Getting the hang of it

It's day 5 post birth and I'm finally getting the hang of things!

I am feeling a little bit better in the health department and can get around a little bit. The other night I had a good cry because I just can't do anything. I hear my babies cry and I see other people feed them and go to them when they need something and I can hardly stand up. But it's getting better! I feel a little bit like a tool for thinking that having major abdominal surgery would be easier than birth. Although, if you would have seen how hard it was to get Ever out of my body I know my body could never have done that on it's own.

I am just amazed every second by my babies. They are gorgeous! Everything about them is perfect. I am finally able to pump about an ounce of breast milk per feeding so they are getting half breast milk and half formula. I am continuing to spoil them with snuggles. People tell me not to let them sleep with me, but I can't help it! They're just too snugglable.

Last night was my first night that I really got to do everything. Every three hours I woke up to pump, then my mom would change Ocean and feed him and I would change Ever and feed her. I don't know what I would do without my mom! Hubby had to go back to work today and I really wanted him to get some sleep so he wasn't allowed to help last night. When the alarm would go off to pump it would be so hard to get up, but once I had one of the monkey's in my arms it was easy. Things are starting to run like clockwork and their first appointment is tomorrow!



Ocean on the left, Ever on the right



Ever at home for the first time



My sweetest boy having a nap

My Beauties

April 22nd, 2010

Ocean Michael was born at 9:30 a.m. and weighed 6 lbs 2 oz. Ever Ieleene was born two minutes later at 5 lbs 5 oz.

They are amazing and beautiful. We are head over heels in love with them.

The c-section went pretty well. Ever got stuck and they couldn't get her out, which has made recovery a touch more difficult. I was so hungry and thirsty but was not able to eat for almost more than 36 hours because I threw up a few hours afterwards. It turns out I threw up a bucket of blood and I was scared to death! The doctors and nurses were too so I was put on lockdown. Yesterday I was in a world of pain, I couldn't believe how bad it hurt!

Ocean had issues with his blood sugar, his breathing, and his body temperature. I tried to nurse him right after the c-section but they ended up taking him away and I didn't see him for 24 hours! He was supposed to be able to come in by the evening, but the nurse said he couldn't and I cried like a baby! I was so happy to see him yesterday morning. He is hilarious and makes the funniest faces.

Ever has the sweetest face with little tiny lips and a little tiny nose. She is such a sweetheart and a mommy's girl! I've already made the bad habit with her of letting her get in bed with me and snuggle everytime she fusses. This morning I slept with both babies in my bed for two hours and it was wonderful!

Hubby is the best daddy on the planet. We are having the best time. They were worth every single second of the wait, all the tears, the therapy and all the sadness that we experienced over the last several years. I could just stare at their little faces all day!

We are going home Sunday!



Ever and Mommy



Ocean looking around

Last Minute Jitters

Yesterday went by really fast because I was so excited.

Last night time started slowing. It's only before 9 a.m. today but I didn't go to sleep until after midnight and then got up this morning at 6:30 a.m. I think today will be long and tomorrow will be an eternity. My plan was to get lots of sleep, but that's definitely not happening. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to think of some way to space out the day to make it go by quicker but I can't think of anything.

The cramping and pressure have picked up quite a bit since Sunday. My stretch marks are now bleeding because they are so bad and my tummy is on fire. I'm kind of nervous for how my burning, bleeding stretch marks will feel after a surgeon cuts through them. I'm getting REALLY nervous for the c-section. I didn't read up on much because I'm thinking ingnorance might be bliss.

I realized that I just decided to breast feed but didn't take a class or anything. I don't know about pumping or what to do. I watched a YouTube video about tandem feeding. For weeks I felt like I had everything under control, but now I'm not sure if I know what I'm doing! Hubby is very excited, but also said he's worried about me because this won't be super easy. I thought of all the things I would do when not pregnant, but then realized I probably wouldn't be doing much but feeding babies, changing babies, eating, trying to sleep and hopefully taking a shower. I just can't wait to stop staring at this belly and actually get to do those things! I so hope that they are healthy and everything will be okay.

Tonight we are going to go on a nice date, our last for awhile! We have a lot to do around the house but I think a date is equally as important as cleaning the toilets.

Tomorrow is my last OB appointment and my last day as a preggo . . . eek!

Good news!

We have a NEW date . . . .

Thursday, April 22nd at 9:00 a.m.!!!!!!

Yes, you heard correctly. The babies will be here THIS Thursday. I am SOOOOOO excited. I didn't expect that at all. We were actually going to say we would be willing to wait until the following week if it meant we would get a morning time. Thank God I didn't leave that in the message. She said there was still a possibility for NICU time since they will be right at 37 weeks. I am not too worried about it though because the specialist said they look ready to go any time since last Thursday.

I guess being pushy and not taking no for an answer has it's advantages . . . .

The new countdown has begun:

2 days and 22 hours until baby time!!!!

The First Rule

In working with children for years I have found that there is only one thing that is the most important first major rule to dealing with kids: Be consistent! You have to be consistent and direct and even if it sucks or inconveniences you, you absolutely cannot go back on what you say.

I watch people do this all the time. I was at a friends house and I watched the parent's tell the 4 year old "if you do that one more time I will send you to be without food." It was ineffective. Why? Because even a 4 year old knows you're not going to do that. Or when I see people counting to 5 even though they know they aren't going to do whatever they said they were going to do once they get to 5 (sometimes they don't even give a directive) and then the kid is still screaming/crying/running around or doing whatever you didn't want them to do. Wrong!

Ocean and Ever are not even born yet and I violated the first rule of child control. It's not good.

On Friday and Saturday I have tried EVERYTHING (except for 3 hours a day of nipple stimulation, that's just weird) to get these babies to come out. My body hurts in all kinds of places and I have eaten spicy food, watermelon, and oils but the babies are still in. This morning I was having contractions and I was so excited I got up and plugged the camera in and was up for hours. But then they went away and the babies are still safely tucked inside.

How is this possible?? I figured it out! I violated the first rule big time. After a variety of scares, even going back to some bleeding at around 10 weeks of pregnancy, I have begged these babies to stay in. I wrote letters to them as little embryos in their petri dish to stay in. Even as little as two and a half weeks ago I had hours of false labor and desperately begged them to stay in. I told them they had better not dare escape if it meant they would be spending time in the NICU. Well, they are just following directions! How can I tell them something for nine months and then in the last two days just decide to change the plans? I, of all people, know that is not how kids work.

So I will have to be patient until super-stretched-out uterus decides to "rebel." At least it's good to know I have pretty typical kids in there.

Birthday Drama Part 2

So . . . .

After mulling it over in my head all day long and having several freak outs, I called back and told them that the time they gave me won't work out. Can you do that? My OB was out of the office and my regular nurse was with her so they left a message for her. Some other random nurse called back for damage control I think but I just said no thank you, I will discuss this with my doctor or nurse.

I have anxiety big time. I can give myself hives, breathing problems, vomit, you name it. I CANNOT sit around all day long thinking about having surgery and the babies without having a major freak out. Plus, you know how it is at hospitals, they might say 5:30 p.m., but it could be midnight before they get us in. The other issue is that hubby only gets three days off, which means he would have to choose between getting up at 6 a.m. and working all day and then attending the birth of our babies or taking the day off just to sit around the house and then the hospital and lose a day he could spend with the babies. That sucks!

I know in the real world our babies are just babies and all babies are special and blah, blah, blah. But we put in the time, the money and the effort and we should get to plan a birthday that makes us happy, not stressed! Then other paranoia's set in, like if it took them three days just to book an OR is the hospital overcrowded? Are we going to get shitty care there? Am I going to be one of those people shuffled in and out that ends up with scalpels still stuck in their body cavities after surgery?

So we wait for the phone call on Monday. Cross your fingers we get something better worked out! I have even considered just waiting until I naturally go into labor, even if it takes longer, that might be a better option. Even though that means that I will be miserable longer, the babies would be ready like they want to be and I don't have to worry about this crap anymore.

Or, the babies could just come out today, and we can forget the whole thing! :)

Birthday Drama

Get ready for whining . . . .

As I mentioned before, I said I would not leave the OB office on Wednesday until I had a date for my c-section. Well, I would have been there all day so the OB told me probably it would be Wednesday, April 28th at noon. I was very excited about that. They then called in the evening and said they weren't able to officially lock down the date and time so they would call me Friday. I got the call . . .

Nurse: We have a time for your c-section.

There was a long pause which told me I was about to hear news that I didn't want.

Nurse: It will be Thursday, April 29th at 5:30 p.m.

Me: AAAHHHHH! WHAT????

Nurse: I know, I'm so sorry! They are just really busy and then they had Thursday at 7:30 a.m. but then it got taken so this was the best we could do.

Me: Ugh . . . really?

Nurse: You'll just have to do everything you can to get them out before then.

Me: Click. Then crying commenced.

I'm so thankful to be pregnant, I really really am. But I have to get these babies out of me! When everyone convinced me it would be around 33-34 weeks, each day after 33 weeks mark is like at eternity. In my mind I had my date and time, and now it's been extended by one full day plus five and a half hours. The good news is I will get to take my babies home with me so I try to remember that the two weeks coming are going to make the babies big and healthy and I am very lucky for that. That's the only thing that is stopping me from doing something drastic, like breaking my water with my orange peeler which looks strangely like the things they break water with in the hospital.

This was my conversation at the specialist yesterday:

Nurse: Wow, I have never seen babies in this position before.

Me: Really?

Nurse: Yes, they are taking up every ounce of space in your body. You have body parts everywhere!

Specialist: I'm sure Ashley knows that. (thank you specialist)

Nurse: Aren't you 36 weeks now? Are you ever going to have these babies?

Me: I guess not.

Nurse: You're uterus is going to have to rebel eventually. You are stretched to the limit!

But there is an end in sight, I might be completely deformed and deranged by then, but the babies will for sure be born by:

Thursday, April 29th!!!!

From right now, we have 13 days, 6 hours, and 31 minutes until go time.

36 Weeks

TTC: 2.5 years, got knocked up the 30th cycle

What: Twins, a boy (Ocean) and a girl (Ever)

How I am feeling: Ready. I just want to meet them NOW! So does hubby, even Mr. Patience is asking them to be born soon. I am experiencing all kinds of pain no one told me was going to happen. I also feel so excited. I woke up last night wet and thought my water broke and I was really, really happy. But then I realized I was just super sweaty from night sweats. I feel very anxious because as we all know, even though I plan on having water break and then easy-peasy c-section, you never know what could happen!

Weight gain: 32 pounds

Cravings: I would really like a bagel and cream cheese. Also some spaghetti. Definitely could go for some ice cream. For a few more weeks though I will be sticking with the protein and low carbs. I will admit I have slowly been eating bits and pieces of my Easter candy stash. Whoops!

Milestones: I started weekly OB appointments and lost part of my mucous plug. We can see the babies going crazy from the outside. The babies are both super breathers now, and they breathe the whole time we have BPPs (they are not really breathing, but their little practice movements).

Signs of labor: As of last week, I am 50% effaced but not dilated. The babies have dropped. I think I am going to explode soon!



Here is the belly! I am really surprised that at NINE months gestation with twins I am not bigger. You can see that my stretch marks are pretty brutal. They actually hurt now as well. If you are in this predicament, I have tried everything and the most soothing thing for the painful stretch marks is vaseline!! Works like a charm! I keep that and Preparation H next to my bed. Yummy!

I went to the specialist today and the kids passed the BPP in just a few minutes with flying colors. They asked me if I am ever going to have these babies. The monkeys seem perfectly happy where they are! They are positioned in a way that has my uterus stretched to the absolute max so she said my uterus is bound to rebel anyday and she can't believe it hasn't already. I guess I have a very flexible uterus!

Still Here

I had an appointment this morning. No babies yet! She offered to check my cervix but I passed, nothing special has happened and that's not the most pleasant experience.

The good news: my blood pressure was high and they figured it was from the pain, so I got a muscle relaxer that is safe for pregnancy. Yesss!!!

The bad news: I still don't have an exact date for the babies! My OB called to schedule it and she said she thinks it most likely be Wednesday, April 28th at noon that the c-section will occur. But then they just called awhile ago to say that they are having trouble with the OR and getting it locked in so they will let me know before the weekend starts on a for sure, definite date and time.

No worries I guess. I did tell the OB to keep her schedule clear because the babies will be out of here by Friday! She laughed. I'm totally serious. Tomorrow I will be 36 weeks pregnant with twins. Crazy!!

I'm going back to being stoned now . . . .

Bad Karma

I guess I have really ticked off the universe in some way . . .

Saturday began nasty swollen play dough foot. Monday was a freak case of wicked hives from some type of allergic reaction which led to an emergency doctor's appointment.

Tuesday: My back blew out! What the hell? My foot looked a lot better today so I decided I needed to vacuum for the babies arrival. I picked up the vacuum and my back locked. It is painful and spasming and it hurts to turn my neck to the left side. I can't take the good drugs (muscle relaxer, mmmm) so I went to the chiropractor. When my back spasms, it pulls on Ever's sac and she starts moving around. I hope it's not hurting her! It's funny how worried you can get about your babies before they even come out. Being emotionally unstable, the other day I cried when Ocean got hiccups. He gets them all the time and there is nothing wrong with that, I just feel sad that I can't pat him on the back or do something to comfort him. :) Cuckoo!

Hubby said he would see me tonight after work. I said to just drive straight to the hospital because the babies are getting evicted TONIGHT! Really, there is no sign of that happening so I'm sure they aren't going anywhere, but I was hoping maybe the chiropractor could crack just right so that my water would break. No dice.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow? Perhaps it would be smart if I drew the blinds, locked the doors, and stayed in the the safety of my bed all day . . . .

Mucous Plug

I don't know how to spell mucous I don't think so deal with it . . .

ANYWAY - part of my mucous plug came out!! I was SO excited. I know that's totally disgusting and for some people it is still weeks until birth after it escapes, but for some birth happens relatively quickly afterward (please be me, please be me). I called hubby to tell him:

Hubby: Is everything okay? I just talked to you!

Me: Guess what, my mucous plug is coming out!

Hubby: See, I told you, everyday is one day closer. Did you save it?

Me: What?? Why would I save that, do you want to see it?

Hubby: Well, you have all your pee (he is referring to the five pregnancy tests that I still have) in the baby box so I wasn't sure if you wanted to keep that too.

Ha ha . . . .

And that's not all the excitement I had today! I broke out into wicked hives and welts. It spread so fast I was super panicked. I took TWO benadryl and took a shower then iced all the welts. I called the doctor and they said to come in this afternoon. I also have only one very swollen foot and ankle that I've had for several days. Well, the two benadryl knocked me out cold! And the babies too, normally they are wiggle worms when I first wake up but they are stoned. So I missed my appointment and told them I'm not coming in. The nurse gave me a huge guilt trip so I went in anyway.

The rash could have been anything from allergies to something pregnancy related. The one swollen foot is a big concern. Swelling in pregnancy is very common, but the fact that it is very bad in only one area isn't good. The fact that I don't have high blood pressure means that we're probably okay for today but it needs to be monitored as long as I have a mushy playdough foot.

The doctor said it should be any day now! Oh please, oh please, oh please be right!!

Partners in Crime

Last night was a rough night. Ever desperately wants a prime piece of real estate in there, but Ocean has it. Nice and low and spread out ready to roll. Poor Ever is smooshed up top under my ribcage. For some reason in the night, she tries her best to change positions.

I love her to death, but I need her to stop. Last night at 3:41 a.m. I woke up in intense pain. I was partially happy because I thought maybe it meant birthday time, but then I realized the little monkey was just up to some trouble again. I got up, went to the restroom, and tried to go back to sleep, but it hurt too bad. So I went and rocked in the rocking chair. She continued on her quest for another 30-40 minutes but I think sitting up settled her down.

I let her know how this all works. I told her she just wasn't being efficient. Instead of trying to get next to him, she needs to push him down and if she does this hard enough, his water will break and we can all go to the hospital and then she will have all the space she needs! She tried for awhile longer, but he is one stubborn little guy.

So we're all still here! As much as I want to be done, 37 weeks would really be the best. That would be in one week and three days. I am also refusing to leave the OB office on Wednesday until we have a date and a time so the official countdown can begin!

News Articles for Real Geniuses

This is what I saw while obsessing over the height/weight gestational chart on Baby Center . . .

Meth Exposure May Be Worse for the Fetus Than Alcohol

Gosh darnit. I thought when I traded in my daily vodka fix for a meth addiction I was doing my babies a huge favor.

WHAT??? Why would anyone think that meth would be better for a kid than alcohol? Why would anyone think that alcohol would be good for a fetus? Is there really anyone on the planet who thinks meth is a good idea for pregnancy, I mean not someone who is addicted, but just thinks, I'll do this meth and everything is fine? And then the people who care enough to research pregnancy issues on Baby Center would really need some clarification on whether meth or alchohol will do the most damage?

Sheesh . . . . .

I Watched It

The epidsode of 16 and Pregnant from this week with the twins. Due to my more positive nature these days regarding the whole infertility thing, when I watch the show I mostly feel sorry for the girls. But, ick!! Sometimes it just makes no sense. How can these girls have these babies, then worry about maybe getting back together with ex-boyfriends, cry their eyes out because they missed out on homecoming week, and look at their kids with little emotion in their eyes when there are infertile people?? It freaks me out . . . . This season of the show has been much more depressing than the last one. It's probably good though that they are highlighting the difficulty of having a baby when you are so young.

Seeing the little twin girls made me think of Ever though. Ocean is measuring right on track with a singleton and has super long legs. Her legs are rather long as well, but she is tiny in the weight department. It's funny to me that I'm going to be having such a tiny little child.

This was me, born almost 5 weeks early . . . .



FAT!!! That is a premature baby. Scary, huh? Here is another photo which highlights my pleasantly plumpness in the first few weeks of life:



Yikes!

I was going to maybe not post this weekend because I'm sure you're getting sick of me. I post a lot because I'm bored, but also because in a few years I want to look back at this time. There is a company, I'll have to look up the name again, but it will turn your blog into a photo book, so it's like a journal you can read through. Someone also brought it to my attention that you all might think I'm at the hospital giving birth! That's a good point. On my list of things that hubby must grab is the laptop with the photo cord for the camera. :) My shampoo and granny panties come second to the necessity of getting their little photos out after they are born!

The Good Thing About Infertility

Bet you never thought you'd see a title like that around these parts, right?

Last night hubby and I had a fun night together. All we did was go to the mall (I'm trying to walk for 30 minutes a day because I feel like a blob) and then go to a restaurant. Nothing exciting. But it was so fun just being together. On they way home we stopped for a movie and hit the couch to watch it. Hubby said he wishes I could still fit next to him for snuggles. I reminded him that if we were in his duplex, we would just roll out the mattress and watch the movie in the living room on the floor. We both laughed and thought about those days. It was fun. I made about $150 a week and I was in school and the duplex was about the same size as my car. But we had such a great time together, no matter what, and we still do.

We are now average American wage earners and live in a little home. We had much bigger plans, until infertility hit us and the down payment for our dream house slowly trickled out of our savings to pay for baby making. When we were going through the process of treatment, this would piss me off to no end how unfair it was. But last night the bright side of that dawned on me . . . .

As Americans, "stuff" is so important. Where you live, what you drive, and how you compare to the neighbors. We have friends (some are ex-friends because this does annoy me) who it is all about stuff. They have no money but find ways to spend it on expensive things and then fight. There are people we know who fight because they want to spend it on expensive things but they don't have the cash either. We know people who can afford things and it's all they talk about.

We certainly used to fight about money as well. A few months into our marriage, we realized we had a much bigger battle on our hands than why we couldn't live in a new house and buy new vehicles anytime soon: INFERTILITY. Infertility can certainly destroy a person's relationship, but in our case, we came together and did this whole thing together. Money and stuff just wasn't important anymore. I got to see what an amazing hubby I have. We have fun together and enjoy each other no matter what. Having dinner on our back deck is fun for us. Watching movies is fun. Sometimes we just lay in bed and talk about random things. Last year we planted our first vegetable garden.

Now when I look at my house and neighborhood, I don't think about all the upgrades we need. When I go to a friend's nice, new place I don't think about how bad I want one too. When I see my house, I think about our new nursery that we designed together. I think about the back deck and enjoying time. I think about the future, pushing the stroller out onto the sidewalk and through the neighborhood to the park. I look at our floors and think about little hands and feet crawling on them. I can't imagine pulling into any other driveway in any other car on any other street and being able to feel more happiness. If we had just gotten pregnant when we wanted to with little effort, I don't know that I would feel the same way as I do now. Now I know if anything happens to us and we end up back in a rental duplex the size of a shoebox on a mattress in the living room, I will still have a wonderful hubby that I can have fun with AND the big bonus, two little monkeys. Money can't buy feelings like that.

Infertility took it's toll, that's for sure. But it also gave me a gift I didn't know I had. When I think about the future, I know I have exactly what I need and I am thankful for that.



This is us, back in the duplex days, almost seven years ago!

The Latest

50% effaced.

NO dilation.

Still at 29 pound weight gain (yay).

Still no freakin' date for my c-section.

So, it's back to the bed for me. I was going to watch the episode of 16 and Pregnant from last night but the girl has twins. I don't know why that makes me more uncomfortable than the usual teen moms, but I don't like it. I'm sure I'll watch it anyway.

To the specialist tomorrow . . . .

Operation Baby Eviction

I have come to the terms with the fact that these babies are ready to exit. I could lay in bed all day but it won't make a difference, they're ready for the world! Yesterday the babies dropped, which has caused my already freaky looking stomach to look a little freakier. I was up from 3:00 a.m. until 7:00 a.m. having issues, even though I rested on my laurels all day. I decided that instead of fighting it and freaking out, I am going to support their decision.

Due to hubby's work schedule, the babies are not permitted to make their grand entrace Sunday through Tuesday (unless it is Tuesday after 4:30 p.m.). Operation Baby Eviction can only take place Wednesday through Saturday of each week. I spoke with the doctor this morning and she said that I should hold tight until my appointment Wednesday and she will check on them then (my first internal exam, ick). As long as there is not water, blood, or contractions again every 3 minutes for an hour we should be okay until then.

If you google ways to start labor, there is some truly sick stuff out there. I'm not going to mention it, but you can look it up for yourself. I'm not going to do anything sick, twisted or dangerous. I am just going to rub my belly, think happy water breaking thoughts, and discuss the highlights of their arrival with them (in no particular order):

1. Mommy and Daddy snuggles
2. Spring weather
3. Light
4. Non gestational diabetes food found in my breast milk (reese's peanut butter egg breast milk has to be a lot better tasting than carrot stick and cottage cheese amniotic fluid)
5. No more being tormented by ultrasounds and NSTs (they REALLY hate those)
6. Meeting all their family, especially Daddy
7. Space and freedom

Hopefully these things will entice them and they will make their arrival peacefully when I'm ready for it and on hubby's schedule. A girl can dream right?

I am going to share a disturbing photo with you. Last week before the almost-accidental-baby-eviction incident, the sun was shining. I thought the babies would really enjoy some time in the rays and the warmth. So . . . . I put on a pair of hot pants and a bikini top. Oh yes, I did. Hubby was very surprised to find this when he came home. After he stopped staring, he chased me up the stairs with the camera. I was cornered so I looked at the ceiling hoping he wouldn't do it. But he did. And this is the aftermath:



Yes, I took that ginourmous white beast of a belly in my back yard looking like this. Seriously, have you EVER seen stretch marks like that before??

Easter Candy

Dear Gestational Diabetes,

How dare you come into my life during Easter candy season. I do not want to walk into my kitchen and choose carrot sticks and cottage cheese for a snack, I want some of the delicious candy that comes out only once a year. Reese's peanut butter eggs just taste extra scrumptious in the form of an egg instead of the usual circle shape. I could devour a whole carton of chocolate covered marshmellow eggs. Cadbury cream eggs? Yummy! Robin eggs? Tasty! I have all these things hoarded in my kitchen just waiting for after the removal of my two placentas so that I can enjoy them, but it is oh so tempting.

Eff you gestational diabetes!!



Dear babies,

I can't wait until next Easter when I make you a basket and the Easter bunny comes to visit. You will of course be dressed fabulously. We will have a wonderful meal and I am going to take 200 pictures of you.

Mommy loves you!

Freaked Out Completely

The meltdown occurred! I knew it was brewing in there . . . .

Last night we were invited to a birthday party at a restaurant. I didn't think this was a big deal because I would walk through the parking lot and then sit at a table so it wouldn't be a huge violation of my bedrest. I do that stuff all the time.

As soon as I got out of the car, I felt like my stomach was being pulled down, but weird things happen in pregnancy so I thought about it briefly and then moved on. I starting cramping up a little while waiting to be seated and once we sat down, the contraction began. I could NOT believe the pain. So I started chugging water which is the first line of defense when cramping/braxton hicks/contractions start unexpectedly. I continued to smile and chat but hubby knew things weren't going well. The pain continued and didn't stop. I ate, maybe the babies just need food?? After several hours of this, I told hubby there is something wrong. He said he would get up and go find our check and we would leave, but I didn't want him to do that. Five minutes later when the waiter hadn't come, someone noticed the look on my face. I said I was fine, but then panicked. I got up with my stuff and hubby got up after me and we booked it. I was obviously crying my eyes out and also felt like a total ass for leaving dinner that way. We just left my check card at the table with our friends to pay our tab! Someone in the elevator asked if I was going to have the baby then and I didn't reply because I knew I would probably say something very rude.

We drove home and I was completely freaking out. I did NOT want the babies coming out last night and I was also in total shock at how bad real contractions feel. When we got to the house, hubby said to wait in the car and he could get my bag. Even though I was in pain, my water hadn't broke and I couldn't feel a head or anything so I said that I should go in, lay down and see if it resolves itself with the pressure being off. After a total of 3 hours of contractions, at one point with them coming at 2 minutes apart, they started fading. I *KNOW* my doctor will kill me for not going in, but I just didn't want them coming out and denial is a powerful thing! Today I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My hips, legs and back are intensely sore. My stomach is as hard as a rock, like a permanent contraction. The babies have moved some, but not a ton. I am scared shitless to leave my bed for anything. I also feel like such a drama queen for just bailing out at a sit down dinner with hubby in panic mode.

I thought of two things that made me freak out and get upset as this was happening last night:

1. My body told me NOT to be doing that as soon as I stepped foot in the parking garage. I ignored it and the babies could have been born because I was being an idiot and was dying for a reason to put on some make-up, decent clothes and socialize like a normal human being.

2. I thought of Ever at my Thursday appointment weighing in at 4 lbs. 4 ozs., which made me think of my 5 lb. hand weights. She would be smaller than that, my little purple 5 pound hand weight. And it would be all my fault. I thought of the NICU babies in the video at birthing class (which were actually mostly in the 1-3 pound range, so smaller than my monkeys are right now) and I thought of my babies being in those plastic containers with tubes and things hooked up to them and I totally lost it.

So now I am a hermit. I gathered water, a large collection of DVD's and food for my bed and I am not leaving it. I don't really want to because of the pain in my body, but I am especially not leaving so I don't screw things up again. I've contemplated calling urgent care where my OB nurse works to see if she should check on things as I am in pain, but I'm not having contractions now so I guess I will just hang tight.

Crazies

I went to my specialist appointment today and am happy to report that Ever's weight is not really a concern. She weighed in at 4 lbs and 4 ounces and Ocean weighed in at 4 lbs and 11 ounces. Yes, you heard correctly . . .

I HAVE ALMOST NINE POUNDS OF BABY IN ME!!

For the first time ever, we did not pass our BPP. I got moved to the NST room to be hooked up to monitors. Ocean wasn't practicing his breathing. Once I got hooked up, Ever's heartrate was weird. I thought about panicking because I did not intend to be in the hospital today, but then it all turned out fine. The nurse laughed everytime she came to check because she said that I have the wildest babies she has ever seen! They are a couple of crazies. They move non-stop!

I wasn't totally surprised that things weren't perfect today because of the pain I have been in and the rough night I had last night. Constant braxton hicks and major sweating. I was so hot and uncomfortable and sweat like I was on a run. I am down by a pound today as well.

THE BEST NEWS - We will most likely get to schedule the birth for 37 weeks! YES!!!! I know it's only a week, but I just don't think I will make it to 38. Three more weeks until monkey time!