterball

A little update on the Butterball! You may notice that I don't blog much. You wouldn't think adding one little munchkin to the house plus now being at home all day would be that much different, but sheesh, it's different. Real different.

The Butterball is growing like a crazy little weed. At five months and some change, he is coming in at over 17 pounds! I love his roly poly chunk body. He has still only had breast milk, but unfortunately I think that may be dwindling soon because my supply has just started tanking. He eats rice cereal before bed and has a little bit of pureed food once a day. He hates peas and bananas, but loves sweet potatoes. He is meh on the carrots and green beans. I made him a popsicle with breast milk the other day and he was so excited that he got to have something to munch on at the table while we were eating dinner. I swear he is dying to get a handful of some real food!

At only five months and some change he is also already rolling and moving around. When I pump I put him on a play mat right in front of me and last week he made it off the play mat and across the room to grab a dirty sock to chew on from the laundry pile. The twins are very interested in him moving around and I am trying my best to train them to be more responsible with their squinkies and beads and other tiny things that they leave around.

On the sleep front, it is touch and go. I will say it is 1000000% easier than twins, thank the Universe, but getting interrupted sleep over long periods of time, like five months and some change, is hard on a person. That is a big reason why I don't blog as often yet. My goal is to blog for a little while and get my thoughts out all at once and schedule posts but my stupid internet is slow as f#$% so by the time it loads I'd rather be sleeping. But due to the interrupted sleep I don't sleep that well anyway so I am stuck with all these thoughts swirling in my head, trapped there and not overshared on the internet for my free personal therapy. It's a vicious  cycle. Now that my tangent is over, back to the Butterball. He sleeps ok. Sometimes well and sometimes not. He sleeps poorly only when he is sick but unfortunately that is frequently. Otherwise he gets in his bed around 9 and sleeps there until 3-5 a.m. when he feeds and goes back to sleep. He always feeds again around 6:30 and then is up for the day between 8 and 8:30. I typically only wake twice so I will be thankful for that because after having Osh man I know it could be worse. So much worse, in fact. I'm tired all the time though and am ready for some energy!

We were driving out of town and I saw his face in the mirror behind his carseat and said to Hubby, "aren't you so glad we had him? Isn't he the best thing in the world?" It's true. He is such a sweet, lovable, great little thing. I can't get enough of him. The twins love him too. Everyone does really, you just can't help it.

Here are some pics of my jolly little chubster, marker tattoo by Peanut. At his appointment the doctor said "is that marker in his ear?" Why yes, yes it is. 

Mother's Day

Four years ago on this day, I was in bed. All day.

A few months before this day I had injected hormones into my own stomach and put all my hopes in yet another failed treatment. For the week preceding this day we had no groceries whatsoever in the house because the sight of all the Mother's Day advertisements at the grocery, Target, Walmart or drug stores caused my heart to race and the tears to flow. Four years ago on this day I swallowed an antidepressant and alternated between sleeping, crying and wondering what in the world I was supposed to do in a motherless life when I knew since I was five years old that all I wanted was to be a mom.

It sucked hard.

But not today! Today I woke up to the first sight that I see everyday, which is a gorgeous, chunky baby snuggled up next to me and usually cooing to wake me up. On the edge of my bed I saw two excited three year old's, one with a card in hand and one with a gift in hand (a massage and facial gift card, hello). I got kisses times three and hugs times three. We spent a day at the zoo and ate a big yummy dinner and were all exhausted and ready for bed early.

Mother's Day is such a special day for me. It's like my personal Thanksgiving Day. I don't often feel thankful for having to go through infertility, but today I do. I can feel the gratitude in every cell of my body that on this day I got to wake up in such a different place than I did four years ago with all my dreams come true. It's all been worth it and even more worth it than I could imagine. I romanticized motherhood for many years and it's even better (and even harder) than I thought. Tonight before bed I asked the twins if they could give me a hug because it's Mother's Day and I'm their mommy. That sounds stupid, but for the third time now it's still a huge thrill. Mother's Day is a "pinch me" moment and I do my best to wallow in it for every bit of the day I can.

Happy Mother's Day to me, because I'm a mom, and those words never get old. And special thoughts to all the mommy's to be trying to complete their families or living through the loss of your little's, it's so hard and I hope one day your dreams come true too.

On this same note, I hope this is how all of life works. Today I woke up poor so in four years I will wake up rich, yes? Sounds good to me!