One Way Ticket to Crazyville

I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone right now.

It's that first trimester stuff where you don't look different and I don't feel that different (I feel like poo, but nothing like with the twins) and I don't feel anything so I don't know if this is real.

22 pee sticks, three betas and two ultrasounds should help it sink in, but it doesn't.

We told people after the second ultrasound where the little nugget had grown quite a bit and popped up with a heartrate at 170, when it was only 100 the last time. I thought it would be like Weight Watchers, where people join to be kept accountable. If I tell people I'm pregnant we can talk about it and then it can be real. I went to a BBQ on Saturday and someone said "I hear congratulations are in order" and then I looked around wondering what the heck they were talking about it.

I know that I can't jinx it. It will happen or it will not happen and there is not one thing I can do, besides refraining from Meth and bungee jumping. I tried going about my regular business, I even ran a 5K a few weeks ago. Now I feel bad and don't have the energy to work out, which should make me feel better, but I feel nothing else.

I told myself it would be so different this time. I wouldn't obsess. I wouldn't rent the hospital grade doppler to listen twice a day for a heartbeat. But I probably will because I just feel too weird and I really need that reassurance, free baby or not.

I went to my first official OB appointment last week. It was like an out of body experience actually. It was really important that I ask about a VBAC and I did and she gave me the info and I listened but I didn't feel anything. I gained three pounds and it didn't worry me. They moved my due date based on the two ultrasounds I had to December 25th, Christmas Day. I can't even think that far ahead. I have some bacteria that can cause preterm labor so I am on antibiotics. I just keep going through the motions and taking my pills and hoping for the best, a take home baby in December.

One month until the end of the first trimester! Hopefully my NT scan will help drive this home for me and then we can really celebrate each day. I was laying in bed last night and Hubby asked if I needed anything. I said "I NEED TO SEE THE BABY NOW!" I just need to. But I have to have patience and not go cuckoo . . . . . .

Thank goodness for the twins! They keep me super busy. Peanut lays in bed with me playing on the iPad when I feel like poo. Last night we all fell asleep together watching Shrek 2 in our bed (we have a queen bed by the way, not a good idea). We leave soon for the first phase of our summer of us, but we got a little taste at my in-law's cabin. The twins loved boating and they love water!