Buzz Kill

I waddled my uncomfortable self into the preadmission office today at the hospital. The parking lot is a joke so I got quite the excercise. They do have free valet parking but because of my distrusting nature I chose not to use it because a) nothing is really free and b) I don't want a stranger in my car.

I made my way up to level three to get all the paperwork signed for my impending childbirth experience. The nurse complimented me on how fantastic I look and how she cannot believe I made it into her office at 34 weeks with no major complications. We went through all kinds of good stuff. Everything was great except for two things:

1. It is more difficult than you might imagine getting medical professionals to jump on board with a delayed vaccination schedule (the babies get vaccinated, but at a slower pace). She informed me as they go about vaccinations some are all mixed into one so they would be getting three at a time anyway. I do not believe that vaccines cause autism, but I don't want my babies systems bombarded with three vaccinations at once, especially from shots with mercury or other preservatives. So that task did not get accomplished because I have to make further arrangements with my doctor.

2. She said that the average twin birth occurs around 36 weeks, which is what I am hoping for. She said as long as they come out healthy the babies will get to accompany me to the recovery room and stay with us for our three midnights that are required after a c-section. In the event that they would need some NICU time, I would be in recovery and not get to see them for TWO hours. After those hours, they would wheel me by to get a glimpse and then I would not see them until the NEXT day. MAJOR BUZZ KILL!! It has been 3 years and 2 months since we started trying for these babies and two hours for me to not be with my babies and then not really getting to be with them at my leisure until the next day will NOT work for me. I know myself and this has major meltdown written all over it.

So . . . I have been hoping in the last few days due to pain and gross stuff and just plain impatience that they would arrive not a day before or after the 36 week mark. Maybe that won't work. An extra week or two could save me a meltdown of epic proportions (unless I have one any day now, which is very possible).

I guess I just need to see what happens tomorrow at measuring day and then I will decide if I will hope to the universe for a later date than April 15th (but it has such a nice ring to it, doesn't it?)!

Ouch

Things are changing around here!

Since I have been on bedrest, I haven't had a lot of contractions, not even really braxton hicks. Starting on Saturday though, I have had tons of braxton hicks a day and have been so sleepy. I usually venture out to do something once a day for some time but it is getting pretty hard.

Last night the pain was ridiculous. It wasn't contractions, it was just growing pains. Well, I think it wasn't contractions but I guess I don't really know. It is just hip pain and it radiates into my legs and also causes my back muscles to spasm. This also causes cramping which doesn't feel great and additional braxton hicks. I woke up quite a few times but then slept in until 11:00!! Something else is happening too but I won't describe it to you since family reads this and it's kind of nasty.

Other than dreaming of a hefty dose of vicodin and a muscle relaxer, I am so excited! I hope this means something is happening down there. My OB said 36 weeks would really be perfect so if everything checks out at the specialist on Thursday I am going to HOPE with all my hopes that it will only be two weeks before we meet them. If that doesn't work, I am going to BEG with all my begging skills, I'm talking on my knees and maybe some tears, that we can look at the induction around 37 weeks instead of 38.

Cross your fingers for April 15th!!

The End

I was so excited the other day thinking that the end is nearing and our babies will be here soon. I told my OB that I know I have hounded her about how truly important it is to me for them to get to 38 weeks, but I admitted to her at the last appointment that I think I would die if I had to go that long (serious discomfort has begun, like crawling to the bathroom in the night to pee because it hurts to stand discomfort).

I want to hold my babies, I want to kiss them, and I want to know that they are healthy and perfect in every way. I also want my body and my health back. I have had hormones injected into me and tons of drugs taken and then side effects a plenty for the last several years. I have lived at the doctor and can't wait to be free of it and finally have what we've wanted and just get to live our lives.

The end is near!

But it's the end, the real "end." The end with a huge period at the conclusion of the sentence. We have decided for a variety of reasons that we will not attempt to get pregnant ever again and once I am done breastfeeding I will be back on the pill. So it's starting to become strange when I think about it. I feel like I have been pregnant for a very long time, but it seems a little sad to know that I will never feel little monkey's moving around in my belly again. I will never go to an ultrasound super excited to find out what's going on. I know I have much more exciting things to look forward to than this now that we will have our babies, but I'm getting a little nostalgic about this pregnancy. It's almost over.

It probably doesn't help that I have finished all three seasons of Big Love. That show is so entertaining! No need to use my mind at all, just sit and enjoy. I must find something else of the same caliber of entertainment ASAP. When I was on bedrest for OHSS, I got hooked on True Blood and was hoping that Season 2 would come out towards the end of the pregnancy, but I found out yesterday it does not come out until May 23rd or something like that. I'll have to go see what's going on at Blockbuster tomorrow. Or maybe I could actually attempt to use my brain and read a book. :)

Naughty

Babies both passed their BPP's within 3 minutes today and my weight was great (29 pound gain at 33 weeks and 1 day).

I got myself a little lecture regarding my finger poking for gestational diabetes. I don't do it after every meal, which including the fasting number, is 4 times a day. I do it 3 times a day usually, which I feel is sufficient. The babies are healthy and I am healthy so who cares about one little pricking a day right?

The perinatal specialist does! She asked me if I am aware how many times I should be testing. I said yes, 3 or maybe 4. No, she says, 4 times! 4 times everyday!

She told me she would really like it if I followed directions and did it 4 times a day.

I smiled and said okay.

In my mind my response was "Oh, you would really like it if I followed directions would you? I would really like a money tree in the backyard and a donut in my mouth but we don't always get what we want, do we? I would also really like it if you would freaking measure my babies today so I can stop worrying about if Ever has caught up like she is supposed to. I would also like it if you didn't charge me $30 per visit for appointments that take 3 minutes."

I doubt I will actually start testing the whole 4 times a day everyday, but if I actually said these things to her she would not smile and say okay like I did, so I consider us even. :)

Thanks for the responses yesterday! Those situations were really weighing heavy on my mind last night. I hate it when bad things happen to good people. Even outside of infertility, I never tell anyone about things being meant to be because it doesn't help and I don't believe it. But that's how I feel, I like to know if others feel the same so thank you for lending your perspective!!

Meant To Be

If you know me well or if you at least have been reading this blog for a long time, you know that I do NOT believe that things are "meant to be," "destiny," or "God's will." I just do not.

I was thinking of this today because I know two people out there who are going through things that I cannot even fathom having to go through. Going through infertility has taught me that even though it is by far the most common response people give others when they don't really know what else to say, no one wants to hear that their suffering is supposed to happen. When I was struggling and struggling and upset and confided in people, I often heard this. I even heard that "God just wants you to care for other's people children because you are so good at it and if you don't get pregnant than you will continue on that path." Yes, that was really meant to console me in some way.

I know this is weird because the vast majority of people obviously find great comfort in hearing these things. When I hear this, even though I know people aren't meaning it this way, it reads to me as "tough shit." Literally. When I hear it to myself or to someone else it doesn't come across as comfort but "life is not in your control. This is what happened and tough shit." I can't stand it.

I am observing as one of these people is sharing what they are going through and it is just awful. This person clearly needs support. There was a lot of support given to her but at the same time there was more "God only gives you what you were meant to have" type business than I thought necessary. Why would someone feel better to know that God wants them to suffer through unimaginable grief and anguish?

I believe that life just happens. We choose our own paths and when crap comes up we choose the next move and have to live with it and that is life. Life sucks big balls sometimes and sometimes life is amazing and wonderful. I don't have anyone to blame for this or to thank for it (ie: God, a higher power). I truly do not believe that there is any reason for people to suffer, but it happens.

So I do want to ask this question, just to understand. Do you believe that things are meant to be? Why?

Just curious . . . .