Sickos, Mom Guilt, The River, and The Status of My Mental Health

• My little love bugs were super sick last week and right into this week. I was so tired I was to the point of calling on grandparents, aunts, uncles, or maybe even the mailman to see if they could spend the night somewhere this weekend. Thankfully, last night and Tuesday night they slept all night. Aaahhhhh. Crisis averted.



• I convinced Hubby due to the influx of emails I have been getting to take pictures for people that I probably need to upgrade my camera. He has agreed! But . . . . I am a cheapskate so lets see if I have the balls to pony up the dough.



• I see so many posts about mama's feeling guilty for not doing it all. I feel mom guilt of course, but I never feel guilty about always eating out and the fact that my house is a pig sty. I mean, I NEVER feel guilty about it. Does that mean there is something wrong with me?



• Does anyone watch The River on ABC? That show is awesome! I love weird shows like that. American Horror Story and True Blood are up there in my absolute love shows. Then there is Friday Night Lights which is one of the best shows ever and isn't creepy or weird at all, but anyway . . . . I am thinking that it has something to do with religion. They are moving pretty quickly through the plot so they must not be planning a long term show, but I don't miss it each week. You should watch it. Just not in front of the kids.



• We went to the zoo last weekend and decided to buy the year pass. It was a really good deal. We can go to the zoo and ride the tram, train and carousel (which is an O&E addiction) as much as we want. We will be at the zoo a LOT in the next year, so it's a great thing that I love the zoo. We can even get into zoo's close by with the pass so we have already planned two weekend trips to do that as well.



• Status of My Mental Health: Good. Really good. I am feeling very content now. When I did the FET in theory I thought, well, if it doesn't work at least it's not hanging over my head anymore. Obviously it didn't go over quite that easily. Our little popsicle was our last chance at realistically and affordably and guilt-free (not spending a ton of $$$ or the full effort of an IVF which is brutal) having a third child. People don't get it, but we always, always, since we were barely, dating talked about how we would like lots of kids. Less than three months ago when I faced the reality that our best option for expanding our family was a huge failure, I have spent that time experiencing the five stages of grief, which came as a shock to me.

1. Denial and isolation - oh yeah. Isolating is really the best way to get to moving on. It's hard to move past things when life just sits in your face reminding you of how you fail. The first go round with infertility my counselor did say the best thing to do was remove yourself from situations that you can't handle if it's possible until you can handle them.

2. Anger - I don't think I even need to comment on this. We all know how angry I was . . .

3. Bargaining - I have done so much bargaining with the universe in the last 5 years it is unbelievable. I have promised the Universe I don't need anything else extravagant, nice cars, lots of money, fancy trips, a good retirement plan, as long as I could just make this work. I just want a healthy, happy family. That is all.

4. Depression - I have cried major buckets of tears. Then the tears became random, like when I was reading a book and just start crying or laying in bed or sitting at my desk at work.

5. Acceptance - This is where I am. It didn't work. It was hard to see that living ball of me and Hubby and then get nothing in return, but it's okay now. There is nothing more I could have done. I do feel now like I was hoping I would and that is even though it didn't work, we gave it our best shot and it's gone. We have to make new plans and I can do that. I don't have to think of it anymore being frozen in a lab. I wish so much that it was still growing and I would be into my second trimester, but I feel okay that it's not my reality. Being okay with it changes lots of things. I enjoy life more in general and I especially enjoy my time with nuggets. I know people don't get why I would need to experience that from a failed treatment, but I did. I needed it. I feel good. I also don't feel guilty at all for being honest in needing that time and taking that time to come to a place where I feel okay again. I don't feel that 2 and a half months is too much to ask and I wouldn't take it back because that is what I needed to move forward. So there you have it.

A rare photo that includes . . . me!