Getting Attached

I have had a lot of issues getting attached to this pregnancy. It doesn't seem like reality. A few weeks ago we were at a playland and Peanut got stuck on the long, fast, bumpy slide and wanted me to come help her. I kicked off my shoes, ran up the slide, and went bumping down. Hubby ran over and said "what are you thinking? Are you serious? What are you doing? Do not do that again!" I literally forget this is happening on a regular basis and just go about my business.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I felt so pregnant. Puking. Stretching. Dizzy. That stuff comes and goes. I don't feel pregnant, just tired. I know this comes with any second pregnancy. I am busy with the twins and I just don't concentrate on it. I feel so guilty, because I took belly pictures every single week and documented everything. I realized last week I had taken no belly pics. I have bought not one single thing for this baby when I had purchased things for the twins for sure by this point.

Honestly, if I had been pregnant from a fertility treatment I think it would be different. This feels like a joke. Even though we were hoping this would happen at some point, I didn't really think that it would happen. I keep thinking any minute the Universe will say "really, REALLY? You thought you would get something easy? I don't think so, silly head!" and then BAM! I will be issued some sort of punishment to teach me a big lesson. My friends have said that it's okay, I deserve, I earned it, the Universe owed me. How? I don't think that's true and I feel like joy will=punishment. I don't know what kind.

I went to my beta's expecting the worst. They just kept coming in fine. When my progesterone was pretty low, I thought here it is, miscarriage time. I almost passed out before our first ultrasound thinking that God only knew what things we would find. Just one healthy little fetus, heart beating away. My next fear was the NT scan. Between ultrasound and bloodwork our chances of having any trisomies are 1 in 10,000. Relief. Last week I had a blood test to check our risks of neural tube defects. Everything looked great. Another hurdle crossed. August 9th is our big ultrasound to check anatomy.

I told myself if I ever got pregnant again I would enjoy every minute. It's so hard though to not think of all the "what ifs." Hubby is trying to help me out and he has been talking to the baby. Bad mommy alert - sometimes I drink caffeine on purpose and I can feel baby go crazy and it's such a relief. I can't shake the fear that I will be punished for my good fortune, but I'm trying not to think like that. I cannot wait until that anatomy scan. Three weeks from today. Passing the halfway mark and seeing a tiny body full of healthy organs is going to be huge!

Hubby was encouraging me to take a belly pic so I did! I don't have much of one. This was taken at 16w4d. This little guy or gal has a lot of twin skin to fill up so it could be awhile before we get anything sizeable, but I felt better by doing it, like I was finally giving this fetus some attention!

(Please excuse my frizz ball hair. I hadn't done it yet, but Hubby was about to leave and I was looking decent for once because I was headed out on a girls night to see Magic Mike. Yummo.)

Mom?!

I know that lots and lots of mommy's love their kids so much it's overwhelming. I am not one of those people that think I love my kids more just because of infertility. But I will admit I think there is something different. With everything in life, if you want something and you get it right away or easily, it just isn't as sweet. Like my Corolla. It was the first car I bought on my own and when it was paid off and not the bank's car it was my car and it felt so lovely. Or when I graduated college. It sucks balls to go to school for five years and work and have finals and papers, but then you walk down the hill and start sending out resumes and all that work felt so good to end in an accomplishment. Or walking down the aisle to marry Hubby after our relationship culminated for four years knowing that I knew him so well. There's just something that feels good about getting to where you want to go after time and effort and not just one day because you feel like that.

Hearing my monkey's call me "mommy" for the first time is one of those things. Like I said, I know this is special for all mommy's, but for a mommy who went through hell and time to get there and who spent so many nights (and mornings and afternoons) crying into my pillow thinking that I would not ever be a mommy, hearing those words is just extra sweet. Everytime I hear it I smile. I love, love, LOVE it.

Well . . . . Mr. Osh man started calling me "mom" three weeks ago instead. The first time I was like "what the hell?!?!?" I'm not mom! I am mommy! Mom is for pre-teens who are whining to "mom" that they don't want to pick up their laundry before they play 9 hours of video games. It isn't for precious, baby faced boys to say when they are only two years old! I'm not ready! I AM NOT READY FOR MOM!

I tried to tell him to call me mommy, but he just continues with mom. I am a short person and Hubby is tall. The result of that is a little boy who is now half the size of his 28 year old adult mama. I pick him up sometimes and he tells me "Oshy too heavy."And it's true. My 6 lb. baby boy is getting too heavy for me to carry him around like I always do. I love to carry him and smell him and snuggle him just like when he was new. He tells me all the time "no, Oshy do it" and then I don't help him.

It took so long to get to mommy, and in such a short time I have already become mom. So I'm going to do it. I am going to say the whiney thing mom's have been saying for ages. IT GOES BY WAY TOO FAST. Way, way, way too fast.

Tear. Good thing Peanut is a little runt that still calls me mommy.

50 Shades of Pathetic

I read the 50 Shades of Grey series. This is not a post that is about to say how awful and dirty it is or how terrible it is easy to have kinky fantasies about other men than your husband or that Jesus would hate this book. But it did make me wonder about a few things . . . .

Why did I read this book? I had finished a different book and logged into my iPad store to see what was on the top sellers list. 50 Shades was one, two, and three. I read the Hunger Games so was intrigued by another popular trilogy. I had no idea what it was really about. I was with Hubby on the couch reading while he was watching something and yelled out "holy God, this is porn!" I kept on reading because I don't really have a problem with porn.

I continued to read it because:

1. I had already started and wanted to see what the big deal was. This book is a fun, easy read. I read all three in less than two weeks, even with twins and a full time job. It's not heavy, a 14 year old could figure this stuff out. Fun and easy is a perfect combo sometimes.

2. Porn has it's perks. I maximized my time by reading this while doing cardio on my elliptical machine. I am one of this weirdos that gets runners high, so the good combo of all that sweat and adrenaline from my cardio session combined with a hot chick porn read lead to great things (Hubby and my 4 month cooked Greybie agree). What's not to like about that?

But this is where I experience confusion . . . . .

When I log in on Pinterest or Facebook and see all the pins and posts about how much women LOVE Christian Grey, all I can think to myself is "what the f$&@ is wrong with you?"

If you are ever on a date with someone and it is concluded by them showing you a room where he likes to beat on people while he has sex with them while under a contract in which he tells you what to wear, what to eat, who you can talk to and puts you on an excercise regimen of his liking, you should not come back for more. You should run. Or call the police. Or call Dr. Phil. Or even call an exorcist. Someone who solicits random strangers who look like their mother that didn't take care of him and died in front him for these sexual, dominating pleasures is probably only a few steps up on the crazy meter from the dude who puts pleasantly plump people in their basement and then uses their skin to dance around the living room in. NOT HEALTHY.

So what is it? Is it the money? Because that is just pathetic if it is.

Is it some deep, biological urge by women to be dominated and owned by men? I know I am personally not comfortable with that, but that doesn't mean everyone is. Maybe we have some primal urge to experience that.

I also know a lot of women are fixers. They like the danger of the bad boy, but want to fix him eventually. Nurture him into the man they want him to be. In real life, these ladies usually get stuck eternally fixing and that seems terrible. I like my people already fixed. I'm not the work in progress type. I think people can grow and learn, but I am skeptical of the ability to truly change a person.

Let's be real. In real life, 10 years down the road, she would be reading his cell phone texts and discover that he is out spanking and boning some othe dark headed, Mommy doppleganger chick and a big, scandalous court battle would ensue. Fantasies are nice, but the writing is all over the wall on this one.

Someone please explain this to me, I'm beginning to be very concerned . . .

Source: Uploaded by user via Mary on Pinterest

Guess the Sex!

We have decided we will not be finding out the sex of this baby before birth. This is going to be very, extremely, unbelievably difficult for me, BUT I promised Hubby that is we ever had a third child we could have it be a surprise and it's very important to him. I honestly told him this because I didn't think we would actually ever have a third child, but a promise is a promise.

We have our big ultrasound to make sure baby's vital organs are looking good. I am so nervous for that because we have not had many ultrasounds because this is just a regular, average, run of the mill pregnancy so I have no idea what's going on in there.

Because we don't get a view of the goods then, I have resorted to trying every single old wives tale I could find to see if that would help.

A heartrate over 140 indicates a girl: After the very early ultrasounds, baby's HR has always been between 160-180. GIRL

Chinese gender chart: I have no idea how this works, I just plugged info to a website and it said GIRL

Ring test: Dangle your wedding ring on a chain over your baby belly and if it goes in a cirle it's a boy and side to side is a girl (I have actually read conflicting information on this, but I'm going with the first one that I googled). Mine clearly went in a circle so BOY

Pee test: If your pee is bright yellow first thing in the morning you are having a boy, if it's dull it's a girl. My pee said BOY

Mayan number test: You add your age plus the year of conception. Even numbers say girl, odds are boys. GIRL

Beauty test: They say that girls will steal your beauty and boys will make you glow. I have bags under my eyes and pimples popping up all over so I will ahve to say GIRL

Skull theory: If your fetus' skull looks perfectly round, it is a girl, if it looks a little flat in the back it is a boy. My last ultrasound says BOY

Ramzi theory: If your gestational sac is found on the right side in the beginning, you will have a boy, if it implanted on the left side it's a girl. GIRL

Chunky monkey theory: Boys carry in your thighs and girls carry in your butt. My booty is packing some serious heat, so I say GIRL

Naming: If you can easily come up with a name for a sex, it's what you are having. We have a girls name we are confident on but coming up with a boy name has been pure hell. Hubby doesn't like what I love, but he doesn't really love anything and I don't like his suggestions. It sucks. GIRL

Gut feeling: Some people say "mothers just know." I can't play this one because I really don't. I have no idea. Hubby swears up and down it's a girl, but he's not the mother so he doesn't count. I don't know!

Boy votes: 3
Girl votes: 7

In the old wives gender challenge girl wins by a landslide. I only have a cool 24 weeks to wait left (BLECH!!!!!!!). Confession time? Yes! At our NT scan I looked as hard as I could for clues and I really think I saw a little weenie, but I probably didn't, but I tried. Eeek!

Care to take a guess? Do any psychics read my blog? Help me out!

My little miss is preparing for her big sissy duties.

Mom Stuff

There are so many things to consider when parenting that it's completely overwhelming. Thanks to the Internet I feel like there is so much info spread around and followed that it is crazy. I do research things related to munchkins, but I don't obsess or follow any particular method. I just made choices!

Immunizations - we do immunize. We chose not to get the Hep B vaccine right at birth because I didn't want them brought into the world and then hit with a man made vaccine right off the bat. I made sure to check with our doctors office to be sure that any vaccine given did not have preservatives in them, particularly thimerosal. They don't, so we got all other vaccines on schedule with the exception of the MMR, which we did a year past the recommended age.

Co sleeping - I have slept in the same bed as my children on many occasions, but it is on an as needed basis. I believe that my bed is for Hubby and I to share and I would like to keep it that way. I don't buy the lines about co sleeping leading to better bonding in any way, shape or form. I want them to be okay sleeping alone and have the ability to sleep at night without my constant comfort. In the event I haer the words "mommy" being cried out in the night, a munchkin ends up in my bed and we are cool with that.

Crying it out - I don't do it. Part of it is because I'm a wuss. Part of it is because I am 28 and I rarely make it through the night without needing to pee, drink water, roll over for some Hubby snuggles and, on occasion, eat something. I don't expect differently from my kids. little nuggets bodies are changing so fast I don't think trying to stick to a universal sleep plan is optimal.

Circumcision - We did choose to circ my Osh man. Hubby and everyone else we know is circumcised so we just did it. Can I confess something? This is the only decision I have made so far that I think I regret. We haven't had any issues, but the more I thought about it the more I feel it might not have been the best choice. Whenever I see baby girls with their ears pierced, it grosses my out. I do not understand why anyone does that or why they would modify their little baby's body without her consent. Then I realized that I did the same thing to my son and I feel weird about it. If we have another son, I have no idea what I will do. I think it would be strange to have a daddy and brother with circumcision and be different, but I'm not sure I could make the same choice now.

Working or staying at home - I don't really have a choice in the matter, unfortunately. I think I would like to stay home if I could, for awhile anyway. I don't think that could ever be my permanent lifestyle, but a little more time would be nice while I have littles. I'm trying to win the lottery, so . . . . All jokes aside, I really don't think one way or the other has a major lifelong impact on kids so this is more just a personal preference.

This is not intended to tell you what to do or make you think what I do is best. I don't know anything. We have just been winging it and this is what has worked for us. As a nosy knob, I always want to ask these things but don't, so I thought I'd willingly offer it up!



This is me. I don't often post pics of myself and as you can see I also don't often wear make up. I'm too lazy for that!



My love bug, smooching on me!

Road Trip Awesomeness

Last Wednesday we packed up our favorite books, toys, stamps, stickers and movies and embarked on a road trip. I was scared to death because we would be doing 26 hours worth of driving in 6 days with two two year olds.



Well . . . . .

My monkey's were awesome! They were completely happy to watch 7 hours a day of movies on the long drive days and occasionally read a book or put stickers all over their body.



We then arrived at our final destination: My ten year high school reunion.

My ten year reunion was weird as hell. First, I graduated with almost 500 people and about 40 came. Most of the 40 came from out of town while the hundreds of people who lived right in town did not come. Weird. It was intensely awkward too. I really didn't care that much what became of these people so I had to fake a lot of interest. I was so glad I went because I was dying to see my two best friends of all time, but really, weird. We decided next time we get together we would definitely not be doing it for a school reunion.

I did go from the midwest to New Mexico and I greatly enjoyed some good burritos. Not tex mex burritos at a chain restaurant, but delicious, tasty, amazing burritos. Yummo. New Mexico is a different kind of place. At least different from any other place I lived which has included Oklahoma, Texas, California, Florida, Ohio, Kansas and good old New Mexico.


Lovely mantel decor, not typical of the midwest, but typical of New Mexico! I love it!

The monkey's liked New Mexico too, but mostly because there was a pool at their hotel and they got to be spoiled with attention between myself, my mom and my aunt, not to mention all the people they met that oohed and aahed over their cuteness. They were so sweet and well mannered. I definitley pretended that they are like that all the time and I am Mom of the Year.





It's good to know that my kids are road trip compatible. This opens a whole new door of possibilites for us.

You may have noticed my lack of blogging. Well . . . blogger wants me to download Google Chrome on my PC but my PC won't let me so that means I have to blog from my iPad always. Chicken pecking blog posts is super tedious and annoying. Blogging at work is a big no, so I have to wait to blog when I have lots of patience, which is rare. Very rare.