Mom Friends

I don't think we will have WTF Wednesday this week. I'm missing all my shows! I'll have to get back on the ball soon, but I have also been getting up at the butt crack of dawn to be to work by 7:00 a.m. so TV doesn't sound quite so appealing. Stacy also told me that I am going to have an aneurysm soon watching it, and I agree.

On to the point of this post . . . . .

I can't decide if I need to find mom friends. I've been unsuccessful so far. Here are my list of reasons:

1. The usual culprit, infertility. People don't usually enjoy watching someone's eyes roll so far back into their head they look like they have been overcome by Satan and someone should call a priest when they say things like "if my husband looks at me around 4:00 p.m. on a Saturday I am suddenly pregnant" or "I really hope our 12th child will be a boy, if not, we'll just keep on having babies!" No thanks.

2. I work, therefore playdates after a noon nap or a mommy and me workout at 10:00 a.m. on a Wednesday morning doesn't fit with my schedule. I also don't like the sad puppy eyed look I get from the other moms when I tell them I work everyday, full time. I have to.

3. My attention span is far too short to listen to the extremely overly thought out schedule of Super Mom's baby. In my house, we eat when we cry and we sleep when we're tired. We do have a general bed time, but that's about it. Thanks for making me feel like a loser Super Mom.

4. I don't read parenting books or follow special methods of parenting. When I am asked "what do you think about Weissbluth's method and what he said (is Weissbluth a chick or a dude?) on page 245, line 17?"

Me: "Uh, I don't know. What did you think of the NeNe calling Kim a dirty little wig wearing monkey on Real Housewives last week?"

Crickets chirping . . . . .

5. How. many. times. must. we. discuss. what. your. child. eats. and. how. often. ??? Of course breastfeeding must be discussed.

"I'm breastfeeding for at least year, it's such a wonderful experience."

Me: "Really? I'm so glad you're enjoying yourself. I don't use my breasts for feeding anyone currently, but sometimes I use them to get a cheap deal on my car service at Jiffy Lube."

Crickets chirping (or jaws dropping) . . . .

I also don't make my own baby food. I tried. It looked gross. I'm also too lazy to do that on a regular basis.

6. I don't need to talk about how awesome my babies are to people. I can say this or that, but not for very long periods of time. Why? I assume when you look at them that you automatically know that they are exceptionally attractive, advanced, and funny. I shouldn't have to explain that. Just like I shouldn't have to continuosly be asked to spell Ever's name for people. I'm pretty sure that's a sight word that everyone should know by the time they graduate Kindergarten.

I know I'm a smart mouth and I know that I'm not an expert on parenting things and perhaps just winging it is a poor choice, but there has to be something that I could bring to the table! There have to be some moms who would like to have a playdate on the weekend right? There are some other moms out there just like me right? Anyone? Bueller?

I know that someday I'm going to find my mom friend soulmate. She's out there. I think I would like to have mom friends. I think it would be so awesome to call someone and say "hey, lets go out to lunch and take our babies, but let's only talk about them part of the time and talk about other stuff too." Am I asking too much? I also have to find someone who can do that while I allow my seven month olds to suck on french fries and not have to worry about someone calling Child Protective Services. Now, I'm not saying I have to be mom friends with someone who is just like me, just someone who could refrain from making me feel like a loser for using the Ashley Method. I like hearing about other styles of doing things because we use all different tips around here, I just don't want to feel like I suck.

What do you think?

Next order of business . . . let's place some bets!

On Saturday, we purchased 408 diapers and 46 jars of baby food. How long do you think it will be before our stash is out?

Proof that children do survive on the Ashley Method: