6 Month Stats

This is actually almost 6 and a half months.

So here we are, at 26 weeks . . . . .




TTC: 2.5 years, got knocked up the 30th cycle
What: Twins, a boy and a girl
How I am feeling: My pubic bone is on the verge of separating and sleep is tough. Other than that, still feeling pretty good!!
Weight gain: 22 pounds
Milestones: We can feel the babies on the outside now so hubby gets to share in the excitement. Twice we have been able to see them moving (which is kind of weird but also really awesome). The MOST important thing has happened, viability!! Obviously a baby born at this point would not be very healthy and we hope they have a while left in the oven, but they now have a chance at life outside the womb. It makes me so excited!! For a bad milestone, I got my first stretch marks. Deep purple. Sexy.
Cravings: None right now, although some nasty reflux gives me food aversions. Actually, I guess I crave steak. I love red meat right now.
Signs of labor: All violations have shown that my cervix is still closed up tight. I had some shortening, but it doesn't matter because it is so long anyway.



Some baby photos:



Baby A looks just like his daddy. Except hubby doesn't look like an alien. He has a grouchy face in this photo. He hates being annoyed by ultrasounds. He tried to get away, but the specialist caught him.



I love this one of Baby B! She looks like an actual baby. I love her chubby cheeks. She doesn't care if people take her picture. I can't wait to see her in real life!

Natural Childbirth

There are two words two summarize my feelings on this: NOT INTERESTED.

Early on, when I thought there may be just one in there (lots of people with higher betas than me had singletons), hubby was interested in a natural homebirth. He wanted to literally rent a tub and have our child in the living room of our house. I watched some You Tube videos and the answer was absolutely not. I also felt the overwhelming urge to slap him for wanting me to experience that kind of pain when it's not really necessary.

When you watch You Tube videos of this, there is usually not sound, they are set to nice, relaxing music. Last night at class two of our multiples birthing class we watched medical birthing videos. We watched in detail as the baby came out the lady parts and then watched the placenta plop out afterward. Much to my satisfaction, hubby made some uncomfortable noises and after it was over he said "never mind." Yup, that's what I thought you'd say.

I realize that this is natural and women have been doing it for years. Women have been doing lots of other things for years that I wouldn't do. I do not care whatsoever if people want to go out to the forest and give birth in a river or have babies in kiddie pools in the living room. Whatever floats your boat! But if you ever have to have a conversation with someone who has done this, you will realize that like many things other mothers do, they are far superior to you, which is someone like me, who is thrilled to be having a c-section. Have you ever seen "Baby Mama?" There is a portion of their birthing class where the teacher is saying who is going to have a natural, wonderful, spiritual, relaxing birth experience and everyone raises their hand. Then she says, who is planning a harsh, scary, hospital drugged up birth and the surrogate raises her hands and says "whoop whoop!" That's me!

I am no doctor, but I have done some serious research. Four hours of childbirth on You Tube. FOUR HOURS!! I can tell you that pretty much all babies came out exactly the same. There were only two that came out a little different. One was a vaginal birth with epidural that the cord was wrapped around the head. Poor baby. But she was okay. The other was one of the water births that I watched. The baby was seriously confused looking. It had no idea what the hell was going on. By the way, who decided a water birth was natural? It's natural if you're a dolphin or beluga whale, but human's are land mammals. I don't get it. The other two water birth kids came out the same as all the others, vagina's in the hospital, vagina's at home, epidural and drug induced vaginal's and lo and behold, c-section babies (who are more attractive by the way because their heads aren't all smooshed up).

So, women who want me to give you a round of applause for having a natural birth while you look at me in horror as I comfortably think of my c-section, I might give you a pat on the back. Also, smug mamas, a c-section is medically necessary for me as this is my first birth experience and my monkeys have stayed in a t-shape so far. The only other award would be "dumb ass of the year" because really, all the other babies came out the same. Now, I obviously haven't had time to do a follow up study to see if the natural babies are now Harvard scholars and the epidural or c-section babies are high school drop outs so I could be totally off.

But I'm a proud c-section planning mama! Whoop whoop!

$20.83

I really don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, BUT . . .

. . . . this is the bill I received from my RE's office recently. Really? Do you really need $20.83? I annihilated my savings with a money order for the initial payment for IVF. I paid around $900.00 for the required testing at the IVF consult. After my betas came in I got a bill for $670.00 for my saline thinger that we did before IVF started and then the three betas tests. I paid that. And now, somewhere in their records, they have decided that they need an additional $20.83.

Obviously I wrote the check and $20.83 is not going to bankrupt me. But is that really necessary? The previous $10,270.00 didn't cut it (obviously this does not include meds, hospital and other fees not paid to them)?

But then I think about if it hadn't worked. My other cycles didn't work. I paid $75.00 a month for 8 failed Clomid cycles. I paid a little over $2,000.00 a month for three IUI's. And I got nothing from those but additional bills at therapy and the acupuncture place. It did work, so if they really need twenty bucks I can fork it over. I did love my RE and the whole office in general so again, I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I did after all spend more than that yesterday on some cute baby outfits.

On the other hand, if they find a missing $5.00 in the next few weeks I might have to call and rip someone's head off!!

By the way, I just had to watch "The Pregnancy Pact" last night. I told myself I should probably watch the Kardashian's instead and maybe a little Giuliana and Bill, but I was too tempted. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's about all those girls, I think there were 18 of them, in a high school that all became pregnant and supposedly some of them made a pact to do it together. Can you truly imagine that? I mean really think about that?

Friend 1: Hey friend, I'm pregnant now so you should do it too right away.

Friend 2: Okay, I will.

And then they do! They actually get pregnant when they say they are going to, right when they feel like it.

Mind boggling!

What the F?

What the f$%^ is up with the awful pregnancy television out there?? We are currently relocated to my grandparents home due to the massive man style nesting occuring at our home and they have something we don't: CABLE.

I have found a long list of craptastic pregnancy related tv in the last week. I know I shouldn't watch it because it raises my blood pressure to dangerous levels, but I just NEED to. It's unexplained. Perhaps something to bring up in therapy.

1. 18 Kids And Counting: Do I really need to say anything?

2. The New Season of Teen Mom: They have found 10 more teen moms to document. I was honestly addicted to the first season, but the fact that they have found 10 more teen geniuses kind of makes me worry that this is a more prevalent trend than I though. One of them is having twins. Boo.

3. I'm Pregnant and . . . : This first episode was "Pregnant and in Prison." Again, need I comment? The second episode I watched was "Pregnant and Homeless." The bleeding heart in me wants to feel bad for these people but being the flawed individual that I am, I don't. Getting pregnant is really out of our hands, so many things have to happen perfectly to get there. But NOT getting pregnant is totally in your hands. There are all kinds of methods to use to prevent pregnancy. If you and your spouse cannot keep a job to save your life and you have to live in a tent, it might be nice to consider not procreating. The person was so worried her child would go to social services. Duh! Your child should go to social services. If you can't feed, clothe, or provide shelter for your child, you should not have children. Sorry to get all Republican on you, but really, some personal responsibility for your situation would be good. I'm so happy to know society doesn't want to have to pick up the tab for infertility (although if you are paying for your insurance haven't you earned it??) but we are picking up the tab for peoples situations that they can actually prevent being in.

4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant: I can't even believe this. Seriously. Is this a joke? I could understand not figuring it out for a few months, but not knowing until you are in a public restroom popping out twins? What?

Yes this sounds very bitter. It's because it is. I have been behind on ICLW so have been reading up on tons of blogs. I can't believe that people, wonderful, sane, adult people are having all the troubles we've had in the infertile world while these morons are parading their idiocy on reality television. It leaves an icky feeling in my stomach.

Sigh.

To finish up on a positive note, we had our first night of birthing class. It is all multiples, so mostly older couples and people who have gone through infertility. It was nice to just talk to a stranger in real life about this stuff. Hubby and I were grinning like kids in a candy store, we just couldn't believe that we were there in a room full of people like us. And we were talking about us having a baby. Lots of people tell me "you are so tiny, I can't believe it's twins!" One person even asked me if they are healthy. No thanks on planting the seed of paranoia in my mind. But the monkey's are perfectly healthy and also now viable. Back to the point, looking around the room, I am tiny for a twin mom! I have been very lucky to not experience swelling and be right on track with weight gain. It was a little boost of confidence for me. My body has finally agreed to cooperate! As soon as we can get our stuff together, the 6 month stats and belly picture will be up.

Not For You Miss Ashley!

*Welcome to ICLW* Warning: This blog is heavy on the pregnancy related subject matter!! If you want to continue, thanks for stopping by!


Today I was sitting at a table with two fifth grade children. They both come from families that are open with them about the birds and the bees. While I was at home for my embryo retrieval, one of these children overheard a staff member talking about why I was gone. I found this out when I returned, apologized to the parent, and the parent was very sweet about it and apparently spoke to her child about it.

The child began talking about her boyfriend and mentioned sex. I told her she really shouldn't be talking about that. She told me she knows all about it. I told her I know that and that's great, but there is a difference between knowing what it is and thinking about actually having it. I then stood up with my big belly and told her that this is what happens as a result and it's not something she should do for a very long time. Her response was:

"Not for you Miss Ashley! My mom told me about you. You could have sex all day long and never get pregnant!"

Of course I suffered an initial few seconds of shock. Normally something like this might bring tears to my eyes, I might need to retreat to my office to take some deep breaths or hide in the bathroom and cry. Maybe even just go home and be depressed. Definitely I would feel sorry for myself.

But that's not what happened. To my surprise, I laughed my butt off!

After quickly regaining my composure, I told her that yes, she is right about that. But for most people that isn't true. I told her if she needed to talk to me about stuff that was fine, but to promise me no more sex talk with boys at school! She promised me no more talking like that and also that she would not have sex until she was 20 and in college.

I guess I'm not going to be a very good example for preventing teen (or preteen) pregnancy, since I apparently have the luxury of having sex all day long without getting knocked up!

6 Month Stats

This is actually almost 6 and a half months.

So here we are, at 26 weeks . . . . .




TTC: 2.5 years, got knocked up the 30th cycle
What: Twins, a boy and a girl
How I am feeling: My pubic bone is on the verge of separating and sleep is tough. Other than that, still feeling pretty good!!
Weight gain: 22 pounds
Milestones: We can feel the babies on the outside now so hubby gets to share in the excitement. Twice we have been able to see them moving (which is kind of weird but also really awesome). The MOST important thing has happened, viability!! Obviously a baby born at this point would not be very healthy and we hope they have a while left in the oven, but they now have a chance at life outside the womb. It makes me so excited!! For a bad milestone, I got my first stretch marks. Deep purple. Sexy.
Cravings: None right now, although some nasty reflux gives me food aversions. Actually, I guess I crave steak. I love red meat right now.
Signs of labor: All violations have shown that my cervix is still closed up tight. I had some shortening, but it doesn't matter because it is so long anyway.



Some baby photos:



Baby A looks just like his daddy. Except hubby doesn't look like an alien. He has a grouchy face in this photo. He hates being annoyed by ultrasounds. He tried to get away, but the specialist caught him.



I love this one of Baby B! She looks like an actual baby. I love her chubby cheeks. She doesn't care if people take her picture. I can't wait to see her in real life!

It's Tough Being Cheap

I am a total cheapskate. If it's not on sale, I do NOT buy it. I know that's odd for a 25 year old, but I've always been this way.

I have adopted a new pregnancy attitude as I head into the week of viability. The week I can finally allow myself to really and truly allow myself to think realistically of bringing home two babies.

Which means now I am on the warpath. I need the clothes to be ready and washed. I have shopped for specific outfits (on sale of course) for the monkey's to wear at the hospital. I bought my first nursing bra yesterday, so I thought I'd follow it up with a few nursing tanks to put in the bag for the hospital (although I am not planning to be at the hospital for a few months).

A nursing tank is $24.98 at Motherhood Maternity. $24.98???? Are you kidding me? There is no WAY my cheap ass will be able to spend $25 bucks on a cotton tank with holes in the second layer for my nipples to poke out. Nope. Not going to happen. Other than pants, just because you can't get away with it and those Bella Bands suck, most of my clothes are not maternity. I just can't buy clothes that I know I will only be wearing for such a short time.

The baby industry is like the wedding industry, the powers that be know that people are so desperate to accomplish the image of the dreams in their head they will spend anything. Seriously. If you are cheapskate like myself, take a trip to Babies R Us. You will crap yourself. Of course if you are reading this and are an infertile, you already know this! Why, oh why, didn't I dream of being an RE when I was a small child?? That would have been smart.

My new attitude is telling me we will not get derailed in our missions anymore. So I found them online at oldnavy.com for $14.50 each. Much better. Except there is shipping . . . a cheap ass' nightmare! :)

Jolly

Of issues that I've experienced in my life, body issues are definitely on there. I work out a lot and love a physical challenge. I thought that body issues would be tough on me going through pregnancy when there are so many changes and you gain weight constantly.

Nope! I LOVE my pregnant body!

The belly is so smooth and stretched out. I love touching it all the time. Although I don't do that in public in case a closet infertile is around. I didn't appreciate that sight during my infertility depression and I don't really want to do that to someone else. But when I'm home, the hands are constantly on it. I don't even wear a shirt on the belly at home so that everytime I go to the bathroom I can take a good long look at it.

I do miss working out and will be working out after the monkey's arrive, but I don't miss it that much. I want the babies to get here safely and in one piece, but I will certainly miss having them with me and rubbing the buddha all day.

It is fun at work because the kids run up and hug the belly. They talk to the monkeys and when they leave, they don't just say goodbye to me, they say goodbye to the belly as well. I feel big and jolly, like Santa. It's so nice when you thought you would just feel fat and gross, but instead you feel beautiful. I can't wait to take some maternity pictures to commemorate this once in a lifetime event. My next belly pic is coming on Wednesday when I will be 24 weeks. I hate when people touch me, but it's okay when people touch the belly. I know how much joy I get out of it, so I may as well share.

Don't take this post to mean I'm not getting my boobs done when breastfeeding is over. I most certainly am and have also got the name of a surgeon who will fix them up so the insurance will pay! Also, spanx will be my best friend. My thighs are getting pretty volumptious. I'm not concerned at this point because all I care about are the babies, but I will be stuffing them like sausages into a good pair of spanx.





A note on the word volumptious: it means fat. I had a long discussion with a friend about this last week. If someone says volumptious in regard to you, you should slap the shit out of them.

100 Posts

Holy cow, I have now posted 100 times. Weird.

Considering my life is boring, I can't believe I've had 100 things to say since July. It's so odd reading back through them. It also helped me realize I have serious issues with anxiety. :) But who doesn't, right?

Only 6 months ago I was scared and excited to see what IVF would bring me. I remember feeling like the experience was kind of fun and exciting although totally anxiety inducing. Waiting each day for my fert report and seeing my embryos on the TV screen. It was so exciting because it was a piece of me and hubby put together. I think it was a little more exciting than normal due to the hardcore happy pill they gave me for that day. The next day I was crying my eyeballs out because we only had one left to freeze. Several days later I was convinced it didn't work and was researching any other tests I could take to figure out why it didn't happen. I peed on a stick the night before my beta so that I could still go to work and deal with the bad results. But they weren't bad results!

Now I'm completely in love with my fetuses! I dream of holding them, kissing them, and smelling them. But I never feel 100% comfortable. When you get used to sadness, disappointment, anger, and all that good stuff it seems like it should be permanent. The monkeys are healthy. I'm mostly healthy. Viability is one measly little week away.

I wonder if one day I will forget about being infertile. I wonder if after I have my babies I will never be jealous of people who get pregnant naturally again. I wonder if I'll ever be able to forget that I can be a huge failure at something. I don't wonder if I will love my babies more than anything because they didn't come easily because I know it's true. It's just weird feeling. Joy, fear, excitment and total confusion for my 100th post.

Aside from the deep things, I wonder if my boobs could get any bigger. When people told me my boobs would be huge when they were pregnant I thought they just didn't understand. I have 36DD's, so I figured most people's little mosquito bites got bigger because they needed space for milk. Wrong. I wonder if I will completely embarass myself during labor, because even if the pain isn't horrible, my anxiety will cause me to freak out. And just like everyone else, I wonder if I will take a big crap on the table. Hopefully having a c-section will eliminate that. I wonder if the babies will be cute or weird looking. I of course imagine them with the best of each of our features, but they could have the worst of both of our features. I wonder if I'll become a total moron after giving birth like some people I have encountered.

After previewing this post, I realize I need to get a life because all this thinking is making me weird. Does anyone have any ideas for hobbies for people who can't work out and have ADD?

Daddy's First Kick

My babies always know how to make me feel better! Their movement has picked up a ton since my depressing appointment this week (and thank you to all the encouraging comments regarding the OB prediction).

Because I can feel their kicks I can't tell if I can really feel them on the outside or not. Hubby has been wanting to feel them for awhile. When they start up their nightly womb party I always grab his hand to let him feel. He has not been able to feel them although I just couldn't believe how he didn't! Wherever he puts his hand, they kick.

So finally on Monday, at 22 weeks and 4 days, hubby felt his first kick! It was so cute and exciting. We are total losers because we have talked about it nonstop. It's just so awesome that he will get to start being more of a part of it.

Tonight I was waiting for hubby to get home from his business trip to Utah. I sit around the house like a fatty, with my chia belly always out of my shirt and exposed. The belly and I were watching American Idol when I had major movement begin. And I SAW it!! I could actually see it through my skin. I called hubby right away to tell him about it. Now we are on belly watch so that hopefully next time it happens he can watch too.

Keeping a list of the greatest moments of pregnancy, it's awesome to have two things in this one week (to even out the score of the pubic bone of death):

1. The surprise of the first positive pregnancy test
2. Finding out there were two sacs in there and we are expecting twins
3. Seeing them move like crazy at my first OB ultrasound
4. Hubby getting his first kick
5. Me seeing them move

Those are the peak moments. They are way better than the low moments: vomit to the point of rib damage, pregnancy induced migraines, a 3 day bleeding scare, pubic bone nightmare, and the worst thing-constant anxiety. Really any one of the five best things so far takes away all the other things. I think two of the best things ever happening in one week is a good sign. Next week is a biggie, viability!

I'm feeling better about my early due date fear. I think they can make it further and I think I might be able to work until 32 weeks. My guilt about risking their health for transferring two embryos is minimal. Twins do occur in nature and due to my age most people assume mine are natural. Ha ha ha!! One of hubby's coworkers told us we better be careful after these or we might get another set since we are so fertile. Right! I will also pass the buck on the guilt to the doctor's. They did tell us our embryos were great and we had a greater chance of twins than a singleton and a great chance for a singleton. BUT, and here's the big but, they also told me I wouldn't even need Clomid. Then they said I would definitely get pregnant on Clomid (which must have been why I was on it for 8 months). They also gave me a 79% chance of success with IUI. So really I can't blame myself for not believing in my good chances and putting in two anyway, they created a monster. :)I'm totally innocent, as always.

An Attempt at Bursting My Bubble

I had an OB appointment today. We began chatting about work and I told her I would really like to make it until 32 weeks. She said that we'll see. She meant that we will see if the babies aren't born by then!!

Gasp!

I was just talking about when I would be able to stay at home and keep my feet up. She let me know that she felt we should realistically be looking at the monkey's arrival around 33 weeks.

Double gasp!!

When we went to our first ultrasound and found out our due date of May 13th, we were told to expect the babies about a month before then. So I figured I would work until April and meet my my monkey's in the middle of the month, maybe even the end. Slowly my timeline I made up for myself has been chipped away. But 7 weeks early?? No way!! My goal is to keep them in until 36 weeks. My goal is to work until 32 weeks. I'm keeping my goals.

It gives me just a touch of guilt when I think about my little love bugs coming out so early. My embryos were really good and I am only 25. I could have just put one back in and not put them at risk. Now that they've been with me for almost 23 weeks, I can't imagine life any other way but with my prince and princess. But I can't help feel a little guilty.

I'm going to brush those feelings aside though because they are the most important thing now and they are both here. So if I can't make it at work until 32 weeks, then I can't. If I need to spend more time in bed, then I will. If they come out at 33 weeks, they will be okay and I will take care of them. But my bubble isn't officially burst yet.

I may have to go part time in a month anyhow with all the appointments I have! Twice weekly NSTs start in 5 weeks. Check ups with the perinatal specialist will continue. I have been in pretty serious pain down below for a few weeks and it hurts to walk. My baby boy is putting lots of pressure on my pubic bone so I also need to try to fit in trips to the physical therapist to prevent a break. I can't imagine what breaking my pubic bone would be like, so hopefully it won't happen!

I guess I should have read one of those damn pregnancy books . . . .

Thanks Universe

I've been cursing the universe for a few years. I started out trying to make babies while I really got into the secret. Positive thoughts, visualizations and relaxation. Vision boards even. All that good stuff. Obviously after a few rounds of Clomid where I was sweating from the hot flashes, it wasn't working, I was packing on weight like nobody's business, and having to go in for blood tests and sit in front of the OB's wall of babies, I told the universe to go eff itself and the positive thoughts flew out the window.

Not only did I just not think positive thoughts, I was bitter and extremely pissed. I've already admitted to being judgemental and I could not believe that people could get pregnant in their circumstances. I did everything right so I should be having a baby!

I have become shamelessly addicted first to "16 and Pregnant" and now to "Teen Mom." I don't worship it like I do Lost or The Bachelor, but I don't miss an episode. I would watch "16 and Pregnant" and it would make me fuming pissed. What the hell was wrong with the universe? Why were these little idiots having babies and married, employed, college graduated me was going through hell?

Now I'm pregnant myself and watching "Teen Mom." For all of those girls it could definitely be worse, but in comparison to what I want out of my life, their lives suck pretty bad. Although I've experienced deep depression like never before going through infertility, I think I would be equally as depressed if I had been getting ready to go off to college and have some adventures and instead wound up knocked up by a kid who doesn't really like me and living off my parents. Obviously if I could have avoided going through all the treatments and just got pregnant naturally that would be preferable. Obviously if life were fair everyone would either get pregnant naturally when they want or everyone would have to do their time and spend the big bucks getting knocked up. Obviously if I weren't pregnant right now I would still be cursing the universe with full force.

But it is nice to know that as much as I would have loved to have gotten pregnant easily, I can be proud of my life and know that my babies are coming into a good situation. Two loving, committed, and thrilled parents. A good home. Both of us have been gainfully employed at our jobs, make more money than when we first started trying, and both have benefits. I have already accomplished my goal several years ago of finishing college. We are able to support our babies and ourselves and be good examples. And we have the luxury, which 80% of the procreating population does not, of understanding how truly special, amazing, and awe inspiring it is to be parents. Just because the teenagers have babies does not mean they are lucky. It sounds stupid, but I've thought it before.

I don't think that everything that happens is meant to be. I know that's odd because having that belief is typical human behavior, but I think just about everything happens for no reason. So there really is no reason, in my opinion, that teenagers who can't handle it have babies and loving, wonderful, responsible adults don't. No divine reason anyway, the real reason is that the teenager had sex without contraception. The real reason that I did not get pregnant is not because the universe thought I would be a sucky parent or I hadn't earned my right yet, but because my eggs are too hard to let the sperm in. Simple things.

When people have told me "it will happen when it is supposed to" and "it's meant to be," I thought it was stupid, but know that is how we are trained. It only made me feel worse because I couldn't understand why it wasn't meant to be. So thank you universe. I'm glad that I was never a teen parent and appreciate how lucky I am today for a gift that most people take advantage of. And thanks Dr. B for making some babies for us. So I would like to also thank my brain that has finally made the connection and lifted those guilty thoughts off of my shoulders.

Life is good today.

Infertiles in the News

There are rarely good things about infertility in the news. It should come as no surprise to you that these articles really aren't positive in the aspect of infertility.

First we have the troubles of OctoDoc. The board has found that he is negligent due to transferring too many embryos. It is not popular to have this view in the infertility community (so I am preparing for the comments in the comment section), but I completely agree and do not believe that women should have more than 2 embryos transferred regardless of their situation (I saw that women over 40 can have up to 5, I can sort of live with that). I chose my RE in part because they said they will not ever do that for any patient, regardless of age. I felt that they were more interested in their success rates than money, which made me feel good and trusting of them. They said they mention it because some women want more, but it's not going to happen. I would prefer all doctor's functioned this way, but I'm not sure about laws.

Psych evaluations for ART procedures is something that I can't decide on. I do not think it's fair to analyze the amount of children she already had. No one has made the damn Duggar's go for a psych evaluation, so solely based on her previous number of children I would not think it ethical to require her to have a psych eval unless we made all human being who reproduce do the same thing. Her previous number of children should have come into play only because it shows that she can be successful with ART procedures so it is not necessary to transfer SIX embryos into her body.

On the other hand, I think a psych eval would be necessary because someone who could not deal with having extra embryos without having to use them all is not, in my opinion, a good candidate for such a procedure. IVF is a scientific medical treatment, if your beliefs cannot deal with the science aspect it is really not something you should do. We were not required for a psych eval, although I can admit I personally sought professional help to deal with my issues before I was comfortable doing IVF. I think it's a tough call. I know she feels that she could not live with "wasting" embryos, but she repeatedly did fresh cycles when she had frozen embryos available, so she had been "wasting" them herself for years.

OctoMom is such a bad example for us. Majorly bad. And so is her doctor which I hope people realize (although I know they don't) that most ART procedures do not occur like this and most doctors would not behave this way.

Next up, J. Lo! She speaks of her religion and how she would not mess with something like IVF because it is not God's will. Right . . . . I totally believe that a 40 year old got pregnant with fraternal twins and no medical assitance whatsoever. NOT!

Hot Hormonal Mess

I love ultrasound days, but today just wasn't the best. Venting and whining coming, you have been warned!

Where I work when there is a snow day at school I still work and kids still come. I won't go into details, but this is just beyond the capacity of employees there to deal with. I'm not going to go into details in the event someone is reading. My new goal in life is to find a job where there are no people. Does anyone have any ideas? My hormones and aching vagina can't tolerate this. The countdown has begun to maternity leave, which with twins, can start around 28 weeks. That's only a month and a half.

Well, because no one can ever follow directions, I got a phone call early in the morning and could not get to sleep. I went to bed way late last night so I am working on not much sleep. This doesn't help my level of self control.

I laid in bed for an hour trying to fall back asleep because I knew the day would be hell. I got out of bed and ready for my ultrasound. I got there with my new insurance card which now makes me pay double the co-pay as in 2009 for the specialist. My insurance doesn't 100% cover the ultrasounds so I also pay extra for those. But it's okay my babies are worth it, so I tried to get over that.

The specialist office was packed! I got there the usual 15 minutes early and hubby wasn't there. I didn't think it was a big deal but then I got called really quickly. Still no hubby and I really wanted him to be there. So I tried to call him and my phone wouldn't work in the office. I got all ready and sat on the table. Then the tears started. Like not just a misty eye, bawling crying tears! The doctor and nurse came in and were worried. They were so nice to offer for me to wait until he got there but I didn't want to get behind all those other people. I then realized, and I was VERY embarassed already from crying, that I left my underwear on for my cervical check!! I felt like the biggest jackass on the planet. She said it was okay, that pregnant women cry all the time and it's not a big deal. I still felt like a huge loser.

Mike showed up and I didn't say anything which I think was totally awkward for the doctor and nurse. But I didn't want to say anything that would be bad. I did have good news, that the babies are very healthy and they are up to a pound, which is perfect. All their little organs were functioning and the were measuring great. My cervix is still closed up tight although I've been having many a Braxton Hicks contraction in the last few weeks. Huge relief!!

So we walked out and I maintained some dignity. Then I cried for the next 3 hours straight. I cried to hubby, who was trying not to laugh, which was good, because I would have ripped his balls off, and told him that it's not acceptable and that we only get to do this once and he should not miss anything! He apologized. I cried at Goodcent's like a nut job while ordering a sandwich. I cried at work, which is something I try to not do but unfortunately at my job there are plenty of things to cry about. Then I cried about nothing. All day. Now I get to drive home in a blizzard.

The good news is that I think my daughter is so adorable. My little man always hides from us and I want to see his face. He doesn't care, he just gives us the butt. Our little princess just stares right us. Today she even yawned, like whatever bitches, I'm so over you! :) I tried to think of that everytime I started a crying jag, and it helped, but those hormones are so powerful!

Important Questions

Life is full of questions. There are a few I have asked myself repeatedly over the years. Answers are the best and I have a few.

1. Will I ever get pregnant? - Icky, ick, ick. That one gets old after a few months, let alone after a few years. But the super fabulous upside of it all is that the answer was yes.

2. Will I stay pregnant and have healthy babies? I don't know this for sure, but I feel good about it. I think our babies will be healthy and fabulous. I can't wait until they get here.

Now, for the most important question:

3. What will they look like? This is a vain one but I think everybody has a good time while TTC wondering if their offspring will get daddy's eyes or mommy's hair.



This is Baby Me!



This is Baby Hubby! (It's black and white because he's old. :) If you're reading this, I love you.)

We both have big eyes and chubby cheeks (I know, totally rare for babies, right?). Except his eyes are blue and mine are brown. He was a long baby, 22 inches! I was a fat baby, 8 pounds something ounces a month early. He's bald, I'm hairy.

Oh the possibilities!

I've had dreams about the babies but most of them are newborn dreams and newborns look like raisins. Or aliens. Or alien raisins. But I had one dream before I got pregnant that I was out shopping with my daughter. She must have been similar in age as I am in this photo. The cashier at the store said your daughter is so pretty and you look so much alike! But my prediction is a bald girl and a hairy boy.

I know they have a lot more baking left to do in my oven, but the anticipation is killing me!

What in the Nipple Leakage is Going On??

Any moron on the planet knows that sick things happen to you when you are pregnant. But I am definitely a moron because this threw me for a loop!

You read correctly, nipple leakage. Yep. I am not even 5.5 months along and the boobs are getting ready for feeding. I thought there was something wrong with me but I guess not. My many friends who are smart enough to pick up some pregnancy books and actually read them have told me this is normal. Well, they read that it's normal, but it hasn't ever happened to them. That makes me feel good.

I am a little apprehensive about the whole breastfeeding business. I know it's mother nature and all, but let's just be honest, nothing about us being pregnant really has anything to do with mother nature. I have agreed to breastfeed though because my poor hubby will not be getting his way of a home water birth in the living room. I thought I might have issues with breastfeeding due to the fact that baby making didn't go over so well so I assumed anything having to do with mother nature and babies would be a bust. Boy was I wrong! These bad boys are already rarin' to go!

My sister in law so kindly offered her breast pump to us, we just need to buy the parts. I have to be able to pump and take with me if I am somewhere. I can assure you that I will never be a public breastfeeder. Because of public breastfeeders, I do not desire to do it at all. It's not a popular mommy thing to say, but I find that really odd and unnecessary. I would never go so far as some to think we should have laws banning it, but it's just not my favorite. I remember watching Barbara Walters get ripped on "The View" because she was talking about how she was uncomfortable with a woman breastfeeding her baby across from her in an airplane. At the time, I could not understand why anyone would be offended because Barbara was uncomfortable with that. It's not like she was saying people shouldn't do it, she was just expressing her discomfort. If you ever bring this up to a gung ho breastfeeder you can practically see the steam coming off of their heads. First they will say it's just natural and then all kinds of odd things come out of the wood work:

"Well, do you eat in a bathroom? Why should my baby have to?" - Well ma'am, because I don't want to see your boobs while I am trying to eat lunch in the food court at the mall.

"Well, if you look at my breasts that are nourishing my child and this beautiful and natural situation and think it's gross you must be a pervert!" - You're exactly right ma'am. Me NOT wanting to see your boobs in the middle of a public, crowded area makes me a pervert. Me NOT wanting to explain to the 12 boys I have brought here on a field trip why your nipples are showing and then have to send home emails explaining why their children looked at grown women's nipples on an educational outing makes me a pervert. Mmm hmm.

"Breast milk is natural. Feeding infants from your breasts is natural. Formula feeding is inferior to the breast." - Well ma'am, lots of things are natural. Having sex is natural and beautiful and healthy. So is taking a shit. That doesn't mean I pull down my pants and take a dump in the food court at the mall. No one needs to see my asshole, or the natural product that comes from it.

Yes, these are not popular responses to the beauty of breastfeeding. But these are just the things I think. I think breastfeeding is great, in private. Seeing people breastfeed has made me not want to breastfeed. But I am now willing to give it a shot. And now that I know that my breasts are overzealous and anxious to perform this act, I guess it's destiny! Hubby is so thrilled about this new achievement. Something new happens everyday I guess! You should be getting a very interesting report from me once I experience breastfeeding for myself. Very interesting indeed. The nipple leakage is odd enough for me, when there is a whole river of milk coming out it should be crazy. Healthy and beautiful and natural of course, but also crazy and weird and nothing I ever imagined doing.

2010 - Finally

It has arrived! 2010, the year that hubby and I will finally have a family. The end of 2009 was the most exciting ever, but the majority of 2009 sucked. Here's the replay:

*Early 2009- Decided to start the new year off with our 3rd and final try at IUI's with injectibles. After being emotionally drained from the other two failures, I put on my big girl panties and thought this would be the one if only I wanted it bad enough and had a positive attitude. FAIL.

*We receive our foster license!

*Everyone we know decides to get pregnant, leaving me in bed, naked, and crying for several days thinking it just isn't worth it anymore. I meticulously plan my day at work to avoid the millions of pregnant people working in my building. I find happy pills.

*We attempt to adopt instead as I am fearful of IVF. We get really excited about it until we find out that IVF would be half the cost. Back to the drawing board!

*Before 2009 is over, we take in 5 foster kids. We have a lot of fun and it is just what I need to quit feeling so sorry for myself.

*I try tons of natural things to help with my fertility. My cycles regulate and I look fabulous but no dice on the baby making.

*I go to an IVF consult at my current RE and decide he is a dick and will never get me pregnant. Someone refers me to RRC and Dr. B and I go get a consult there. It is amazing! The atmosphere is completely different and the staff is wonderful. I decide to let this group try to knock me up!

*I have a few setbacks thinking about money and failure, but mostly I am 100% on board for our 1st IVF. When we couldn't come up with the $20K for the refund program, I almost decide it's not worth the risk, but then realize I have nothing to lose. The experience was draining, but also exciting. I tried to get myself in the mindset I was in when I started Clomid, thinking this would do it and picking out baby stuff. I anxiously awaited my call every morning to tell me how my little embies were doing. We ended up with 3 good ones, 2 put in, one to freeze.

*September 1st, 2009-THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!! I got an email from the RE office that my beta was positive. Although I worried endlessly, I was so excited.

In one year, I had the worst days of my life and the best days of my life. And here we are, FINALLY. The year we've been waiting for and thought I might not ever see. The difference between January 1st, 2009 and January 1st, 2010 is unbelievable. 2009 was no hope, and today we are planning our future with dreams coming true.

Happy New Year!! I hope 2010 is a dream come true for everyone!