In a Funk

I am in a major funk right now.

I think that 90% of it is due to sleep deprivation.

Really though . . . . I feel like I am doing a million things okay (or really sucky) and not one thing really well.

I feel like I am drowning at work because I am SO tired. It's like the hamster wheel, I move and move and get nowhere.

The babies have been sick consistently since daycare began, especially my Ocean. Ocean even has pneumonia right now! Watching my sweet boy get a chest x-ray was sad. He was crying and looking at me so I was waving and saying "it's okay baby boy" and the x-ray tech was like "no, no waving, stop that" and then I slapped her. No, I didn't. But I wanted to. I'm not giving my babies enough and the guilt is sucking me up.

Hubby and I are not having good times together. Partially because he is annoying and partially because I hold grudges that I need to let go of. I don't want to live here. I don't want to work. That is up to him because he would have to pay all the bills or move far away and he doesn't want to so it makes me so angry with him that I can't enjoy the good moments like I should.

I'm chubby. I start a diet and lose weight but then I am over it in seconds. You only live once, you should eat lots of ice cream and Chik-Fil-A right? Wrong! But I do that. I used to love working out, but now I prefer babies, sleep or mindless activities (no offense blogging and Secret Life of the American Teenager).

My house is a disaster area. It's sick. I don't have the will to clean it. I don't want to. I work all day when I want to be with my babies, then I spend time with babies and then they go to bed. I could clean, but I do things that I want to do instead.

I realized yesterday through yet another tear filled haze that I just think life isn't fair sometimes. That mentality is getting me NOWHERE! Instead of being sad or angry or jealous or exasperated I need to attempt to do something about this (besides buy lottery tickets, deduct applicable taxes, see how much of my theoretical lottery winnings are left, go imaginary home shopping and think of the places I will be vacaying at since I will no longer be working. Mmm hmm).

Things I am going to do ASAP:

1. Realistically consider how I can make work and/or not working work out better than it is now.

2. I emailed my mother in law in desperation to see if she could watch the munchkins for a few hours this weekend so that I could deep clean my house and then set up a schedule to clean a little tiny bit each day so that it doesn't pile up into a gigantic filthy shithole again.

3. I need to refill my spiritual tank. I know just the place to go this Sunday to give me perspective and help me out.

4. I'm going to do something nice for myself. Maybe a pedi? I don't know, but I am going to do something for myself and I WILL NOT feel guilty.

5. My iPod is charging and I am about to head up to the elliptical machine to get in some cardio.

I'm hoping all these things will be a good start to changing my attitude so that I can enjoy the things I do have, instead of being sad/angry/jealous/guilt ridden about the things I do not have because this is draining my soul and wasting my time.

I don't have new pictures for you. I know, that is a sure sign of serious mental illness for me but hopefully this weekend will bring new things. How 'bout some oldies? I thought it would be fun after I tearfully gathered Ocean's newborn sized clothes (so tiny) for a friend with a new foster baby coming.

Tiny little baboos. Do you remember them being this tiny? I barely do. I made the monks a book for their first year and they love looking at it, especially Ocean. When he brings it to me I say "do you want to read the baby Ocean book?" and he gets so excited! Also, these are hospital gowns. I did not bring a single pair of pjs for them! HORRIFYING! If you are pregnant, don't forget jammies. Ugh, idiot.

Do you remember when I looked like a hot mess like this? Oh yeah, I still look like that, even when I go to work. I guess the just-had-major-surgery-birth-and-near-death-blood-vomitting-plus-no-make up look never wore off. Sad.

Hahahahaha!!! I didn't know that this was a peek into the future. One sweet munchkin, one wild woman. Can you believe that those are 4 week old babies and their newborn onesies were a little too big still? Stop it!!

I Got Mom War'd

The monkeys and I were playing at the park together when up walks a woman and her cute daughter.

Woman: "Oh look at the babies, they look to be your brother's age."

I knew this was the beginning of a conversation which made me want to roll my eyes because as much as I try, I don't care about random strangers and their kids habits or ages. I know. I'm mean.

But I ignored it.

We kept playing.

Woman: "How old are they?"

Me: "They are 14 months how old is yours?"

Woman: "Oh they are twins?"

We are starting to get this a lot because of the size difference that is happening between Ocean and Ever people no longer assume they are twins.

Me: "Yep."

Woman: "I have a son and he is only 14 months younger than my daughter."

Me: "Wow." Please lets don't do this, I just want to play with my babies . . . .

Woman: "I think I had it a lot harder than you did because yours are the same age and mine were at different stages but still both babies, so it was harder than having twins."

Hold the phone. Did she seriously just say that?

Things that I could say and went through my mind:

"Really? How would you know that? And really, why is that important?"

"If you had time to have sex when your daughter was only 4 or 5 months old then clearly you don't know the meaning of 'hard'."

"If you thought it was a good idea to have kids that close together, you get what you get."

"I'm sure your children feel wonderful with the fact that you approach random strangers in public to tell them how hard your life is. Maybe you should just be thankful that you can have two kids."

I have commented on and observed mom wars. I have laughed at funny spoofs of them. But I don't get involved. It's not necessary to me. So this is what I really said:

"I'm sure that was tough. The first 6 months were really brutal for us but now we are really enjoying it and having such a great time."

She walked away. Weirdo. Part of me really wanted to give it to her for trying to argue with me about who has it harder, which I thought was so bizarre and unnecessary. But part of me felt like she must be having a really hard time if she would say those things and I don't want to show my children that arguing with strangers over something so juvenile is appropriate. Being a mom is so weird sometimes.

This boy loves throwing rocks. By the way, Ocean was playing with handcuffs that belong to my cop brother. I know you're relieved to hear that. Between panties in the playroom and handcuffs I'm sure you were frightened a little.

She looks so sweet here. She is my girl, but she's not sweet. She is naughty with a capital N.

10 Things Not To Say To Working or SAHMs

I stumbled upon these in Redbook and thought they were interesting. I had many thoughts while reading these (my super awesome thoughts are bold).

10 Things Never to Say to a Working Mom (according to mom-101.com):

1. It must be hard missing all those special moments everyday. - While rude, this doesn't bother me. In my mind, all the special moments happen when mommy is around.

2. I suppose it's smart that you're working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day. - This may sound odd, but thatis actually one thing that I put on the positives list on being a working mom. I'm sick like that.

3. I'm surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful. - Who would say that? Successful husbands aren't a bad thing either.

4. It's cute when they call your nanny "Mama." - I wish I could afford a nanny! Take that one as a compliment.

5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day. - Only a serious bitch would say this to someone. If your friends says this to you, she's not your friend. RUDE!!

6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care? -Did you see the Casey Anthony trial? Not all moms should be left alone with their children either.

7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that's just me! -Taking care of someone's children and raising them are different things in my opinion. Mark this in the seriously rude bitch category.

8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else's mom. - Therapy is very necessary for the person who says this

9. You must feel so guilty. - I do feel guilty. It's just the truth.

10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go. -I wish I could blame being a working mom on my shitty housework habits but they've always been there. I don't understand how this is that bad. Anyone with eyes can tell that I "let the housework go."

10 Things Never to Say to A Stay-at-home Mom (according to thelaughingstork.com):

1. When the kids are older, do you think you'll get a real job? -Throwing in the word "real" is super under the table rude, but I have to admit I kind of think that's a legit question out of curiousity.

2. How June Cleaver of you! - How did this make #2? If this really offends someone it's time for the big girl panties.

3. Oh, so you don't work? -I'm guilty of this one too. When I ask someone if they work, I mean are they employed. I'm not saying taking care of kids isn't hard or isn't work in the literal sense, but being an SAHM is not being employed and I think that's what people mean by that.

4. Since you have extra time on your hands, could you whip up a few dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow? - This goes in the rude bitch category. If someone says this to you as a stay at home mom, don't take it girl!

5. All day with your kids? I can't even imagine. - I'm going to defend this one too and think it's the not so tactful way of saying that people think you have a hard job as a stay at home mom.

6. I'm jealous. I wish my husband were rich so I wouldn't have to work either. - I have DEFINITELY told stay at home mom's I'm jealous of them. I've never said the rich part but I have thought it. Not to be rude, but due to simple math. If one person can afford a mortgage, gas, car insurance, utilities, food, health insurance, clothing, doctor's visits, extracurricular activities, clothes, etc all by themselves they make bank. Or they don't have student loans, which is kind of equal to being rich. If they do have student loans and can still afford this, CHA-CHING!!

7. What do you do all day, anyway? - Only a person who has no kids, whether they stay at home or work, would say this. I seriously don't know how a mom could say this to another mom.

8. I'm sure you're not the only one who's ever wasted money on a college degree. -Rude! I don't understand the logic behind this. So, if a woman plans on being a mom ever they shouldn't go to college? Weird. I don't get it.

9. That explains why your son is so clingy! -This is a complete urban legend. My kids are super clingy when I get home every night and they don't stay at home. I think as parents we really want to believe that our choices are what makes our children, but I think a good percentage of how a kid turns out is the kid.

10. Weird. I assumed your house would be super clean. - My response would be the same as #10 above. My house ain't clean now, and it wouldn't be if I were at home all day! Kids are so messy!

My angel baby wearing handcuffs. He looks so adorable and he loved playing with them! I will say a little prayer tonight that this will be the only time I see him in handcuffs, for realz!!

Oh My . . . .

This is my daughter.

Not only does she look a little crazy, but she is wearing my panties as a scarf.

Please keep in mind that she is abnormally small which is why the panties look so large.

Just kidding, I have a big ass which is really why the panties look so large. They are large.

I'm not going to tell you why there are panties in the guest room/play room (I don't want to make anyone jealous).

I'm definitely not going to tell you if those panties are clean or dirty.

I'm just going to tell you that I am in love with this crazy girl. It might be a little disturbing that when I see my girl smiling her evil grin while wearing panties as a scarf I know in my soul that she is meant to be mine and it makes me love her even more. But it's true.

Back to the Real World

Tomorrow I will be going back to the real world. Hubby and I to work and the munchkins to daycare. It's going to be tough after . . . . . . .

Pool days

a day at the beach

Meeting new friends!

This is Jill and her twinkies from 2 B's in a Pod! It was so awesome to meet them in real life!

Note to self: It is now time for a boob job

Cupcakes

Spraygrounds

Cherry Italian Ice

The monkey's love shaved ice!

A super awesome date with hubby that involved many adventures: rafting, paddle boarding, climbing and zip lining.

Paddle boarding: Not just for celebrities, for hubby and me too.

And most importantly, family time!

Can you guess who was being more cooperative for family photos?

I really wish I lived closer to my family, but it as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And also, it's awesome when your family lives in a cooler place than you do so there are many fun things to do (does anyone say that?)!

After two days with us, two and a half days with great grandma, and five and a half straight days with mommy, daddy, grandma, grampa and aunts and uncles, daycare should be interesting tomorrow . . . .