Mr. Vasectomy has the Fever

You might recall that during my pregnancy with baby 3, Hubby said he really wanted to get a vasectomy. I said I wasn't really sure that I like the idea.

After having my little love bug, I told him make an appointment and take care of those things! Now he wants nothing to do with it. He reminds me back in the day that I wanted five kids. I love being a mommy and in many ways it has been way more magical than I imagined. In many other ways, it has been way harder than I imagined. Moral of the story: three kids are perfect. And really expensive so I can't imagine four.

Hubby mentions having more kids all. the. time. "Want to go make another baby?" No. "Look how cute our kids are, let's have two more." No. "We have two more seats in the van." No. "I thought you said you were going to give me a baby for my birthday." No. It goes on and on.

He even puts me on blast in public.

Random person: "So, are you guys having more kids?"
Hubby: "Yes, I want more kids but the wife doesn't."
Random person stares at me.

Me: "Aww, look at our little guy getting so big. I can't believe our last baby is standing."
Hubby: "He's not our last baby."

He finally asked me during dinner why I don't want anymore babies. I told him that I feel our family is complete. I feel that we are perfect as we are and there is no need to mess with it. I asked him in return why he thinks we wants more babies. He said he loves being a dad and having kids is so great he thinks we should just keep going. Cue the sappy music and guilt trip.

I don't know why we have Nash and I don't want to know. I'm not doing treatments again, period. I don't need to know failure again. I'm good. I have three healthy babies, no need to tempt fate a fourth time. I feel so sad for Hubby that he doesn't feel done, but maybe I will change my mind or maybe he will change his mind. You never know. I hope I don't offend anyone but I never understand people desiring and trying for more babies while they still have a baby. I have a baby, therefore, I do not need a baby. The need is currently being met. TTC with a kiddo less than one is CRAZY!!!

Guilt trip or no, I do feel complete with our family. This little chubby has been such a joy and I think I'm good. When he is potty trained, no more diapers! When he is done breastfeeding, I get my body to myself! No more washing bottles, no more getting up a million times a night, etc, etc.

I also know that my baby boy being my last baby means no more toothless grins, no more tiny clothing, no more first steps and coos and sweet baby smell. No more chubby bunny small enough to carry. That is sad too, but it's a fact of life. Someone will be the last, so I am choosing to enjoy the heck out of all these little things instead of freak out that it will never happen again and I feel good about that.

Until grandkids of course.

What does the Hubby say to all of these things?

"Maybe you should start reading those Fifty Shades of Porn books again."

Oy.

SAHM vs. Working Mama

Before I post this, it is NOT about other people. It is only about me and my observations about myself, I absolutely do not think that one is superior to the other and everyone should be the same. I don't think there is any difference at all in kids who are raised by a SAHM or a two parent working household. For real. 

I spent two and a half years as a full time working mom to twins. I have now spent about 9 months as a stay at home mom to three. The initial adjustment was really tough. My self worth completely changed. My bank account really changed. Trying to figure out how to stay on a schedule and not stay in my pj's all day was hard. As much as I love my kids with all my heart, having them in my face all day was hard too. I was so jealous of SAHM's who had someone to clean their house or a nanny or daycare a few days a week. The change was hard on Hubby too, being the sole provider is a big deal.

There was no turning back though. Daycare for three littles is over $2,000 a month. Unless I got a kick ass job, SAHM is how I need to be.

Let me please say with all seriousness, I absolutely love it. I love it. I can't even think of going back to work full time. I currently work part time to help out a little with finances but to also be able to afford some extras and it is such a great balance. For me, making the comparison, life is so much easier. I don't struggle to get all the kids ready and drop them off anywhere. I don't have to worry about carefully saving up my sick days for the dreaded winter season when we are sick constantly. We can make doctor's appointments any time of day. We can meet with friends. We can hop in the car and go to the library, the park. We can stay in our jammies all day. My house is clean and we eat at home. We aren't rushed and I don't have to count every second because I have so many more seconds in the day.

I love listening to all the crazy things the twins are coming up with. I love watching them explore things. We are doing some homeschool and that is fun for me too. I love snuggling the baby at my leisure. Taking naps with him. We are still nursing and it is now pretty stress free and also cheap.

Of course there are times when I feel frumpy and gross. There are times when I feel like I am just a college educated maid and butt wiper. There are times when I think I may go postal if I hear one more "mommy, mommy, mommy" or whining or step on another toy. But mostly I love it and I feel so lucky I am getting this opportunity.

This week I wanted to pick up some more hours at my part time job to cover some expenses coming up. I didn't even have to get there until 1:45 in the afternoon and getting the kids ready, trying to wake up because the baby fed all night long and I was exhausted, having to change right before leaving because the baby smeared avocado all over me, dropping the kids off and then we only have one car that everyone fits in so trying and unsuccessfully switching cars with Hubby before getting to work so he could pick up the kids (he was pissed) was a hot mess. It put a lot of things into perspective!

Right now I'm knee deep in SAHM-hood and loving it. It will more than likely not change until the twins are in Kindergarten or higher due to daycare costs. I am definitely thinking of what I need to do now to make sure I have a chance at a job when they are older (part time, school hours only please???) because we all know taking yourself out of the workforce is a huge step backward. At the same time, it is giving me the opportunity to think about what I can do to enter a different field of work, so there are many positives to my new lifestyle.

I might be high on snuggles though.

Enjoying our last bits of warm weather. 

Friday Phone Dump

Again with the no numbers, sorry!

I made a little craft station in our office for the kids so they can grab what they need at anytime. This has been nothing but a terrible idea. It has lead to attempted hair cutting, watercolors floating in the toilet bowl, countless dried up glue sticks strewn about the house, and now, stamp ink all over the arms. I need to learn a lesson!

Every now and then I will do the Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 DVD. Both of the twins join in, but Ever really loves it and lasts the whole DVD! She doesn't have weights so she lifts her toys, which I find utterly adorable. I am thinking about picking her up a pair of 1 pounders from the sports store so she can really join in. Once I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water during the DVD and she yelled to me "get back in here, we have work to do." A little Jillian Michael's in the making!

The Hubs and I went to see "The Conjuring." It was super scary and really good. I like scary movies like that. I hate, and I mean loathe, scary movies that are thrill kill movies, just killing in the grossest ways for entertainment. That's disgusting and I don't get it. Hubby and were trying to make scary faces but mostly they just turned out silly.

For running, Ocean is the kid that really lasts! The kids love going jogging with me, but I barely make it 1.5 miles each time. Why, you ask? Because I have a two kid jogging stroller, so that is two kids who are properly installed so it's a little extra work but not bad. When Ocean is not running he sits in the front so that is 40 lbs of weight just weighing everything down and it kills me. It probably doesn't help that I am 20 lbs overweight, but I'll blame Ocean and my one- kid- short- of- a- full- ride stroller as much as possible.

Happy Friday!

Friday Phone Dump

Totally forgot to put numbers on so we are just going to start at the top left and go clockwise beyotches. 

-I occasionally participate in the redneck 401(k) plan. If you don't know what that is, you are probably rich. It is the lottery. I only pay the state one because I figure that isn't too greedy so it is karmically a better idea. Anyway, I won $25! That was very exciting and my biggest win yet. I should have probably bought some groceries but instead the twins and I decided to buy a train table off of Craigslist. It's a big hit and a major score for me, those things are ridiculous.

- On our big adventure we went to a children's museum where the kids could make super hero stuff and then stand over this pretend city and it was on a video screen. Ocean thought it was amazing.

-Ocean and I were up late one night so we made some t-shirt headbands that I had pinned on Pinterest. I have a motherload of t-shirts from my last job so we used one and Ever and I wore the headbands! Ocean actually wears them too sometimes. We are okay with it.

- Each day at approximately 10:30 a.m. Nash gets sleepy. This would be a prime opportunity to clean, organize, cook, etc. but instead we all crawl into bed. I nurse baby and we sleep and the twins watch a DVD from the library. It. is. my. favorite.

Happy Friday!

When the Shoe is on the Other Foot

I had a sex baby.

When other people had sex babies, it made me so jealous I could scream. It ate away at me. What did they do to deserve that? What did I do to deserve infertility? It felt so ugly and devastating, a blackhole of every sad emotion a person can feel. Infertility sucks.

I have many an internet friend and even a few "in real life" friends who have suffered on this shitbag road. Even though I was thrilled for myself to get a free baby, I still felt terrible for those still in the trenches. And it didn't and doesn't matter if it was their first, second, third time in the trenches, it still sucks. It wasn't exactly a walk in the park trying for number three, especially after the FET that left me at rock bottom for awhile, but in the end, I still got to have a baby, and it was the old fashioned way.

My favorite nurse at the OB's office has been on the infertile train for awhile with no success yet. I hated when I went in and she was the one checking me in. I refused to tell her about my annoying symptoms, like puking, swollen feet, bad back, exhaustion from the big job of working full time and having twins and being pregnant. I just couldn't do it. I knew it was her job, but I didn't want to do that to her because I knew what she was thinking, which is that she would give her left arm to be in my shoes. I could see it wearing her down and eventually I didn't see her often and she did more of the pediatric check in's. I don't blame her at all.

I've lost a few friends and some of our relationships have changed. I wouldn't trade the Butterball for any friend, ever, but I do feel a type of survivor's guilt sometimes. It makes me sad but I don't begrudge those people who didn't want to see all this. I know it's not personal to me, they are protecting their hearts and infertile hearts are so fragile. I have children for me  because I want them, not for anyone else and I am not one of those that thinks people owe me attention for procreating. Even though I was thrilled about baby, it made me sad to think that my joyous news and sheer, dumb good luck made anyone sad and made them hurt and think "why not me? Where is my miracle?" No one would feel 100% comfortable with it, unless you are a jerk.

Long story short, I love Butterball to pieces. I don't forget for any minutes how lucky I am he is here. I also do as I want, I brag about him, post thousands of pictures of him and go about my life while simultaneously wishing there was something I could do for my friends who are hurting. I know I can't, but I wish I could and I wish that everyone would get as many miracles as their hearts desire.

 

Sunday Confessional

• Everyone is talking about how excited they are for football season. I have to admit, I don't care about football. I don't care about football teams, football players, football clothes, football weather, chicks that pretend they like football for their spouses. No, I am not interested.

• I am so addicted to Thug Kitchen. When the word "motherfucker" is in a recipe, it just makes want to cook stuff all the more. Look it up on Facebook. 

• This is a big one. I feel almost dirty saying it, but I do like the name North. It's true. I like it a lot better than the name George. And to be honest, I like the name Poop better than the name Paisley. I hate that name. That's not a current celebrity kid's name (that I know of) but I have heard it a lot lately.

• I have a problem with food. My doctor said I should actually be a lot plumper than I am. I feel like I would like to be skinny, but I don't want to do anything to accomplish it. If I could be skinny by reading books and eating an entire dirt cake that Osh man and I made off of Pinterest, I would be down,  but I don't want to do anything because I am so lazy about it right now. And lately, this is the worst part, I am okay with it. I'm okay the way I am and I don't freak out about it. I know. Crazy. I'm still so tired that it can't be the priority. The only problem is that I have signed up for a half marathon so if I don't lose weight this extra 20 is going to kill me. You heard me right. I am packing more than 20 lbs of my usual weight!!!! Motivation, where are you?

• I forget to respond to texts and emails because I respond to them in my head and forget to do it in reality. I'm not sure if that's normal, but it happens almost everyday.

• My one major sanctimommy issue is milk. I don't think people should be drinking milk. But I NEVER say that to anyone's face unless they ask or criticize them after they do it so that makes me feel less sanctimommy-ish. I constantly get asked why they don't drink milk. I always respond "because they aren't cows" and people look at me like I'm as asshat. Oh well.

• Among other things that I dislike, Dancing with the Stars is one of them. I don't get it. Why do people like that? I'm serious, someone tell me.

• I don't know why people did this, but I had a lot of mom's tell me when they had kids really close together that it is just like twins or worse than twins. I found this either boring or annoying or just silly to compare. Now that I have a singleton I can give you an official verdict: I don't care what is going on, a singleton is a million times easier than twins. It's awesome. Singletons are great. So are twins. But singletons are easier. Nash sleeps just as bad as the twins and it's still way, way, way easier. 

Friday Phone Dump

Totally forgot to put numbers on so we are just going to start at the top left and go clockwise beyotches. 

-Peanut and Nash taking a ride in her Mini Cooper. Nash thought he was the man with the plan to get to be included on a big kid ride. Peanut is an awesome driver, she can take corners and go through narrow spaces like a pro. Also, can you believe how long her hair is? Remember when she was a baldy that had a natural mohawk up top? Unreal!

-I thought this was so funny when I saw Nash in the background climbing on me, like he is saying "yoohoo, I'm so slick." Love him.

-Sometimes I do my hair and make up, so I have to document it.

-One day we met Hubby for lunch at a park near his work. We packed a big picnic and it was lovely. By packed a picnic, I mean I had a blanket and drove through Shlotsky's. I don't know how to spell that, but they have good sandwiches.

Happy Friday!

Adventuring

I took full advantage of the fact that it is summertime and I don't work full time and we took an almost four week adventure!

First, the twins, Nash and I went on a road trip with my Mom. We drove for halfway to Colorado and stayed in a hotel. The twins will go anywhere that has a pool and they were thrilled to get some swimming in. The twins will also go anywhere that has a movie they can watch, so they are awesome road trippers as long as the DVD's are rolling. Nash isn't really thrilled with car rides, but he did pretty okay.

We then went up to visit my aunt who lives in the mountains. The twins were in LOVE. The smell and the trees and the mystery of the woods, they couldn't get enough. We visited family and had a lot of fun eating and playing and exploring.

Denver was the next stop on our list. We visited another friend, got to meet up with another infertile friend and relaxed. I also stopped by my mother ship that calls from all over, IKEA. I love that cheap mecca of bright and shiney home goods.

Our last road trip stop was to a family reunion. Before we even arrived, I could tell the kids were over it. Ocean even asked if we were going to be going home yet. Each day was long because they were exhausted and ready to be done. Finally, we made our way back home and road trip was over!

Party animals!

 

We were at home for a few days before we boarded a plane to Florida to visit my parents! We spent those few days in our PJ's, but we were super excited for the next adventure.

My kids are super awesome on the plane so it was no problemo. The kids loved the beach. They could not get enough, our last day we dragged them crying from the ocean. They waded in all the way up to their necks without floaties and went swimming as if they had been doing this for ages. I was a little emotional about this. I love the ocean (duh) and seeing my three babes enjoying it to pieces was too amazing.

Since we were a few hours away and we are road warriors anyway, we decided to take the plunge and visit Magic Kingdom. Again, I cried when we pulled up because this was on my bucket list way back when: take my kids to Disney World. I was worried that they might be too young and it was scary for my cheap ass because good Lord, people, that place costs an arm and a leg. My parents and brother went and we had a fabulous time! We rode all the rides we wanted to and the kids had a fabulous time.

Daddy and his Princess

Now we are home and living our regular life. I must say this was the most fun I have had in forever and I felt truly blessed to get to go and do all those things. I'm not sure how to top it next summer, but I better start planning now!