I think that 90% of it is due to sleep deprivation.
Really though . . . . I feel like I am doing a million things okay (or really sucky) and not one thing really well.
I feel like I am drowning at work because I am SO tired. It's like the hamster wheel, I move and move and get nowhere.
The babies have been sick consistently since daycare began, especially my Ocean. Ocean even has pneumonia right now! Watching my sweet boy get a chest x-ray was sad. He was crying and looking at me so I was waving and saying "it's okay baby boy" and the x-ray tech was like "no, no waving, stop that" and then I slapped her. No, I didn't. But I wanted to. I'm not giving my babies enough and the guilt is sucking me up.
Hubby and I are not having good times together. Partially because he is annoying and partially because I hold grudges that I need to let go of. I don't want to live here. I don't want to work. That is up to him because he would have to pay all the bills or move far away and he doesn't want to so it makes me so angry with him that I can't enjoy the good moments like I should.
I'm chubby. I start a diet and lose weight but then I am over it in seconds. You only live once, you should eat lots of ice cream and Chik-Fil-A right? Wrong! But I do that. I used to love working out, but now I prefer babies, sleep or mindless activities (no offense blogging and Secret Life of the American Teenager).
My house is a disaster area. It's sick. I don't have the will to clean it. I don't want to. I work all day when I want to be with my babies, then I spend time with babies and then they go to bed. I could clean, but I do things that I want to do instead.
I realized yesterday through yet another tear filled haze that I just think life isn't fair sometimes. That mentality is getting me NOWHERE! Instead of being sad or angry or jealous or exasperated I need to attempt to do something about this (besides buy lottery tickets, deduct applicable taxes, see how much of my theoretical lottery winnings are left, go imaginary home shopping and think of the places I will be vacaying at since I will no longer be working. Mmm hmm).
Things I am going to do ASAP:
1. Realistically consider how I can make work and/or not working work out better than it is now.
2. I emailed my mother in law in desperation to see if she could watch the munchkins for a few hours this weekend so that I could deep clean my house and then set up a schedule to clean a little tiny bit each day so that it doesn't pile up into a gigantic filthy shithole again.
3. I need to refill my spiritual tank. I know just the place to go this Sunday to give me perspective and help me out.
4. I'm going to do something nice for myself. Maybe a pedi? I don't know, but I am going to do something for myself and I WILL NOT feel guilty.
5. My iPod is charging and I am about to head up to the elliptical machine to get in some cardio.
I'm hoping all these things will be a good start to changing my attitude so that I can enjoy the things I do have, instead of being sad/angry/jealous/guilt ridden about the things I do not have because this is draining my soul and wasting my time.
I don't have new pictures for you. I know, that is a sure sign of serious mental illness for me but hopefully this weekend will bring new things. How 'bout some oldies? I thought it would be fun after I tearfully gathered Ocean's newborn sized clothes (so tiny) for a friend with a new foster baby coming.
Tiny little baboos. Do you remember them being this tiny? I barely do. I made the monks a book for their first year and they love looking at it, especially Ocean. When he brings it to me I say "do you want to read the baby Ocean book?" and he gets so excited! Also, these are hospital gowns. I did not bring a single pair of pjs for them! HORRIFYING! If you are pregnant, don't forget jammies. Ugh, idiot.
Do you remember when I looked like a hot mess like this? Oh yeah, I still look like that, even when I go to work. I guess the just-had-major-surgery-birth-and-near-death-blood-vomitting-plus-no-make up look never wore off. Sad.
Hahahahaha!!! I didn't know that this was a peek into the future. One sweet munchkin, one wild woman. Can you believe that those are 4 week old babies and their newborn onesies were a little too big still? Stop it!!
:( Sorry you're having a rough couple of days (weeks?)! Just sending hugs your way. We all go through it, but it doesn't seem that way when you're struggling. I contemplate everyday how I can quit my job, but it'll never happen and we're in so damn deep with our house, there's no way to sell it. AAAh! Anyway, I feel your pain. Here's hoping a pedi is just what you need to help out a bit. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great plan. It gets so tough sometimes, but you just have to pick yourself up and take charge. As for the cleaning, I feel your pain. Getting it to the point of being able to do a little each day is so much better than having a lot to do at once.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are in a rough patch - I'm in one myself. It's great that you recognize that you have the power to, at the very least, change your attitude about the things you can't change to make your life better. I struggle with this all the time. Hope it gets better for you. I'm here to talk if you ever need to vent.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry he is still sick!! You will come through this day-care-germ phase. Try to look at it as building some immunity now. If he stayed home until kindergarten, you would go thorugh this then. He'll get used to those germs. When he changes schools, you'll have new germs and more sickness, but not as bad.
ReplyDeleteLove love love the flashback photos!!!!
I think you're putting yourself onto a great path - and the first thing to change is your outlook! I wrote a post the other day about adding a little sugar to the lemonade we make with the lemons life gives us.. I was feeling in quite a funk too.
ReplyDeleteI'm generally over it, but it still lingers on and off.
I'm sorry your babies are sick, and im e-slapping the shit out of that nurse right now for being so insensitive!