Every night since the kiddos got here, we have gone on a bike ride after dinner. On Friday, we had a bowling birthday party so we couldn't, even though GQ asked if we still could although it was 9:30 at night. We had to make it up this morning. It was wicked hot and humid out and he has to stop at every workout station on the one mile trail to "grow his muscles." He found a dandelion to make a wish on. It was a very stubborn dandelion, so he decided to share the wishing with me so we could trade off. He made one wish, then handed it to me so that I could wish. It sounds really silly, but it was quite therapeutic for me. I have been beaten down for so long by all the failure of the last several years that I forgot what it was like to just wish for something innocently without some complicated plan to make it work. It felt very nice. We all know what I wished for, but I also had to throw in a wish that GQ and Little Bub will have a good long life and will be safe wherever they end up once they leave us.
We were playing around and GQ looked at me and smiled. I asked him what he was smiling about, and he said "you're going to have a little baby soon." Although I'm pretty sure he was calling me fat, I'm going to choose to believe he is one of those creepy clairvoyant kids from the Sci-Fi channel who just caught a glimpse of the future from the universe. So it's official, my efforts will not be in vain!!
I have to give some "shout outs" TRL style tonight!! I am so thankful for the help we've received in the last few days.
- To my grandma! She brought over a bag full of toys and a car mat that the boys absolutely love. She also came over so I could go to Walmart for birthday supplies and take a shower (I'm still paranoid about showering when the babies are unsupervised). She also took GQ to a movie today and he was so excited. She is not Ashley's grandma or Carlyne or Mrs. So and So, she is now labelled, "the Grandma." Thanks!!
- To my in laws! GQ had a birthday recently so we had a late birthday party Friday night. My mother-in-law and step father-in-law, sister in law, and two brothers in law all showed up last minute to bowl and with gifts for the little guy. We really appreciate it!
- To a good friend of ours who sent us extra of her amazing cleaning product with our last foster kids. We definitely need it! I thought the teenagers were messy, but I had no idea. Just today my hardwoods have seen spilled milk, diet coke, Juicy Juice in both Punch and Apple flavor, watermelon, ravioli and dog water (Little Bub decided to have a splish splash in the dogs bowl). Thanks!!
- To another friend for quickly finding us a convertible crib for only $60.00! Woo hoo, thanks!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
What to Expect When You're Expecting 1
In an effort to keep up a positive attitude and convince myself this is going to be successful I began reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I bought this book as a wedding gift for myself. I've been married for over two years so there is some dust on it. It's actually served as something more in the realm of comedic relief than actual educational material. From some of the questions and concerns in the book of "real" pregnant women, I'm starting to get the feeling that I've done a little too much research in the last several years. I think I might qualify as an OB in some small countries in fact.
Lessons Learned from Month One: Fertiles are pussies. I've already been through all of that "discomfort" from hormone injections without a baby to show for it. I've done my fair share of midnight vomitting thanks to progesterone vaginal inserts. I will not be worrying about month one! My biggest worries will be test after test to continue to make me paranoid about whether or not my long awaited pregnancy is even viable.
But, the excitement is gathering for Sunday, the beginning of the serious injections. We're getting so close!
Lessons Learned from Month One: Fertiles are pussies. I've already been through all of that "discomfort" from hormone injections without a baby to show for it. I've done my fair share of midnight vomitting thanks to progesterone vaginal inserts. I will not be worrying about month one! My biggest worries will be test after test to continue to make me paranoid about whether or not my long awaited pregnancy is even viable.
But, the excitement is gathering for Sunday, the beginning of the serious injections. We're getting so close!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Joys of (temporary) Parenthood
I'm not being sarcastic, it really is a joy! Such an amazing joy, I just love it. My two kiddos are doing wonderful. They have already warmed up to me and we have a great time. Little Bub is so sweet and he is such a snuggler. Although I usually have quite the time getting up in the morning, I popped right up this morning to get them out of bed. We could not even eat until he was satisfied with enough snuggles. GQ was a bear and it took quite awhile to get him up. I have feeling they didn't have a stable bedtime at home so it is tough with the new 9:00 P.M. rule. I learned yesterday that I don't think I could ever be a stay at home mom! They wore me out and hubby found me asleep in the bedroom with Little Bub snoring in my arms.
I learned a few lessons from GQ yesterday. First, boxers are underwear for men, and now that he is 5, he can only wear boxers. Second, there is no way I could have ever gone to Bass Pro Shop before because "womens" don't go there. Third, we all have to love doctors because they help us so we need to help them. Fourth, school busses are awesome because you don't have to wear a seat belt and the police don't get you. Fifth, you can never wear pjs more than once. And most importantly, five year olds cannot leave the house without a spritz of cologne. You learn something new everyday!
There have been very few bumps in the road in the last 24 hours. The first bump entailed the carseat. You wouldn't think it would take a genius to put in a carseat, but it actually takes three geniuses! My sister in law and I both could not get the damn car seat in right. It was embarassing. I work with little ones and she's having a baby in a few months, so I think it's a bad sign for the both of us. We had to call her husband, because apparently he has a talent for installing carseats. Little Bub has peed once on my floor while the dog licked it up, so that wasn't good. The inevitable finally occured after three nights of them in the house; Little Bub ate dog food out of the dog bowl. Lesson learned!! No dog food on the floor unless Rocky is eating it.
After work we ate dinner, played with chalk, and went on a bike ride. It's exactly the life I've been longing for since February 2007. Well, actually my whole life, but that was when we decided to try and make it a reality. I can't think of any greater gift right now than having these sweet babies come into my life. Well, I was also kinda hoping they'd find a baby hiding in my uterus somewhere at my supression scan, but you can't have everything, right?
I learned a few lessons from GQ yesterday. First, boxers are underwear for men, and now that he is 5, he can only wear boxers. Second, there is no way I could have ever gone to Bass Pro Shop before because "womens" don't go there. Third, we all have to love doctors because they help us so we need to help them. Fourth, school busses are awesome because you don't have to wear a seat belt and the police don't get you. Fifth, you can never wear pjs more than once. And most importantly, five year olds cannot leave the house without a spritz of cologne. You learn something new everyday!
There have been very few bumps in the road in the last 24 hours. The first bump entailed the carseat. You wouldn't think it would take a genius to put in a carseat, but it actually takes three geniuses! My sister in law and I both could not get the damn car seat in right. It was embarassing. I work with little ones and she's having a baby in a few months, so I think it's a bad sign for the both of us. We had to call her husband, because apparently he has a talent for installing carseats. Little Bub has peed once on my floor while the dog licked it up, so that wasn't good. The inevitable finally occured after three nights of them in the house; Little Bub ate dog food out of the dog bowl. Lesson learned!! No dog food on the floor unless Rocky is eating it.
After work we ate dinner, played with chalk, and went on a bike ride. It's exactly the life I've been longing for since February 2007. Well, actually my whole life, but that was when we decided to try and make it a reality. I can't think of any greater gift right now than having these sweet babies come into my life. Well, I was also kinda hoping they'd find a baby hiding in my uterus somewhere at my supression scan, but you can't have everything, right?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Got a hobby (in the form of children)!!
I've been trying to think what I can do with the next few weeks to take up my time and keep my mind off of this nonsense before I lose my marbles for good. My foster agency took care of that this evening by adding two new additions to my household! Yay! They are sweet little things who are safely tucked in bed. I have already checked on them twice and plan on doing so a few more times. I will certainly be purchasing a baby monitor in the morning. I have also been scouring Craig's List for a good crib to purchase in the morning because the little one is in a pack and play tonight. I also need a carseat for the little guy, I have one for the 4 year old. Holy cow, there are kids downstairs!!
So, we were having a comfy dinner with my family who so kindly cared for my furbaby, Rocky, while we were out of town. Last night I was in a Lupron coma so I didn't have the will to go get him. My cell phone rings and it is the agency, they have two kiddos, they will drop them off tonight!! Holy shit! We hauled ass back into town, went to Target and bought pjs, toys, diapers, bottles, cups, food and any random thing I felt we needed. I got home, set up the pack and play, did dishes, unloaded toys, and cleaned up a little here and there. Last run we had teenagers, so what we have left over from them is the Twilight series of books, tampons, and a pile of clothes they didn't need anymore, so basically nothing of any use for the newbies. At least we will be covered for a wide range of kids!
Even though we only had 30 minutes from the time we got home until the social worker came to drop them off, I paced and paced around the house. Hubby says he "just can't wait" to spend a long nine months with me. Good point. I truly hope we get that opportunity! I'm so excited to wake up tomorrow morning and have something else to look forward to other than just another day X-ed off the calendar to see if this IVF cycle will be the blessing we've been waiting two and a half years for!
So, we were having a comfy dinner with my family who so kindly cared for my furbaby, Rocky, while we were out of town. Last night I was in a Lupron coma so I didn't have the will to go get him. My cell phone rings and it is the agency, they have two kiddos, they will drop them off tonight!! Holy shit! We hauled ass back into town, went to Target and bought pjs, toys, diapers, bottles, cups, food and any random thing I felt we needed. I got home, set up the pack and play, did dishes, unloaded toys, and cleaned up a little here and there. Last run we had teenagers, so what we have left over from them is the Twilight series of books, tampons, and a pile of clothes they didn't need anymore, so basically nothing of any use for the newbies. At least we will be covered for a wide range of kids!
Even though we only had 30 minutes from the time we got home until the social worker came to drop them off, I paced and paced around the house. Hubby says he "just can't wait" to spend a long nine months with me. Good point. I truly hope we get that opportunity! I'm so excited to wake up tomorrow morning and have something else to look forward to other than just another day X-ed off the calendar to see if this IVF cycle will be the blessing we've been waiting two and a half years for!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Up, down, up, down, sit, stand, kneel
My life feels like an extended version of the Catholic Sunday masses I used to attend. If you aren't Catholic, the one hour of holy mass consists of standing, then sitting, then standing, kneeling, maybe some walking, some hand holding and shaking, and so on and so forth. Basically, you can never get comfortable or really concentrate on anything because you are up and down, up and down. During the short intervals between each of these activities you try and entertain yourself by looking around the church. Does that person really think their 2 day old screaming baby needs to come to Sunday mass? Did that person look in the mirror before they left the house? Should I really take of the Body of Christ today because I know I've sinned at least 12 million times since my last confession? You know that the gist of this extravaganza is to get a little of the Holy Spirit in you for the week, but it can be painfully boring with the monotony of the routine and it's easy to get lost and not be able to focus on the real reason why you woke up, put on your Sunday best and decided to spend an hour with the Lord.
This is how my life in this IVF cycle feels. I put on my best big girl panties and found myself an RE that I loved. I decided after months that this is the plan for me. I was pumped and excited and ready to roll. I just knew this had to work, how could it not? I had my eye on the prize, a sweet baby that will complete the family hubby and I have dreamed of for years. But then I got in the routine. Pills, shots, rules. Timing, schedules, advice, special diets. Appointments, check ups and check writing. It has been well over a month since I took the plunge and decided this was the road for me. After five weeks on birth control pills and over a week on lupron, steroids, metformin, happy pills and baby asprin, I've had a little too much idle mind time. I've been thinking, hey, maybe this won't work. Maybe it will work and I'll end up with a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage. Some days I'm up and good to go. Other days I'm standing tall, knowing with full confidence I will be a mommy someday and happiness is just around the corner. Some days I am left kneeling on the floor without a leg to stand on, consumed by fear, anger and mostly sadness. Some days I know I can do this, other days I know I'm not okay and am not sure that I can handle all of this.
Only one week and one day left until my first appointment after stims begin to see if we can even move on (too low of estradiol numbers will equal a cancellation). After that there will be much more action. I just want to do this and see what happens already!
This is how my life in this IVF cycle feels. I put on my best big girl panties and found myself an RE that I loved. I decided after months that this is the plan for me. I was pumped and excited and ready to roll. I just knew this had to work, how could it not? I had my eye on the prize, a sweet baby that will complete the family hubby and I have dreamed of for years. But then I got in the routine. Pills, shots, rules. Timing, schedules, advice, special diets. Appointments, check ups and check writing. It has been well over a month since I took the plunge and decided this was the road for me. After five weeks on birth control pills and over a week on lupron, steroids, metformin, happy pills and baby asprin, I've had a little too much idle mind time. I've been thinking, hey, maybe this won't work. Maybe it will work and I'll end up with a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage. Some days I'm up and good to go. Other days I'm standing tall, knowing with full confidence I will be a mommy someday and happiness is just around the corner. Some days I am left kneeling on the floor without a leg to stand on, consumed by fear, anger and mostly sadness. Some days I know I can do this, other days I know I'm not okay and am not sure that I can handle all of this.
Only one week and one day left until my first appointment after stims begin to see if we can even move on (too low of estradiol numbers will equal a cancellation). After that there will be much more action. I just want to do this and see what happens already!
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