Judgemental Myrtle

I don't make New Years Resolutions. I don't care if there is a new year, I should always be trying to improve myself. For example, I wish I wasn't such a slob. But I don't care about that enough to try to fix it so it would be a waste of a resolution.

The one thing I wish I could change about myself is that I am super judgemental. I can't really help initial thoughts that pop into my head, I just wish there was something I could do to stop them from continuing from there. Or from starting at all, but that's kind of unnatural. Passing judgement is natural, but I think I do it WAY too often.

It's always been my nature. Since I was a teenager, for dating, I have a list. The list has approximately 37 things on it. When I would be out and about or if I had a date, I would always keep these things in mind. If the person had three or more things on the list (aside from a few zero tolerance things), then no matter how attracted I was to them or how much fun I was having there would be NO second date or future. Many people found this hilarious and just assumed I would end up single, but thanks to my list I am married to the best hubby ever. Obviously a success like this is great for my life, but bad for my want to change my judgemental nature because it completely validated it's importance.

As an infertile, I am very judgemental of pregnant people. Are they married? How much money do they make? Do they live at home with their parents? Do they provide benefits? What are they eating? Who are they dating? Did they plan this or was it an accident? All of these things are NONE of my business, but it happens nonetheless. Never in my life have I cared if people are married or not to have kids. I think I just do this because I want to feel better that it took us forever but at least we have met all the "requirements." But there aren't any requirements and being married doesn't mean that you are a good parent, I know that. And some people don't even get the chance to be married, like gay people, which that completely pisses me off (as you may know from previous posts).

Not only am I judgemental, but I am a hypocrite. I am completely non-judgemental of infertile people. I feel like we deserve all the free passes we can get. I don't care about money or living situations or anything, I think infertile people should get to do whatever they want. Actually, I take that back, I have a huge peeve of people who transfer tons of embryos, but we won't get into that. But that's it. Otherwise, if a person is infertile, they can do no wrong to me. I am also more lenient on people who have less money and have had a tough life, who are Democrats, etc.

I know that passing judgement is completely normal. But I don't feel that my level of judgement is normal. It's normal for me, but it would be freeing to just accept everyone as they are. Does this actually happen? Does anyone do this? I feel like it's a worthless resolution to make because it would probably require a brain transplant.

I want to be less judgemental for when the babies come out. I want to be the parent that says "as long as my child is happy and healthy, I will be proud." But that's not true. There are a lot of things that would make me disappointed. I know I will be judgemental of myself, if I'm doing things right, or if I screwed up my kid. When I go to therapy I talk about these things, but he says this is all normal human behavior.

But is it really??

5 Month Stats

This is coming 2 days early:

TTC: 2.5 years, got knocked up the 30th cycle
What: Twins, a boy and a girl
How I am feeling: Very sleepy and hips starting to hurt from the added weight. But I changed my diet from fast food 24/7 (yummy) to healthy stuff and I am feeling much better!!
Weight gain: 17.6 pounds
Milestones: We have been bumped up to 2 specialist visits per month. I got pictures of the babies faces today! They went from little balls bouncing around in their sacs to being smooshed in the sacs. So cute! Still waiting on consistent movement from them . . . .
Cravings: None right now!
Signs of labor: NO!! Thank goodness. I got violated today and my cervix is still closed up tight.



We will be celebrating the holidays, I hope everyone has a great week!!

Name Change

I have been thinking about doing this for awhile, but haven't had the balls to do it yet. The name of my blog is changing!!

Infertility has left a scar on me. I feel so much joy now that we are going to be parents, but I think it will be awhile before I will forget what infertility did to me. Hubby and I went out to dinner and bought the babies some gifts for our Happy Half Baked Day. We were chatting about our excitement and how it was so hard for me to believe this is finally happening. That seems like a dumb thing to say since it's been happening for over 19 weeks, but it is just hard to grasp the reality. Hubby thinks I need to move on from infertility and just forget about it. Wouldn't that be nice? Although I feel super blessed that we are now pregnant and all the joys we are experiencing, when people announce pregnancies or send us birth announcements it still bothers me. Not nearly as much, but it still does. I am fully aware that life isn't fair and I don't wish going through ART procedures on anyone, it seems insane that people get pregnant from having sex. I don't think I will ever get over it. Everytime I think about it, it blows my mind.

BUT . . . . I am going to change the name of this blog! From (In)Fertile Myrtle to . . .

Artificially Fertile Myrtle

In order to be more positive, I am going to think of myself as fertile. Because I am, once we found the right procedure. I'll never be someone who says "oh, I get pregnant everytime the wind blows" or "I even get pregnant on birth control," but I am fertile in a sense that I am going to have children. Just like the day I had just failed our final IUI. It was freezing balls and I was at the grocery store and I just pulled into a spot thinking it was a little bit of luck to ease my pain that I got a great parking spot on a weekend. Nope! It was the "Expecting Mother" parking spot. My first instinct was to cry and cry. My next instinct was to park in it anyway, but I was expecting to be a mother, even though I didn't know if it would be from IVF or adoption. :) And I was right.

Halfway!!!

Today is a big day! I am half baked for my 38 weeks of twin pregnancy! Next week I will be 5 months pregnant. It is so unbelievable. Going into my first IVF I was very hopeful, but also fully aware of all the possibilities. Many times a person has to do more than one IVF, chemical pregnancies are pretty common, and the worst would be to experience a loss. I can't imagine it. But I did imagine it before we went into this. In two and a half years, I had never been able to get pregnant so who was to know if I could stay pregnant or not? After failure upon failure, I had no idea what would happen to us. Maybe my eggs would be terrible quality or maybe we had genetic issues. With IVF, you learn so much more about your body than just doing Clomid or IUI's because they really get to see what they are working with. Maybe we would walk in and we would have no eggs at all of any quality. It was exciting, but also terrifying. We could learn that it is just not possible for us to have biological children, period.

I have been super tired and it takes at least three hits on the snooze button to start to wake up. But today I woke right up because I remembered the halfway mark. I went from using the Baby Beat everyday, to now maybe once or twice a week. I almost always do it with hubby there so that we can both hear them, I don't want him to miss anything. And in the back of my Debbie Downer mind I worry that I will be alone if I can't find a heartbeat and I don't want that either. I need hubby for those things. I checked on my own today and they were both there, in their usual spots, hearts beating away. Still trucking through everything. I now go to ultrasounds to pick out body parts, not to see if they are still alive.

We've made it halfway!! I really think we will make it all the way to the end now. So bizarre that this is happening to me . . . .

Donut Flavored Vegetables

This is what I really need. I have never really enjoyed veggies, but used to at least eat them in powdered form blended into a mixed berry and pomegranate juice shake. French fry flavored veggies would be good too. I NEED to eat better, starting now. After Burger King for lunch, I ate fresh grapefruit. I feel like I'm going to barf. I at least used to enjoy fruit, but not since pregnancy! But I slept for 14 hours last night and I know my tiredness is a result of my disgusting eating habits. I don't really need sugar, just tons of meat and salt.

When you are pregnant there are a gazillion restrictions. A new addiction I've acquired since pregnancy is drinking pop. I never drink pop, but now I need it everyday. That is a big no-no. It has caffeine in it, which is bad. Real pop has too much sugar and diet pop has aspartame, which is also a no no. Yet I drink it. Soft cheeses are bad. I am craving goat cheese bruschetta but I haven't eaten it. I will admit that I have not denied the feta or blue cheese that is added to a salad. Naughty. Although I truly love hot dogs, I have not had any since pregnancy. But I have had lunch meat, which carries the risk of listeria. I use Palmer's Cocoa Butter for stretch marks once a day on my itchy tummy. I was just told yesterday that it registers a level 6 out of 10 on a danger scale. I get tons of ultrasounds, which could also cause harm, I think one kid in history became deaf from them. I almost forgot, I just realized that my face moisturizer has salycilic acid in it. My babies don't stand a chance!!

So what I am saying is, I'm a terrible mom already. I don't really believe this, but the judgemental mommies of the world look at me with horror. Someone asked me, "what has been the hardest for you to give up?" Sadly, the only thing I have given up is vodka. And chiropractic adjustments. Otherwise, I have carried on. This person obviously looked at me like I'm the devil. Which I am.

I have carefully looked for deformities in my children due to my consumption of turkey sandwiches and Diet Coke. We haven't found any. I love my babies very much, but propaganda or not, I just really like turkey sandwiches, is that so wrong? Obviously the babies love turkey sandwiches because they always sound good. But the evil eye I receive from other women makes me a touch paranoid. I guess I have never looked at a child in my program who is wild or misbehaves and thinks "ugh, that mother clearly consumed hot dogs while pregnant."

But I will give it a try, I will try to eat healthier. I bought caffeine free diet coke, which still has aspartame, but it's a step in the right direction. I am going to try to gather enough energy to attend water aerobics. And yes, I will be rocking a bikini. I have gained 12 pounds as of my last OB appointment (I refuse to weigh myself at home) so we will see what happens next Monday.

Mystery of the day: I work in a school that has 100% automatic flushing toilets. Why, then, is there child pee in most of the toilets just marinating in the bathroom everyday? If the toilets flush automatically, shouldn't there be no lingering pee? Weird!

To Child Birth Class or Not to Child Birth Class?

I have registered for the "Marvelous Multiples" childbirth class, but not officially, because I haven't paid for it yet. I feel like I should really do this, but I had an experience that has traumatized me.

I watched FOUR hours of childbirth videos on YouTube.

DON'T do this, EVER. You will be scarred for life, just like I am. I did this because I joined a board of normal fertiles. Some are very passionate about natural childbirth. I figured babies must come out really effed up if you take an epidural, otherwise why would these women be so passionate about it? So I decided to do my own research. As a result, natural birth is not even an option for me. Also, if you need to know, all the babies were the same whether you had an epidural, c-section, or not.

I want to take the class, but my YouTube experiment freaked me out! It will be so real and scary when I actually go to the class. Or it will be nice because I will go into labor with some information. It would also be fun for hubby and I to do together and meet some other moms of multiples to be. But my hormones are not to be trusted at this time. What seems like a good idea, could lead to me crying my eyeballs out and developing a larger fear of childbirth. I have not read any books people have suggested or swore that I should read before children because I feel that it's best to wing it. But winging it in this situation might be bad.

So, what is your vote? Do I go to the class, or is ignorance bliss??

Post-Baby PCOS Instructions

The munchkins aren't even out yet, but I had received advice from the RE about what to do with myself after they are born. The message:

"Get on birth control and stay on it!!"

This is supposed to help a lot with PCOS. The two worst things associated with it are diabetes and heart disease, two things I don't want. BUT - other than cysts on my ovaries and irregular periods, I have NONE of the other symptoms! Before IVF I went to the endocrinologist to have her test for everything that could be associated with it; blood sugar issues, testosterone issues, thyroid issues, or any other hormonal dysfunction that could be related to PCOS and infertility. They took 7 vials of blood. All tests came back beautifully, I am the picture of perfect health.

I don't have a problem with birth control. In fact, I never gain weight on it and can keep my weight regulated easily while on it. I like the "control" part as well. Even after all we have been through, the thought of an unplanned pregnancy doesn't excite me. Although I love babies and can't wait to be a mama, I don't think becoming accidentally pregnant 3 months after giving birth to twins is something that would make me feel very excited. But maybe someday in the future I would like it.

I know there are a ton of speculated causes of PCOS. Diet, lifestyle, hormone imbalances, genetics or a combo of these. BUT - I blame the birth control! Before birth control pills, I did not have irregular cycles. Painful, yes, but not irregular. I was like clockwork. I was physically fit, I did not have acne issues. I don't want to get on pills that mess up body. I took lots of herbs and had a special diet for over a year and it had no effect on me having ovarian cysts. I also think PCOS is a blanket diagnosis and PCOS is actually a bunch of different diseases that we don't have names for yet.

I know it seems silly to think about birth control after not being able to get pregnant without major medical intervention, but I want to make a decision. I've noticed on other boards/blogs that surprise babies seem to come relatively quickly after a successful treatment. Or maybe I'll never worry about it because no matter what I can't be pregnant without IVF. We only have one frozen embryo and odds aren't great with those. Although, my clinic only freezes excellent quality embryos so it is a day 6 fully expanded blast (it doesn't get better than that). And maybe I will never want to have any more kids, 2 is plenty right? And the weight management associated with bcps is nice.

I don't know, I guess I will worry about getting these two out safely and by that time I will have a decision!! Next Wednesday I will be at the halfway point of my twin pregnancy (not quite halfway for a singleton). And then on to the big turning point, viability at 24 weeks!! (although these monkeys better not even think about coming out at that time!!!!!)

I'll Take the Combo Please

It is offically a combo, a little boy and girl!! I haven't cried at any ultrasounds yet, although in my previous life I thought at the sight of a heartbeat I'd be a hot crying mess. It's been so surreal it hasn't happened, but seeing two healthy babies in my tummy that will be my son and daughter made me a little misty eyed.

I already feel like a bad mom at the sight of this:

This is my baby girl! I watched her brother repeatedly kick her in the head. She is in a position where she is always trying to look right at us at ultrasounds. She still looks like skeletor face and chunky body, but I just know she is going to be adorable. Anyway, she looks like she is reaching out to me to help her!! I thought she looked very uncomfortable but the doctor said she will be fine. But I feel bad not helping her, I just eat and sleep. Bad mommy!

The good news is that the specialist did not think that my placenta will be an issue. The bad news is that at only 18 weeks, my twice weekly cervical checks have commenced. This occurs two and a half months later in a singleton pregnancy. I guess it's balanced though, twice the fun, but twice the violations!!

I haven't bought much because luckily I have been offered many hand-me-downs from moms of girls. I couldn't resist a little pink dress with white polka dots though. I will also be carefully watching the blog of a wonderful online friend because her daughter dresses SO cute so I need to copy her (I won't name any names, but I "met" her on Resolve and she has a beautiful daughter that starts with the letter "R").

Aaah, feeling much better. Didn't I tell you an ultrasound would help?

Maternity Clothes and Baby Books

My grandma so kindly bought me some maternity tops a few weeks ago and I love them. They are comfortable and they help people figure out if I am acutally pregnant or have just been storing up a hefty fat supply for the winter. A friend also gave me some clothes, but she is so tiny that even her maternity things are just a little too small for me. I do not want to be spending money on maternity clothes because I don't ever plan on doing this again. I combed Craig's List looking for a "lot" of used maternity clothes for a good deal. There were a few but they were all small or medium. What?? Don't medium to large ladies have babies and sell their clothes on Craig's List?

So off I go today because I actually have some energy for the first time in a long time to buy some more tops! I am cool with two pairs of jeans and a pair of black pants, but I need shirts. The above photo is of my maternity jeans. SEXY!! I look like Tweedle Dum walking around in them before I pick out a shirt, but they are ridiculously comfortable. I don't think I will ever wear non-elastic band pants with zippers ever again.

Now that I am comfortable being pregnant and don't use the Baby Beat everyday or think gloomy thoughts about what could happen to me or the babies, I am ready to put together a pregnancy book. They have really cute ones ready to go in stores, but they're not really for infertile people who did IVF. There are slots of u/s photos, but not for embryo pictures. I love that we have pictures of our babies as embryos! It's just something really special that we got out of a shitty journey. They also don't have slots for emails from the fertility clinic with my beta numbers wishing us congratulations. Also something that I'd like to save forever. So I am going to go Martha Stewart style and make my own baby book. It's a better place for the ultrasound photos than the mismanaged accumulating pile on the kitchen table.

Better!

Okay, I had a lovely chat with my therapist and he gave me some new perspective to hold onto. He also told me that infertility probably makes it worse, but that mind consuming fears are normal in all pregnancies. We talked a lot about my job which is STRESSING me out. I am just not sure what my dream job would be, but I know this is not it. My sweet hubby is working his rear off for a better financial situation so maybe in awhile I can stay home with the monkey's until I figure out what to do. I don't necessarily need to not work, it would just be nice to go to a job that I look forward to and that makes me feel rewarded, instead of like pieces of my unused brain are slowly dying off. I left work crying yesterday because I'm so tired of it. I don't get a ton of joy out of it, but I do have job so that is looking on the bright side. Hubby bought me tickets to the Nutcracker to make me feel better. Not to mention, I only have four months left until maternity leave, woo hoo!!

The kids at work do make me laugh. My boobs are getting pretty big these days. I don't really want to buy a new bra because a 36DD seemed big enough for the last 10 years of my life, but it looks like I will need bigger! One of the 4 year old kiddos who loves boobs looked down my shirt and said "whoa!" Obviously I told him that is not appropriate (just like the other times that I have actually had to talk to him about grabbing them), but then I had to laugh. Trust me, it's a little scary! Another child came out with two cones in his hands, put them on his chest, stood next to me and said "I'm Mrs. Big Boobs." Nice. Don't ask me what's wrong with kids today, because I don't know!! But they are pretty funny.

It's way past my bedtime being 8:45 p.m. so I gotta hit the showers!! Less than 7 full days until I get to see the babies and see if that was a vajayjay after all on Baby B!

Emotional

I am going to have to take a break from the funny stuff and the sexy naked chests to admit that I am getting a little crazy. Yes, I know, I'm already crazy, but in the last few weeks I've been feeling weird. Just emotional and kind of angry and extremely exhausted. But the exhaustion is not just physical, but emotional as well.

This is hard to write out because a lot of my good blogging friends are still on the trail. If I were you and reading what I am going to write, I would be like "what a bitch, she has what I've been working for, who is she to complain?" Which is fair. If I were normal, I would not feel guilty about this, but being infertile changes you and how you think about things. So, I'm about to whine my ass off, if you can't tolerate it, you have been warned (and I understand)!

I don't tend to really like people and would mostly prefer to be away from others (except at night, I don't like to sleep in my house alone). This has intensified big time in the last few months. It went from not really liking people, to the thought of having to be around others enough to make me crawl in my bed and not come out for hours. It has made my job very difficult. I don't know why this got so much worse recently, but it did.

I'm confused. Not like "pregnancy brain" that fertiles talk about all the time. I don't leave my keys in the car or anything, but it's like a sense of not having a grip on reality. Everytime I lay down or drift off at home or when I go to the bathroom at work I lift up my shirt to check the mirror. I feel like this can't be happening. I could understand this if I were still at 7 or 8 weeks, but I am almost 17 weeks pregnant. I've had tons of ultrasounds, but I can't wrap my mind around it. I loathe child birth and breastfeeding conversations and I thought it was because people are so annoying and full of it when chatting about this, but it's because I don't see it as MY reality. I feel like I've stepped into someone else's body and am going through the motions of someone else's life. I completely blame infertility for this (and partially blame the adjustment disorder my therapist diagnosed me with). When I started trying to get pregnant the doctor didn't there would be any issues. It would take about 4 months she said and good luck. Then I went in and the thought I had PCOS and I didn't even need Clomid but I begged her to give it to me. Everyone was baffled when that didn't work. I was given huge odds of success with IUI's. I just think that people can now tell me something, but I don't even think of it as being true. I have honestly wondered if my growing belly is a tumor and not babies. Psycho!! I always thought I would cry at that first sound of a beating heart, but I watch these things happen and I don't connect it to myself.

I'm emotionally drained. I worry all the time. I worry about the babies. I worry about myself and if I'm never going to be me again, but just a big confused, angry mess. I worry about normal pregnant people stuff, like will I survive labor and what if the monkey's come out looking like aliens. What if the monkeys don't even make it to labor?! What if something is terribly wrong with the monkeys?!! What if I become psycho mom? What if my relationship changes forever, which of course it will, but I mean for the worse?

I am flat out pissed off. I feel like I have been pregnant for two years because that is about how long I've had fake hormones flowing through my veins. I feel pissed because I am not myself. At Thanksgiving there were so many babies and instead of enjoying it I was pissed and sad and thinking that should be me! I should have healthy babies in my arms. I am pissed because I have to worry constantly. I am so thankful for my infertile friends, but just reading and hearing their experiences with loss have scarred me for life and made me feel like just because I struggled to get pregnant something terrible is bound to happen. I am pissed because had I not had to spend all my savings on infertility treatments I could probably stay at home for a whole year with my new babies.

And the fact that I am feeling all this makes me feel even worse to the point of sometimes just bursting into tears, even in public. I want these babies more than anything and if I had to do all of this again, of course I would do it. I feel so guilty for having two babies in my body and still feeling all these emotions. I feel like it's this huge sign that I will be the worst mom ever because I am thinking about myself so much. Aren't I supposed to be thinking only about them now? Isn't that the normal instinct? I burst into tears just feeling overwhelmed before I wrote this. I don't feel the babies often yet, but I could feel them moving. Just like they are trying to tell me to get over myself, they are here now, or that everything is going to be okay, or both.

I have another ultrasound in a week and 2 days. Those always pull me into reality a little bit more and make me feel good for awhile. Yep, ultrasounds are a good thing. Knowing that this is going well and that my babies are healthy is the best. A fairy godmother who could tell me that everything is going to be perfect would work too.

The Belly Parade

I am 16 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Below are my belly photos! I am trying to avoid stretch marks, even though my logical brain says it is impossible. Today I was extremely tired for some reason and slept all day only to get out of bed and shower tonight around 5:30 p.m. And no, I did not do any Black Friday shopping. That involves lots of people and I don't care much for lots of people. Back to the point, each time I wake up I do a mirror check to be sure that I haven't dreamt up this pregnancy. My evening mirror check showed MASSIVE stretch marks, long and deep! I was about to panic when I realized that they were actually dents in my skin from the sheets. That's what I get!!

Here they are:

4 Week Bump

10 Week Bump

12 Week Bump

16 Week Bump

This is the first non clothing bump because it is finally nice and round. Before it had a dent in it, like it wasn't sure if it was still going to attempt to stay flat and it was NOT attractive.

Yum.

Teen Heartthrobs

I saw "New Moon" last night. I had heard of the books awhile back and thought they looked ridiculous. One day I had strep and was at Target getting my prescription when I saw Twilight on sale for $6. Due to the cost I thought I'd check it out. I read the whole book that day and the entire series in two weeks. The 4th book is a little too freaky for me but I loved the rest.

When Twilight came out in the theatres I made hubby go opening night. The movie was so cheesy and everytime Edward came on girls were screaming and sighing and hubby would just give me the evil eye, so I avoided New Moon on opening weekend.

The movie was lame, but holy moley, that fine young werewolf man was worth the two hours. He was just delicious! I would go camping a lot more if a bunch of guys that looked like that were running around half naked in the woods. Hubby had to start covering my eyes because I was about to drool all over myself. Every perfect, dark muscle showing. Wow . . .

And then to ruin it all, Edward took off his shirt. Really Edward? You are in a movie with a hot little piece of sexy shirtless man-boy and you are gonna take off your shirt? Scrawny, pale, hairy nipples are not attractive, especially compared to ripped, tanned, and manscaped chests. Also, Edward, please get a haircut and use shampoo. You look like you got off of a 3 day bender in which you spent half of it in an alley somewhere. Ugh, so disappointed . . . .

If you've ever heard the saying "don't throw stones in a glass house," I will admit that I'm the glass house right now. I really shouldn't be questioning anyone's nudity. NOBODY is lining up around the block to see me topless. Between the national geographic boobs and my protruding belly, I look like an orangutang naked!! I just have to work with my sparkling personality, it's all I've got left.

I really wanted to see "The Blind Side," especially because I am/was a foster parent. But unless the homeless kid suddenly starts being played by a shirtless Taylor Lautner, I don't think I'm interested anymore.

The Question

I have always been very open about my infertility to anyone. But now that I have twins in me, it is like having a big sign on my forehead that says "I did fertility treatments." Sometimes it irritates me, and at other times I am my usual self telling people the gory details (yes ma'am, my babies were made in a dish) to watch people squirm with discomfort trying to figure out how to proceed. As I've mentioned before, making people feel uncomfortable is kind of a sick pleasure I have as a hobby.

At work last week we had a large meeting. My boss wanted to announce my pregnancy to everyone. Considering the fact I have shouted it from the rooftops this shouldn't seem odd but I HATE announcing it to random people. Why you might ask? People think preggos are public property. They either tell you their unsolicited advice (see previous post), ask you personal questions like "are you doing to breastfeed," rub on your belly, or slobber all over you because it's so sweet and cute.

I am comfortable with NONE of this. First of all, I don't care about your opinion unless I have explicitly asked for it. Second of all, hold up, my breasts, my business! Don't look at them, talk about them, or think about them. What I do with my boobies is not your concern. Third, do NOT touch me unless you've asked and I've allowed it.

And then the question. People ask this because then they know if you are just a super baby maker or if your babies are "test tube" babies (ick, I hate that!).

"Do twins run in your family?"

I answer this differently everytime. Sometimes it makes me feel irritated, sometimes I just answer, and sometimes I am actually sad. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to death about my two babies and thank the universe everyday for them. We feel really blessed to be having two monkey's at once. But it's kind of a reminder that I won't ever be normal after infertility. But who needs to be normal? Did I ever actually consider myself "normal"?

I've tried to think of something snarky to say back to make me feel satisfied. A friend helped me with this. So here we go:

Nosy knob :"Oh how wonderful! Do twins run in your family?"

Me: "They do now bitch!" :)

In the Land of Fertiles

I am in the second trimester and things appear to be pretty lovely. I have ventured out of my tight knit circle of infertile friends a bit to test the water with fertiles. I joined a Due Date Club on a large parenting, childbirth, pregnancy board. This is my attempt to be normal. I can chat guilt free about how awful I am feeling. I can be just like a fertile, with years of sadness erased and stupid bliss written all over me. I thought I would find some comraderie and normalcy (and I did find some very supportive and wonderful individuals), but what I actually found was a bunch of crazy bitches!!

I am not kidding you, these people will claw your eyeballs out over breastfeeding and car seats. They will rip you a new a-hole for getting an epidural. They will fight until the death with you because how on earth could you have a child and still be pro-choice? God forbid you vaccinate or not vaccinate your child. And public school? I never knew how awful it was to have a child and send it to school and then have rules. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Rules are only for one type of child and all children can't be expected to have them. And really, only good moms homeschool their children. The rest of you are just losers. And please, not only do excellent moms whip out their boobs and breastfeed in public, they also only use cloth diapers.

I have learned that once you procreate, you are now an expert on all things children and babies. Whatever you do for your child is what every single human on the planet should be doing with their child! Duh! Am I going to become like this? I am going to lose the thought that this is an excellent gift for me to cherish after years of struggle so that I can become a pretentious- super mom- know it all- procreator? Will I be so enraptured by the birth of my sweet babies that I will not notice the portion of my brain that provides logical thought processes in the trash with my placenta?

So, my infertile friends, I will tell you if you ever felt crazy for locking yourself in the OB/GYN office because the sight of pregnant bellies takes the wind out of you, for taking a vacation during Halloween so that you don't have to suffer the emotional distress of all the sweet kiddos in their cute costumes, for feeling paranoid when your girlfriend goes out with you but won't drink a glass of wine, for not being friends with newlyweds because they might spring the news on you at anytime, for meticulously planning your work schedule so you don't have to be in the hallway at the same time as pregnant coworkers, or the million other things I have felt like a nut job for going through infertility, you have NOTHING on a fertile woman!!

And let's not even go into the women whining about how they are struggling to conceive baby #7 . . . yep, that's not a joke! But I will admit I'm addicted. Reading these peoples posts are like watching the paternity tests on Maury, you feel like a loser, but you just can't get enough!

I will leave you with this, a child who was clearly fed the toxic poison we call infant formula . . . :)

The Twins as Art

My kids at work are very excited about the babies. They color them pictures all the time, but this week I was given this art project. It is the twins in clay. They have pink and blue blankets because one is a boy and one is a girl just like I am dreaming of! I am going to put them in a shadow box and hang it in the babies room and keep it forever, I think it is the cutest thing!

I also think it was a good luck charm because at my OB appointment yesterday it was confirmed that Baby A is a boy!! Baby B is most likely a girl but the tech would not guarantee a girl at only 15 weeks. I can't believe I am having a son. I am so excited. I am really hoping that Baby B is a girl but we will have to wait and see for sure on December 8th. Of course now that I know at least one sex is shopping has commenced. I bought 2 pair of pants (sweat pants and camo pants) and 7 onesies. One of them says "I Love My Mommy." I will make this little boy a mama's boy. Hubby is also very excited we are having a son, as he thought we were going to have two girls.

The OB decided she should rain on my parade. I've been on cloud nine since yesterday and she called and left a message saying I need to call her back. My heart dropped thinking that something was wrong with one of the monkey's. I called back right away. It appears that I might have placenta previa. We won't know for sure until the specialist appointment on December 8th. I'm not sure if I should be okay or terrified. She told me if I do in fact have placenta previa, it could mean bleeding, earlier bedrest, earlier delivery, and definitely a c-section (not that I mind that). Of course I set out to ask everyone I know about this and have heard all kinds of stories from it corrected itself, to the person had some bedrest and an early delivery and all was well, to many weeks of hospitalization followed by a very early delivery. And no working out or sex. Although this doesn't really fit into the dreams I had of pregnancy, as long as my babies will be fine I will live.

So . . . . on December 8th we will be looking for a vajayjay and a placenta that is FAR away from my cervix! Cross your fingers!

Second Trimester

I've made it. I actually made it 4 days ago. It's unbelievable to me. I went to the first specialist appointment scared. I still use the Baby Beat everyday (sometimes twice). When I watch the ultrasounds happening on the screen, I feel like it is happening to someone else. When I was dreaming of the day that I would see a little heartbeat, I imagined crying my eyeballs out with joy. I haven't shed one tear because I am still in shock.

But I've made it to the second trimester. The fact that I am still truckin' along is so bizarre to me. I did many things to make it believable. Things that are actually considered taboo in the infertile world. I can't tell you how many posts I have seen on my infertility board about how these women can just not believe that anyone would tell people they are pregnant at 8 weeks or anytime before the first trimester is over. We shouted it from the rooftops at 4 weeks. I have a baby box and have bought baby items. I also bought maternity pants before the second trimester came along (although I didn't have much of a choice). We've picked out names, furniture, and began getting the house ready.

But it still seems like a dream. This is the only time we will experience this and I want reality to hit soon, but it just hasn't. I keep buying things and talking about it, so I'm hoping to get hit with it very soon. I will even share the loot with you!

This is the baby box. It was a gift from my grandparents the day we got our first positive beta test. My grandparents gave us the little trinkets, I bought the little jammies, and yes, I peed on 5 pregnancy tests of which I will save for the rest of my life.

This is just one of the onesies I've purchased. I also have a 5 pack of plain white ones, a pack of 3 socks (although now that we are having twins that's not really adequate), and 4 pair of pants. All unisex of course. Oh yeah, and two sleep sacks.

Our first package of diapers. We have received the advice of several people that everytime we go to the store we should pick up a pack of diapers. For some odd reason, this was the one thing I wasn't comfortable with until the second trimester. I knew I would keep my pee sticks forever. I could always give the clothes to someone as gift or give them to my foster agency in the event of a tragedy. But diapers are too personal and I couldn't bring myself to buy them. Today I did it, my first package of Pampers! 36 little diapies for 8.99 (good God that's crazy).

I can't believe this is happening to me . . . .

6 Years

Today, November 13th, marks 6 years of hubby and I being together! This is not our marriage anniversary, but the anniversary of the time that we stood outside his duplex and he asked how I felt about us being together as a couple. We've rarely ever been apart since that day!

This is the first time I met his family. He didn't tell me he was going to invite me, we went to Wendy's to grab a snack and then all of a sudden he was like "do you want to come over to my family's for Christmas?" It was so awkward because I didn't plan what I was wearing or bring anything! Although this was my second midwestern Christmas (in from New Mexico), you can see I didn't bother wearing tights or discontinuing my tanning bed use although it was winter.

This is our first vacation together in May of 2004. We took a cruise to the Grand Cayman Islands and Jamaica. The first few days of adjusting to each other were not cool, but then we ended up having a great time.

This is where we got engaged, on a beach in San Diego. He had the ring in one of his shoes the whole time. I wondered while we were at the airport why he was so attached to the shoe bag instead of giving me hell for a whole bag devoted entirely to shoes. I never actually said yes, I took the ring because I thought he was teasing me and when I figured out it was real I just gave him a hug and a kiss.

We got married June 2, 2007 and headed off to Hawaii for a week. We were supposed to go to St. Lucia but we didn't get our passports in time so two days before the wedding we had to completely change our plans. It was a good decision though because it was beautiful and we had the best time!

And now we're having babies!! I am going to get really corny on you and tell you that I knew he was the man I wanted to make babies with since not long after his little speech in the driveway 6 years ago.

I love you hubby!

Civil Rights and Religion

I've been waiting for one of you! As you can tell from my last post, I am pro-gay rights. And I don't even like to say that because I am really pro-human rights. If I have a right as a citizen, I expect ALL other citizens to share that right. I knew there would be someone who would feel the need to tell me that they too are prejudiced and have the right to judge another lifestyle to a point that they don't deserve the same rights as you. This is kind of a silly thing to do, but as I said, I knew someone would. Here goes . . . .

From Anonymous:

I'm a fellow stalker as well. Luv ur blog and ur willingess to share your journey, especially with us that are barely beginning this crazy process. As far as this post is concerned, I am against gay marriage. Why? Because I believe that marriage is ordained of God. However, I do believe domestic partners should be entitled to the same rights that married couples are. Do I have to be the perfect Christian to have this opinion? Anyone that proclaims something can be dubbed a hypocrite because we are all human and we are ALL guilty of saying one thing and doing another.

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for reading my blog! I'm sorry that you found yourself here, though, because that probably means that you are struggling with building your family. But we'll get back to that . .

You do not have to be a perfect Christian to have this opinion. You could be anyone and have this opinion. But Christian or not, you are a bigot for thinking it. People who vote against another's right to celebrate their love are people who are a detriment to a peaceful and fair society. Telling me that you believe that someone doesn't deserve what you have because of God does nothing for me. People do very strange things in the name of God. A man right here in this state killed his two friends and ate them because God told him to. As we all know, this would not be the first person to take a human life in the name of God. People all over the place take young girls for wives and use them for sex in the name of God. There are portions of the Bible that are beautiful and there are disgusting portions of the Bible as well (yes, I have read it). If you really read and understood the beautiful parts, you would know that this is wrong. I am judgemental too. I am judgemental towards people who take what could be beautiful and spiritual and turn it to something ugly. But I don't take my judgements to the voting booths to make someone else feel like lesser of a person because we do not have the same bedroom habits. That's the difference. I will actually admit that I am extremely judgemental, but I would never make someone feel terrible about themselves because of how they are born. That is wrong. That is wrong for anyone, Christian or not. I would never take away your right to be a Christian just because I think it's not right what can go on as a result of your religion. If you are a Christian in a full and true sense, you would open your arms and the arms of God to someone who wants to be a believer and celebrate love for another human being. And to say that you don't believe they should be able to get married but deserve rights (what?) is the same as someone who just said something racist and then says "but I'm not racist or anything, I have friend who is black."

That being said, I hope that if you are suffering right now because you want to have a family and it is difficult,that all of your dreams come true. Nobody deserves to go through this. I don't care who it is, when I hear of this suffering it makes me sad because I know how awful it is. I will think about you, although I have idea who you are, and hope that your journey is short. I will also hope that you will make it through without having one of your Christian friends who does not understand your journey tell you that babies are a gift from God, and if you haven't been chosen for this gift you are undeserving and God is trying to tell you He doesn't want you to be a mother (yes, this has happened to me on more than one occasion).

Best wishes,

Ashley

That's that! If you're reading this and don't like it, find someone else's soul to peer into on their journey and please don't bother writing a comment. There are some things that I can understand why there are differences of opinion. This is not one of them.

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion." - Abraham Lincoln, one of the greatest of all U.S. presidents and a firm believer in civil rights

"True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness."-Albert Einstein

That's enough deep stuff, my next blog post will be strictly baby related. :)

Carrie Prejean on the View

Let's take a break from baby psychosis to discuss this gem of a human being. I believe that she does have a right to her opinion and I also believe that people have a right to make mistakes. I don't believe that I really care that you are a Christian because that doesn't mean anything to me. I just love it though when "good Christian girls" seem to always be the ones who get knocked up in high school, have sex tapes, and take naked photos and then continue to pimp their Christian status to gain the love of the majority of the population. It's gross.

Anywho, she was on the View today discussing how she would have been Miss America if she hadn't said that she believes that marriage is between a man and a woman. Mostly all they wanted to talk about was her sex tape and her naked photos. It was obvious that they were trying to teach her a lesson and reach the organ that is found underneath the pile of peroxide that is her skull. Trust me, it was lost. Because, she would be no one to anyone, if the Christian people weren't peeing themselves with joy that someone said they don't believe in gay marriage. OMG, what a great role model, a fake boobed internet skank who is also a Christian. Because people, all that is important is that she is a Christian and Christian's are always right.

Basically the ladies of the View got her to say that, here comes a shock, "Christians aren't perfect." The part that continues to escape her, is that yes, you are not perfect, so you don't have a right to take legal rights away from someone else because you are not perfect. You may not read a book and decide that you make up people's rights because the Lord told you to. These people aren't asking to come to your church with you and get married there, marriage has LEGAL rights. I am completely missing the part where it is okay to decide someone's legal rights based on religion. It affects benefits through work, taxes, and even sometimes whether or not you can adopt a child.

Here's another tip for you, if you don't want to be called a bigot, you silicone filled moron, then don't act like a bigot!! If you think that people don't get rights for being different than you, that is what a bigot is. Duh. The whole thing disgusts me.

Hormones . . . . . .

Good Fetus Report

We had our first specialist appointment today and it went very well! Both babies are doing fabulous. They are measuring at 14w1d and they were moving around again. All body parts we checked were functioning well. Each appointment is such a huge relief!

This is Baby A. I'm pretty sure it's a he with a penis. Hubby said it was the umbilical cord, but I think it's a weiner.

This is Baby B. I think this is the girl. She was playing with her hands and then we watched her put them in her mouth! It was so adorable. They weren't as wild as last time, but they were definitely moving.

This is an alien from outerspace. Just kidding, it's Baby B, looking right at us. Weird! The specialist could tell I was a little worried and he assured me they would get a lot cuter before they come out.

I love ultrasounds. I wish I could get them everyday. But I can't! Next specialist appointment is December 8th and we will figure out if they are girls, boys, or a combo (please combo).

My First Exercise

My elliptical machine used to be my prized possesion. It was used nearly daily for between 30 minutes to and hour and 15 minutes. I looked forward each day to my sweaty bonding with my machine. For the last four months, it has been collecting dust and has clothing, towels, etc hanging from it.

IVF took a toll on my physical fitness big time. Four months ago I could go out and run ten miles, followed by planks, abs, lunges and weight lifting and not get sore. Beginning with OHSS in August, I slowly began to be unable to exercise.

So I had my first exercise time yesterday!! It is rather embarassing, but it's baby steps, right? I made it 11 minutes on the elliptical machine (although I could have done more if I could find my f-ing iPod). I then lifted 5 pound weights. I know it's not much, but it's a start! I don't want to be a pile of mush by the time my babies get here so my goal is to get back up to 30 minutes on the elliptical and also at my next OB appointment get my doctor's note approved for my "Fitness for Two" class.

Next up: stop eating fast food!! I LOVE french fries and am especially addicted to Arby's roast beef sandwiches. I keep buying healthy food but it continues to go bad. I forced a salad on the babies last night and they took it pretty well, although Daddy's french fries looked SO appetizing!

The Specialist

The Friday after my last OB appointment, which was almost three weeks ago, the OB confirmed that they sent everything they had over to the perinatal specialist and they will call and give me an appointment. Give me they said. Not "set it up," or "schedule it," they will just call and give it. Yesterday I arrived home and found a letter from my insurance stating that my appointment with Dr. C has been approved by insurance. What the french toast? I have an appoinment? It said an 80 minute consult was approved. Holy bananas, 80 minutes is a long time and I do work for a living.

I asked my friend who has gone to this facility of specialists when they call. She said they just call the night before and tell you when you can come in. So I decided I had better call them to see. My appointment is Tuesday at 8:30 a.m. I said thank you and wrote it down, hung up. Then I was like, today is Friday and they weren't planning on calling me. Tomorrow is the weekend so they really just were going to call me the night before. I was a little ticked, but I have been interested in what happens there or what they will say, so I guess it's good that I have "Debbie Desperate" written across my forehead, as do probably most women in need of perinatal specialist. So whatev, can't complain.

My irritation was quickly replaced by joy. I get to see my babies on Tuesday when I hadn't expected to see them for almost a week after that! Yay yay yippee yay, I always love to see the babies! I couldn't find their heartbeats tonight, but it was because I ate a lot and all I could hear were the sounds of digestion, so I did not panic and will try again later. I'm just happy that I have another ultrasound coming up on the horizon.

In other news, I got called a bitch to my face today. Man, if I had a dollar . . . . . .

Dreams Pt. 2

I would like to say I am having weird dreams because of pregnancy, but that's not true, my dreams are always weird. Last night before bed we used the Baby Beat again. It took longer than the night before, but we found the heartbeats! I love hearing that sound. I can go to bed happy and content after that.

I had a dream about labor and delivery last night. I would really like to have a c-section just to be safe, but everyone else (except my OB mind you), is rooting for it the old fashioned way. In my dream it was the old fashioned way and I was thinking "this doesn't hurt at all." Hubby was with me and the delivery room was really weird. It was round and there were all these windows in it and they were open so a breeze was blowing in. The first baby came out and he was very chubby. I love chubby babies, the fatter the better. The nurse put him in my arms and the baby wasn't crying, he was smiling. Hubby was crying. The baby was the most perfect, beautiful baby ever. I gave him a kiss on the head and the nurse took him to do all that stuff they do to babies after they come out. I couldn't stop looking at him and the nurse told him to say "hi mama." And he did! I was like holy shit, call Harvard, my baby is a genius!!

All the nurses and the doctor left. The doctor was morphing from Dr. B and back to my current OB and it was very creepy. I yelled at them because there is still another baby in there and I have to get it out! They forgot my other baby. They just left and I tried to be calm because I figured they know what they are doing, but they never came back. I could tell I was waking up, but even my subconscious was trying to keep me asleep because I really wanted to have the other baby.

The last part was kind of disturbing, but I'm going to have a good day thinking that the universe is trying to tell me that at least one of the babies is going to be a super cute genius. :)

Must Stop Eating

I am so nasty. I am always feeding. It doesn't matter if I throw up, it doesn't stop me from consuming foods in mass quantities. This is what I have eaten today:

-2 strawberry poptarts
- Turkey meat (until I googled the symptoms of listeria, then I threw the rest of it in the trash)
-An apple
-A nacho Lunchable
-Caramels
- Cantaloupe

It's only the afternoon. I feel like a blimp. My goal is to not eat for the next two hours. I am out of Zofran and for some reason, the more I eat, the less nauseas I am. I can't get the refill until after work and I can't wait! Hopefully it will help curb my appetite. My poor babies are experiencing a terrible diet. And I hate vegetables.

My Baby Beat finally arrived yesterday!! I have been in pain and still have a throbbing pain in my left side, but both babies have heartbeats. It's such a relief to hear that. Infertility just reminded me that bad things can happen to me, so I am always worried about this pregnancy. Luckily a week from today I will be in my 2nd trimester, which is supposed to make me feel better! It took awhile to hear, but then we heard it. I tried to say I would only use it once a week, but I am pretty sure I will be using it once a day.

Peeve of the day: Vegetarians on a mission. I absolutely do not care if people don't eat meat, I don't think anyone should eat anything that they are not comfortable with. But when crazies like Natalie Portman compare eating meat to being a rapist, I get slightly aggravated. Humans are mammals. Many mammals get ALL their nutrition from a meat only diet. It is not shocking that humans eat meat as well. There are many nutrients in meat. If you don't like it, don't eat it, but don't get too crazy on others who really enjoy a juicy steak or a hamburger. I don't say you should have to eat meat so I don't want to hear your thoughts on why I eat meat. Anyhow, most vegetarians I know own leather products. Your handbag and your car interior didn't die of natural causes, dumb ass.

Sorry, I'll blame it on the hormones! :)

IT DIDN'T COME TODAY!!

I am so pissed right now, the Baby Beat didn't come today! I went to bed with excitement and woke up with excitement because the Baby Beat was supposed to come TODAY!! But it didn't. Ugh. I could punch somebody the face. I had hubby call me as soon as he got in to tell me what the Baby Beat was like and when he said it wasn't here I just started bawling. I was up all night with weird cramping so I was so relieved knowing that the doppler was coming and it's NOT HERE! Apparently somewhere the weather wasn't great so it is supposed to be here tomorrow. Hubby told me he didn't want to admit it, but that he was excited too.

I think something that caused some of the cramping was another growth spurt. Hubby lifted up my shirt and said "whoa, you're really . . ." Then he got the evil eye to not say anything that might get his head ripped off and then he concluded "you're really beautiful." That's what I thought, buster.

In other news, I waited for 3 hours on Saturday for my H1N1 vaccine. The nasty infertile came out of me. When I saw pregnant women in line with their five other kids I just felt like God damn it, you have some to spare, get out of the line so I can be sure to protect the only two I will ever have (unless I win the lottery soon). Don't worry, I am in therapy and I am fully aware that's crazy. Obviously I wouldn't want anything to happen to this person but I have never seen a line like this in my life and panic set in thinking I would have to go another few weeks being repeatedly exposed and taking my chances!! Luckily, I got it and hopefully we will be swine free for the rest of flu season.

Scary Stuff

In the spirit of Halloween, I will show you something really freaky . . . . .

This is the belly at only 12 weeks!! Yes, I said only 12. I'm not even in the second trimester yet and I look like this.

I have to admit, I look at it in the mirror all the time. I like to rub and talk to it, just like Buddha. Even though I am so super worried about the little monkeys all the time, if they are growing so big so fast, they must be healthy right? I got really excited when we pulled up to the house and there was a box. I almost jumped out of the moving car because I thought it was the Baby Beat, but then I saw the Macy's logo on the side and it was a birthday gift for hubby from my mom and dad (thank you so much by the way, this was really a gift to me because his other coat is so ugly. But he does love it!).

Oh well, it will be here Monday, and I can't wait to hear the sweet sounds of their beating hearts!

I Had A Dream

The last few months have been the most exciting of my existence for awhile. I finally accomplished what I've been wanting forever. I have also been hit with more sickness and body issues than I have had in a long time. First, IVF was harder on my body than I thought it would be. I had OHSS and my cycle almost got cancelled (thank God for the art of begging). My ovaries are still very large. Then I had a four day bleeding scare. Then I got morning sickness worse than I would have thought. Then I got costochondritis which was painful and I can't take anti-inflamatories. Then I got arrested, went through emotional stress and became dehydrated with a large raise in my blood pressure. Monday of this week I had some type of allergic reaction to something, got hives all over my body and had to use my inhaler. I have had a very painful headache for 4 days and have not been able to make it through but one day of work. I have been exposed to 27 cases of H1N1 in the last three weeks, so when I woke up really sick yesterday I assumed I had it. Last night when I got to urgent care, I was relieved to find out that it is just some type of viral infection, although I just have to wait it out. Let's don't mention the mental health issues I have concerning whether or not this is a healthy pregnancy.

This has all happened in the last two months, as I am only 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

Last night when I was laying in bed I looked at my belly. It is still growing at a healthy pace. So I had a little talk with the babies. I told them that I will continue getting sick or have weird things happen and I won't worry about it too much if they promise to keep growing and come out healthy. Then I will know this is all worth it, more than worth it.

My little amazing babies answered! I had a dream that I could see them as clear as day floating around in me. They were smiling and happy. They were wiggling around and playing with each other. They were smiling and waving at me. They just wanted to tell me that they are okay in there. So I think we have an agreement, they are going to keep trucking and come out perfect.

Don't think this has any effect on the Baby Beat. It was ordered yesterday, and will arrive on Monday. :)

Must Order Baby Beat

As of 10w4d, I had three ultrasounds. When you find out you are pregnant, you are considered 4 weeks so I had to wait two weeks for the first ultrasound so if you do the math I have had pretty frequent ultrasounds. The high I experience from knowing my babies are alive and well lasts about 5 days before psychosis kicks in.

It has been a week and a half. If I pretend to be someone of sound mind, I will make it gracefully until my next appointment November 16th (or whenever the damn perinatal specialist calls to set up my appointment). There is no way in hell I am going to survive a full month without knowing that the babies are still kicking (figuratively, man I wish I could feel that already). I had severe cramping on Saturday night and could not eat, but drank lots of fluids. There was no bleeding and this does happen so I spent all of Sunday in bed drinking water. The cramps went away and still no bleeding. But nonetheless, I still worry.

I have a few options. Call the OB and tell her I am a few french fries short of a happy meal and do not have the mental capacity to make it to the 16th and please, pretty please will she check on the babies for me? Or I could make up something legit so she has to see me. Or I could order the Baby Beat and see if that works first.

The Baby Beat is a home doppler used to pick up the heart beats. You can rent it relatively cheaply. I think this is the best option because I still appear to be a normal person but can check up on the babies myself when I need to. Hubby is very opposed to this idea. He says we need to leave them alone and let them grow. He also says I will use it improperly, convince myself there are no heartbeats because I wasn't using it right, and we will be paying the big bucks when we rush to the ER because I have convinced myself something is wrong with them. I hate to admit that does sound like something that could happen, but I was up at 5:45 a.m. this morning figuring out what I could do to make sure the babies are okay!! Not to mention I have had the hell of a headache the last two days, went home from work early, and have had a rebirth of morning sickness.

I know I'm crazy so it's okay for you to think that. I just need to know that my babies are okay. I need them to be born and healthy and I need to be their mommy. After Baby A waving at me last week, there is so much more at stake.

Maybe I'll get a hobby. Or at least I could maybe clean my house. Put some new music on the iPod. Read a book. This idle mind business is not good for me. I can put a lot of things on my list, but I will tell you that the thing that will happen eventually is a BabyBeat Fetal Doppler arriving on my doorstep before the week is out.

Stroller Peeve

Every year in Kansas City, the Junior League sponsors an even called Holiday Mart. Vendors come from around the country to a huge convention center type place for the mother load of shopping. Jewelry, clothing, home decor, and seriously everything you can imagine. It was seriously difficult not to get my annual "wine-a-rita" sample, but I did not partake. I enjoy this activity every year, there is some really cool stuff and it's a fun little thing to look forward to. Last year I went in an attempt to enjoy myself, but it was actually torture. There are a lot of photographers offering deals on sessions, newborn and maternity. There are also lots of vendors with absolutely fabulous children's clothing. For someone who is knee deep in infertility, had just maxed out the amount of time they could do Clomid, and was just wandering into the world of specialists, injections, and IUI's, the place is kind of a nightmare. Not to mention the bazillion women with HUGE strollers who take up a lot of space in a very crowded area. I asked myself why these idiots couldn't get a babysitter, or the very least a baby bjorn and have some common courtesy for those of us who aren't thrilled about the crowding but are downright pissed to have to move around your stroller or get hit in the shins with your shitty stroller maneuvering. Just because you have a child doesn't give you the right to take up all the space in the planet and injure others.

So this year I thought I would be a little more chipper because I am pregnant and would like looking in the stroller and imagining my little monkey's snuggled up while I was shopping. Now, I had a much better time shopping and got good ideas for pictures. But even minus bitterness, I was still PISSED about the damn strollers!! I wish they could make it like Vegas, where strollers aren't allowed in shopping areas. There are places I expect strollers, like the large malls, zoos, the outdoors. But not a crowded as fuck charity sale. There was one mom in line and she had twins. My heart melted for a minute thinking I should be where she is next year, but it was quickly replaced by an urge to throw something at the dumb bitch for bringing a hummer sized stroller to take up an entire aisle.

Two things to leave you with:

1. Have some courtesy and get a baby sling, a babysitter, or keep your ass at home if you are going to be making everyone's lives annoying thinking we are so excited to see your bundle of joy that we want to get rammed up the ass by fake santas and clothing hangers trying to get around you.

2. I know motherhood changes people, but if you're reading this and you live in Kansas City, take a good look at my picture. When you see me at Holiday Mart next year, buying up the place (there were seriously awesome outfits there and hopefully I won't be a whale anymore by then), you will NOT see me with my hummer sized stroller. I will not let motherhood make me an egocentric asshole who thinks everyone should get out of the way because here comes the mommy. I promise. :)

Oh yeah, the OB called Friday and I should have a peri appointment in about 3 weeks. That is who will make sure the monkey's are healthy. I will officially be in the second trimester, so if the peri thinks they look as great as the OB, we can put together the nursery with a good conscience!

25 Years Old

So, I have been participating in ICLW this time (last time I choked, sorry) and left a comment on a fellow blogger's blog. "Being 25 and infertile sucks." Immediately after I left that comment, I wanted to delete it because being ANYONE and infertile sucks. So if you saw that, I did not mean to take away from everyone else. INFERTILITY SUCKS. No matter what age you are.

But it's still weird to think about. When you start trying at 23 years old, infertility doesn't even seem like a possibility. In fact, all I really knew about infertility was from one episode of Dr. Phil I watched as a teenager and then one episode of a reality show about infertility on the Discovery Health Channel. It looked pretty sucky. I never thought about it again. Even my OB didn't think about it, she said it would probably take us about 4 months. None of my friends have ever had issues. They just got pregnant. Well, I would call these people acquaintances, or family members, my real friends aren't pregnant. I know one who is close in age who got pregnant from her second round of Clomid. That would be nice.

Infertility carries stereotypes just like everything else. You think of someone in their 30's or 40's who has a fabulous career and was too busy previously but now would like a baby. Don't freak out if you're reading this, this is just reality. Even my doctor couldn't associate me with infertility. I'm 25, I look like I'm 17, and I certainly don't have a fabulous career of any type. One of her nurses told me (as I said in a previous post) that when she saw I was 25 and was pregnant from IVF, she assumed I had pretty serious issues. What the fuck? Even doctor's and nurses stereotype. Don't worry ladies, I set her straight! I would be lying though, if it wasn't a blow to my self esteem. I did feel like such a huge failure through this whole thing. Going to the RE's office I felt like almost as big of a freak as I did in the torture we call the OB/GYN waiting room. I saw one of my grandpa's coworkers at the fertility clinic! Yes, I said GRANDPA! Besides feeling awkward, I felt like a loser. These people have probably been doing awesome things with their lives and waited until life was perfect to have a baby, but I'm just a lowly 20 something with "pretty serious issues." I don't have a big house, or an SUV, or a career to brag about. I haven't travelled the world. Plus, some other infertiles have given me comments that basically sound like, "oh you little idiot, you have all the time in the world to do 10,000 treatments. I don't feel sorry for you." Not all, but some.

Even though I will not forget those feelings, I have to admit that I am mostly happy all the time now (with occasional bouts of paranoia). Sometimes I am seriously over the moon with joy, like getting some kind of high from finally being pregnant. I love rubbing my belly and feel so grateful. Hubby and I love talking to the babies and planning our future with them. It was really all worth it. I know we have a long way to go still, but I'm going to go ahead and dream my big dreams. Let me admit, the main issue still lingering is that I just can't be happy when people tell me they are pregnant or send birth announcements (naturally that is, I love it when IFers get pregnant or have a successful adoption). I wonder if that will ever change . . . .

Lessons Learned

So, if you read my post a few weekends ago regarding my interesting experience with law enforcement, you will be happy to know that I have received an answer to the whole thing!

Here is the verdict: this involved a major communication and customer service error. Had there been better communication and customer service, the situations could have been different, but it also might have been the same.

Yep, I bet this clear and concise answer would make you sleep better at night, right? I bet the emotions of having spent an evening in the ER preceded by county jail time and heading home thinking your babies were done for would all dissipate because of this very informative answer. And then you feel even better when you are assured that the gem of a human being who made all these decisions in "17 minutes" of dealing with you has been a trustworthy addition to the force for over 3 years (we assumed he must be new). Before I share these lessons with you, please remember that I did not have an issue with being arrested, the main issue is that I was taken to the more crowded and less safe county jail when the city jail was an option.

But I want to move on, so here are the lessons I've learned that I will share with you:

1. First and foremost, this really would have not been a problem had I changed my car tags from NC tags to KS tags when I was supposed to. Furthermore, it would not have been a problem if I had made sure all was taken care of (I paid fees to the DMV and to the state, but not to this particular city, I was very confused). I will now make sure any ticket is completely taken care of within 24 hours of receiving it (unless of course it's the weekend). I was a little confused with the officer who pulled me over, so another lesson is that I will not leave with a ticket unless I understand what the officer wants me to do to take care of it. So, this was my responsibility and I shouldn't have assumed anything as far as what I had taken care of. No assuming for me anymore!!

2. Your average police officer is not able to make a distinction between a drug dealer and someone who had confusion with a ticket. Apparently, this is for their safety. Even after you have proven you do not have weapons, you are compliant, and you have no drugs (not to mention you are a 5'4" pregnant woman who had done nothing but sit around and cry), you have been standing around for well over an hour and have made no attempt at violence, this has no bearing on the common sense of these individuals. Or in their terms, the "customer service" they provide. You are assumed to be a criminal who knows everything there is to know about jails, bonds, and the process of being arrested.

3. Many police departments expect that if you need something you will make demands of the police officers. I personally would NEVER think to make demands of an authority figure who is going to arrest me. I do watch the news. I saw the old lady get maced for arguing and another pregnant woman get thrown to the ground for arguing with police, so my common sense would indicate that arguing or "demanding" things of a police officer who has mace, a baton, and guns just on their person would be a bad idea. I guess I should have been more "demanding" with my needs and hoped that I would not end up on the the 10 o'clock news.

4. A police officer's time is much more valuable than ours. If they think they can be rid of you in a short amount of time with the least possible responsibility, they will do whatever they have to do. Including things that are directly detrimental to your health and wellbeing. The lives of unborn children and the fact that you are on rest due to a medical condition are meaningless in comparison to the fact that officers have better things to do. Every place I have asked has told me that the city jail is quite different than the county jail.

5. Courts and law enforcement agencies are run by the government, so we can all assume that efficiency is not going to apply here, although as taxpayers, we are the people who pay for these things to be around. In the end, I paid $100 total, which included the fines for my offense and court fees. So basically, this was all for a lingering $100 that this city needed. Honestly, if all they wanted was $100 and I had known that, I would have given them $100 a long time ago, for the love of God! I can assure you that the cost of three police officers, 3 different departments, the booking process and now the investigation cost more than $100. I paid more than that to the state over a year ago for this offense. This process is not cost effective. And as I've been told over and over, "it happens all the time."

As I said, this would all have been avoided had I had up to date tags on my car, I'm not saying I take no responsibility. BUT, it is scary to see first hand how people are being treated. I was told that after all, they take "Johnson County soccer mom" types to the county jail all the time and no one has seemed to had a problem with it but me. I saw the filthy area that people are held. I heard two police officers that work inside the jail, one which was a woman, laugh hysterically at the fact that another inmate was on her period and they told her to stuff papertowels in her pants because they don't have to give her a pad (not that they didn't have one, but they didn't have to give it to her). I'm not sure about you, but telling someone to bleed all over themselves doesn't provide me any comic relief. I guess another lesson would be once you can no longer handle your job with dignity it might be time to move on.

This was a really crappy experience. I will always have a chip on my shoulder because I can't look at a police officer and be able to truly believe they have come into their field of work with the intention of helping people and know that there are actually many of them who now have the authority to pick on people, which is dangerous.

BUT, my babies are still thriving (as of my last appointment on Monday), and since that's all I've been dreaming of for several years, this is all I need to say regarding this subject. I am shocked and a little appalled, but I am also okay, which is all that matters. Now it's time to start thinking of important things, like nursery decorations and baby names. :)

First OB Appointment

Today was a big deal. I, for the first time in a long time, was a normal patient. Just a normal, everyday, OB patient. I went to this first appointment and it was supposed to take 40 minutes but I was there for 3 hours. I answered a bunch of questions, was weighed, blood pressure, pee in a cup and an ultrasound. I've surprisingly only gained about 5 pounds (4.7 to be exact) so that was okay. Seeing as how I cannot zip or button my pants, I was thinking at least 15 so it was a pleasant surprise. I'm allowed to gain 30 to 40 more. Trust me, it won't be a problem.

The nurse who works with the OB has never had a patient that has done IVF before. She said "when I saw on your charts that you were only 25, I was thinking you must have major issues, do you?" I told her no I do not, I have mostly unexplained with a side of polycystic ovaries. She then asked if I purposefully "implanted" two eggs so that I would have twins. Ah, the cluelessness of the fertile. I explained to her, a medical professional, that no one has anything "implanted," that embryos are transferred and then they have to implant on their own. I told her the RE's standard is 2 embryos. 2 could implant, 1 could implant, or none. IVF isn't always successful. I answered many questions for her before we got down to business. She apologized but I told her I am not shy or ashamed of having done this and I don't care about answering anything she would like to know.

Now, onto the good stuff, pictures!!



Baby A



Baby B



Two baby heads with limbs in the background

I was beyond thrilled because they were both moving! MOVING! And I don't mean a little something here or there, but like buds flailing, sac bouncing, crazy moving. Baby B was so crazy we had to wait awhile to get his heartrate because he needed to calm down first. Baby A was so cute, she had her legs crossed together but little arm buds flapping around.

I know this sounds stupid, but I was like, I'm pregnant! There are living things in there, moving, like people. I just fell compeletly in love with them today because they were so quirky and crazy up there and instead of looking like blobs I could finally imagine them as actual humans. I know in the infertility world you shouldn't get attached until after 12 weeks, but it's too late. I'm in love.

Good Things About Infertility

I often think about how unfair it is that I have forked over $23,000.00 in less than two years at desperate attempt after desperate attempt to get pregnant while most people get pregnant for free. Although I am now pregnant, I still harbor so much resentment towards these people, which is unfortunately most people that I know. I still have the inability to be happy for people when they get pregnant or give birth because I can't let go of how "unfair" it is and this feels normal, but also selfish because many people were very happy for me when hearing our amazing news. My therapist did explain that after years of feeling this way it will not turn off, especially in the early stages of pregnancy because other than feeling like poo, I don't feel like anything is different. I also haven't reached the safer haven that is the second trimester (less than 2 weeks, please, please, please let me get there).

Part of me doesn't feel guilty about this because really it is unfair. And when choosing between going out and sociallizing with others and staying home, I prefer being home so I don't feel like I'm missing too much. But . . . guilt is a feeling that I hate to feel. I was born that way and for some reason I can't handle guilt well, and I feel bad for continuing to despise people who are just going about their business. So I thought about why going through all this was actually a good thing.

1. My babies are miracles. I know, I know, all babies are miracles. But mine are really here, against all odds. When you have a baby after years of IF (through treatment or adoption) it has to be so much more amazing than just having a baby whenever you want. That child is a precious gift that you thought you might never receive and I would imagine it is harder to take advantage of parenting that child after going through the hell of IF. I get to learn just exactly how special it really is to be a parent, because it wasn't easy. I can't compare this to normal parenting, because I've never done it, but for my mind, I'm going to say it's much better.

2. I got to see my babies when they were embryos. We've been to several ultrasounds, but really nothing has been as exciting as seeing the embryos. It was my first indication that hubby and I could make a living thing together after years of trying. They were even moving around on the screen. It was really amazing. It might have been more amazing because I was on some type of medication that makes you relax, but who cares? It was still awesome. My mom came to town and we can disgust random people by telling them that my mom watched us get pregnant, and there is nothing I love more in life than making other people feel weird (I know it's sick, but it's the small things, right?).

3. When our kids ask where babies come from, the answer will be much less graphic in nature and not at all anxiety inducing. Doctor's take special stuff from mommies and daddies and make babies in a special place at the hospital. Then the doctor's give the babies to mommies to make them grow, and that's where babies come from! See how simple that is? From working with children I've watched many a parent awkwardly explain things to their kids. We really won't be telling any lies to our children, that's really how they were made. Simple as that.

4. I got to find out how strong of a man I am married to and how supportive my family is. This usually happens to people under much worse circumstances, so I am grateful for this lesson.

That's all I have for now. If I come up with other good stuff later I'll let you know, but this is what I'm working with.

Holy Baby Bump

So, it's been a rocky few weeks. Several days of bleeding, my fosters moving with family members, getting back to therapy, struggling with my job, praying for the second trimester peace I hope for and getting thrown in the slammer hasn't done a whole lot for my mental health. Yesterday I was cramping and cramping all day. I mean hardcore cramping so I was thinking "great, why did I get off my anxiety meds again?"



Well, I was in for a most pleasant surprise. The cause of all the cramping was stretching, because I woke up to this:

This is at only 10 weeks and 1 day!! Hubby was leaving for work and lifted up my shirt to kiss the babies goodbye. He was like "holy crap!" I checked the mirror and couldn't believe it.

This is it a little after 4 weeks:

I was so excited and have been all day. I have been waiting for the bump to come in!!

So, it's been a bad run, but this really made me happy. As hubby says, "the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then!"

Thank you baby bump, I needed that. Countdown: Only 4 days until my first official OB appointment.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I have been MIA for almost a week (I know, crazy, right?). The events of the last week have been a little crazy. Like sliding down the rabbit hole into a paralel universe. I spent a morning at the therapist's office trying to figure out what is happening in my life.

We have been super bummed out that our foster kids are leaving us. They were to leave on the weekend and now they are gone. The house feels so weird without them. It's so quiet with just the two of us. And we were both so attached to the baby in particular that if feels wrong not to have Lil Bub here.

I am really struggling with my job. It is harder than I thought managing people. All I do is babysit adults and it is not fun. If only I had a money tree out back. Not to mention a health insurance tree, then I would be good to go! But this is life.

I have been feeling better and better about this pregnancy. My tummy is growing a little bump. I went one evening last week to a huge sale at Carter's and bought a bunch of unisex baby clothes. I was so excited and it felt so good to make that leap of faith and be able to see the future and one of the munchkins wearing the "I'm a hug waiting to happen" onesie I purchased.

As I was driving home I was rear ended. This actually pissed me off because only last week I had seen the babies heartbeats again and was so relieved and now I'm getting jolted in the back from someone not paying attention. And, of course, this person had no driver's license or insurance. I contacted the police for assistance. Long story short, I was pulled over a year and a half ago because my car tags were expired. I switched the tags the following week. It was such a hassle to change the tags that to be honest I spaced thinking I had anything else to do. I then got a letter from the state saying there was a warrant for my arrest and my license was to be suspended. I followed the directions given to me, got a reinstatement letter from the state and never heard from anyone again. Well, I guess I had more to do because I got arrested!!

I was upset but was assured that this happens all the time and I would just go with another officer to that city and pay my bail and leave. Two hours later, after I held my pregnant lady pee in to the point of excruciating pain, this other officer showed up. He did not ask questions, cuffed me behind my back, dicked around with the other officers while I almost peed myself, did not buckle my seatbelt although I had just been in an accident, and then proceeded to take me to the county jail because it was "closer." For all of you who are reading this and are not a criminal, you might not know that people who commit REAL crimes, not non moving traffic violations, go to the county jail. I finally got to pee when we got there, it was so painful I cannot describe it but there was no blood, THANK GOD!! The lovely officer whipped out my prenatals from my purse and asked what they were, as if I were carrying narcotics. I told him they were prenatal vitamins. Apparently having prenatal vitamins indicates that you are a pot head, because then he asked if I had any marijuana. I said no, although this didn't satisfy him, he made sure to tell me if I didn't tell him now it would be a felony.

Now, this whole time, my cramps are picking up in intensity. Also, I am thinking this is just a sick joke and I am waiting for Ashton Kutcher to tell me that I have been punked, even though I'm not a celebrity. Then the cell, yes I said CELL, doors were open and I had to go in, in a CELL, with real life criminals. Of course the water works began at this point. I sat with three other women who were discussing how many previous times they had been in jail and where the best places to steal from are. FYI, Home Depot seems to be an excellent place because the pawn shops will accept their gift cards. Unfortunately, in case you are planning this, Kohl's is a terrible place to steal from. I was then asked if I stole anything that day, to which my answer was bawling.

I was told I could see a nurse because I was terrified by the cramping. I saw a nurse after I was searched (violated I should say), fingerprinted, had a mug shot taken, signed off on my personal belongings and placed in another cell with a blanket and some new criminals were not at all upset they were in a CELL, unlike myself. I finally got to see the nurse. She was my angel! I was released about fifteen minutes after she spoke with her supervisor. She said to go directly to the ER. This ordeal lasted about 5 hours.

We went to the ER. I was shaking uncontrollably. A nurse wrapped me in a blanket, then two more blankets, then I received a bag of IV fluids. I was dehydrated, my blood pressure was high and my blood sugar was low. The ER doctor could not do an ultrasound, but tried to hear the heartbeats with his stethoscope. Nothing. I had to go home at 2 a.m. and wait until morning to see if the babies still had heartbeats. It was awful. I looked at all the new little items I bought and thought I would never see my babies in them.

The next morning we went to the ultrasound and both babies were doing awesome!! I wish I had pictures because it is the first ultrasound that the babies looked like more that a blob. I was so relieved I finally fell asleep, right there on the table. Both babies had heartbeats of 171 bpm and one was measuring right on target at 9w3d and the other at 9w1d.

I will take responsibility and say that I should have called and emailed and dug until I was 100% sure everything was taken care of. I just didn't know what I needed to do because this has NEVER happened to me. I am so angry that it did. I want to just move on and be happy the babies are okay, but what if I watch the news tomorrow and another woman went through this but wasn't so lucky as to have a baby that could handle all that? I would feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet for letting it go. I saw, dealt with and heard things I wish I had never been a part of, because of a misunderstanding with a non-moving traffic violation. It was so excessive and ridiculous and I was treated like a drug dealer or a bank robber by the officer who arrived at the the accident TWO hours after he was called.

But the babies are okay and my next appointment to see them is less than a week, on Monday. I am exhausted and still feel so confused. My therapist definitely has his work cut out for him! I'm so proud of my strong little monkeys. I'm so glad they're still in there. And it's all been taken care of, no more warrants for me!

But I'm also pissed. Really pissed.