2010

I don't know how to describe this year. It's been . . . . okay, I just said I don't know how to describe it so I won't try. I think a rollercoaster might be the best description. Good thing I love rollercoasters.



You all know my obsession with photos so we will go through this glorious year that way. I will enjoy my old photos while eating a blueberry pastry and pretending that it's okay because it's giving me antioxidants (I did run 3 miles outdoors last night so don't worry about my buns too much ya'll).



January - Belly is growing and so it the realization that I might have babies. I feel excited and scared and just kind of weird and confused. (This photo cracks me up because I was so computer illiterate at the time that I printed that out and literally taped the words to my belly. Cuckoo!!)

February - I have my baby shower and get all kinds of baby stuff which again reminds me that this whole ordeal might end in a baby. Seems logical, right? To a normal person maybe, but to me it just didn't seem like it could be happening. I plan a big speech to conclude my shower but instead choke out "thank you" while blubbering like an idiot.

March - Work is wearing me down and for the first time I head to L&D, alone, because hubby is out of town. I am then taken out of work and on light bedrest. I sat around thinking and thinking about all the things that could happen. I tried sleeping, but I mostly just watched hundreds of episodes of Big Love and True Blood. I also think I watched Pineapple Express a few hundred times (I know, totally random bedrest movie).

April - The big one. I went to doctor appointment after doctor appointment and had a few scares along the way. Finally, after much bitching to my medical provider's, I reached full term and on April 22nd, 2010, the most important day of my life, two little healthy monkey's made their arrival.

May-July - The craziest transition period of my life. I was overwhelmed with joy, paranoid of it being taken away, so exhausted, figuring out what the heck my relationship was going to be like with hubby and I as parents, worrying about money (if you think IF treatments are expensive, you can keep reliving that by having twins), wondering what to do with my life and trying to figure out what being a parent really is. Yeah . . . .

July-November - I go back to work and figure out how to be a working mommy. Not as easy as I thought. The babies change and grow so much that I think around July I was feeling like we should have more babies someday. Don't worry, that was fleeting. I am increasingly excited as they learn to do new things.

December: The best month of them all really. I feel like we are a functioning family now. We have had teeth, crawling, and kisses happen for the first time all in this month. They reach their arms to me and smile when I come home. The ball has begun to roll and we are golden.

2010 was a great year. It's sad that it has come and gone so quickly, but I am looking forward to our whole lifetime, not just the baby years. The first steps, the first words, the first day of Kindergarten, embarassing them in front of their friends, meeting boyfriends/girlfriends, prom, graduation and someday I will be a grandma too and 2010 was the start of it all!

Tonight we will have a PJ party. We were offered babysitting, but didn't take it. We will ring in the New Year in our jammies with our monkey's.

You won't see any resolutions from me because I'm really not into that. Hopefully my butt will be smaller by 2012, but there are no guarantees and it's not a priority. This year is a go with the flow year.

And that was a really good pastry so I don't want to be making anyone any promises.

Coming up: The return of WTF Wednesday!! But it's going to be WTF Friday.

Happy New Year!

I hope it brings you everything you've ever dreamed of!

Change of Heart

I have written several times about how hard it is to go to work and how I have formulated all these plans to stay at home with the babies. I have had several tear filled fights with my husband regarding this issue. I have had more than enough "woe is me" moments where I was so pissed that I couldn't be a stay at home mom and I thought of all things I would sacrifice to make it happen.

Good thing I didn't. Because I changed my mind.

I don't know how it happened, but I realized that I don't think that would be for me. Part time maybe, but I don't think that I want to be a stay at home mom. Ever.

I love my babies. A lot. It's not that I don't want to be with them, but I feel like I a moving towards a level of satisfaction now that we are in a groove. I feel like I love the time I spend with the babies. I feel like I would like a little more time but that I just may not be cut out for the full time experience.

Ouch, I just feel guilty even admitting any of this.

But it's true.

There are things that I don't do know that I wish I would because I work, like take care of myself. I can't spend awake time with the babies working out because I need that time with them but after they are in bed my energy is gone completely. I mean, I have the energy to type up a little something something, but certainly not to run and do crunches and lift weights and all. When I was home all day during maternity leave I did not feel bad about taking an hour to work out because I was with them all day. Now I'm not. It's a small sacrifice and all it costs is some juicy thighs and the fact that I have to wear spanx so tight I can hardly breathe on a daily basis.

I would like to sleep more. A lot more. Unfortunately, not working wouldn't change that due to the fact that I have twins who RARELY sleep at the same time.

My groove is found and I'm fine with it. Yes, I hear, "boy, do you look exhausted" more often than I wish I did, but it's my life. And it's good. I'm pleasantly plump, wrinkly, and I have gray hair, but my soul is feeling more satisfied. I didn't know how motherhood would be. I knew it would be cool, but it's all kinds of deeper than I figured. The changes are crazy. How quickly things change is crazy. A year ago if anyone would have told me "you aren't going to care that you look like crap" I may have slapped them. But it's true. I care a little, can't lie about that, but certainly not anywhere near what I used to.

For me, working is a good thing. Maybe in future points of motherhood I will change my mind (again), but for today, I know it's good.

And I like money. And benefits. Those are plus sides to working as well. The babies like them too, especially since they cost so much and Oshy had to make his SECOND trip to the pediatrician outside of a well child visit.

I also like conversating with adults. I like getting out of the house. With two babies, a breather can really feel good.

To sum it up, here are the good things:

1. Breathers
2. Money
3. Benefits
4. Adult time
5. Personal satisfaction
6. My time away helps me really value my time with them

Bad things:

1. I'm not with them all day and they are changing FAST, so so unbelievably FAST
2. I don't have the energy for personal wellness
3. I wonder if they think I am abandoning them
4. I am jealous of someone else being with them

I can't describe what it's like to roll up to the house and peek through the window and then walk in the door. Two gorgeous little monkeys smile from ear to ear and all they want is mama. I love it.

My sweetest Christmas present

My sassy Peanut

Holiday Madness

I did not anticipate how crazy it would be for our first family Christmas. Holy crap.

I'll give you the rundown with photos. Can you guess how many I've taken since Thursday? If you guessed 153 you would be correct!

On Thursday everyone was here and we decided to go to the mall to take pictures THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS EVE with my whole family. Yeah, hubby had to park about a mile from any mall entrance and it was packed! We all got traumatized when the photographer made us take some creepy incest pictures with my siblings and I laying on top of each other even though we are ALL grown ups. Eew.

After that we headed down to the Plaza in Kansas City where we had a lovely family meal at Buca di Beppo. I hit the sauce a little. Yes I did.

The babies were brutally exhausted from all the different places that they went in the day and ended up passing out cold. The babies then got super excited that they were in their own home with no one touching them so they stayed up late.

The next morning they got dressed in their pretties for Christmas Eve. We went to my Grandparents for most of the time and then to hubby's Grandma's for a short time and then back to my Grandparents, whew.

It was then time to get dressed in our special Christmas jammies. I figured this first Christmas the babies wouldn't really know what was happening.

I was wrong. They got energized and excited and tore into everything. Ocean's favorite was a tool bench and Ever's favorite was a pillow pet. They were so cute.

We went home to prepare for Santa. Ocean was obviously very excited because he decided to stay up until 11:30 which is 3 hours past night night time. Santa came while Ocean was still awake and it was weird because Santa looked kinda like Mommy.

Ocean did not have his special Christmas jammies on like Ever for Santa morning because he took a big pee all over it on Christmas Eve. Such is the life with a baby boy. Santa is sexist because Ever got a baby carriage and Oshy got a basketball hoop.

We packed up and headed back to my grandparents where the babies utilized their new hardcore crawling skills to get into everything.

We said goodbye to my family and I cried. (I also told myself to get a haircut ASAP)

I ate so much that I thought my underwear might explode off my body. Now we are all tired and fat and will have to get back on schedule. But we'll do that tomorrow.

Naughty Mommy

Having kids is amazing. In my mind I thought having kids would be amazing, but it's really better than words can describe. I love it and I love my monkeys.

It's also super exhausting. Just as I couldn't grasp how truly amazing being a mommy would be, I really had no idea how truly and viciously tiring it would be.

Yesterday when it was wake up time and I had to get up and off to work, it was so difficult. I was just hit with tiredness. I was so tired I felt kind of teary and emotional for awhile and then it turned into a horrid raging headache. The kind of headache that pierces into your brain and makes you see stars and you think you just might puke. There is major stomach flu going around at work so the just might puking part had me a little scared. I left work early. I have loads of family in town that I could relax with.

But I didn't.

I came home and the house was empty. No babies. No family. No hubby.

I didn't call or text. I took advantage. I took drugs, AirBorn, and tons of water and then I took a nap in the middle of the day for several hours. It was just what I needed! I woke up feeling WAY better. Of course it could've been from the drugs, but I think some empty house sleepy time was much needed.

Then I got busted. My brother came over to get diapers for the babies out of the closet and I was snoozing away in my bed. There was laundry piled to the ceiling and dishes in the sink. I felt a huge pang of guilt that when I am not working the only place I should be is with the babies.

But the rest felt good. So good.

After that I did an extra naughty. A mommy guilt naughty. Even after my naptime, they ended up sleeping over at Grandma's and I slept again for 7.5 uninterrupted hours. 3 hours and 7.5 uninterrupted hours is WAY better, I mean worlds better, than 12 interrupted hours.

So I'm a bad mommy. But I feel better.

As the holiday approaches, I must post my holiday card.

Last year's holiday card:

Did you know that it is a super super hot topic to put an ultrasound photo on a Christmas card? I did not know this! I know it makes infertiles extra mad and I get that because I was the Queen of Bitter Infertiles once myself and had I received a card like this during that time I would have been pissed. I know now I would have only been pissed because of jealousy and anger. But what makes regular old baby making people so mad? It has been called tacky, disgusting, etc. I LOVE this card! I basically consider myself a genius for coming up with it. So eff you all who don't like it, because I sent it with pride last year!

This year's card:

Yes, I did find the card that would hold the maximum amount of photos. :) You can see that the babies have changed quite a bit in a year. Next year they will be approaching two years old at this time . . . . crazy!

8 Months

Dear Babies,

You are 8 months old (you are technically 8 months old tomorrow but mama will be super busy so no internet action at all)! How the heck did this happen? I swear I was just wondering if you little aliens were ever going to come out and now you are here and only FOUR months from being one YEAR old. A year. 365 days. Crazy.

Oshy - You are wearing 12 month clothes because you are so tall! You have one little toothy that is sharp as *beep* You smile all the time. Literally, anything makes you smile and I know you are going to get yourself out of a lot of trouble with that killer grin. Although you have mostly been passive, you have just started tackling your sister down and getting your toys back. You can also pull yourself up and stand with help. Everyone comments on your extreme cuteness and precious smile.

Peanut - You are wearing 9 month clothes. You are steadily climbing in the growth charts and you have long legs and a round belly. You have been voted "Most Likely To Receive The First Spankin'" because you are so crazy. You fake cough which is just hilarious and I have no idea how you figured that out. You are pretty stingy with the smiles, except when Mommy and Daddy come home from work. You steal toys from Oshy a lot, you pull Mommy's hair a lot and you even pulled Santa's beard the other day which is why you will probably get a lump of coal for Christmas. You have mastered the art of kissing and I love it!

You both now throw tantrums. You don't just cry because you need something, you also cry because you are pissed.

You both love to eat. We had to buy Mum Mum biscuits for you because you made us feel so guilty for eating food in front of you. You would rather eat solids than anything else.

You both love baths big time. You splash and play and suck on ducks and washcloths.

You go to bed around 8:30 and Oshy usually gets up sometime in the night. You both wake up between 7:00 and 7:30 a.m. every morning.

I can't believe you are growing up so fast!

Mommy loves you big ones!!!

Finally

After three Christmases of asking Santa for a healthy baby (who am I kidding, I mean desperately begging Santa) . . . .

MY WISH HAS FINALLY COME TRUE (plus a bonus peanut)!!!!

After waiting in line to take this picture with a big fat smile on my face, we went to eat. I was beaming and I stared at our pictures every chance I could. I also kept staring at my two sleeping beauties who were exhausted from dancing to Christmas music (live mind you), having random strangers tell them how cute they are, and from sitting with Santa. I cried a few happy tears because I couldn't help it. In a public restaurant (it wouldn't be the first time).

I had convinced myself that I would never get to do those things that other parents were doing at the holiday, like dressing up their family and taking pictures. I feel like the luckiest person around.

People keep asking what I want for Christmas. I try to think of things, but I already got my presents!

Special thanks to Grandma and Grampa Grampa for the pictures!!

I'm A Creepy Psychic

When Oshy and Ever were in the womb, Ocean was so active. In our 4D u/s, Ever's face was so sweet and serene and Ocean had a goofy smile on his face.

One day I had a vision. Totally random. It just hit me. Not a dream, but a vision while I was awake.

Ocean and Ever were probably 3. They were sitting at the table eating. Ever was acting so silly and crazy and Ocean said "Mommy, what is wrong with her?"

First, I thought a call to the therapist might be in order because why am I having random visions in the middle of the day? Second, it just wasn't what I felt was going to be true. It just seemed to me like Oshy would be the livewire and Ever would be calm and collected.

Well . . . . . the vision was totally TRUE!! Ever is a hand full. EXTRA full! Oshy is such a sweet snuggle lover. For the first 6 weeks, Ocean was more animated and Ever was sweet and quiet so I thought my feelings were going to be true. But it has all changed!

The babies are people now. They have personalities. I love it, but at the same time, I feel like they should still be little tiny babies just wanting snuggles and food! But they do stuff now. Like play together, communicate (in their own way), get around the living room, eat food, and all kinds of stuff that amazes me for some reason.

Here is what typically happens . . . . . .

Ocean has a bottle and Ever wants it. So she takes it, and it excites her.

He decides he is going to take her clicker (remote, for those of you that use that word) just to get even.

Osh decides that the clicker isn't that cool and takes the jingle bell. Then they both smile for the camera because they just realized that is what they are supposed to do.

Then me, the nerdy mommy, thinks it's so cool, takes a ton of pictures, and then posts on Facebook how the huge milestone of fighting while my cool friends who don't have kids probably think I need to get a life.

But I have one!! Such a fun one.

Cross your fingers that I get a vision of winning lottery numbers sometime this week so I can take all of you, my faithful readers, to Hawaii, PERMANENTLY!! Woo woo!

Speaking of escaping, I have been reading some cool blogs lately. I will always be bonded to my infertility community, but sometimes infertility talk (treatments, pregnancy) gives me the yuckies in my stomach (PTSD maybe, I don't know, I'm not a therapist) I have been also entertaining myself with a balance of infertility/parenting after infertility with new "other" stuff.

The Daybook - the blog author is so cute and she is a little fashionista. I love the outfits that she puts together and posts and she also says where she got them and it is usually cheap which is great for me because I'm poor!

The Lowe Family News - the blog author has a lot of kids and a HIGH-larious sense of humor. The blog header is enough to get you cracking up but the rest is even better.

Enjoying the Small Things - the most beautiful blog, especially the photography. It is amazing! Click on the "Start Here if You're New" tab for her daughter's birth story. It is so real and raw and stunning. Don't forget the tissues! Since I am one of nearly 9,000 (!!!!!!!!!) followers, you've probably heard of it before.

Have fun!

The Shopping Trip From Hades

It's gotten pretty cold around these parts lately. I knew that it was going to be cold today, VERY cold, so I decided the babies and I better get out of the house for sure. It was just me and the two monkeys, but I decided to risk it.

We bundled up extra warm and headed to the mall. Yesterday I packed up a ton of their clothes (tear) so I needed some retail therapy because it is a little sad how quickly my babies are growing. Of course the parking lot was a zoo due to the holiday season.

Both babies had been fussy and now they were asleep. I got the baby carrier out and put Ever in it and then wrapped her in a blanket. I got the umbrella stroller out for Oshy and put the diaper bag in it. It was freezing. I mean super nasty freezing out. I was in a rush. I picked Oshy up and the hit of cold air made his gasp and whimper. I got him into the stroller and he started fussing. I was in such a panic I was pulling at the seat belt and my grip got loose and I hit Oshy right in the nose!! Can you believe it? The poor guy gets the rude awakening of freezing air and then gets hit in the nose by his own mommy. He is obviously now very upset.

I get him strapped in and wrap the blanket around him. I take off running. I look like a complete jackass. The wind blows off one of Ocean's socks so he now has a bare foot in the 24 degree weather. I run faster. The wind blows again and it blows off the babies' blankets.

We don't even make it to the mall entrance ya'll.

I decide I am the #1 suckiest mom on the planet and turn around and run for the car. I again get in such a panic all I can do is screw things up. I yank Oshy out of the stroller and he is a complete wreck. Everything is in such a tangle I am bent over and I can tell by the breeze at least half of my ass is showing. Cars drive by. I know this isn't good, but my bare ass is just not the priority. Both babies are now in the carseats, crying. A man walks by smiling at me. I want to punch him in the face. Look dude, I know you just saw the shining beacon of white light that is my behind, but I don't need to have you looking at me with that d-bag smile on your face!

We are all in the car and I start driving because I know they will fall asleep like they always do in a moving vehicle. Once the car is quiet, I do what any mature adult what do and cry like a little baby.

Then drive through Culver's for a holiday ice cream treat in the form of emotional eating.

Oy, I learned my lesson.

Speaking of cold weather, I have some photos of our new cold weather apparel!

I spent lots of time looking at hats on Etsy, but I am a cheapskate and couldn't bring myself to spend $20-$30 on a hat for the super growth twins. I found these at Walmart for $7 and I think they are so cute, I couldn't believe it!

"What the hell is on your head?"



We sure won't lose Peanut in the snow!

Totally Random

- Everyone is starting to feel better. Praise. I have now had two good nights of sleep in almost two weeks.

- Even with two kids now and no sleep, I am by some miracle more organized than usual. Weird! I am almost done holiday shopping and it's not the day before Christmas!

- Ever is a freak. She is wild. Many moons ago when I worked in an infant room I have never experienced an infant like this. I am sadly in love with it. Hubby said it won't be funny in a few years, but I'm pretty sure I am going to think of it as equally as funny as I do now. My little Oshy is such a lover and a sweet boy and people just ooh and aah over him. And then there's little crazy. I am feeling so in love with them these days. Maybe it's the holidays or more sleep or something, but it's like extra amazing love. I'm a total loser right now because it's making me tear up just thinking about how much I love them.

- One of my staff at work said that they are approaching their 21st birthday. I told her in a few months I will be 27. And two of them said at the same time "that's it?" WHAT!!!???? I'm getting botox.

- I have recently begun eating healthier and exercising. This week I have done 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical, my 12 minute DVD (which is way harder than 30 minutes of cardio) and a Kickboxing class. I expected it to be basically aerobics. No. I wore boxing gloves and a Marine was telling me how to punch, kick and protect my head when someone was fighting me. No one is going to fight me. I don't punch by the way, I bitch slap. In my mind because I actually don't do that either. It was a great workout! I have even lost one pound this week even though I screwed up in the most heavenly way by eating a cheeseburger and candy cane/peppermint/ oreo ice cream cup. Yummy!

- Ocean is kicking life's ass. Let me highlight all of the developments in just a week:

1. Feeding himself (Ever can do this too)

2. Drinking from a sippy (Ever cannot do this)

3. Crawling (Ever can't do this as well, she is too busy being crazy)

Ever is best at being naked. We are going through a terrible phase with her throwing tantrums while getting changed. If it wasn't 28 degrees here and getting colder I would just let her be in a diaper 24/7.

Isn't she so stinkin' cute?


-On a side note regarding the last post, destroying the embryo is not an option either for us because I'm not comfortable with it. We will either use it or donate it, those are the two options for us, just FYI.

- Our hard drive crashed. Nope, we were not smart enough to back it up, so ALL of our pictures for the last 8 years are gone. Gone until we come up with the $500 needed to get them off. Oy! It's always something!

- It's almost the holiday! I CANNOT wait. I am debating whether to go see Santa next weekend or not. In two and a half weeks I will have FOUR straight days off from work. YES!!!!

Frostie Trouble

Everytime I get the bill for my frostie's storage, the worry begins. It's silly, I know that, but when you're pumping money into something that you could be saving or using elsewhere, it's just hard not to let my mind wander into the what ifs.

I spent years dreaming, hoping and wishing for a family. I spent nights crying thinking it probably wouldn't happen. Now that it has, my heart is full. They mean everything to me and my world revolves around them. My hurt is so full, I don't think I have room for anything more. All the moments that are not spent enjoying my babies now are spent imagining our future together and I just don't dream of another child.

So why keep the frostie?

1. It's mine. I had three embryos and two are Ocean and Ever. That means the third could be another beautiful little monkey.

2. It's really our only chance at another child if I change my mind.

Why shouldn't I keep the frostie?

1. I'm content and happy. Hubby said we should think about using the frostie next year and I know for sure that I am not ready to have a baby next year. No way.

2. The babies are expensive and another baby would be more expensive.

3. It's a hail mary. I would have to really want to do it because only a truly crazy person could go through a fertility treatment just because. So . . . I would have to truly want another baby but also be okay if it fails. I don't think that's possible. We can't afford more IVF, the frostie is it for us. It's too scary for me to handle.

4. I got through this ordeal relatively unscathed. I never had a loss and we only did IVF once. I have two healthy babies. Could that happen again or would I be asking for something terrible? Pregnancy after infertility, especially a high risk multiple pregnancy, is terrifying. The first 6 weeks of having a baby is terrifying and exhausting. My birth experience sucked and part of me would love a redo, but when I really think about that, I would like to travel in my time machine back to redo Ocean and Ever's birth, not a new baby.

5. Babies aren't babies for long and I think it is tempting to be like "I need some more baby years." No matter how many kids you have, someday they grow up. I had the priviledge of being a foster parent to three teenagers. Three babies might be cute, but three teenagers are NOT cute. That's just reality.

6. I don't want to go back to those depressing failure days. That's not fair to Ocean and Ever.

7. I think we can just keep paying for it until I decide. But what if I spend thousands of dollars on this frostie and it doesn't even thaw? What if it gets lost? I can't handle it. That stresses me out to the point that I feel like I should decide today.

I think the thing is that I want to protect this happiness. I don't want to change anything just yet.

Even though the negatives outweigh the positives, I'm not ready to let go. Why? I have never been a person that really thought of an embryo as a baby, but seeing an embryo on a TV screen that you worked hard to create and then seeing it as a baby in real life (times two) can change your mind. I just can't do it yet . . . .

OF COURSE I will not leave you without photos.

Oh, they are just heavenly!!

Sickos

This has been a long week. We have been very fortunate to make it for almost 7 and a half months with no sickness, even though we take the babies everywhere and I am a major sanitizing slacker.

The time has come. I have had two very sick little babies. It started last Saturday night with Ocean. He cried quite a bit through the night and I was up most of the night with him. He seemed okay in the day. Sunday wasn't quite so bad and Monday night was an absolute nightmare. I was up with him from 11:00 p.m. until 5:30 a.m. After trying to comfort my baby for 6 and a half hours to no avail, I went downstairs crying as well. My mom took him. Ever woke up and she had one eye swollen and wonky with snot dripping down her face. She was completely lethargic.

My mom called around noon and said that we really needed to take them to the doctor. Trying to comfort your babies for days is just so sad. I could do nothing for them. They kept looking at me to do something for them but I couldn't. It was awful.

Ever was so lethargic and terrible looking that we figured she would be the worse off. Nope. My Oshy boy had a 102 degree fever, a little heat rash and an ear infection. Ever was at 99, which is pretty normal for a baby but she had a sinus infection. After that we've been living off of antibiotics and Tylenol (vitamin T).

I took a picture of Ever. Prepare your eyes to view on very sick Peanut . . . . .

I thought snot might taste a little better with a side of french fries.

Now that it's Sunday, they are still snotty but feeling much better. It is no fun to have sick babies. For one, I felt worthless to help them and that sucks. For two, holding them down to suck snot out of their noses while they scream bloody murder is awful. They were already sick and then I had to go and torture them! And lastly, I am super EXHAUSTED!!

I feel for the babies, but I'm not going to lie, I feel sorry for myself too. I got one night of sleep in 6 days and I worked every single day. I became so tired I wasn't able to sleep because I spent so much time keeping myself awake. It sucked big ones. I was waiting for the night hubby came home so that I could sleep in the guest bed and he could spend the night caring for them since he spent all week snoozing it up in a hotel.

Hubby came home sick. He went to bed. I got no relief. Friday night as I was up rocking my boy from 11:45 until 2:30 while hubby was downstairs sleeping like a baby, I felt the overwhelming urge to go and kick him. But I didn't. Domestic violence is so not cool. Neither is sleep deprivation.

So I brought Oshy downstairs to sick hubby and said "I NEED SLEEP!" and went up and slept for 5 hours. 5 beautiful hours.

Now it's Sunday and we are all feeling better. Phew. Maybe I will take up heavy sanitizing.

Dirty Mouth? Clean It Up!

Big things are happening around my house, which we will get to later, and they have made me start thinking I need to get a little more mom-like.

Have you noticed I've been cursing less? I still drop an h-bomb every now and then, but as I told my mother as a child, "what, they say it in church?" (karma again) I also say the sh-word on occasion, but they are limited. At least quite a bit more limited than they used to be.

I have to do this because I work with kids and it is ever so shocking to hear a dirty word out of a sweet little mouth. With my current vocabulary, we are going to be screwed in that department. When you are playing letter bingo with a three year old and you tell them that it is not the right letter with that sound and they say "well shit" two things happen:

1. I try not to laugh my bottom off.
2. I think to myself that obviously this sweet child's parents don't watch their mouth at home or monitor their TV watching.

I am going to be the parent on the receiving end of #2 for sure.

Now for the big stuff going on. The babies are standing up!! I did not see Oshy doing it with my own eyes, but Ever did it last night while sitting on my lap. I. CANNOT. BELIEVE. THEY. ARE. GROWING. UP. SO. FAST. Everyone says "oh, the time goes by so fast!" and I listen but don't process it and now I have processed it and I can't take it! I tried to take a photo but then it almost ended in a disaster which I will not say or else CPS will be knocking at my door. Naughty.

So, since they are only 7 months, 1 week, and 3 days old and are already standing up I figure they will be talking in no time and their first word should not be fuck.

Oops, I said it.

4 Straight Days

**Welcome ICLW**
I am posting this early as a warning for those who need it: this blog is HEAVY on the baby talk and pictures. You may want to skip if that is currently hard for you. If not, this blog began over a year ago with this first post and is now primarily about life with our twins after thirty cycles of trying to conceive, eight months of Clomid, three IUI's with injectible meds, countless blood tests, antidepressants, therapy, adoption paperwork, five foster kids and finally one successful IVF!

I am thankful for many things this Thanksgiving, but one thing I will say I am super thankful for is the fact that I had four days off. I have been counting down to my four straight days with my monkeys for awhile.

Four straight days of just regular old life. We weren't going anywhere, just hanging out here and I could not wait! I could be like a stay at home mom for a weekend.

Well . . . I have had SO much fun.

I am also tired. Really tired. Tired as hell.

My mom currently takes care of the monkeys and I realized that I really need to give her a medal. I should actually give her a lot more money, like all of my money, but then I couldn't pay bills so she is going to have to make do with a medal and a big blogosphere shout out of THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! This is hard. Oh yeah.

But it's fun and I love it! We have snuggled in the morning and played all day. We went to a Thanksgiving celebration, we have been shopping, we went to hubby's moms house, I baked things, we went to hubby's sister's house, and we have had snuggle mania like no tomorrow. Unfortunately, tomorrow is coming. It's my last day of 24/7 snuggles.

Of course there has been drama. Poor Oshy is a miserable Oshy who is cutting teeth. Ever has been a drama queen who needs mommy snuggles ALL. THE. TIME. Would you like to know the upside of that? She did what I have been waiting for since they were born! She . . . .

REACHED HER ARMS OUT SO THAT I WOULD HOLD HER!! YES!!

I don't know why, but I have been waiting for the arms being outreached to me. I know they are happy to see me at the end of the day, but I have been wanting this and I was so excited about it.

As it is now the holiday season, I have been a sappy mess. Infertiles and holidays do not mix at all. Last holiday I was happy, but still scared. Now I am happy. I put up the tree and it brought tears to my eyes. I am just so freakin' excited to have the monkeys this season. Their first Christmas jammies have been purchased as well as a Christmas Eve outfit and a Christmas day outfit. It doesn't seem true. I feel like it's unhealthy that reality hasn't seemed to hit me full force yet. Is this really happening to me? My dreams really did come true? Weird!

The other thing I did was clean. I am not a cleaner. I hate cleaning. The phrases "I should really clean the house" and "yeah right, cleaning sucks" blend together so quickly in my thought processes that it doesn't really happen often. I took my wedding ring off to clean. And then lost it.

You heard right. I lost my ring. I LOVE my ring. Hubby picked it out and surprised me with it on a vacation in San Diego. It's beautiful. It means a lot to me. I cried and cried. I totally freaked out. I went to pick up babies from their grandma's and called my mommy to complain about this terrible tragedy. Hubby beeped in to let me know that he found it in the cabinet above the stove?

Crisis averted! I won't be doing that again. Cleaning I mean. I totally blame the cleaning.

It's been a fun four days. I am thankful for them. Now the countdown will be on until Christmas break . . . .

I almost forgot. We had a big milestone this weekend. The babies took their first bath in the big tub!



These two traveled all over the tub trying to keep hold of the duckies and enjoying their freedom.



Ever is a hoarder. I'm serious. She has to hoard everything. Even rubber duckies.

Mom Friends

I don't think we will have WTF Wednesday this week. I'm missing all my shows! I'll have to get back on the ball soon, but I have also been getting up at the butt crack of dawn to be to work by 7:00 a.m. so TV doesn't sound quite so appealing. Stacy also told me that I am going to have an aneurysm soon watching it, and I agree.

On to the point of this post . . . . .

I can't decide if I need to find mom friends. I've been unsuccessful so far. Here are my list of reasons:

1. The usual culprit, infertility. People don't usually enjoy watching someone's eyes roll so far back into their head they look like they have been overcome by Satan and someone should call a priest when they say things like "if my husband looks at me around 4:00 p.m. on a Saturday I am suddenly pregnant" or "I really hope our 12th child will be a boy, if not, we'll just keep on having babies!" No thanks.

2. I work, therefore playdates after a noon nap or a mommy and me workout at 10:00 a.m. on a Wednesday morning doesn't fit with my schedule. I also don't like the sad puppy eyed look I get from the other moms when I tell them I work everyday, full time. I have to.

3. My attention span is far too short to listen to the extremely overly thought out schedule of Super Mom's baby. In my house, we eat when we cry and we sleep when we're tired. We do have a general bed time, but that's about it. Thanks for making me feel like a loser Super Mom.

4. I don't read parenting books or follow special methods of parenting. When I am asked "what do you think about Weissbluth's method and what he said (is Weissbluth a chick or a dude?) on page 245, line 17?"

Me: "Uh, I don't know. What did you think of the NeNe calling Kim a dirty little wig wearing monkey on Real Housewives last week?"

Crickets chirping . . . . .

5. How. many. times. must. we. discuss. what. your. child. eats. and. how. often. ??? Of course breastfeeding must be discussed.

"I'm breastfeeding for at least year, it's such a wonderful experience."

Me: "Really? I'm so glad you're enjoying yourself. I don't use my breasts for feeding anyone currently, but sometimes I use them to get a cheap deal on my car service at Jiffy Lube."

Crickets chirping (or jaws dropping) . . . .

I also don't make my own baby food. I tried. It looked gross. I'm also too lazy to do that on a regular basis.

6. I don't need to talk about how awesome my babies are to people. I can say this or that, but not for very long periods of time. Why? I assume when you look at them that you automatically know that they are exceptionally attractive, advanced, and funny. I shouldn't have to explain that. Just like I shouldn't have to continuosly be asked to spell Ever's name for people. I'm pretty sure that's a sight word that everyone should know by the time they graduate Kindergarten.

I know I'm a smart mouth and I know that I'm not an expert on parenting things and perhaps just winging it is a poor choice, but there has to be something that I could bring to the table! There have to be some moms who would like to have a playdate on the weekend right? There are some other moms out there just like me right? Anyone? Bueller?

I know that someday I'm going to find my mom friend soulmate. She's out there. I think I would like to have mom friends. I think it would be so awesome to call someone and say "hey, lets go out to lunch and take our babies, but let's only talk about them part of the time and talk about other stuff too." Am I asking too much? I also have to find someone who can do that while I allow my seven month olds to suck on french fries and not have to worry about someone calling Child Protective Services. Now, I'm not saying I have to be mom friends with someone who is just like me, just someone who could refrain from making me feel like a loser for using the Ashley Method. I like hearing about other styles of doing things because we use all different tips around here, I just don't want to feel like I suck.

What do you think?

Next order of business . . . let's place some bets!

On Saturday, we purchased 408 diapers and 46 jars of baby food. How long do you think it will be before our stash is out?

Proof that children do survive on the Ashley Method:

Really?

**Welcome ICLW**

I am posting this early as a warning for those who need it: this blog is HEAVY on the baby talk and pictures. You may want to skip if that is currently hard for you. If not, this blog began over a year ago with this first post and is now primarily about life with our twins after thirty cycles of trying to conceive, eight months of Clomid, three IUI's with injectible meds, countless blood tests, antidepressants, therapy, adoption paperwork, five foster kids and finally one successful IVF!

There really isn't much to watch on the tube during weekends so I usually watch something totally random or reruns.

We rented our first movies since the birth of the munchkins. We watched "Get Him to the Greek" and "Splice." "Get Him to the Greek" was pretty funny in an obviously senseless way and my new motto in life is now "when life hands you a jeffrey rub a furry wall." "Splice" was so extremely disturbing I feel like calling my therapist right now. DON'T watch it, ever. Shudder . . . . .

Sunday I was desperately combing through the channels looking for something to distract me from my grouchy monkeys when I saw the title "8 Boys Want a Girl." In all my TV watching, I had never seen this before and I was intrigued. I started watching it and quickly became appalled.

It was on the Discovery Health Channel and was about the quest of three women who had tons of healthy children that happened to have weenies and were extremely desperate for a girl child.

Really? REALLY? I don't often feel bitterness like I used to, but I was one Bitter Betty last night. Just like watching "16 and Pregnant" while doing treatments even though I knew it was a poor choice, I got sucked in and watched.

Two couples were trying natural methods of creating girls. One was pregnant with her fifth child and they went in for the ultrasound. She was so nervous because she just had to have that little girl. It was a boy. She cried and hugged her husband as if she had just been told the baby had some fatal illness. I wanted to bitch slap her SO badly. Her boys are beautiful and she made them all by having sex with her husband, for free, which is something that baffles me and I can't comprehend it. She said she doesn't know how to live with it. It became apparent that her hubby was really ready to bitch slap her as well. He called her a "nightmare." Can't blame him.

I love modern medicine. I love IVF. I think IVF is super awesome and if it were a person I would have posters of it on my ceiling so I could look at it with dreamy eyes all night, that is how much I love IVF. BUT . . . I think sometimes it is used in a wrong way. Yeah, I said it. I 100% disagree with it being used for gender selection. Preventing deadly and life altering diseases is an amazing thing through PGD. Picking and choosing private parts, not so much.

One woman wanted girls so badly but she had 5 boys. In the UK, you cannot use PGD for gender selection (thank you) so she had to travel out of the country. After a few tries she was pregnant with twin girls and her life is now complete. She even said that she would not marry her partner unless he "gave" her a girl baby. They showed her shopping with her girls, taking pictures with her girls and raving about how they are everything she ever wanted. Then they showed her boys playing video games. I felt so sorry for them.

They showed one American woman. She had three healthy boys. She was doing her last attempt at PGD to get a girl. After going through IVF, I just can't understand how someone could pay all that money and go through the emotions and the physical demands of the procedure just to have a certain sex of baby. I just. don't. get. it. I understand gender disappointment, I really do. Maybe a little, "oh, I always dreamed of a son/daughter" or having your mother's intuition proved wrong or shedding a few tears. But being unable to live with it? I don't get that. The RE came in and told them that they had one healthy girl and a few remaining embryos. They said to discard the embryos. My mouth dropped open. I am a fairly liberal person, pro-choice and what have you, but again I. JUST. DON'T. GET. IT. I know people who would love those embryos!! They would love a healthy baby no matter what the sex! Why waste something that took so much care to create?

AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Okay, I just had to get that off my chest. I may not even turn the tube on tonight after two nights in a row of being disturbed. I know I'm lucky to have one of each, but it's hard to grasp having your life "ruined" and to be fearful of being eternally depressed when you have healthy beautiful children, especially being an infertility survivor.

Here's my Osh, who I love despite his weenie . . .

Here's my peanut, who I love dearly, and not just because I can buy her pink shit . . . .