Scary Stuff

In the spirit of Halloween, I will show you something really freaky . . . . .

This is the belly at only 12 weeks!! Yes, I said only 12. I'm not even in the second trimester yet and I look like this.

I have to admit, I look at it in the mirror all the time. I like to rub and talk to it, just like Buddha. Even though I am so super worried about the little monkeys all the time, if they are growing so big so fast, they must be healthy right? I got really excited when we pulled up to the house and there was a box. I almost jumped out of the moving car because I thought it was the Baby Beat, but then I saw the Macy's logo on the side and it was a birthday gift for hubby from my mom and dad (thank you so much by the way, this was really a gift to me because his other coat is so ugly. But he does love it!).

Oh well, it will be here Monday, and I can't wait to hear the sweet sounds of their beating hearts!

I Had A Dream

The last few months have been the most exciting of my existence for awhile. I finally accomplished what I've been wanting forever. I have also been hit with more sickness and body issues than I have had in a long time. First, IVF was harder on my body than I thought it would be. I had OHSS and my cycle almost got cancelled (thank God for the art of begging). My ovaries are still very large. Then I had a four day bleeding scare. Then I got morning sickness worse than I would have thought. Then I got costochondritis which was painful and I can't take anti-inflamatories. Then I got arrested, went through emotional stress and became dehydrated with a large raise in my blood pressure. Monday of this week I had some type of allergic reaction to something, got hives all over my body and had to use my inhaler. I have had a very painful headache for 4 days and have not been able to make it through but one day of work. I have been exposed to 27 cases of H1N1 in the last three weeks, so when I woke up really sick yesterday I assumed I had it. Last night when I got to urgent care, I was relieved to find out that it is just some type of viral infection, although I just have to wait it out. Let's don't mention the mental health issues I have concerning whether or not this is a healthy pregnancy.

This has all happened in the last two months, as I am only 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

Last night when I was laying in bed I looked at my belly. It is still growing at a healthy pace. So I had a little talk with the babies. I told them that I will continue getting sick or have weird things happen and I won't worry about it too much if they promise to keep growing and come out healthy. Then I will know this is all worth it, more than worth it.

My little amazing babies answered! I had a dream that I could see them as clear as day floating around in me. They were smiling and happy. They were wiggling around and playing with each other. They were smiling and waving at me. They just wanted to tell me that they are okay in there. So I think we have an agreement, they are going to keep trucking and come out perfect.

Don't think this has any effect on the Baby Beat. It was ordered yesterday, and will arrive on Monday. :)

Must Order Baby Beat

As of 10w4d, I had three ultrasounds. When you find out you are pregnant, you are considered 4 weeks so I had to wait two weeks for the first ultrasound so if you do the math I have had pretty frequent ultrasounds. The high I experience from knowing my babies are alive and well lasts about 5 days before psychosis kicks in.

It has been a week and a half. If I pretend to be someone of sound mind, I will make it gracefully until my next appointment November 16th (or whenever the damn perinatal specialist calls to set up my appointment). There is no way in hell I am going to survive a full month without knowing that the babies are still kicking (figuratively, man I wish I could feel that already). I had severe cramping on Saturday night and could not eat, but drank lots of fluids. There was no bleeding and this does happen so I spent all of Sunday in bed drinking water. The cramps went away and still no bleeding. But nonetheless, I still worry.

I have a few options. Call the OB and tell her I am a few french fries short of a happy meal and do not have the mental capacity to make it to the 16th and please, pretty please will she check on the babies for me? Or I could make up something legit so she has to see me. Or I could order the Baby Beat and see if that works first.

The Baby Beat is a home doppler used to pick up the heart beats. You can rent it relatively cheaply. I think this is the best option because I still appear to be a normal person but can check up on the babies myself when I need to. Hubby is very opposed to this idea. He says we need to leave them alone and let them grow. He also says I will use it improperly, convince myself there are no heartbeats because I wasn't using it right, and we will be paying the big bucks when we rush to the ER because I have convinced myself something is wrong with them. I hate to admit that does sound like something that could happen, but I was up at 5:45 a.m. this morning figuring out what I could do to make sure the babies are okay!! Not to mention I have had the hell of a headache the last two days, went home from work early, and have had a rebirth of morning sickness.

I know I'm crazy so it's okay for you to think that. I just need to know that my babies are okay. I need them to be born and healthy and I need to be their mommy. After Baby A waving at me last week, there is so much more at stake.

Maybe I'll get a hobby. Or at least I could maybe clean my house. Put some new music on the iPod. Read a book. This idle mind business is not good for me. I can put a lot of things on my list, but I will tell you that the thing that will happen eventually is a BabyBeat Fetal Doppler arriving on my doorstep before the week is out.

Stroller Peeve

Every year in Kansas City, the Junior League sponsors an even called Holiday Mart. Vendors come from around the country to a huge convention center type place for the mother load of shopping. Jewelry, clothing, home decor, and seriously everything you can imagine. It was seriously difficult not to get my annual "wine-a-rita" sample, but I did not partake. I enjoy this activity every year, there is some really cool stuff and it's a fun little thing to look forward to. Last year I went in an attempt to enjoy myself, but it was actually torture. There are a lot of photographers offering deals on sessions, newborn and maternity. There are also lots of vendors with absolutely fabulous children's clothing. For someone who is knee deep in infertility, had just maxed out the amount of time they could do Clomid, and was just wandering into the world of specialists, injections, and IUI's, the place is kind of a nightmare. Not to mention the bazillion women with HUGE strollers who take up a lot of space in a very crowded area. I asked myself why these idiots couldn't get a babysitter, or the very least a baby bjorn and have some common courtesy for those of us who aren't thrilled about the crowding but are downright pissed to have to move around your stroller or get hit in the shins with your shitty stroller maneuvering. Just because you have a child doesn't give you the right to take up all the space in the planet and injure others.

So this year I thought I would be a little more chipper because I am pregnant and would like looking in the stroller and imagining my little monkey's snuggled up while I was shopping. Now, I had a much better time shopping and got good ideas for pictures. But even minus bitterness, I was still PISSED about the damn strollers!! I wish they could make it like Vegas, where strollers aren't allowed in shopping areas. There are places I expect strollers, like the large malls, zoos, the outdoors. But not a crowded as fuck charity sale. There was one mom in line and she had twins. My heart melted for a minute thinking I should be where she is next year, but it was quickly replaced by an urge to throw something at the dumb bitch for bringing a hummer sized stroller to take up an entire aisle.

Two things to leave you with:

1. Have some courtesy and get a baby sling, a babysitter, or keep your ass at home if you are going to be making everyone's lives annoying thinking we are so excited to see your bundle of joy that we want to get rammed up the ass by fake santas and clothing hangers trying to get around you.

2. I know motherhood changes people, but if you're reading this and you live in Kansas City, take a good look at my picture. When you see me at Holiday Mart next year, buying up the place (there were seriously awesome outfits there and hopefully I won't be a whale anymore by then), you will NOT see me with my hummer sized stroller. I will not let motherhood make me an egocentric asshole who thinks everyone should get out of the way because here comes the mommy. I promise. :)

Oh yeah, the OB called Friday and I should have a peri appointment in about 3 weeks. That is who will make sure the monkey's are healthy. I will officially be in the second trimester, so if the peri thinks they look as great as the OB, we can put together the nursery with a good conscience!

25 Years Old

So, I have been participating in ICLW this time (last time I choked, sorry) and left a comment on a fellow blogger's blog. "Being 25 and infertile sucks." Immediately after I left that comment, I wanted to delete it because being ANYONE and infertile sucks. So if you saw that, I did not mean to take away from everyone else. INFERTILITY SUCKS. No matter what age you are.

But it's still weird to think about. When you start trying at 23 years old, infertility doesn't even seem like a possibility. In fact, all I really knew about infertility was from one episode of Dr. Phil I watched as a teenager and then one episode of a reality show about infertility on the Discovery Health Channel. It looked pretty sucky. I never thought about it again. Even my OB didn't think about it, she said it would probably take us about 4 months. None of my friends have ever had issues. They just got pregnant. Well, I would call these people acquaintances, or family members, my real friends aren't pregnant. I know one who is close in age who got pregnant from her second round of Clomid. That would be nice.

Infertility carries stereotypes just like everything else. You think of someone in their 30's or 40's who has a fabulous career and was too busy previously but now would like a baby. Don't freak out if you're reading this, this is just reality. Even my doctor couldn't associate me with infertility. I'm 25, I look like I'm 17, and I certainly don't have a fabulous career of any type. One of her nurses told me (as I said in a previous post) that when she saw I was 25 and was pregnant from IVF, she assumed I had pretty serious issues. What the fuck? Even doctor's and nurses stereotype. Don't worry ladies, I set her straight! I would be lying though, if it wasn't a blow to my self esteem. I did feel like such a huge failure through this whole thing. Going to the RE's office I felt like almost as big of a freak as I did in the torture we call the OB/GYN waiting room. I saw one of my grandpa's coworkers at the fertility clinic! Yes, I said GRANDPA! Besides feeling awkward, I felt like a loser. These people have probably been doing awesome things with their lives and waited until life was perfect to have a baby, but I'm just a lowly 20 something with "pretty serious issues." I don't have a big house, or an SUV, or a career to brag about. I haven't travelled the world. Plus, some other infertiles have given me comments that basically sound like, "oh you little idiot, you have all the time in the world to do 10,000 treatments. I don't feel sorry for you." Not all, but some.

Even though I will not forget those feelings, I have to admit that I am mostly happy all the time now (with occasional bouts of paranoia). Sometimes I am seriously over the moon with joy, like getting some kind of high from finally being pregnant. I love rubbing my belly and feel so grateful. Hubby and I love talking to the babies and planning our future with them. It was really all worth it. I know we have a long way to go still, but I'm going to go ahead and dream my big dreams. Let me admit, the main issue still lingering is that I just can't be happy when people tell me they are pregnant or send birth announcements (naturally that is, I love it when IFers get pregnant or have a successful adoption). I wonder if that will ever change . . . .

Lessons Learned

So, if you read my post a few weekends ago regarding my interesting experience with law enforcement, you will be happy to know that I have received an answer to the whole thing!

Here is the verdict: this involved a major communication and customer service error. Had there been better communication and customer service, the situations could have been different, but it also might have been the same.

Yep, I bet this clear and concise answer would make you sleep better at night, right? I bet the emotions of having spent an evening in the ER preceded by county jail time and heading home thinking your babies were done for would all dissipate because of this very informative answer. And then you feel even better when you are assured that the gem of a human being who made all these decisions in "17 minutes" of dealing with you has been a trustworthy addition to the force for over 3 years (we assumed he must be new). Before I share these lessons with you, please remember that I did not have an issue with being arrested, the main issue is that I was taken to the more crowded and less safe county jail when the city jail was an option.

But I want to move on, so here are the lessons I've learned that I will share with you:

1. First and foremost, this really would have not been a problem had I changed my car tags from NC tags to KS tags when I was supposed to. Furthermore, it would not have been a problem if I had made sure all was taken care of (I paid fees to the DMV and to the state, but not to this particular city, I was very confused). I will now make sure any ticket is completely taken care of within 24 hours of receiving it (unless of course it's the weekend). I was a little confused with the officer who pulled me over, so another lesson is that I will not leave with a ticket unless I understand what the officer wants me to do to take care of it. So, this was my responsibility and I shouldn't have assumed anything as far as what I had taken care of. No assuming for me anymore!!

2. Your average police officer is not able to make a distinction between a drug dealer and someone who had confusion with a ticket. Apparently, this is for their safety. Even after you have proven you do not have weapons, you are compliant, and you have no drugs (not to mention you are a 5'4" pregnant woman who had done nothing but sit around and cry), you have been standing around for well over an hour and have made no attempt at violence, this has no bearing on the common sense of these individuals. Or in their terms, the "customer service" they provide. You are assumed to be a criminal who knows everything there is to know about jails, bonds, and the process of being arrested.

3. Many police departments expect that if you need something you will make demands of the police officers. I personally would NEVER think to make demands of an authority figure who is going to arrest me. I do watch the news. I saw the old lady get maced for arguing and another pregnant woman get thrown to the ground for arguing with police, so my common sense would indicate that arguing or "demanding" things of a police officer who has mace, a baton, and guns just on their person would be a bad idea. I guess I should have been more "demanding" with my needs and hoped that I would not end up on the the 10 o'clock news.

4. A police officer's time is much more valuable than ours. If they think they can be rid of you in a short amount of time with the least possible responsibility, they will do whatever they have to do. Including things that are directly detrimental to your health and wellbeing. The lives of unborn children and the fact that you are on rest due to a medical condition are meaningless in comparison to the fact that officers have better things to do. Every place I have asked has told me that the city jail is quite different than the county jail.

5. Courts and law enforcement agencies are run by the government, so we can all assume that efficiency is not going to apply here, although as taxpayers, we are the people who pay for these things to be around. In the end, I paid $100 total, which included the fines for my offense and court fees. So basically, this was all for a lingering $100 that this city needed. Honestly, if all they wanted was $100 and I had known that, I would have given them $100 a long time ago, for the love of God! I can assure you that the cost of three police officers, 3 different departments, the booking process and now the investigation cost more than $100. I paid more than that to the state over a year ago for this offense. This process is not cost effective. And as I've been told over and over, "it happens all the time."

As I said, this would all have been avoided had I had up to date tags on my car, I'm not saying I take no responsibility. BUT, it is scary to see first hand how people are being treated. I was told that after all, they take "Johnson County soccer mom" types to the county jail all the time and no one has seemed to had a problem with it but me. I saw the filthy area that people are held. I heard two police officers that work inside the jail, one which was a woman, laugh hysterically at the fact that another inmate was on her period and they told her to stuff papertowels in her pants because they don't have to give her a pad (not that they didn't have one, but they didn't have to give it to her). I'm not sure about you, but telling someone to bleed all over themselves doesn't provide me any comic relief. I guess another lesson would be once you can no longer handle your job with dignity it might be time to move on.

This was a really crappy experience. I will always have a chip on my shoulder because I can't look at a police officer and be able to truly believe they have come into their field of work with the intention of helping people and know that there are actually many of them who now have the authority to pick on people, which is dangerous.

BUT, my babies are still thriving (as of my last appointment on Monday), and since that's all I've been dreaming of for several years, this is all I need to say regarding this subject. I am shocked and a little appalled, but I am also okay, which is all that matters. Now it's time to start thinking of important things, like nursery decorations and baby names. :)

First OB Appointment

Today was a big deal. I, for the first time in a long time, was a normal patient. Just a normal, everyday, OB patient. I went to this first appointment and it was supposed to take 40 minutes but I was there for 3 hours. I answered a bunch of questions, was weighed, blood pressure, pee in a cup and an ultrasound. I've surprisingly only gained about 5 pounds (4.7 to be exact) so that was okay. Seeing as how I cannot zip or button my pants, I was thinking at least 15 so it was a pleasant surprise. I'm allowed to gain 30 to 40 more. Trust me, it won't be a problem.

The nurse who works with the OB has never had a patient that has done IVF before. She said "when I saw on your charts that you were only 25, I was thinking you must have major issues, do you?" I told her no I do not, I have mostly unexplained with a side of polycystic ovaries. She then asked if I purposefully "implanted" two eggs so that I would have twins. Ah, the cluelessness of the fertile. I explained to her, a medical professional, that no one has anything "implanted," that embryos are transferred and then they have to implant on their own. I told her the RE's standard is 2 embryos. 2 could implant, 1 could implant, or none. IVF isn't always successful. I answered many questions for her before we got down to business. She apologized but I told her I am not shy or ashamed of having done this and I don't care about answering anything she would like to know.

Now, onto the good stuff, pictures!!



Baby A



Baby B



Two baby heads with limbs in the background

I was beyond thrilled because they were both moving! MOVING! And I don't mean a little something here or there, but like buds flailing, sac bouncing, crazy moving. Baby B was so crazy we had to wait awhile to get his heartrate because he needed to calm down first. Baby A was so cute, she had her legs crossed together but little arm buds flapping around.

I know this sounds stupid, but I was like, I'm pregnant! There are living things in there, moving, like people. I just fell compeletly in love with them today because they were so quirky and crazy up there and instead of looking like blobs I could finally imagine them as actual humans. I know in the infertility world you shouldn't get attached until after 12 weeks, but it's too late. I'm in love.

Good Things About Infertility

I often think about how unfair it is that I have forked over $23,000.00 in less than two years at desperate attempt after desperate attempt to get pregnant while most people get pregnant for free. Although I am now pregnant, I still harbor so much resentment towards these people, which is unfortunately most people that I know. I still have the inability to be happy for people when they get pregnant or give birth because I can't let go of how "unfair" it is and this feels normal, but also selfish because many people were very happy for me when hearing our amazing news. My therapist did explain that after years of feeling this way it will not turn off, especially in the early stages of pregnancy because other than feeling like poo, I don't feel like anything is different. I also haven't reached the safer haven that is the second trimester (less than 2 weeks, please, please, please let me get there).

Part of me doesn't feel guilty about this because really it is unfair. And when choosing between going out and sociallizing with others and staying home, I prefer being home so I don't feel like I'm missing too much. But . . . guilt is a feeling that I hate to feel. I was born that way and for some reason I can't handle guilt well, and I feel bad for continuing to despise people who are just going about their business. So I thought about why going through all this was actually a good thing.

1. My babies are miracles. I know, I know, all babies are miracles. But mine are really here, against all odds. When you have a baby after years of IF (through treatment or adoption) it has to be so much more amazing than just having a baby whenever you want. That child is a precious gift that you thought you might never receive and I would imagine it is harder to take advantage of parenting that child after going through the hell of IF. I get to learn just exactly how special it really is to be a parent, because it wasn't easy. I can't compare this to normal parenting, because I've never done it, but for my mind, I'm going to say it's much better.

2. I got to see my babies when they were embryos. We've been to several ultrasounds, but really nothing has been as exciting as seeing the embryos. It was my first indication that hubby and I could make a living thing together after years of trying. They were even moving around on the screen. It was really amazing. It might have been more amazing because I was on some type of medication that makes you relax, but who cares? It was still awesome. My mom came to town and we can disgust random people by telling them that my mom watched us get pregnant, and there is nothing I love more in life than making other people feel weird (I know it's sick, but it's the small things, right?).

3. When our kids ask where babies come from, the answer will be much less graphic in nature and not at all anxiety inducing. Doctor's take special stuff from mommies and daddies and make babies in a special place at the hospital. Then the doctor's give the babies to mommies to make them grow, and that's where babies come from! See how simple that is? From working with children I've watched many a parent awkwardly explain things to their kids. We really won't be telling any lies to our children, that's really how they were made. Simple as that.

4. I got to find out how strong of a man I am married to and how supportive my family is. This usually happens to people under much worse circumstances, so I am grateful for this lesson.

That's all I have for now. If I come up with other good stuff later I'll let you know, but this is what I'm working with.

Holy Baby Bump

So, it's been a rocky few weeks. Several days of bleeding, my fosters moving with family members, getting back to therapy, struggling with my job, praying for the second trimester peace I hope for and getting thrown in the slammer hasn't done a whole lot for my mental health. Yesterday I was cramping and cramping all day. I mean hardcore cramping so I was thinking "great, why did I get off my anxiety meds again?"



Well, I was in for a most pleasant surprise. The cause of all the cramping was stretching, because I woke up to this:

This is at only 10 weeks and 1 day!! Hubby was leaving for work and lifted up my shirt to kiss the babies goodbye. He was like "holy crap!" I checked the mirror and couldn't believe it.

This is it a little after 4 weeks:

I was so excited and have been all day. I have been waiting for the bump to come in!!

So, it's been a bad run, but this really made me happy. As hubby says, "the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then!"

Thank you baby bump, I needed that. Countdown: Only 4 days until my first official OB appointment.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I have been MIA for almost a week (I know, crazy, right?). The events of the last week have been a little crazy. Like sliding down the rabbit hole into a paralel universe. I spent a morning at the therapist's office trying to figure out what is happening in my life.

We have been super bummed out that our foster kids are leaving us. They were to leave on the weekend and now they are gone. The house feels so weird without them. It's so quiet with just the two of us. And we were both so attached to the baby in particular that if feels wrong not to have Lil Bub here.

I am really struggling with my job. It is harder than I thought managing people. All I do is babysit adults and it is not fun. If only I had a money tree out back. Not to mention a health insurance tree, then I would be good to go! But this is life.

I have been feeling better and better about this pregnancy. My tummy is growing a little bump. I went one evening last week to a huge sale at Carter's and bought a bunch of unisex baby clothes. I was so excited and it felt so good to make that leap of faith and be able to see the future and one of the munchkins wearing the "I'm a hug waiting to happen" onesie I purchased.

As I was driving home I was rear ended. This actually pissed me off because only last week I had seen the babies heartbeats again and was so relieved and now I'm getting jolted in the back from someone not paying attention. And, of course, this person had no driver's license or insurance. I contacted the police for assistance. Long story short, I was pulled over a year and a half ago because my car tags were expired. I switched the tags the following week. It was such a hassle to change the tags that to be honest I spaced thinking I had anything else to do. I then got a letter from the state saying there was a warrant for my arrest and my license was to be suspended. I followed the directions given to me, got a reinstatement letter from the state and never heard from anyone again. Well, I guess I had more to do because I got arrested!!

I was upset but was assured that this happens all the time and I would just go with another officer to that city and pay my bail and leave. Two hours later, after I held my pregnant lady pee in to the point of excruciating pain, this other officer showed up. He did not ask questions, cuffed me behind my back, dicked around with the other officers while I almost peed myself, did not buckle my seatbelt although I had just been in an accident, and then proceeded to take me to the county jail because it was "closer." For all of you who are reading this and are not a criminal, you might not know that people who commit REAL crimes, not non moving traffic violations, go to the county jail. I finally got to pee when we got there, it was so painful I cannot describe it but there was no blood, THANK GOD!! The lovely officer whipped out my prenatals from my purse and asked what they were, as if I were carrying narcotics. I told him they were prenatal vitamins. Apparently having prenatal vitamins indicates that you are a pot head, because then he asked if I had any marijuana. I said no, although this didn't satisfy him, he made sure to tell me if I didn't tell him now it would be a felony.

Now, this whole time, my cramps are picking up in intensity. Also, I am thinking this is just a sick joke and I am waiting for Ashton Kutcher to tell me that I have been punked, even though I'm not a celebrity. Then the cell, yes I said CELL, doors were open and I had to go in, in a CELL, with real life criminals. Of course the water works began at this point. I sat with three other women who were discussing how many previous times they had been in jail and where the best places to steal from are. FYI, Home Depot seems to be an excellent place because the pawn shops will accept their gift cards. Unfortunately, in case you are planning this, Kohl's is a terrible place to steal from. I was then asked if I stole anything that day, to which my answer was bawling.

I was told I could see a nurse because I was terrified by the cramping. I saw a nurse after I was searched (violated I should say), fingerprinted, had a mug shot taken, signed off on my personal belongings and placed in another cell with a blanket and some new criminals were not at all upset they were in a CELL, unlike myself. I finally got to see the nurse. She was my angel! I was released about fifteen minutes after she spoke with her supervisor. She said to go directly to the ER. This ordeal lasted about 5 hours.

We went to the ER. I was shaking uncontrollably. A nurse wrapped me in a blanket, then two more blankets, then I received a bag of IV fluids. I was dehydrated, my blood pressure was high and my blood sugar was low. The ER doctor could not do an ultrasound, but tried to hear the heartbeats with his stethoscope. Nothing. I had to go home at 2 a.m. and wait until morning to see if the babies still had heartbeats. It was awful. I looked at all the new little items I bought and thought I would never see my babies in them.

The next morning we went to the ultrasound and both babies were doing awesome!! I wish I had pictures because it is the first ultrasound that the babies looked like more that a blob. I was so relieved I finally fell asleep, right there on the table. Both babies had heartbeats of 171 bpm and one was measuring right on target at 9w3d and the other at 9w1d.

I will take responsibility and say that I should have called and emailed and dug until I was 100% sure everything was taken care of. I just didn't know what I needed to do because this has NEVER happened to me. I am so angry that it did. I want to just move on and be happy the babies are okay, but what if I watch the news tomorrow and another woman went through this but wasn't so lucky as to have a baby that could handle all that? I would feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet for letting it go. I saw, dealt with and heard things I wish I had never been a part of, because of a misunderstanding with a non-moving traffic violation. It was so excessive and ridiculous and I was treated like a drug dealer or a bank robber by the officer who arrived at the the accident TWO hours after he was called.

But the babies are okay and my next appointment to see them is less than a week, on Monday. I am exhausted and still feel so confused. My therapist definitely has his work cut out for him! I'm so proud of my strong little monkeys. I'm so glad they're still in there. And it's all been taken care of, no more warrants for me!

But I'm also pissed. Really pissed.

I Did It After All

So, I decided to post the photos of the blobs anyway. After staring at them for awhile I did finally notice the difference. If you visit my first ultrasound post, it was taken at the same strength, so the babies are a lot bigger. So is my gut, but I don't think it's from the growing babies. Yesterday for lunch I ate an egg salad sandwich. Then another egg salad sandwich. Then a piece of cheesecake. Then another piece of cheesecake. Then two fun sized halloween candies. That was just my lunch. Someone commented on my "baby belly." I smiled, but wanted to say, it's called a fat ass!! It's not like a hard belly from babies growing, you could get a finger lost in there. We will take a 2 month belly picture tomorrow and I might post it depending on how embarassed I am.

The first photo is Twin B. Twin B is the blob getting smashed on the bottom. Twin B is definitely a sweet little boy. Twin A is obviously a girl who got a lot of genes from mama, a pushy bitch who isn't even about to let the little guy have a chance at the spot light. Aww, what a cutie!




Here is Twin A, in all her glory. You may notice that she is one day ahead of Twin B and is .4 mm bigger. That big black thing up top to the left is my bladder. As I mentioned before, I almost had to pee all over the expensive ultrasound equipment.

I feel good and confident today. I only had heartburn and a few headaches and a little wooziness here and there, but nothing crazy. I really would love to work out and didn't bleed today. So if the bleeding stays away for two straight weeks, I will get to begin working out again and I also hope to go to yoga on Sundays. We'll see how it goes.

I will have to have more ultrasounds than normal due to twins. I have a call in to my insurance company, but I have spoken with someone else with our insurance who had twins and they should be covering everyting. So I have a little love letter for them.

Dear Insurance Company (I will not name names, although I would really like to),

For the last two and a half years, I have suffered from infertility. It was deeply devastating to learn at 23 my body wasn't going to cooperate in babymaking. So I jumped on board willing to do anything I had to do. To add insult to injury, you didn't help out at all. My total, after my last appointment where I found out you didn't cover any blood tests because you don't recognize my RE's lab, is near to $23,000.00.

Now I am so joyously pregnant with twins. I can't tell you how satisfying it is to realize that is going to cost YOU a lot of money. This is exactly what you deserve for being stingy all these years.

Revenge is the best medicine. From my empty wallet to yours, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET JERKS!!!! I'll milk you for every penny, and enjoy every minute.

Love,

Ashley

P.S. I love you little monkeys. Please stay snuggled up in your well fed womb for the next 6 months or so!!

Graduation

Both monkey's are okay!! Phew. I almost had a heart attack while waiting in the parking lot at the RE's office. I got there a little early because I thought the earlier I got there the faster they would get me in. Except that didn't work because hubby got there right on time. I gave a few last minute shout outs to the universe while I was waiting, although in my mind I know that doesn't help anything but for some reason it helps us humans to beg a higher being to come through with a miracle. I also listened to my stomach growl which was straight up embarassing because it was 12:45 and I had already eaten three times.

We went in to the waiting room. Waiting rooms at an RE office are so weird. If you go to the OB's office, which I haven't gone to in a LONG time because it is traumatizing, everyone is fat and pregnant and happy. Sometimes they're pregnant and hauling around 3 other kids. Family practice doctor's are similar. But at the RE's office, it is dead silent. Nobody makes eye contact with anyone else. No one speaks to each other. Everyone will look at everything they can find besides another person in the room. Maybe it's because everyone can only imagine what is going to happen to the other people. Will that woman reading a magazine get major machinery stuck up her hoo ha? Willl that dude in the corner have to go jerk off down the hall? Or maybe everyone is just ashamed to have infertility. Or maybe everyone is so broken and beat down from this crappy journey that no one wants to speak anymore. It's hard for me because I want to talk to everyone in the waiting room! HELLO!! They are people like me! Not just online people (I love you people by the way, don't take it wrong), but in the flesh infertiles, the 20%, right before my eyes. We could swap stories, we could go to dinner and not talk about babies, we could do things that we wish all our friends did with us but they are not infertile and don't get it at all. I think about that when I look around the waiting room, but I have never violated the unspoken no talking/no eye contact rule in the RE waiting room.

Anywho, back to the point of the story. We got called back, she asked if I needed to pee, I said no I just had. I took off my pants and undies and wrapped a sheet around my lady part and my butt that is clearly only made for size 0-4 women because I can never get it all in. We went to the next room to wait for the ultrasound. It seemed like forever and I had to pee again bad. The nurse and Dr. B finally came in. She asked how I was doing and I just stared at her. Umm, I'm bleeding and scared to death, thanks, how are you? She got the point after I stared at her and said, oh yes, you must be so worried let's get in there and check it out! Duh. So she said both sacs are still in great shape, no evidence of them caving in or getting smaller. Then she measured Twin A. This moment in time shaved a good 5 years off of my life span. The measurement came out to 7w0d, when it should have been 8w5d. I leaned my head back and stopped looking knowing that this was the end. But then it just so happens she got a bad angle and Twin A (which is a girl, I'm telling you) actually came in at 8w2d with a strong heartbeat. Twin B was pretty much the same (which is a boy, because he is a little smaller and slower to get around, lazy like a man would be).

I had to take a few deep breaths to calm down. Then Dr. B announced that I have graduated! My next appointment will not be with them and I could go to Consult Room 4 to sign paperwork to leave their office. I can call them anytime I would like and they expect a birth announcement, but my next appointment will be the 19th with the OB. Oh yeah, and I had a balance of $665.00 for a sonohysto something or other when they checked my uterus for polyps and the blood tests that my insurance won't recogonize in their lab. Thanks infertility for taking one last jab at my wallet, I know you can't help yourself.

I know we are not out of the woods, but with two good ultrasounds down, almost being to 9 weeks, and getting released to an OB gives me tons of relief. I really wanted to go shop and buy myself or the babies a graduation present, but I am on pelvic rest. I can go to work and back as long as I sit on my ass while there, no lifting, no excessive walking or standing on my feet, no exercise and no sex for at least two weeks. I should make no extra unneccesary trips anywhere, if I can be on my back, I should be, even though she is not really worried about the bleeding and there is no cause for it that she can find. Hubby says he is happy to finally see a smile on my face again. But hearing their heartbeats and seeing that they had both grown over 10mm since last visit gave me some assurance. Their sacs are perfect and my cervix is long and closed (I knew closed was good, but didn't know anything about length)!

Thank goodness, I needed that! I would post the ultrasound pics, but they just look like blobs still. Twin B also didn't care to cooperate for photos so his picture kind of sucks.

Ah, it's nice to feel calmer. Crossing my fingers that it lasts!

Q: What is worse than wondering if you can get pregnant?

A: Wondering if you will stay pregnant.

I never knew this before. Honestly before I thought hearing other infertiles talk about pregnancy with so much anxiety was annoying. They are pregnant!! Isn't that the goal?

But it's not the goal. The goal is to hold a healthy baby in your arms and be a family. All the times I've waited from ovulation to test time to see if I got pregnant have not been harder than the two weeks between each ultrasound. And those were pretty heartbreaking, especially because every single time they were followed by disappointment. Last week, my morning sickness reached an all time high and I was miserable. I also went home from work crying one day because I was cramping and had just a touch of spotting. The OB said it would be weird for an IVF patient to never have any spotting. The IVF nurse said this is all okay, it happens. My uterus is growing twice the size of a normal uterus so that is why I have lots of cramping. Right. So I stuck by my goal of barely making it to my next ultrasound on Wednesday.

This morning I woke up around 5 a.m. with terrible pains. If I hold my pee too long, I get intense cramps down there, but peeing helps. I went to pee and there was brownish pink discharge on the tp. I really did not want to see that. I went back to bed and slept for two more hours before GQ yelled up that he wanted breakfast. I went pee again and no pink, just brown, still having cramps. Then I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling thinking of all the ways I have screwed this up. I went cold turkey off my anxiety meds. The birth of this new family member has sent me over the edge and also caused fights and discomfort between hubby and I. So I spent a good portion of last night crying over an argument with hubby so I knew that had to do it.

I got on the internet and the all knowing master internet said on every page I checked that there is no scientific evidence to the fact that miscarriage could ever be caused by stress, physical activity, or sex. So just because I cried and have been a basket case does not mean that the babies are done with me. Just because I spent a couple of hours at the pumpkin patch with the fosters doesn't mean I have ruined it all. Whew.

I am here to admit that I don't care about my goal. There will be no countdown for today. I already wrote the begging email to the RE's office to please see me tomorrow because there is no way my body or my mental health can make it to Wednesday. How I long for the second trimester!

Current forecast: still crampy with not quite clear, but not terrible tp checks. Well, there was one very bloody tp check but that was due to hemrhoids (how the hell do you spell that?). It's not from pregnancy, I always get them, which I know is totally sexy for a 25 year old.

*On a side note, you may notice that my backgrounds change quite a bit. This is not because I love my backgrounds, it's because I accidentally delete them every few weeks when trying to add/delete other things. I know, I know . . . .

Denial, Fear, and Guilt

These are the three things that I read are very common in an IVF pregnancy.



1. Denial - After many years of trying it is hard to believe that you are actually pregnant. You constantly question if this is real and can't believe the news even after many tests. Check!!



2. Fear - Fear that you will lost the pregnancy. Fear that you will do something to cause the pregnancy to end. Fear that something will be wrong with the baby. Fear about EVERYTHING. Check!!



3. Guilt - Many IVF patients feel they cannot complain about pregnancy symptoms or talk about it to friends out of guilt. Uh . . . . that would be a hell no for me. Would I trade wicked pregnancy symptoms for NOT being pregnant? Obviously not. But when I am laying on the floor of my bathroom, and mind you it's a very dirty bathroom, because I have just thrown up so vigorously that the chunks have hit the water and splashed back up into my face, I feel like IVF or not, I have every right to be upset and complain. I think I have a special right to complain actually. Karmically, it makes no sense that since I have paid $22,000 over the last several years with various attempts at trying to get pregnant somehow and then had to have surgery to actually get pregnant, I would think I could get a pass on the extreme morning sickness.

The first time I barfed I was so excited. Isn't that twisted? I was like "yes, it's real! I'm really pregnant!" The novelty wore off after Wednesday night when my stomach hurt all day and then I finally hurled violently. I couldn't even take out some saltines and water. So I went to the doctor, my OB actually. She prescribed Zofran and I did not vomit last night, just felt gross. I am pretty dizzy this morning, but still no vomit. So it might be good.

Here comes the fear part, hardcore! I spoke with the OB about my cramping. My nurse at the RE's office is pretty confident that it is all due to the fact the my uterus has to grow at double the pace of a singleton uterus. But I cannot help worrying my ass off everytime I feel the cramping. My lovely OB just happened to mention "vanishing twin syndrome" to me. She said it happens sometimes that at your first ultrasound you have twins and at the second there is only one because your body reabsorbed a twin. She says this to me perfectly calmly. I'm thinking she doesn't know what she's talking about because not only did I see two heartbeats, but we also heard them. And surely after you see and hear the heartbeats this doesn't happen, it could only happen to people who just saw sacs right? Wrong.

Of course it was only a few hours before I had to google this. I tried not to because vanishing twins weren't on my ginormous list of worries and I don't think I need to add anything else. **oops, had to take a moment away from the computer to vomit up my fruity pebbles. I guess the Zofran needs some more tries** Anyway, vanishing twins happens 30% of the time!!! Holy shit! Now I am in panic mode. At this point I have a 5% chance of miscarriage and that was at the top of my list, my hugest fear of all, and now I need to move vanishing 30% twins to the top!! Son of a bitch, who would have thought that one of the babies could just get sucked up into my body. Also, hasn't the OB ever heard of "ignorance is bliss?" I mean, HELLO!!!! I see that it is a good possibility, but I could have made it the next week without that knowledge.

I'm definitely calling the therapist today, this is getting out of control!

Countdown: 5 days until the next ultrasound! I need it like the desert needs rain bitches!