"Are You Crying Again?"

It began yesterday. I spent a night tossing and turning and experiencing intense cramps. I ran to the bathroom many times to see if the blood was here yet, because it usually comes several days before beta test. The blood didn't come yet. I went back to bed at about 8:15 a.m. and began crying. Not just tears running down, but sobbing, blubbering, trying to suck in air and all that jazz. With all this pain I can't picture this being a success. I cried and cried, thinking that I believed I had finally done enough. When will it be enough? Then I tried to calm myself, thinking maybe I have done enough and this will be a success after all.

GQ heard me crying from all the way downstairs. I thought he was still sleeping, and even if not, I figured there was no way he could hear. But he did.

Hubby came up with Little Bub to check on me and I started crying again. Little Bub's lower lip poked out and he reached for me to hold him, or maybe he was trying to hold me. GQ yelled up the stairs "are you crying again?"

"No!" I yelled back.

"I can hear you!" he said. I felt terrible. I decided to take some Extra Strength Tylenol because maybe if I couldn't feel the cramps, I could pretend they weren't there. We got ready to go and went to Target for groceries. It took quite awhile, we had a lot of stuff to get. I unloaded everything, it got bagged, and I was ready to pay, go and enjoy the rest of my day.

I left my wallet on the dining room table. OF COURSE! I tried to pay by check but didn't have my driver's license. I made it to the car before completely losing my shit again. I went home and when hubby got back to be with the boys I slept for 3 hours. We ended up having a nice evening eating with a family member. We brought home Stinky T, my 5 year old cousin, to go to the zoo with us and spend the night. The Corolla gets a little crowded with three carseats in it.

We had a nice day at the zoo. My cramps were intense at one point in the night and I have been feeling the urge to vomit all day. Just walking at the zoo made me feel like I had been running for miles. We had to skip the Australia loop because I couldn't take it anymore. It was nice to get moving and get fresh air though.

I go in and out of feeling hopeless and hopeful. I want this so bad. Tuesday will be the best or worst day I've had in a long time. I wouldn't even think that this wasn't going to work until earlier in the week when my cramping started. Just contemplating the possiblity of this being a failure is enough to push me over the edge.

Two more days and life could be completely different.

Thinking PUPO

PUPO= Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

I'm trying, really trying to keep positive. It is very hard because the cramping continues. The good thing is I have slept like a rock for the last two nights which I haven't done in a long time. The other good thing is that another IVF survivor in "real life" kindly came to chat with me at work yesterday. She told me she had cramps so bad she knew it didn't work. Cramps and bleeding. But she was pregnant. It was so nice to hear that from someone else who has been through it. Hubby continues to talk to the embies and kiss them everyday.

I got myself a gift to hold onto this week, and even for awhile, because if it works, I know for IFers pregnancy is one paranoid test after the other, and if it doesn't work, I will need it to hope that my one little babysicle they were able to freeze will stick with an FET. I got it on Etsy, the greatest website ever!

http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction.php?transaction_id=18722437

So, I'm pregnant with twins! I'm pregnant with twins! (okay, that didn't help, I'll have to work on that until Tuesday, when the big news comes in)

I have a busy weekend planned with my foster babies! I'm very excited. I will post non-face showing pictures of our fabulous weekend. I met their birthmom and the boyfriend. It was terrible. I hate the way the babies act after they have to be subjected to that, it breaks my heart. Operation "Get them locked up and throw away the key" has commenced! I have no idea why they are walking free in the world after what they've done. It's messed up. But while we have the babies all we can do is show them the love and life they deserve.

We put Little Bub in time out for the first time yesterday. While I was in the bathroom he took a drink from GQ's cup and then joyfully threw bits of milk all over the living room floor and the couch. Hubby put him in time out and he screamed and screamed. I hated it! I never knew I was such a wuss.

Let the Paranoia Begin

Goodbye hope! It was nice knowing you for this short time!

Starting yesterday morning around 4 a.m. I began cramping. And not a little cramping, definitely AF cramping. The IVF coordinator says not to worry, blah blah blah, cramping and bleeding is normal for pregnancy. Thanks a lot, cramping and bleeding is also normal for my fucking PERIOD! Other than not being able to sleep through the night and waking up so sweaty I have to get a hair tie, I feel like I always do when AF is coming. Normally my AF cramps start in my back a week in advance, but I'm not having back pain. See what I'm doing? I've partially convinced myself it's done and over and partially convinced myself I still have a chance. My horoscope said yesterday that my new found optimism is dwindling, but will be back soon. Yep, that's how nutty I am. I can't trust myself, so I need to trust the random generic horoscopes that pop up on the internet.

I told my hubby of my paranoia this morning, but he is used to it. I told him they're trying to escape!! He kissed my belly and told the babies to stay in there, it's a good home, they will get to eat lots of Oreos and Little Debbies. Mmmm, I do think an Oreo breakfast is what I need this morning.

And a valium.

Dear Embies

Dear Embies,

You are the two most beautiful and amazing things I've ever seen in my whole life. A combination of Mommy and Daddy that we have never seen before, and most people never get to. One of you even moved a little bit on the screen! We have waited so long and you have given us so much hope as we waited each day to hear how you were doing and you turned out nearly perfect. I charged up the camera the night before and it was even more important than my valium because I knew I would want to have this forever. While you were being put where you belong, Mommy and Daddy were holding hands and smiling. Grandma was there too! Every night that I went to bed before I met you, I thought of you and told you that I love you and can't wait to see you.

So many people have been thinking of you for the last 5 days. Now that you are safe with us we couldn't be happier. Daddy has already given you tons of whispers and kisses even though you haven't been "home" for even 24 hours. If you decide to burrow in and stay with us for the long haul, we promise it will be worth it. We already have so many dreams of watching you get bigger, feeling you, naming you, experiencing your personalities and having a great life with you. We love you and will be thinking about you and hoping that you decide to move in permanently!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

The Cutest Embies Ever

Here they are, a sight for sore eyes! We did take pictures of the embryos on the screen because I wanted them to keep me going for the next 8 days until the beta. I know it sounds strange, but at this point I wish the beta was a little further out because I am so happy and hopeful that I don't want it to end.

The transfer was very simple. I took a valium (love it!) and then we went down the hall to the transfer room. I got changed and the nurse sat and chatted with us about the procedure. I told her this is all the result of my bad karma. When I was a teenager and read about Dolly the cloned lamb in Life magazine, I was so thrilled. I knew by the time I had babies I could just grow it in a jar in the kitchen like a sea monkey and then pull it out when it was ready. Now here I am . . . shit. Everyone thought this was hilarious, but I really think I jinxed myself! Anyway, they showed us the two best expanded blast embies that they chose and we took pictures of each (see below). It was a really easy procedure all in all. Now I'm just laying here.

My mom decided to come into town to help! I am so excited for that. She got to be there for the whole thing. She did cry a little, but it was very special that she got to see. Hubby said he never thought my mom would watch us get pregnant!

I am going to try my best to stay hopeful over the next 8 days and NOT analyze every symptom in the book and think happy baby thoughts. :) I know that sounds lame, but what can you do?

Lucky Number 7?

After a painful wait of two hours later than yesterday, the embryologist called and said that all 8 of the embryos divided. There is one little guy that isn't looking so good, so more than likely we have 7 strong embryos at this point. 7 is lucky, so that's perfect right? Okay, I'm grasping at straws. I get so excited each day that we get closer. I am really hoping they all make it to Monday and that they are all Grade A perfect. Again, pulling at the straws. If all goes well (knocking vigorously on wood), I will be preggo on Monday at 11:00 a.m. after my transfer.

I am in a decent amount of pain today. I just took prenatals, Metformin, baby aspirin, another steroid, started a new course of antibiotics, downed a pain killer and am about to embark on the first PIO injection. The booty shot. I have been dreading this bad boy and begged to be put on Endometrin or Prometrium, but I was denied. I don't know how it could be worse than anything else though. GQ said that if I bit my fingers while I get a shot it will hurt worse and I won't think about it. I'm still astounded by his wisdom. If it wasn't for the morning cologne sniff I have to do before he goes to Kindergarten, I might have nick named him Ghandi.

Speaking of antibiotics, Little Bub was so sick last night we all went to the ER. It was so strange. Holding his little body that was hot with fever and his big blue eyes looking at me, like he was begging me to help him. But I couldn't do anything but sit there and wait for our name to be called. Even though everyone in the hospital knew I am foster mom, they all called me mom, which was music to my ears. When he was clinging on me when strangers were coming in to help him, I just wanted to protect him. I am hoping with all my hopes that this IVF will be what we needed to build our family, but this experience with these children has shown me that I will be satisfied with building our family through adoption as well.

2 fert reports down, 2 more to go before embryo transfer!

I will leave you with a quality piece of 18 month old art. His teacher just might have helped him, but probably not since he is amazing and perfect. :)

My First ICLW!

This is my first IComLeaveWe! I love reading everyone's blogs and am thankful to have found this community. I am 25 years old and have been actively TTC for 2 and 1/2 years. We have tried naturally, 8 months on Clomid, and 3 IUI's using injectibles. I am currently waiting on my 2 day fert report to see how my 8 growing embryos are doing after my first IVF. I am just taking this day by day and getting really excited over the small things. I am in a weird spot where I can't imagine that this won't work for us, but after 29 previous cycles that all resulted in BFN, I can't imagine it working either, so I am just trying to think for today. I'm about 40 minutes away from the embryologist call this morning and I can't wait!

My husband and I have been together for almost six years. We are a sick, nasty couple who is loving on each other all the time. We have dreamed of having babies together for awhile, but have had a ton of fun with each other in the meantime. I think I found such a wonderful husband because I came from a wonderful family. I am a daddy's and a papa's girl (grandpa) and I could only be with a man who can treat me as well as they have! My mom is my best friend and my grandma is one of my role models so they have made me look forward to being a mom myself forever. I have had overwhelming support in this crappy journey we've been on for too long from my family and friends. I also have two of the most adorable foster kids on the planet.

For your reading pleasure, here are my first few posts explaining why I do this:

Making Babies is Hard For Some of Us
Why Do You Care?
How Did I Get Here?

Thanks for dropping by! I will now resume staring at my cell phone for news on my embies!

8 Babies Growing!

Bright and early today I got the call that out of 20 of my eggs, only 11 were mature. Out of those 11, 8 fertilized. Even though it would have been kind of cool if 20 eggs fertilized, it is amazing to think that I have 8 embryos growing in the world! Out of the last 29 tries at getting pregnant, it has happened NEVER. It is a miracle to think of these 8 little guys existing.

My clinic will only do a 5 day transfer (sometimes you can do it in 3 days). My clinic has great success rates so I trust them in this decision. Although I would like more, I just need one of my little guys to make it until Monday! And then I really need it to burrow in for the long haul.

I got the first call, only 3 more to go!! Grow, embies, grow!

I Survived

Today was ER and it went really well. It helped that the morning consisted of a regular day of waking up kids, getting fed and dropping off at school. I got nervous on the ride down. Hubby said he wasn't nervous at all, but I did notice that his undershirt was on backwards, so I'm pretty sure he's full of shit. You may not know this, but in the surgery area of the hospital they now give you a pager that is the same as you get as Chili's. Except instead of hearing the buzz of joy because now you get to eat boneless buffalo wings, you get called to the back to strip down naked, put on a dead sexy gown, and sign 20 papers.

The best part of the day was that everyone helping me out thought I was a donor!! Yes, an egg donor. Apparently 25 is the youngest they've seen of an actual IVF patient. Not only 25, but in my glasses and no makeup I look no different than I did at 15, so maybe that was the kicker. I explained that these eggs are MINE to use for my babies. Because this was also shocking, I told them I was a foster parent and also that my career involves children so no worries, this ain't my first rodeo. This seemed to have appeased the OR nurse who was getting annoying.

Before I went in my RE came to see me. Have I ever told you that I love her? She is really sweet and never treats this like any old medical thing. She knows this is a big deal that involves babies and that it's emotional. The only time I almost got emotional was when I saw the embryologist walk through. I don't know, but seeing him made me tear up. He was going to be making my babies in just a few hours. I was scared then because I had no idea how this would turn out.

Anesthesia is the most beautiful thing I've experienced in my life. I was just laying in the OR with my feet in stirrups, nurses wiping down my vijay and talking about what they're going to buy at Home Depot when they get off of work for one minute and then BAM, I was awake and the deed was done. I didn't barf or anything so that was cool.

Finally, hubby rounded the corner with the news I was waiting for. 20 EGGS!!!!!! Yay, I was so thrilled. I asked a bunch of questions that probably didn't make sense, but all I could get out of it was 20 eggs. The average, she said, is 12.

Tomorrow is even more important: the fertilization report! How many of my little guys are growing? I will leave you hanging with suspense on that note . . . . .

Above is a photo of me post ER, happy as a clam, holding my ginormous pad that I expertly placed into my small Victoria's Secret thong. :)

Harvest time!

Egg retrieval is officially on Wednesday. I go into the hospital at 8:30 a.m. in the morning. Today at the scan I was in so much pain due to possible OHSS that we had to stop the ultrasound. They had already counted so many follicles that they knew there would be plenty. It turns out I responded a little too well. But we are still on our way and I got what I wanted by having ER on Wednesday. I'm very excited and ready to do this, but I am also plagued by worry.

Here is my list:

What if none of my follicles are mature eggs?
What if I ovulate before they can get to the eggs?
What if none of my eggs fertilize?
What if they do fertilize, but not very well?
What if I have none left over to freeze?
What if I don't react well to anesthesia?
What if my OHSS gets worse?

And the very worst of all: what if this doesn't work? What if I do all this for nothing? I am trying to hold on to hope because this is just the beginning. I reach out and look for success stories. I have spent time picking out baby things that I will need in 9 short months. 9 puny months. After 2 and a half years, it seems like nothing. But the next two weeks seem like forever. I want to get the positive beta, see the heartbeat, feel the first fetal movement, plan with hubby for our future together with our little one, go through labor and hold our little baby that we wanted more than anything in this world in my arms.

It will happen, it will happen, it will happen . . . . . The egg retrieval is just the beginning.

Spanx Time

I officially need spanx now! It took a little longer than I thought. Between being too exhausted to work out from Lupron for awhile, being in official "no strenuous activity" zone for a week and having a steroid that makes me eat like there is no tomorrow, it's just to be expected. I've embraced it. I've just decided that of all the things to stress about, becoming more voluptuous is not going to be at the top of my list.

I got my next handout of instructions from the doctor's office Friday. It included instructions for the progesterone injections, which I'm not thrilled about. Above is the photo given to me of where to stick the butt shots. "What's the big deal" you say? I just want to know why the damn pictures are always of skinny people! Due to this process, my love handles are much lovelier, my J. Lo is much juicier, and I have nothing cute to say about my thighs. They're fat. And covered in hail damage. It's sick. I thought it might be kinda funny to sharpie mark my ass and do a real life comparison for you, but again, I'm trying to hold on to just a small shred of my dignity.

Now, I could blame all this on the shots, but I will take personal responsibility. This morning for breakfast I ate two pieces of cinnamon raisin bread, a bowl of chicken noodle soup, and an egg mcmuffin. Don't think I skipped lunch either. I am just starving! I can't explain it, but I just can't get enough food. At least all the things I consume are people food, unlike Little Bub, who I've watched eat dog food, chapstick, markers, Outlast lipstick, play doh, and other delicious treats in the last week and a half.

I am in so much pain!! I can't believe it. Walking is a chore and I pee 24/7. I'm sweating like I ran a marathon, but all I did was eat and sit on my ass. Fingers crossed ER will be Wednesday!! The sooner the better! I find out tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m. . . . . Thank goodness for my hubby who is entertaining the kiddos while I lay here doing nothing. I try to get up and clean a little bit here and there but the pain is preventing me (hee hee, or so I say). Among all the other things I need to get done, GQ let me know yesterday that I need to get my eyebrows waxed. Sigh . . . .

ER is Coming Up!!

My morning scan went beautifully! I was so excited to know that I had many follicles and that we will be able to do egg retrieval next week either Wednesday or Thursday. The IVF coordinator also said that I have a lining that is made for twins. Woo hoo, that's what I'm talking about!

I hate to have been negative, but with every treatment I have had they have given me excellent chances only for it to have been a mess. First they told me I didn't even need Clomid, but when I took it they knew it would do the trick. Instead, I didn't even ovulate a few times and my progesterone levels were up and down. When I went in for IUI's with injectables, they said it would be no big deal, everything looked marvelous. My follicles were either abundant or slow to grow, my estradiol levels were everywhere and I always got my period before my beta (pregnancy) test could even happen. When the new doctors gave me the highest chances of success, not only did it not mean much, I figured this would probably be a disaster. It is shocking (in a great way) that this has all gone amazingly well. My estradiol numbers are perfect and we'll get to do the egg retrieval sooner than they thought we would, which is awesome. I'm so excited, it seems unreal that it will actually be going down next week. That means in a little over a week, if everything goes well, I will get to meet my little embryos!! I can't wait!

The Sweetest Things

Here it is everyone! The first artwork of Little Bub! Isn't is amazing? At the tender age of 1, he painted with cookie cutters. I was so excited to see this when I got home from a very long day of work. Little Bub is my little snuggler and kisser. Every night to go to bed we have to get snuggles for awhile. He warmed up to me very quickly and I of course think everything he does is amazing since he got here.

It took GQ a little longer to warm up to me. Which is completely understandable! Yesterday we went to his new school and it was great. When we left he asked us how long he had been with us. I said one week. He then asked if he could stay with us for 31,000 weeks until he becomes an old man. It was so sweet, and also rewarding. Today when I walked in the door, he gave me a huge hug. Hubby and Little Bub were dancing to hip hop in the kitchen while he was cooking mac and cheese. I was getting a hug from GQ and admiring the amazing artwork of Little Bub and thinking that this is the life! For a brief moment, I was a little bit thankful for this tough IF journey. Without it, I would have never experienced a moment like this, and I was very grateful.

Tomorrow is the first IVF scan to see how my follies are doing. I'm hoping for a lot and also hoping they will reduce the amount of stim meds I'm on. I'm already in pain. I just ordered another $500.00 vial of Follistim. While I was at it, I forgot to ask them to not send a box of god damn dull needles this time!!

Still Truckin' (And Feeling Like a Jerk)

My estradiol level was at 100, so it was perfect! Woo hoo! We are able to continue. Next small step towards baby: ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday. We will get to see how many follicles I have working. I was a little bummed because I was hoping they would decrease my dosage of the Follistim, but they are keeping everything the same. I am starting to feel a tad uncomfortable already. Today I had headaches and am extremely tired.

I took the little guys into the Health Department to get shots for daycare. As someone who shoots up every night, you wouldn't think this was a big deal. It was so awful! Holding the kids as they screamed bloody murder was almost as traumatizing for me as it was for them! After waiting for two hours to get in, the nurse was an annoying bitch. She asked me why I am a foster parent and I told her I can't have kids of my own. I hope that isn't really true, but she did benefit from the guilt trip because she wasn't quite so nasty after that. I know, I'm evil . . . .

This morning I had to take the kids with me to the RE's office to get my blood drawn. I didn't think much of it, other than it was a major inconvenience. Then I sat down with the baby on my lap and a couple was looking at him. Nurses came by and said how adorable he was. Although this normally excites me, I felt absolutely awful. I know they were looking at his sweet baby face, his big blue eyes, and his heart melting dimples and feeling like shit and wondering when it was going to be their turn. I kept trying to turn him around so his perfect little face wasn't staring at them or so that he wouldn't do anything cute. I wanted to tell them that I haven't had a turn yet either, these are just temporary babies that will break my heart when they leave, but thought it would be pretty awkward. I still have a yucky feeling in my gut thinking about that today. Luckily now they have immunizations and can go to daycare so I won't do that again. I feel so sorry thinking about that tonight and hoping that it didn't send the wife home in tears and haunting them like it is me.

Operation Human Pin Cushion Has Commenced

I started stims last night! Yay, finally! I feel like I have been on birth control and Lupron forever. Now all the juicy stuff happens. Here is my current meds list for your enjoyment:

Metformin
Dexamethosone
Baby aspirin
Prenatal/ DHA supplement

And injections:

10 units HCG
10 units Lupron
175 units Follistim

Tomorrow morning they will test my estradiol levels to give me the go ahead to continue. It will need to be 50 minimum, but at least 100 would be good. But then, if it's too high, that would be bad. Cross your fingers that all will be well and we will get the go ahead to continue!

Yesterday when I was out buying a mattress for Little Bub, I couldn't help look at some things I would like for my little baby. I was really enjoying myself when all of a sudden the realization hit that this might not work. I try to keep those thoughts at bay, but they creep in every now and then. There have been so many successes (and first try successes at that) by people on my support board that I try to remember that. I was given the highest chances of success my RE could give anyone, 65%. I try to remember that too. As I was choosing which curtains I would hang in the nursery and what type of newborn socks I would buy, I lost my breath when I thought of not ever being able to have a baby of my own. 65% is good, but it's not the 100% I wish I had. I got very dizzy and it was hard to breathe. I pulled myself together and left, then tried with all my might to think happy, positive thoughts again.

So, one day at a time. I am trying to just think about my estradiol levels for tomorrow and hope that will be the first small success.

The Wisdom of a 5 Year Old

Every night since the kiddos got here, we have gone on a bike ride after dinner. On Friday, we had a bowling birthday party so we couldn't, even though GQ asked if we still could although it was 9:30 at night. We had to make it up this morning. It was wicked hot and humid out and he has to stop at every workout station on the one mile trail to "grow his muscles." He found a dandelion to make a wish on. It was a very stubborn dandelion, so he decided to share the wishing with me so we could trade off. He made one wish, then handed it to me so that I could wish. It sounds really silly, but it was quite therapeutic for me. I have been beaten down for so long by all the failure of the last several years that I forgot what it was like to just wish for something innocently without some complicated plan to make it work. It felt very nice. We all know what I wished for, but I also had to throw in a wish that GQ and Little Bub will have a good long life and will be safe wherever they end up once they leave us.

We were playing around and GQ looked at me and smiled. I asked him what he was smiling about, and he said "you're going to have a little baby soon." Although I'm pretty sure he was calling me fat, I'm going to choose to believe he is one of those creepy clairvoyant kids from the Sci-Fi channel who just caught a glimpse of the future from the universe. So it's official, my efforts will not be in vain!!

I have to give some "shout outs" TRL style tonight!! I am so thankful for the help we've received in the last few days.

- To my grandma! She brought over a bag full of toys and a car mat that the boys absolutely love. She also came over so I could go to Walmart for birthday supplies and take a shower (I'm still paranoid about showering when the babies are unsupervised). She also took GQ to a movie today and he was so excited. She is not Ashley's grandma or Carlyne or Mrs. So and So, she is now labelled, "the Grandma." Thanks!!

- To my in laws! GQ had a birthday recently so we had a late birthday party Friday night. My mother-in-law and step father-in-law, sister in law, and two brothers in law all showed up last minute to bowl and with gifts for the little guy. We really appreciate it!

- To a good friend of ours who sent us extra of her amazing cleaning product with our last foster kids. We definitely need it! I thought the teenagers were messy, but I had no idea. Just today my hardwoods have seen spilled milk, diet coke, Juicy Juice in both Punch and Apple flavor, watermelon, ravioli and dog water (Little Bub decided to have a splish splash in the dogs bowl). Thanks!!

- To another friend for quickly finding us a convertible crib for only $60.00! Woo hoo, thanks!

What to Expect When You're Expecting 1

In an effort to keep up a positive attitude and convince myself this is going to be successful I began reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I bought this book as a wedding gift for myself. I've been married for over two years so there is some dust on it. It's actually served as something more in the realm of comedic relief than actual educational material. From some of the questions and concerns in the book of "real" pregnant women, I'm starting to get the feeling that I've done a little too much research in the last several years. I think I might qualify as an OB in some small countries in fact.

Lessons Learned from Month One: Fertiles are pussies. I've already been through all of that "discomfort" from hormone injections without a baby to show for it. I've done my fair share of midnight vomitting thanks to progesterone vaginal inserts. I will not be worrying about month one! My biggest worries will be test after test to continue to make me paranoid about whether or not my long awaited pregnancy is even viable.

But, the excitement is gathering for Sunday, the beginning of the serious injections. We're getting so close!

The Joys of (temporary) Parenthood

I'm not being sarcastic, it really is a joy! Such an amazing joy, I just love it. My two kiddos are doing wonderful. They have already warmed up to me and we have a great time. Little Bub is so sweet and he is such a snuggler. Although I usually have quite the time getting up in the morning, I popped right up this morning to get them out of bed. We could not even eat until he was satisfied with enough snuggles. GQ was a bear and it took quite awhile to get him up. I have feeling they didn't have a stable bedtime at home so it is tough with the new 9:00 P.M. rule. I learned yesterday that I don't think I could ever be a stay at home mom! They wore me out and hubby found me asleep in the bedroom with Little Bub snoring in my arms.

I learned a few lessons from GQ yesterday. First, boxers are underwear for men, and now that he is 5, he can only wear boxers. Second, there is no way I could have ever gone to Bass Pro Shop before because "womens" don't go there. Third, we all have to love doctors because they help us so we need to help them. Fourth, school busses are awesome because you don't have to wear a seat belt and the police don't get you. Fifth, you can never wear pjs more than once. And most importantly, five year olds cannot leave the house without a spritz of cologne. You learn something new everyday!

There have been very few bumps in the road in the last 24 hours. The first bump entailed the carseat. You wouldn't think it would take a genius to put in a carseat, but it actually takes three geniuses! My sister in law and I both could not get the damn car seat in right. It was embarassing. I work with little ones and she's having a baby in a few months, so I think it's a bad sign for the both of us. We had to call her husband, because apparently he has a talent for installing carseats. Little Bub has peed once on my floor while the dog licked it up, so that wasn't good. The inevitable finally occured after three nights of them in the house; Little Bub ate dog food out of the dog bowl. Lesson learned!! No dog food on the floor unless Rocky is eating it.

After work we ate dinner, played with chalk, and went on a bike ride. It's exactly the life I've been longing for since February 2007. Well, actually my whole life, but that was when we decided to try and make it a reality. I can't think of any greater gift right now than having these sweet babies come into my life. Well, I was also kinda hoping they'd find a baby hiding in my uterus somewhere at my supression scan, but you can't have everything, right?

Got a hobby (in the form of children)!!

I've been trying to think what I can do with the next few weeks to take up my time and keep my mind off of this nonsense before I lose my marbles for good. My foster agency took care of that this evening by adding two new additions to my household! Yay! They are sweet little things who are safely tucked in bed. I have already checked on them twice and plan on doing so a few more times. I will certainly be purchasing a baby monitor in the morning. I have also been scouring Craig's List for a good crib to purchase in the morning because the little one is in a pack and play tonight. I also need a carseat for the little guy, I have one for the 4 year old. Holy cow, there are kids downstairs!!

So, we were having a comfy dinner with my family who so kindly cared for my furbaby, Rocky, while we were out of town. Last night I was in a Lupron coma so I didn't have the will to go get him. My cell phone rings and it is the agency, they have two kiddos, they will drop them off tonight!! Holy shit! We hauled ass back into town, went to Target and bought pjs, toys, diapers, bottles, cups, food and any random thing I felt we needed. I got home, set up the pack and play, did dishes, unloaded toys, and cleaned up a little here and there. Last run we had teenagers, so what we have left over from them is the Twilight series of books, tampons, and a pile of clothes they didn't need anymore, so basically nothing of any use for the newbies. At least we will be covered for a wide range of kids!

Even though we only had 30 minutes from the time we got home until the social worker came to drop them off, I paced and paced around the house. Hubby says he "just can't wait" to spend a long nine months with me. Good point. I truly hope we get that opportunity! I'm so excited to wake up tomorrow morning and have something else to look forward to other than just another day X-ed off the calendar to see if this IVF cycle will be the blessing we've been waiting two and a half years for!

Up, down, up, down, sit, stand, kneel

My life feels like an extended version of the Catholic Sunday masses I used to attend. If you aren't Catholic, the one hour of holy mass consists of standing, then sitting, then standing, kneeling, maybe some walking, some hand holding and shaking, and so on and so forth. Basically, you can never get comfortable or really concentrate on anything because you are up and down, up and down. During the short intervals between each of these activities you try and entertain yourself by looking around the church. Does that person really think their 2 day old screaming baby needs to come to Sunday mass? Did that person look in the mirror before they left the house? Should I really take of the Body of Christ today because I know I've sinned at least 12 million times since my last confession? You know that the gist of this extravaganza is to get a little of the Holy Spirit in you for the week, but it can be painfully boring with the monotony of the routine and it's easy to get lost and not be able to focus on the real reason why you woke up, put on your Sunday best and decided to spend an hour with the Lord.

This is how my life in this IVF cycle feels. I put on my best big girl panties and found myself an RE that I loved. I decided after months that this is the plan for me. I was pumped and excited and ready to roll. I just knew this had to work, how could it not? I had my eye on the prize, a sweet baby that will complete the family hubby and I have dreamed of for years. But then I got in the routine. Pills, shots, rules. Timing, schedules, advice, special diets. Appointments, check ups and check writing. It has been well over a month since I took the plunge and decided this was the road for me. After five weeks on birth control pills and over a week on lupron, steroids, metformin, happy pills and baby asprin, I've had a little too much idle mind time. I've been thinking, hey, maybe this won't work. Maybe it will work and I'll end up with a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage. Some days I'm up and good to go. Other days I'm standing tall, knowing with full confidence I will be a mommy someday and happiness is just around the corner. Some days I am left kneeling on the floor without a leg to stand on, consumed by fear, anger and mostly sadness. Some days I know I can do this, other days I know I'm not okay and am not sure that I can handle all of this.

Only one week and one day left until my first appointment after stims begin to see if we can even move on (too low of estradiol numbers will equal a cancellation). After that there will be much more action. I just want to do this and see what happens already!