Groundhog's Day

I am a few months in with my stay at home mom gig now. I don't count my maternity leave because I was still employed and still thinking of working full time, even though that was stupid because I couldn't afford the daycare anyway. Also the first few months of newborn-hood are a brutal sleep deprived, fuzzy good smelling baby high induced state that can't be counted as real life anyway.

Truth be told, it's a little more frustrating than I thought. It feels like Groundhog's Day really. When I was working the house chores didn't bother me much because they were no big deal and if they didn't get done, who cares? We were never in the house anyway between working, daycare, eating out and doing fun things on the weekend so we didn't make much mess. But everyday things around here look the same, if I didn't get to cleaning or if I did. It's like I do 7 loads of laundry and feel so much relief and less than 48 hours the hampers look exactly the same. One day I was so proud of myself for vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms and getting a bunch done. Then Hubby came home and I looked around at the bits of laundry on the couch and the toys everywhere and the snack the kids just had on the table. More cleaning than I ever used to do in a week in one day of us being here all day looked like nothing. I basically feel like a bad housekeeper. That kind of sucks. I put myself through college and am still paying for it so I can be a sloppy, tired, frazzled housekeeper?

I hate to admit it, but I think the twins are bored shitless with me. I feel so guilty, but the baby still dictates our schedule because his sleep is sometimes good but sometimes not, he goes through frequent growth spurts where he needs to eat a ton and be held a bunch. I love holding the butterball a bunch and am so glad I get to do it at my leisure instead of outside my working hours, but I'm not sure if I'm keeping the twins from better things.I joined the gym to get myself in shape, get some alone time, and let the kids socialize. They fight me tooth and nail to get there and I do not enjoy loading the three up in the car so I have put in my notice until they are older and a little easier and the baby has a better routine. I would really like to send the kids to preschool but we are poor, there are no school district options for our income level, and all of the kid's day out programs are religious so I'm not sure what to do. The twins are going to one week of preschool summer camp next week so we will see how great life is and what kind of lengths we should go to to possibly put them in some type of preschool (options: cooking meth, selling body organs, prostitution, etc).

There are some moms who are just so with it, you know? They look good, their kids are happy, they are happy all the time. I wonder how they do it. I asked quite a few and got great info. On another note, many of the ones who are super moms I have found out later have their kids in school, nanny's (some full time and overnight), people who come to clean their house, sitter's to watch their kids while they go to the gym, husband's who do all the grocery shopping, the list could go on. I kid you not. No wonder they look great, right? This makes me feel worse in a way because I dream of being rich but better in a way because it's all on  me. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but only a liar says they never compare. It's the human way (or the American way at least).

I am in a kind of limbo because I can't wait for the baby to get older so we can get back to the place we were in where everyone is mobile and on the same page. At the same time, all this snuggling I get to do with the butterball I didn't get to do as much with the twins so I want to take advantage of it. I love fat baby snuggles and even big three year old snuggles. I don't want to wish their littleness away just so I can get more things accomplished. It goes by so quickly! There are major plusses to being at home as well. Every Monday we have PJ day. All day. It's fun. While everyone is complaining of the Monday's we are in our jammies making muffins or some other baked goods. I don't like doing 7 loads of laundry a day, but with some maneuvering, I can do 7 loads of laundry a day. When we do things together we can "stop and smell the roses." Roam at our own leisure, if you will. We don't have to be anywhere. We have started packing a picnic once a week and meeting Hubby for lunch at a park near his work. I feel way less guilty taking time to myself. I get to hear each and every crazy thing that comes out of the twins mouths firsthand. Another cool thing is that I have been doing a lot of around the house projects that weren't really urgent before. I have been taking before and after pics and can't wait to share all the organizing I've been doing.

Being 100% unemployed hasn't really worked for me though so I have been working for the last month in retail. It is very flexible, between 12-20 hours a week in the evenings. I have to say it's fun and I know it's a luxury to work for fun. It gives me a reason to put on some Spanx and a face of make up and go earn some dough. I have worked with many interesting characters and it's just easy and enjoyable. I like it. I good mix of lots of my kiddo time and time to myself, plus money is always nice. We are having a big garage sale this weekend and purging a bunch of our crap. I hope it will be a new beginning!

So, any magical tips you have at making things easier, you are welcome to leave me!



There was a "Sid the Science Kid" movie on PBS one day so we made a make shift movie theater and had popcorn!

Butterball

A little update on the Butterball! You may notice that I don't blog much. You wouldn't think adding one little munchkin to the house plus now being at home all day would be that much different, but sheesh, it's different. Real different.

The Butterball is growing like a crazy little weed. At five months and some change, he is coming in at over 17 pounds! I love his roly poly chunk body. He has still only had breast milk, but unfortunately I think that may be dwindling soon because my supply has just started tanking. He eats rice cereal before bed and has a little bit of pureed food once a day. He hates peas and bananas, but loves sweet potatoes. He is meh on the carrots and green beans. I made him a popsicle with breast milk the other day and he was so excited that he got to have something to munch on at the table while we were eating dinner. I swear he is dying to get a handful of some real food!

At only five months and some change he is also already rolling and moving around. When I pump I put him on a play mat right in front of me and last week he made it off the play mat and across the room to grab a dirty sock to chew on from the laundry pile. The twins are very interested in him moving around and I am trying my best to train them to be more responsible with their squinkies and beads and other tiny things that they leave around.

On the sleep front, it is touch and go. I will say it is 1000000% easier than twins, thank the Universe, but getting interrupted sleep over long periods of time, like five months and some change, is hard on a person. That is a big reason why I don't blog as often yet. My goal is to blog for a little while and get my thoughts out all at once and schedule posts but my stupid internet is slow as f#$% so by the time it loads I'd rather be sleeping. But due to the interrupted sleep I don't sleep that well anyway so I am stuck with all these thoughts swirling in my head, trapped there and not overshared on the internet for my free personal therapy. It's a vicious  cycle. Now that my tangent is over, back to the Butterball. He sleeps ok. Sometimes well and sometimes not. He sleeps poorly only when he is sick but unfortunately that is frequently. Otherwise he gets in his bed around 9 and sleeps there until 3-5 a.m. when he feeds and goes back to sleep. He always feeds again around 6:30 and then is up for the day between 8 and 8:30. I typically only wake twice so I will be thankful for that because after having Osh man I know it could be worse. So much worse, in fact. I'm tired all the time though and am ready for some energy!

We were driving out of town and I saw his face in the mirror behind his carseat and said to Hubby, "aren't you so glad we had him? Isn't he the best thing in the world?" It's true. He is such a sweet, lovable, great little thing. I can't get enough of him. The twins love him too. Everyone does really, you just can't help it.

Here are some pics of my jolly little chubster, marker tattoo by Peanut. At his appointment the doctor said "is that marker in his ear?" Why yes, yes it is. 

Mother's Day

Four years ago on this day, I was in bed. All day.

A few months before this day I had injected hormones into my own stomach and put all my hopes in yet another failed treatment. For the week preceding this day we had no groceries whatsoever in the house because the sight of all the Mother's Day advertisements at the grocery, Target, Walmart or drug stores caused my heart to race and the tears to flow. Four years ago on this day I swallowed an antidepressant and alternated between sleeping, crying and wondering what in the world I was supposed to do in a motherless life when I knew since I was five years old that all I wanted was to be a mom.

It sucked hard.

But not today! Today I woke up to the first sight that I see everyday, which is a gorgeous, chunky baby snuggled up next to me and usually cooing to wake me up. On the edge of my bed I saw two excited three year old's, one with a card in hand and one with a gift in hand (a massage and facial gift card, hello). I got kisses times three and hugs times three. We spent a day at the zoo and ate a big yummy dinner and were all exhausted and ready for bed early.

Mother's Day is such a special day for me. It's like my personal Thanksgiving Day. I don't often feel thankful for having to go through infertility, but today I do. I can feel the gratitude in every cell of my body that on this day I got to wake up in such a different place than I did four years ago with all my dreams come true. It's all been worth it and even more worth it than I could imagine. I romanticized motherhood for many years and it's even better (and even harder) than I thought. Tonight before bed I asked the twins if they could give me a hug because it's Mother's Day and I'm their mommy. That sounds stupid, but for the third time now it's still a huge thrill. Mother's Day is a "pinch me" moment and I do my best to wallow in it for every bit of the day I can.

Happy Mother's Day to me, because I'm a mom, and those words never get old. And special thoughts to all the mommy's to be trying to complete their families or living through the loss of your little's, it's so hard and I hope one day your dreams come true too.

On this same note, I hope this is how all of life works. Today I woke up poor so in four years I will wake up rich, yes? Sounds good to me!

Nursing in Public

I have really wanted to nurse the Butterball, no bottles, no cleaning, no buying formula. I am not one of those people who is loud and proud and thinks we all need to bond together and whip out our boobs in public. Basically, I don't care. If you want to do that, do it. If you don't, don't. That's your business, feed your nugget how you please.

But it would be nice if it was a little easier.

I am currently rocking a set of 38G boobs. That is gigantic. There is no discreet way of whipping them out in public and the Butterball's immediate reaction to having a blanket thrown over his face is "WTF are you doing to me?" The Butterball nurses like a wild man, flailing his head about, whipping his arms around, sucking like he has never been feed before and may not get fed again. So I pump a lot and most of his food comes from a bottle via pumping, except at night, when I refuse to get up and make a bottle or pump and he gets breastfed directly on the breast all through that time.

We took a little family outing downtown to Barnes and Noble. We love to read real books, not digital ones, plus the train table and the little stage are all lots of fun new things. I accidentally forgot the Butterball's pumped milk in the car and it was a long walk so I whipped out my boobs to feed him. It was a snowy day so there weren't many people out which made it was the perfect time to try it. It was the usual flailing, girls gone wild, boobs in the wind experience. I text my mom to tell her if she see's my boobs on a surveillance video on YouTube it was all innocent, I was just trying to feed the little.

When we were on vacation, my little man was super fussy and tired and refusing rest. We were out as a large group at an outdoor restaurant for dinner. I found a nice little spot in the dark away from the crowd and fed him because feeding from the breast when he is tired relaxes him and puts him to sleep. Out of nowhere here comes two kids running around the corner playing tag. I stayed still so as not to draw attention and kept at it. They ran off without noticing me. A couple was walking out to their car. I knew they couldn't see me. I heard the doors open then BAM, spotlights right on my own spotlights, out in public. Seriously.

Needless to say, I have not mastered the art of nursing in public. I went to a  playgroup and a mom walked around feeding her baby. Yes, just walked around! You couldn't see any of her parts, she carried on normal conversations, watched her kids, no cover, no big deal. HOW DOES SHE DO THIS? I need to learn, but it's still a work in progress.

I guess this is all kind of a moot point because the boy is on a nursing strike anyway. It's like he is literally repulsed by my nipples. He is four months old now so I have two more months until my next goal of 6 months! Will I make it to a year? I don't know . . . It's definitely getting old, but I am going to try.

Hubby is the swaddle master. No baby can withstand the hubby swaddle.