Don't get me wrong, I will NEVER forget how I felt going through that. I can say with all honesty that I, on several occasions, had no will to live. I didn't want to vacation or workout or go anywhere because the one and only thing I have wanted to do since I was a little child pretending my youngest brother was my babydoll was be a mom and I just didn't know if it would happen. The whole foundation for my entire being was wiped out. I had no idea that I would have any trouble getting pregnant. I was not diagnosed with PCOS until after I got off birth control and I did not get on birth control until I was 19. I was a mere 23 years old when this whole ordeal began so it was just a slap in the face that I just couldn't handle.
To top it all off, I had no medical coverage for treatments whatsoever. Not a drop. My pregnancy tests at the fertility center were not even covered because I did them at a fertility center. It is messed up. I feel that it is complete and total bullshit that I have to pay into my insurance, which I work hard for, for people who have all types of self inflicted expensive illnesses based on poor life choices or that I have to pay for people who have 7, 8 or 9 children or even the money that comes out of my paycheck for people who don't even work to have money while people can't lift one of their stingy little fingers to help me pay to achieve my dreams of a family due to a medical issue that prevents that. Total bullshit I tell you.
BUT - I feel joy now and I am lucky. When I look back at the depression, the money spent, the needles and bruises, the a-hole doctors, the disappointment, the tears and the stressful medical procedures and then look at my two beautiful children, it seems like a small price to pay. I feel like I should have had to endure more for them, like I didn't even do enough. I know that probably means I need to see a therapist, but I am just so thankful for these two that it helps to blank out the pain a little bit.
It is not fair that people who really want children have to go through these things and some of them go through this and at the end come out empty handed and that is a terrible, terrible thing. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this and a more supportive community and better insurance coverage would help a lot.
I feel torn sometimes. I am proud of what we went through for our babies even though not everyone agrees with procedures like IVF. I don't mind telling people about it. I just don't want that to overshadow my babies. I don't want them to be "IVF babies." Some people just can't handle that. I want them to just be them. Adorable, hilarious, and of course advanced and amazing in every way. I want to help my fellow infertiles and will ALWAYS take an opportunity to help change things or just be there and at the same time I just want to live now. My life was on hold waiting for this to unfold and now I just want to immerse myself in the joy that is mommyhood.
In conclusion, it's National Infertility Awareness Week so be aware. Infertility is hard and your friends who have it need support. If your state is talking about fertility insurance coverage please take a moment to at least look into it. If you are currently struggling with this there is a possibility that you will someday resolve what you are going through now and you can enjoy being a mother. When you feel like you just can't take it anymore it is possible that you can and the life you dreamed of is waiting.
If you are a mother already by whatever means, don't forget how special that is.
I now have 2 kids who are older than it took me to make them! It was over 5 years of trying, testing, drugs, shots, procedures, failures, disappointments, surgery, losses. I spent those years of my life living in 2 week blocks between ultrasounds to check things midcycle, trying, procedures, and waiting only to face the ultimate disappointment. I even retired from my job as an infant caregiver (something I did for over 13 years) because caring for other womens' babies got to be more than I could handle.
ReplyDeleteBut, I look back over the past 10 years and realize that now that I am a mother, I am no different than any other mother. I don't love my kids more than someone who got knocked up on easily. Women who think 3 cycles was "forever" used to make me see red, but now, they are just other mothers at the park, the grocery store, the pediatricians office.
I do wish no one had to walk the longer path to motherhood. IF sucks and it does steal part of your soul with each cycle. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Thankfully, my soul has been replenished by my twins.
April is some kind of double whammy for me. Everyone has been posting Autism awareness and Infertility awareness stuff. I am not a copy & paste-er. You won't find my status reflecting either. I'm just a mother dealing with different hurdles than others deal with.
I have been following your blog for awhile from http://vincentchristinewyatt.blogspot.com. While I have been lucky enough to have my own kids I do agree with you and think it is crap that people who have trouble having kids have to go through all the expensive non covered treatments. I wish health insurance covered infertility cause kids are the most precious gft from God. You have two beautiful babies out of all the frustration though and that is awesome! Love reading your blog!
ReplyDeleteLOVE.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it crazy how getting pregnant/having a baby(ies) really does numb the pain? I've also had those really twisted feelings about everything having been worth it, but it's still hard to remember being in the trenches. So glad that you have your two monkeys in your arms this NIAW!
Yep, I did the facebook thing last year and got the same response. Oh well, I am like you, I have no reason to hide it. I am actually a chronic oversharer. But I feel better thinking maybe even one person in my list of friends read it and knew they were not alone in their feelings. Hopefully that happened because of your post too!
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