The Week From Hades

Hubby travels for work, about one week a month or maybe a little more. He gets notice the week before he goes. It sucks balls sometimes.

Luckily, my grandparents are here for the rescue and we have a glorious time spending the night at their house because I am a little pansy who doesn't sleep well when hubby is gone. Our other schedule issue is the hubby goes to class two nights a week now and my usual work time off is 6:00, which is when daycares close, so my grandparents have helped out by picking them up those two nights.

They got picked up Monday night by my Papa. We ate dinner with him and then came home, did baths and bedtime no problem. I have this shit down.

Tuesday hubby leaves. They get picked up by Papa again. I stop by the house and let out the dog then put him in his kennel. Ever sleeps with Papa and I sleep with Ocean. They really only sleep well in their own beds so Ocean tossed and turned and I slept okay. I dropped them off at daycare and then went home Wednesday morning to let the dog out.

The house smelled like death. The dog had pooped, puked and peed all in the office. Even the wall had shit on it. I have worked with children a long time. I have cleaned their butts. I have wiped their boogers on my shirt in lieu of Kleenex. I have caught their vomit in my bare hands while pregnant with twins. BUT I CANNOT TOLERATE ANIMAL MESS. It is extra disgusting and I just can't do it.

But hubby is gone, two states away, so I have to. I put the barf kennel outdoors and the left the dog outside knowing full well he would run away. I was okay with that. I opened windows and proceeded to work. I got off early so I could pick up the nuggets to once again pawn them off on someone else (my mother in law) so I could clean up dog shit instead of spend time with them. I open the door and the house is infested with flies and bugs. WTF times a million!?!? I light several candles and get to work. After three hours, I realize we cannot sleep in this house so I pack our bags and go to stay at my grandparents even though they are not there. I cry like a little baby the whole time I drive to pick them up. I cry about hubby being gone, my house being disgusting, my babies getting continuously pawned off on others, Ocean being sick. Ocean is crying and crying, I know he is sick. The daycare had taken his temp right as I walked in and it was borderline, but high enough that he couldn't go back the next day. All I wanted was sleep. Ocean stayed up most of the night and then woke up at 5:00 a.m. 5:00 a.m.

I cried like a little baby again. I was so desperate. Ocean was crying and crying and crying and not sleeping. Hubby's family works and all of my family was out of town and hubby was out of town. I was royally screwed. I cried some more and then freaked out on hubby. He gave me the good news that they were coming back a day early. He found us at my grandparents at 5 in the evening with our pjs still on. The day wasn't half bad though. We had to stay another night at my grandparents and ended up sleeping there until today.

Friday was a great day. We went to the doctor and got drugs. Almost always I try to work part of the day or see if someone can watch them, but I took Thursday and Friday off. All the way. Okay, maybe I made the babies go to work with me for an hour Friday, but I took care of them the whole time.

I have had so much time with my nuggets this week and it is so amazing. My karma circled around and came back great because the babies have been in extra funny happy moods. We are now back in our house. I also ate a funnel cake today, and nothing could really be better than that. I'm proud we all survived. The twins have been in AWESOME moods and maybe I'm being arrogant but I think it's because their love tank is full of mama lovin.' It's true.

Peanut . . . the next Jersey Shore cast member. She LOVED the hot tub.

The Mom to Mom Attraction

I know this will be very shocking to you due in large part to my sparkling personality and cheerful demeanor, but I'm antisocial. It's okay, pick your jaw up off the floor, it's true. I don't like people, I enjoy being with myself.

When we had no kiddos in the house a few weekends ago, hubby asked if I would go to a concert with him. I said hell no. I hate concerts. I love music. I hate lots of people, strangers in fact, being near me, touching me, yelling, icky. No thank you.

Since becoming a mom, I have had many unsettling experiences that seem to stem mostly from the fact that I have children. It's other women, making a beeline toward me, to discuss motherhood. I would feel more comfortable with a man in a mask with a knife and duct tape coming toward me because I'm trained in self defense. I am not trained in the small talk of motherhood. I am not trained in the art of being truly interested in other people's parenting tactics or childhood milestones. When I need help from other moms, I ask. Not ever one time in my life, have I felt compelled to walk up to a stranger and discuss parenting with them.

Once while shopping in Kohl's hubby and I were carrying the babies in a Baby Bjorn each. Shit like that is bad because "baby wearers" see that and come up and start assuming. That is another source of discomfort, assumptions of parenting tactics. "You are baby wearers too? You all look so comfortable. How wonderful that your husband participates" No, I'm not a "baby wearer," I am wearing my baby, there is a difference. I have not obsessively attached myself to a parenting style so that I can assure myself that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Twin strollers don't fit in aisles so it's easier and I'd end up having to carry them anyway so I might as well just attach them to my body. Duh.

I do not say these things because even though I am uncomfortable, I know these people mean well. I know that as human beings we feel compelled to have connections with others and be validated in our lifestyles, I just happen to be abnormal. After a few moments of silence because I am thinking all these sarcastic things, I say something that I know will be satisfying to that person. Then I rely on easy questions that won't irritate me when answered, like how old, name, etc.

I enjoy mom friends when they have been selected carefully. My family makes fun of me for having blog friends (and I have even met a few in real life!) but those have been carefully selected as well so I know what I'm getting into. But random people at the grocery store, mall, etc. just freak me out.

I will just pray my children learn their social skills from daycare.**

**We chose to stay with daycare. The sickness is driving me up a wall, but we weren't very realistic with our schedules. The normal nanny hours would have been 9:30-4:30 which are pretty great hours. But hubby travels out of town for work frequently which would bump that time up to 6:00 p.m. for a week, costing extra $$. I have a meeting early once a month so that would cost extra $$. I have to go in when people don't show up which happens about once every other week so I need flexibility. Hubby is in class two nights a week so that would add hours. So really, we would be driving someone bonkers with our crazy schedules and spending lots of extra $$$$.

If I Were A Polygamist . . . .

After reading a post about another blogger's celebrity husband, it got me thinking about celebrity husbands. I could not just choose one, so I have instead chosen a life of polygamy. If I were a polygamist, I would totally be with . . . . .

Jason Bateman
He isn't a super hotty or anything, but I LOOOOOVE him. The number one most important thing in life, more than money or great abs, is a good sense of humor. I love you Jason Bateman.



Jon Hamm
Deadly sexy. I won't say anything else because it will be offensive.



Justin Timberlake
I can't explain this. I have never found him attractive. But then out of the blue a few years back I started dreaming about him out of the blue. Special dreams, if you know what I mean, and now I can't get him off my mind!



The True Blood Cast
All of them. I know I'd have to go to New York to marry a few of these, but I would take them all. Watching that show can really be a problem in my house. A good problem.

I'm sure there are more, but I don't want you all to think that I constantly just think of marrying lots of people (even if it is true).

So . . . who is on your list?

Happy Friday!

Mom Fail Number Infinity

Yesterday morning the Nut and I were eating breakfast and then roaming around the house. Osh was still asleep because he forgot that we don't have playtime from 1:00 a.m. - 4:00 a.m. (also he was sick, but he made a beeline for legos after his inhaler). I let our dog out and right in front of our glass slider was a big, nasty spider! I hate spiders. Hate, hate, hate. That little shit built a web all across the front of the door so you would walk right into it and take a spider right in the face.

After the dog squeezed out of the tiny opening I allowed due to the spider I shut the door. I banged on it hoping the spider would crawl away so I could destroy the web and it would leave forever. Instead, the little shit just waved it's creepy arms at me, basically telling me it was going to crawl on me and kill me if I touched it.

I looked in our locked cabinet to see what I could find. There are lots of earth friendly cleaners so I didn't think they would do much in my spider death quest but then I found some ant spray.

I opened the door just a smidge again to spray that little shit. The ant spray didn't come out into a direct stream, it was misting and getting everywhere. While I was thinking about what kind of a terrorist would make death mist I should have realized this was probably to be used on hard surfaces. Then I inhaled some of it and looked down and saw that the Nut was right under my feet.

I panicked! I couldn't believe I was spraying poison on my little sweet pea nugget. I slammed the door shut and looked down at her and she started screaming. I thought "oh no, my baby has ant poison in her eyes!!!"

That was not the problem. I had shut her fingers into the sliding glass door!!!!!

I panicked again and opened the door and picked her up and looked at her fingers. They weren't broken so we got an ice pack from the fridge. She screamed and screamed. I felt horrible! I gave her lots and lots of kisses.

It turns out that she was just fine. She got back in a good mood and we went to check on Osh. But she did go to daycare with the light scent of Eau de Ant Spray in her hair.

On Mondays and Wednesdays I am on my own all day with the kids due to hubby being in school. I got Osh undressed and was working on Ever because she had dump in her pants. He ran into the kitchen, took an unnaturally large pee on the floor and then slipped and fell running through it. Nice.

It's a miracle anyone lives in my house!

This is a photo of my children being disciplined by me. You can tell how terrified they are and how effective my punishment is. They have flushed the potty like 8 million times in a row.

Going Back

Remember way back a long time ago in that first dating honeymoon phase? I remember the beginning of my relationship, almost 8 years ago. I always dressed nice and started getting ready hours before our dates. I looked up fancy recipes on the internet and in cookbooks to cook for hubby so he would be impressed. We had so much to talk about. We snuggled and held hands and could never be away from each other. We left notes on each other's windshield while at work. We had all these big dreams of places we would go and things we would do.

Last night we were at the park with the babies (when will I learn to say toddlers? never?) and I asked him "remember awhile ago when we would something something (I don't remember what we were talking about)" and he said "remember a long time ago when you used to like me?"

I know he was just making a joke, but it made me so sad to hear him say that. Because he is a man, I just figured he didn't notice that. I love him but for awhile now I just really don't like him that much. I've been too mad at him. I want to go back to that place where I get tingly when he would hold my hand. When I slept good just because he was around. When my girlfriends would all be bitching about their boyfriends I just felt sorry for them, because hubby was mine and not theirs.

The last few weeks I have felt really calm. I have been busy, but I don't feel like life is steam rolling me like I felt the few months prior. I want this to carry on to my relationship. I'm trying to appreciate the small things. There are moments that I remember that are the place I want to be more often. One was when I was working in upstate New York. I was kayaking in a small lake. It was quiet, the water was shiny, the sun was out. I was laying across the kayak with my feet in the water and I thought to myself "life is so good." I think that a lot with my babies, especially at night when we are snuggling and they look at me with their funny smiles and rub my face. I want to take the time to remember that more often, yet I keep forgetting to do it. Right now I figured out finances, my job, my role as mommy, but I just can't get the relationship thing straight.

I know we can't have it all, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it anyway. I just need to figure out how to get there . . . . .

We had to cheese out with the elk antlers and the elk jerky stop on the side of the road (I know, elk jerky stops in the middle of nowhere don't sound like a smooth move)!