Marriage Saving and Butt Shrinking Tactics

People who know us would not really know that we are having marriage issues, but I always do my best to not embarass myself in front of others by having fights in public. I say do my best because sometimes I can't help it. But it's just not a pretty place these days. We also don't have fights in the house because the twins are here and we don't want them to be a part of that crap so we just sit around festering.

I am a NAGGER. I nag and nag and nag. I'm trying not to do that because I would get annoyed with it too, but it's just so darn hard because the fact that hubby isn't a mind reader (or a fast learner for that matter) is just so dang annoying! I tried this week to stop myself everytime I thought about nagging. Here is how it goes:

Hubby: Doing something annoying and seemingly lacking in common sense

Me: Getting ready to bite his head off, but wait, wait self. Do you really want to do this self? Is it worth it? Will you get results or just an eye roll?

Hubby: Patiently waiting to see what is going to happen

Me: I don't nag, I say okay and we work it out.

It worked pretty well but today is Friday and my patience has been used up for the week so nagging has commenced. I think I did pretty well the rest of the week so we have progress.

Some hard chats may have sunk in though because hubby has agreed that it is possible for me to work part time. This is a big deal. There are moms out there who can do it all, have twins, work full time, take good care of their bodies, cook, clean and still have energy. I'm not one of them. That's just reality. Working part time could have a very good positive effect on my household.

I'm having loads of trouble getting into shape. I have no motivation, but self esteem is at an all time low and it's having a very negative effect on just about every aspect of my life. I used to be the workout queen and never thought I'd be here, but I truly just can't find it in me to make myself take care of my body.

Although it is probably counterproductive, I do enjoy a beer. So . . . I may not enjoy a cold one (Bud Light Lime baby) until I work out. I have worked out two nights in a row, because trust me people, I REALLY need that beer. I work out, shower, get ready for bed, and then have my beloved beer-y poo.

I feel like I'm in such a strange position. I am currently enjoying the babies more than ever. They are so precious and hilarious. They light up my life, truly. I could just bask in the glow of Ocean and Ever. At the same time, everything else in my life is not going well. Is it greedy to want to have two perfect amazing children (check) AND job satisfaction, decent self esteem, and a relationship that is enjoyable(uncheck all words past AND)? I feel like it has been one or the other. The very greatest, most amazing feelings accompanied by some very crappy feelings.

A friend suggested that I might be depressed, that I seem depressed to her. Maybe time for drugs again? I don't know about that. I want to fix it myself. Each morning I tell myself to change my attitude. Just think differently. It only takes a few hours before I am unable to. I'm starting with working out and trying not to nag so much, but I'm just not patient.

Names

A young lady I work with was telling me about her family member named Raleigh.

Me: "That's super cute. It's a city in North Carolina by the way."

Young lady: "Yeah, I think that's where she was conceived."

Me: "Really?"

Young lady: "I think so."

Me: "In that case Ocean and Ever would be named Blankity Blank Regional Medical Center."

Young lady: "Gross! You conceived them there?"

Me: "Yeah, in a petri dish."

Young lady: "Oh yeah, I forgot about that!"

Ha ha! Even though it's too bad they weren't conceived somewhere with a cool name, or for free the old fashioned way, it is cool to be able to joke about it now. Aaaahhh, feels nice.

P.S. You are going to be seeing these pics for awhile, there are a lot of them.

P.P.S. I took the pics and made the bow and tutu. I'm not as worthless as you might think. Just because I don't cook or workout or clean doesn't mean I can't do anything!

P.P.P.S. I have special love in my heart for people who drop f bombs in the comment section. I'm serious. I love it (you know who you are).

Sunday Random Sunday

1. My babies just turned 15 months old on Friday. It's going so fast I can't believe it! Ever can say so many words it's crazy. Unfortunately one of them is boobies but still, I'm proud. Ocean is finally feeling better and man is he adorable. Can't get enough of these two goofballs these days . . .

2. I am by far the worst eater ever. I eat like total dog poo. I want to stop but I just can't! I'm going to try to cook this week. I always plan to cook but then the morning happens and then the work day happens and then I'm too tired. I felt so good a month ago when I cleansed and ate cleaner and I totally ruined it.

3. Michele Bachmann. What an idiot. If you are a long time reader you know how I feel about gay rights so obviously this woman is going to rub me the wrong way (if you are not a long time reader then I believe that gay people deserve all the same rights as the rest of us have, I know, weird right? People having equal rights in America in the year 2011?). I would love to see a really stand up, well educated bad ass woman president. Wouldn't that be awesome? It doesn't appear to be a possibility currently. I cannot believe that anyone would be okay with someone who refers to gay people as barbarians!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???

4. Hubby and I are having marital issues. Serious ones. It's hard. But in an effort to help things (again) I agreed to go see Harry Potter with him. It wasn't terrible, but I wish we could have seen Horrible Bosses or something like that. The new agreeable me though is going to bend on somethings and be supportive of hubby's enjoyments. Also, he and the children were upstairs for a long time and they came down and he had painted Ever's toe nails. Seriously, how can you not like a guy that will paint his one year olds toe nails?

5. Would you like to know how lazy I am? The thank you cards from the twins one year birthday are sitting right here on the desk, all written out and ready to go. They have been for month. I just haven't gone to the post office. Naughty.

6. My new addiction: McDonald's coffee. I love the Caramel Frappe and the way I roll is to go between 2-5 for happy hour so I get a medium Caramel Frappe AND . . . you also get a free Redbox movie. For $1.97 with tax a treat and movie?? It's a poor mama's dream (you just have to find a time when it's quiet and you are not so tired that you can actually stay awake for said movie).

7. This must be about the time that normal, fully functioning reproductive women have their 2nd child because I feel like I am getting asked a lot if we are going to do this again. The answer is no, but in other reproductive news I probably have endometriosis. PCOS and endometriosis. Sounds like fun. Not.

I should be cleaning my house right now, but instead I will show you pictures of my muffins . . .

Nanny Quest 2011

I have mostly decided on going with a nanny. I just think it is what is best for our family at this time and we can re-evaluate the need for daycare/preschool at age 3. I did say mostly though, so I am giving myself until Friday to decide.

I have only interviewed two so far and I like them both and it's hard to choose. BUT-I received so many responses from our ad that it is unbelievable. I had an amazingly easy time narrowing it down though.

1. People who used text speak (what r ur babies namz?)-DELETE!!

2. People who can't spell - DELETE!!

3. People who automatically only ask about the money - DELETE!!

4. The person who responded like this - "I have experience with children because I have two. But are your babies well behaved? Kids are so crazy and bad these days and I just can't handle it because parents have no boundaries." - DELETE!! And pick my jaw up off the floor.

5. People who overshare and tell me that they like yoga and they aren't a drunk they just like to have a beer with their friends every now and then - DELETE!!

I narrowed it down to three to interview and a few on the backburner. It's kind of scary! Ever liked both of them, but Ocean just likes Mommy and Daddy. Can't blame him, we are the best. I feel like a tool big time in the interviews. I don't know what to ask, which is embarassing considering I interview people to work with children for a living. It's just different when it's your own kids (and most interview questions are so lame "what would your supervisor say about you?" "Name three strengths you have" "where do you see yourself in five years?"blah blah blah).

Who know what will happen? I'm kind of just trying to make it through to the next day these days, by Friday everything could be different. Hopefully because I won the lottery.

Blog Reading Before Vs. After

When I was in the throes of IF, I would read blogs like crazy.

Thankfully, many of those bloggers are preggo/have adopted/had babies etc so now a lot of the blogs I follow are parenting blogs.

This has created a bit of a conundrum. Why? Because frankly, some people's parenting is just plain crazy in my opinion. I'm sure there are people who read this blog and are horrified by my parenting so I do understand that it's okay. I never leave nasty comments and have certainly never jumped on the anonymous rude comment bandwagon so I could come back at another time.

I'm not talking crazy as in dangerous and I should call social services, but crazy as in weird and I don't get it. There are many things in life that I can just say "to each there own" but there are some things that I just find straight loco.

It's hard because even though I don't really "know" my fellow bloggers, I needed their support and it was so cathartic to give support in return during the hell that is infertility. So how could I just delete them from my blogroll when I needed them before? But I had to. I recently just deleted a few because they were just too crazy to a point that was bothering me and I don't want to be bothered by strangers weird parenting. I have other stuff to do. I only deleted a few but it felt so wrong and dirty.

You see, I am a first time mom, technically. Really, though, I am a five time foster mom and someone with 11 years of experience working with kids so I just don't have the same issues many of my first time mom friends seem to have and sometimes that anal shit is just plain hard to watch. I have my moments, but it's not my consistent style of parenting, if you will.

Perhaps I am doing everything wrong. I don't know. I'm not saying this crazy anal parenting crunchy granola business is wrong, I just don't like it. The sad fact of parenthood is that their kids will probably turn out exactly like mine because I believe that a good chunk of personality is organic personality, not necessarily influenced by "methods" and things. Habits of course are usually learned, but not core personality. It's sad because we think everything we do is going to create who our kids are, but I don't believe we are really that powerful. I think we have a lot to do, but not as much as we hope.

It's really bizarre sometimes, the blog world. You know so much about people you just don't know. So I did some housekeeping.

P.S. If you are reading this and your blog is on my list even though you haven't updated in months, that means I miss you. Please come back to me. I need to read your business.

Sweetest face on the planet

Saturday Morning Scene

This is my first morning linking up to Loves of Life for Saturday Morning Scene!

This morning we are watching Yo Gabba Gabba! in lawn chairs in the living room. Without pants.

We're white trash.

We are also giving the doggy some lovin.'

Today hubby and I are going to be cleaning like there is no tomorrow. Our house is a garbage pit so it's time anyway, but he is also having surgery on Tuesday so I just want everything in order as I will be doing things all on my own for awhile after that! Wish me luck!

Nanny or Daycare?

My decision making skills suck big balls.

Ocean is still sick. He has not been to daycare since last Wednesday. We went to the doctor again today and he still has pneumonia in both of his lungs.

I was thinking (in reality I was crying and freaking out) that I can't deal with this. I knew that they would get sick going to daycare, but for the love of Pete, Ocean has PNEUMONIA and this is his 4th round of antibiotics. I have asked everyone under the sun for their opinion and it is a 50/50 split. The pediatrician today said that if we keep him in he will eventually have a really great immune system and if we wait until he is three to put the monkey's back into a daycare setting they will get sick then too. The only difference is that when he is three is the tubes in his face (don't know the technical terms for them) will be larger so he may not have as many issues with everything pooling together and getting infections. This is my boo bear last night.

This morning he had as much snot coming out of his eyes as his nose! It was horrifying! The pedi said it's because there is no more room for him to drain into his nose and chest so it's coming out of his eyes. Science fiction style.

Something else happened the other night. I went to pick the babies up from daycare last week and Ocean was sitting on the floor and his arms were up because he wanted to be held. He was crying and crying. In my rational mind I know he is not the only kid and there is no way one person can hold all the kids when they need it or if they are doing something. Even I can't do that. But in my mommy mind, I was pissed. I don't want my sweet guy crying for attention like that, it broke my heart. Then he got pneumonia. Then he stayed with my grandma and despite being sick he has been so much less whiney because he is getting the attention that he needs this week.

So I thought of a new genius plan: A NANNY.

I have searched around the area and asked people and what we would pay a nanny would be very slightly less than what we pay the daycare. We would then need to buy food so that will be extra and I would also have to keep the house clean so that the nanny doesn't call social services on me but it would be worth it I think. We can put off the death of horror daycare sickness for a few more years and my babies could get attention. They could go do fun things with the nanny. They could meet daddy for lunch once a week (on that thought I better get an ugly nanny) and they could visit me at work. I would not have to get them ready in the morning and shove them in the car. This is beneficial to me AND the babies.

What do you think? Should I deal with daycare or go for the nanny?

Here is Ever with the dang panties again. Should I be worried? I'm not.

We are currently obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba! Even I am obsessed. It's a really good show. I just feel like a dork walking around singing "i like grapes, i. like. grapes" all day. Embarassing.

In a Funk

I am in a major funk right now.

I think that 90% of it is due to sleep deprivation.

Really though . . . . I feel like I am doing a million things okay (or really sucky) and not one thing really well.

I feel like I am drowning at work because I am SO tired. It's like the hamster wheel, I move and move and get nowhere.

The babies have been sick consistently since daycare began, especially my Ocean. Ocean even has pneumonia right now! Watching my sweet boy get a chest x-ray was sad. He was crying and looking at me so I was waving and saying "it's okay baby boy" and the x-ray tech was like "no, no waving, stop that" and then I slapped her. No, I didn't. But I wanted to. I'm not giving my babies enough and the guilt is sucking me up.

Hubby and I are not having good times together. Partially because he is annoying and partially because I hold grudges that I need to let go of. I don't want to live here. I don't want to work. That is up to him because he would have to pay all the bills or move far away and he doesn't want to so it makes me so angry with him that I can't enjoy the good moments like I should.

I'm chubby. I start a diet and lose weight but then I am over it in seconds. You only live once, you should eat lots of ice cream and Chik-Fil-A right? Wrong! But I do that. I used to love working out, but now I prefer babies, sleep or mindless activities (no offense blogging and Secret Life of the American Teenager).

My house is a disaster area. It's sick. I don't have the will to clean it. I don't want to. I work all day when I want to be with my babies, then I spend time with babies and then they go to bed. I could clean, but I do things that I want to do instead.

I realized yesterday through yet another tear filled haze that I just think life isn't fair sometimes. That mentality is getting me NOWHERE! Instead of being sad or angry or jealous or exasperated I need to attempt to do something about this (besides buy lottery tickets, deduct applicable taxes, see how much of my theoretical lottery winnings are left, go imaginary home shopping and think of the places I will be vacaying at since I will no longer be working. Mmm hmm).

Things I am going to do ASAP:

1. Realistically consider how I can make work and/or not working work out better than it is now.

2. I emailed my mother in law in desperation to see if she could watch the munchkins for a few hours this weekend so that I could deep clean my house and then set up a schedule to clean a little tiny bit each day so that it doesn't pile up into a gigantic filthy shithole again.

3. I need to refill my spiritual tank. I know just the place to go this Sunday to give me perspective and help me out.

4. I'm going to do something nice for myself. Maybe a pedi? I don't know, but I am going to do something for myself and I WILL NOT feel guilty.

5. My iPod is charging and I am about to head up to the elliptical machine to get in some cardio.

I'm hoping all these things will be a good start to changing my attitude so that I can enjoy the things I do have, instead of being sad/angry/jealous/guilt ridden about the things I do not have because this is draining my soul and wasting my time.

I don't have new pictures for you. I know, that is a sure sign of serious mental illness for me but hopefully this weekend will bring new things. How 'bout some oldies? I thought it would be fun after I tearfully gathered Ocean's newborn sized clothes (so tiny) for a friend with a new foster baby coming.

Tiny little baboos. Do you remember them being this tiny? I barely do. I made the monks a book for their first year and they love looking at it, especially Ocean. When he brings it to me I say "do you want to read the baby Ocean book?" and he gets so excited! Also, these are hospital gowns. I did not bring a single pair of pjs for them! HORRIFYING! If you are pregnant, don't forget jammies. Ugh, idiot.

Do you remember when I looked like a hot mess like this? Oh yeah, I still look like that, even when I go to work. I guess the just-had-major-surgery-birth-and-near-death-blood-vomitting-plus-no-make up look never wore off. Sad.

Hahahahaha!!! I didn't know that this was a peek into the future. One sweet munchkin, one wild woman. Can you believe that those are 4 week old babies and their newborn onesies were a little too big still? Stop it!!

I Got Mom War'd

The monkeys and I were playing at the park together when up walks a woman and her cute daughter.

Woman: "Oh look at the babies, they look to be your brother's age."

I knew this was the beginning of a conversation which made me want to roll my eyes because as much as I try, I don't care about random strangers and their kids habits or ages. I know. I'm mean.

But I ignored it.

We kept playing.

Woman: "How old are they?"

Me: "They are 14 months how old is yours?"

Woman: "Oh they are twins?"

We are starting to get this a lot because of the size difference that is happening between Ocean and Ever people no longer assume they are twins.

Me: "Yep."

Woman: "I have a son and he is only 14 months younger than my daughter."

Me: "Wow." Please lets don't do this, I just want to play with my babies . . . .

Woman: "I think I had it a lot harder than you did because yours are the same age and mine were at different stages but still both babies, so it was harder than having twins."

Hold the phone. Did she seriously just say that?

Things that I could say and went through my mind:

"Really? How would you know that? And really, why is that important?"

"If you had time to have sex when your daughter was only 4 or 5 months old then clearly you don't know the meaning of 'hard'."

"If you thought it was a good idea to have kids that close together, you get what you get."

"I'm sure your children feel wonderful with the fact that you approach random strangers in public to tell them how hard your life is. Maybe you should just be thankful that you can have two kids."

I have commented on and observed mom wars. I have laughed at funny spoofs of them. But I don't get involved. It's not necessary to me. So this is what I really said:

"I'm sure that was tough. The first 6 months were really brutal for us but now we are really enjoying it and having such a great time."

She walked away. Weirdo. Part of me really wanted to give it to her for trying to argue with me about who has it harder, which I thought was so bizarre and unnecessary. But part of me felt like she must be having a really hard time if she would say those things and I don't want to show my children that arguing with strangers over something so juvenile is appropriate. Being a mom is so weird sometimes.

This boy loves throwing rocks. By the way, Ocean was playing with handcuffs that belong to my cop brother. I know you're relieved to hear that. Between panties in the playroom and handcuffs I'm sure you were frightened a little.

She looks so sweet here. She is my girl, but she's not sweet. She is naughty with a capital N.

10 Things Not To Say To Working or SAHMs

I stumbled upon these in Redbook and thought they were interesting. I had many thoughts while reading these (my super awesome thoughts are bold).

10 Things Never to Say to a Working Mom (according to mom-101.com):

1. It must be hard missing all those special moments everyday. - While rude, this doesn't bother me. In my mind, all the special moments happen when mommy is around.

2. I suppose it's smart that you're working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day. - This may sound odd, but thatis actually one thing that I put on the positives list on being a working mom. I'm sick like that.

3. I'm surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful. - Who would say that? Successful husbands aren't a bad thing either.

4. It's cute when they call your nanny "Mama." - I wish I could afford a nanny! Take that one as a compliment.

5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day. - Only a serious bitch would say this to someone. If your friends says this to you, she's not your friend. RUDE!!

6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care? -Did you see the Casey Anthony trial? Not all moms should be left alone with their children either.

7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that's just me! -Taking care of someone's children and raising them are different things in my opinion. Mark this in the seriously rude bitch category.

8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else's mom. - Therapy is very necessary for the person who says this

9. You must feel so guilty. - I do feel guilty. It's just the truth.

10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go. -I wish I could blame being a working mom on my shitty housework habits but they've always been there. I don't understand how this is that bad. Anyone with eyes can tell that I "let the housework go."

10 Things Never to Say to A Stay-at-home Mom (according to thelaughingstork.com):

1. When the kids are older, do you think you'll get a real job? -Throwing in the word "real" is super under the table rude, but I have to admit I kind of think that's a legit question out of curiousity.

2. How June Cleaver of you! - How did this make #2? If this really offends someone it's time for the big girl panties.

3. Oh, so you don't work? -I'm guilty of this one too. When I ask someone if they work, I mean are they employed. I'm not saying taking care of kids isn't hard or isn't work in the literal sense, but being an SAHM is not being employed and I think that's what people mean by that.

4. Since you have extra time on your hands, could you whip up a few dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow? - This goes in the rude bitch category. If someone says this to you as a stay at home mom, don't take it girl!

5. All day with your kids? I can't even imagine. - I'm going to defend this one too and think it's the not so tactful way of saying that people think you have a hard job as a stay at home mom.

6. I'm jealous. I wish my husband were rich so I wouldn't have to work either. - I have DEFINITELY told stay at home mom's I'm jealous of them. I've never said the rich part but I have thought it. Not to be rude, but due to simple math. If one person can afford a mortgage, gas, car insurance, utilities, food, health insurance, clothing, doctor's visits, extracurricular activities, clothes, etc all by themselves they make bank. Or they don't have student loans, which is kind of equal to being rich. If they do have student loans and can still afford this, CHA-CHING!!

7. What do you do all day, anyway? - Only a person who has no kids, whether they stay at home or work, would say this. I seriously don't know how a mom could say this to another mom.

8. I'm sure you're not the only one who's ever wasted money on a college degree. -Rude! I don't understand the logic behind this. So, if a woman plans on being a mom ever they shouldn't go to college? Weird. I don't get it.

9. That explains why your son is so clingy! -This is a complete urban legend. My kids are super clingy when I get home every night and they don't stay at home. I think as parents we really want to believe that our choices are what makes our children, but I think a good percentage of how a kid turns out is the kid.

10. Weird. I assumed your house would be super clean. - My response would be the same as #10 above. My house ain't clean now, and it wouldn't be if I were at home all day! Kids are so messy!

My angel baby wearing handcuffs. He looks so adorable and he loved playing with them! I will say a little prayer tonight that this will be the only time I see him in handcuffs, for realz!!

Oh My . . . .

This is my daughter.

Not only does she look a little crazy, but she is wearing my panties as a scarf.

Please keep in mind that she is abnormally small which is why the panties look so large.

Just kidding, I have a big ass which is really why the panties look so large. They are large.

I'm not going to tell you why there are panties in the guest room/play room (I don't want to make anyone jealous).

I'm definitely not going to tell you if those panties are clean or dirty.

I'm just going to tell you that I am in love with this crazy girl. It might be a little disturbing that when I see my girl smiling her evil grin while wearing panties as a scarf I know in my soul that she is meant to be mine and it makes me love her even more. But it's true.

Back to the Real World

Tomorrow I will be going back to the real world. Hubby and I to work and the munchkins to daycare. It's going to be tough after . . . . . . .

Pool days

a day at the beach

Meeting new friends!

This is Jill and her twinkies from 2 B's in a Pod! It was so awesome to meet them in real life!

Note to self: It is now time for a boob job

Cupcakes

Spraygrounds

Cherry Italian Ice

The monkey's love shaved ice!

A super awesome date with hubby that involved many adventures: rafting, paddle boarding, climbing and zip lining.

Paddle boarding: Not just for celebrities, for hubby and me too.

And most importantly, family time!

Can you guess who was being more cooperative for family photos?

I really wish I lived closer to my family, but it as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And also, it's awesome when your family lives in a cooler place than you do so there are many fun things to do (does anyone say that?)!

After two days with us, two and a half days with great grandma, and five and a half straight days with mommy, daddy, grandma, grampa and aunts and uncles, daycare should be interesting tomorrow . . . .