Judgemental Myrtle

I don't make New Years Resolutions. I don't care if there is a new year, I should always be trying to improve myself. For example, I wish I wasn't such a slob. But I don't care about that enough to try to fix it so it would be a waste of a resolution.

The one thing I wish I could change about myself is that I am super judgemental. I can't really help initial thoughts that pop into my head, I just wish there was something I could do to stop them from continuing from there. Or from starting at all, but that's kind of unnatural. Passing judgement is natural, but I think I do it WAY too often.

It's always been my nature. Since I was a teenager, for dating, I have a list. The list has approximately 37 things on it. When I would be out and about or if I had a date, I would always keep these things in mind. If the person had three or more things on the list (aside from a few zero tolerance things), then no matter how attracted I was to them or how much fun I was having there would be NO second date or future. Many people found this hilarious and just assumed I would end up single, but thanks to my list I am married to the best hubby ever. Obviously a success like this is great for my life, but bad for my want to change my judgemental nature because it completely validated it's importance.

As an infertile, I am very judgemental of pregnant people. Are they married? How much money do they make? Do they live at home with their parents? Do they provide benefits? What are they eating? Who are they dating? Did they plan this or was it an accident? All of these things are NONE of my business, but it happens nonetheless. Never in my life have I cared if people are married or not to have kids. I think I just do this because I want to feel better that it took us forever but at least we have met all the "requirements." But there aren't any requirements and being married doesn't mean that you are a good parent, I know that. And some people don't even get the chance to be married, like gay people, which that completely pisses me off (as you may know from previous posts).

Not only am I judgemental, but I am a hypocrite. I am completely non-judgemental of infertile people. I feel like we deserve all the free passes we can get. I don't care about money or living situations or anything, I think infertile people should get to do whatever they want. Actually, I take that back, I have a huge peeve of people who transfer tons of embryos, but we won't get into that. But that's it. Otherwise, if a person is infertile, they can do no wrong to me. I am also more lenient on people who have less money and have had a tough life, who are Democrats, etc.

I know that passing judgement is completely normal. But I don't feel that my level of judgement is normal. It's normal for me, but it would be freeing to just accept everyone as they are. Does this actually happen? Does anyone do this? I feel like it's a worthless resolution to make because it would probably require a brain transplant.

I want to be less judgemental for when the babies come out. I want to be the parent that says "as long as my child is happy and healthy, I will be proud." But that's not true. There are a lot of things that would make me disappointed. I know I will be judgemental of myself, if I'm doing things right, or if I screwed up my kid. When I go to therapy I talk about these things, but he says this is all normal human behavior.

But is it really??

5 Month Stats

This is coming 2 days early:

TTC: 2.5 years, got knocked up the 30th cycle
What: Twins, a boy and a girl
How I am feeling: Very sleepy and hips starting to hurt from the added weight. But I changed my diet from fast food 24/7 (yummy) to healthy stuff and I am feeling much better!!
Weight gain: 17.6 pounds
Milestones: We have been bumped up to 2 specialist visits per month. I got pictures of the babies faces today! They went from little balls bouncing around in their sacs to being smooshed in the sacs. So cute! Still waiting on consistent movement from them . . . .
Cravings: None right now!
Signs of labor: NO!! Thank goodness. I got violated today and my cervix is still closed up tight.



We will be celebrating the holidays, I hope everyone has a great week!!

Name Change

I have been thinking about doing this for awhile, but haven't had the balls to do it yet. The name of my blog is changing!!

Infertility has left a scar on me. I feel so much joy now that we are going to be parents, but I think it will be awhile before I will forget what infertility did to me. Hubby and I went out to dinner and bought the babies some gifts for our Happy Half Baked Day. We were chatting about our excitement and how it was so hard for me to believe this is finally happening. That seems like a dumb thing to say since it's been happening for over 19 weeks, but it is just hard to grasp the reality. Hubby thinks I need to move on from infertility and just forget about it. Wouldn't that be nice? Although I feel super blessed that we are now pregnant and all the joys we are experiencing, when people announce pregnancies or send us birth announcements it still bothers me. Not nearly as much, but it still does. I am fully aware that life isn't fair and I don't wish going through ART procedures on anyone, it seems insane that people get pregnant from having sex. I don't think I will ever get over it. Everytime I think about it, it blows my mind.

BUT . . . . I am going to change the name of this blog! From (In)Fertile Myrtle to . . .

Artificially Fertile Myrtle

In order to be more positive, I am going to think of myself as fertile. Because I am, once we found the right procedure. I'll never be someone who says "oh, I get pregnant everytime the wind blows" or "I even get pregnant on birth control," but I am fertile in a sense that I am going to have children. Just like the day I had just failed our final IUI. It was freezing balls and I was at the grocery store and I just pulled into a spot thinking it was a little bit of luck to ease my pain that I got a great parking spot on a weekend. Nope! It was the "Expecting Mother" parking spot. My first instinct was to cry and cry. My next instinct was to park in it anyway, but I was expecting to be a mother, even though I didn't know if it would be from IVF or adoption. :) And I was right.

Halfway!!!

Today is a big day! I am half baked for my 38 weeks of twin pregnancy! Next week I will be 5 months pregnant. It is so unbelievable. Going into my first IVF I was very hopeful, but also fully aware of all the possibilities. Many times a person has to do more than one IVF, chemical pregnancies are pretty common, and the worst would be to experience a loss. I can't imagine it. But I did imagine it before we went into this. In two and a half years, I had never been able to get pregnant so who was to know if I could stay pregnant or not? After failure upon failure, I had no idea what would happen to us. Maybe my eggs would be terrible quality or maybe we had genetic issues. With IVF, you learn so much more about your body than just doing Clomid or IUI's because they really get to see what they are working with. Maybe we would walk in and we would have no eggs at all of any quality. It was exciting, but also terrifying. We could learn that it is just not possible for us to have biological children, period.

I have been super tired and it takes at least three hits on the snooze button to start to wake up. But today I woke right up because I remembered the halfway mark. I went from using the Baby Beat everyday, to now maybe once or twice a week. I almost always do it with hubby there so that we can both hear them, I don't want him to miss anything. And in the back of my Debbie Downer mind I worry that I will be alone if I can't find a heartbeat and I don't want that either. I need hubby for those things. I checked on my own today and they were both there, in their usual spots, hearts beating away. Still trucking through everything. I now go to ultrasounds to pick out body parts, not to see if they are still alive.

We've made it halfway!! I really think we will make it all the way to the end now. So bizarre that this is happening to me . . . .

Donut Flavored Vegetables

This is what I really need. I have never really enjoyed veggies, but used to at least eat them in powdered form blended into a mixed berry and pomegranate juice shake. French fry flavored veggies would be good too. I NEED to eat better, starting now. After Burger King for lunch, I ate fresh grapefruit. I feel like I'm going to barf. I at least used to enjoy fruit, but not since pregnancy! But I slept for 14 hours last night and I know my tiredness is a result of my disgusting eating habits. I don't really need sugar, just tons of meat and salt.

When you are pregnant there are a gazillion restrictions. A new addiction I've acquired since pregnancy is drinking pop. I never drink pop, but now I need it everyday. That is a big no-no. It has caffeine in it, which is bad. Real pop has too much sugar and diet pop has aspartame, which is also a no no. Yet I drink it. Soft cheeses are bad. I am craving goat cheese bruschetta but I haven't eaten it. I will admit that I have not denied the feta or blue cheese that is added to a salad. Naughty. Although I truly love hot dogs, I have not had any since pregnancy. But I have had lunch meat, which carries the risk of listeria. I use Palmer's Cocoa Butter for stretch marks once a day on my itchy tummy. I was just told yesterday that it registers a level 6 out of 10 on a danger scale. I get tons of ultrasounds, which could also cause harm, I think one kid in history became deaf from them. I almost forgot, I just realized that my face moisturizer has salycilic acid in it. My babies don't stand a chance!!

So what I am saying is, I'm a terrible mom already. I don't really believe this, but the judgemental mommies of the world look at me with horror. Someone asked me, "what has been the hardest for you to give up?" Sadly, the only thing I have given up is vodka. And chiropractic adjustments. Otherwise, I have carried on. This person obviously looked at me like I'm the devil. Which I am.

I have carefully looked for deformities in my children due to my consumption of turkey sandwiches and Diet Coke. We haven't found any. I love my babies very much, but propaganda or not, I just really like turkey sandwiches, is that so wrong? Obviously the babies love turkey sandwiches because they always sound good. But the evil eye I receive from other women makes me a touch paranoid. I guess I have never looked at a child in my program who is wild or misbehaves and thinks "ugh, that mother clearly consumed hot dogs while pregnant."

But I will give it a try, I will try to eat healthier. I bought caffeine free diet coke, which still has aspartame, but it's a step in the right direction. I am going to try to gather enough energy to attend water aerobics. And yes, I will be rocking a bikini. I have gained 12 pounds as of my last OB appointment (I refuse to weigh myself at home) so we will see what happens next Monday.

Mystery of the day: I work in a school that has 100% automatic flushing toilets. Why, then, is there child pee in most of the toilets just marinating in the bathroom everyday? If the toilets flush automatically, shouldn't there be no lingering pee? Weird!

To Child Birth Class or Not to Child Birth Class?

I have registered for the "Marvelous Multiples" childbirth class, but not officially, because I haven't paid for it yet. I feel like I should really do this, but I had an experience that has traumatized me.

I watched FOUR hours of childbirth videos on YouTube.

DON'T do this, EVER. You will be scarred for life, just like I am. I did this because I joined a board of normal fertiles. Some are very passionate about natural childbirth. I figured babies must come out really effed up if you take an epidural, otherwise why would these women be so passionate about it? So I decided to do my own research. As a result, natural birth is not even an option for me. Also, if you need to know, all the babies were the same whether you had an epidural, c-section, or not.

I want to take the class, but my YouTube experiment freaked me out! It will be so real and scary when I actually go to the class. Or it will be nice because I will go into labor with some information. It would also be fun for hubby and I to do together and meet some other moms of multiples to be. But my hormones are not to be trusted at this time. What seems like a good idea, could lead to me crying my eyeballs out and developing a larger fear of childbirth. I have not read any books people have suggested or swore that I should read before children because I feel that it's best to wing it. But winging it in this situation might be bad.

So, what is your vote? Do I go to the class, or is ignorance bliss??

Post-Baby PCOS Instructions

The munchkins aren't even out yet, but I had received advice from the RE about what to do with myself after they are born. The message:

"Get on birth control and stay on it!!"

This is supposed to help a lot with PCOS. The two worst things associated with it are diabetes and heart disease, two things I don't want. BUT - other than cysts on my ovaries and irregular periods, I have NONE of the other symptoms! Before IVF I went to the endocrinologist to have her test for everything that could be associated with it; blood sugar issues, testosterone issues, thyroid issues, or any other hormonal dysfunction that could be related to PCOS and infertility. They took 7 vials of blood. All tests came back beautifully, I am the picture of perfect health.

I don't have a problem with birth control. In fact, I never gain weight on it and can keep my weight regulated easily while on it. I like the "control" part as well. Even after all we have been through, the thought of an unplanned pregnancy doesn't excite me. Although I love babies and can't wait to be a mama, I don't think becoming accidentally pregnant 3 months after giving birth to twins is something that would make me feel very excited. But maybe someday in the future I would like it.

I know there are a ton of speculated causes of PCOS. Diet, lifestyle, hormone imbalances, genetics or a combo of these. BUT - I blame the birth control! Before birth control pills, I did not have irregular cycles. Painful, yes, but not irregular. I was like clockwork. I was physically fit, I did not have acne issues. I don't want to get on pills that mess up body. I took lots of herbs and had a special diet for over a year and it had no effect on me having ovarian cysts. I also think PCOS is a blanket diagnosis and PCOS is actually a bunch of different diseases that we don't have names for yet.

I know it seems silly to think about birth control after not being able to get pregnant without major medical intervention, but I want to make a decision. I've noticed on other boards/blogs that surprise babies seem to come relatively quickly after a successful treatment. Or maybe I'll never worry about it because no matter what I can't be pregnant without IVF. We only have one frozen embryo and odds aren't great with those. Although, my clinic only freezes excellent quality embryos so it is a day 6 fully expanded blast (it doesn't get better than that). And maybe I will never want to have any more kids, 2 is plenty right? And the weight management associated with bcps is nice.

I don't know, I guess I will worry about getting these two out safely and by that time I will have a decision!! Next Wednesday I will be at the halfway point of my twin pregnancy (not quite halfway for a singleton). And then on to the big turning point, viability at 24 weeks!! (although these monkeys better not even think about coming out at that time!!!!!)

I'll Take the Combo Please

It is offically a combo, a little boy and girl!! I haven't cried at any ultrasounds yet, although in my previous life I thought at the sight of a heartbeat I'd be a hot crying mess. It's been so surreal it hasn't happened, but seeing two healthy babies in my tummy that will be my son and daughter made me a little misty eyed.

I already feel like a bad mom at the sight of this:

This is my baby girl! I watched her brother repeatedly kick her in the head. She is in a position where she is always trying to look right at us at ultrasounds. She still looks like skeletor face and chunky body, but I just know she is going to be adorable. Anyway, she looks like she is reaching out to me to help her!! I thought she looked very uncomfortable but the doctor said she will be fine. But I feel bad not helping her, I just eat and sleep. Bad mommy!

The good news is that the specialist did not think that my placenta will be an issue. The bad news is that at only 18 weeks, my twice weekly cervical checks have commenced. This occurs two and a half months later in a singleton pregnancy. I guess it's balanced though, twice the fun, but twice the violations!!

I haven't bought much because luckily I have been offered many hand-me-downs from moms of girls. I couldn't resist a little pink dress with white polka dots though. I will also be carefully watching the blog of a wonderful online friend because her daughter dresses SO cute so I need to copy her (I won't name any names, but I "met" her on Resolve and she has a beautiful daughter that starts with the letter "R").

Aaah, feeling much better. Didn't I tell you an ultrasound would help?

Maternity Clothes and Baby Books

My grandma so kindly bought me some maternity tops a few weeks ago and I love them. They are comfortable and they help people figure out if I am acutally pregnant or have just been storing up a hefty fat supply for the winter. A friend also gave me some clothes, but she is so tiny that even her maternity things are just a little too small for me. I do not want to be spending money on maternity clothes because I don't ever plan on doing this again. I combed Craig's List looking for a "lot" of used maternity clothes for a good deal. There were a few but they were all small or medium. What?? Don't medium to large ladies have babies and sell their clothes on Craig's List?

So off I go today because I actually have some energy for the first time in a long time to buy some more tops! I am cool with two pairs of jeans and a pair of black pants, but I need shirts. The above photo is of my maternity jeans. SEXY!! I look like Tweedle Dum walking around in them before I pick out a shirt, but they are ridiculously comfortable. I don't think I will ever wear non-elastic band pants with zippers ever again.

Now that I am comfortable being pregnant and don't use the Baby Beat everyday or think gloomy thoughts about what could happen to me or the babies, I am ready to put together a pregnancy book. They have really cute ones ready to go in stores, but they're not really for infertile people who did IVF. There are slots of u/s photos, but not for embryo pictures. I love that we have pictures of our babies as embryos! It's just something really special that we got out of a shitty journey. They also don't have slots for emails from the fertility clinic with my beta numbers wishing us congratulations. Also something that I'd like to save forever. So I am going to go Martha Stewart style and make my own baby book. It's a better place for the ultrasound photos than the mismanaged accumulating pile on the kitchen table.

Better!

Okay, I had a lovely chat with my therapist and he gave me some new perspective to hold onto. He also told me that infertility probably makes it worse, but that mind consuming fears are normal in all pregnancies. We talked a lot about my job which is STRESSING me out. I am just not sure what my dream job would be, but I know this is not it. My sweet hubby is working his rear off for a better financial situation so maybe in awhile I can stay home with the monkey's until I figure out what to do. I don't necessarily need to not work, it would just be nice to go to a job that I look forward to and that makes me feel rewarded, instead of like pieces of my unused brain are slowly dying off. I left work crying yesterday because I'm so tired of it. I don't get a ton of joy out of it, but I do have job so that is looking on the bright side. Hubby bought me tickets to the Nutcracker to make me feel better. Not to mention, I only have four months left until maternity leave, woo hoo!!

The kids at work do make me laugh. My boobs are getting pretty big these days. I don't really want to buy a new bra because a 36DD seemed big enough for the last 10 years of my life, but it looks like I will need bigger! One of the 4 year old kiddos who loves boobs looked down my shirt and said "whoa!" Obviously I told him that is not appropriate (just like the other times that I have actually had to talk to him about grabbing them), but then I had to laugh. Trust me, it's a little scary! Another child came out with two cones in his hands, put them on his chest, stood next to me and said "I'm Mrs. Big Boobs." Nice. Don't ask me what's wrong with kids today, because I don't know!! But they are pretty funny.

It's way past my bedtime being 8:45 p.m. so I gotta hit the showers!! Less than 7 full days until I get to see the babies and see if that was a vajayjay after all on Baby B!