Emotional

I am going to have to take a break from the funny stuff and the sexy naked chests to admit that I am getting a little crazy. Yes, I know, I'm already crazy, but in the last few weeks I've been feeling weird. Just emotional and kind of angry and extremely exhausted. But the exhaustion is not just physical, but emotional as well.

This is hard to write out because a lot of my good blogging friends are still on the trail. If I were you and reading what I am going to write, I would be like "what a bitch, she has what I've been working for, who is she to complain?" Which is fair. If I were normal, I would not feel guilty about this, but being infertile changes you and how you think about things. So, I'm about to whine my ass off, if you can't tolerate it, you have been warned (and I understand)!

I don't tend to really like people and would mostly prefer to be away from others (except at night, I don't like to sleep in my house alone). This has intensified big time in the last few months. It went from not really liking people, to the thought of having to be around others enough to make me crawl in my bed and not come out for hours. It has made my job very difficult. I don't know why this got so much worse recently, but it did.

I'm confused. Not like "pregnancy brain" that fertiles talk about all the time. I don't leave my keys in the car or anything, but it's like a sense of not having a grip on reality. Everytime I lay down or drift off at home or when I go to the bathroom at work I lift up my shirt to check the mirror. I feel like this can't be happening. I could understand this if I were still at 7 or 8 weeks, but I am almost 17 weeks pregnant. I've had tons of ultrasounds, but I can't wrap my mind around it. I loathe child birth and breastfeeding conversations and I thought it was because people are so annoying and full of it when chatting about this, but it's because I don't see it as MY reality. I feel like I've stepped into someone else's body and am going through the motions of someone else's life. I completely blame infertility for this (and partially blame the adjustment disorder my therapist diagnosed me with). When I started trying to get pregnant the doctor didn't there would be any issues. It would take about 4 months she said and good luck. Then I went in and the thought I had PCOS and I didn't even need Clomid but I begged her to give it to me. Everyone was baffled when that didn't work. I was given huge odds of success with IUI's. I just think that people can now tell me something, but I don't even think of it as being true. I have honestly wondered if my growing belly is a tumor and not babies. Psycho!! I always thought I would cry at that first sound of a beating heart, but I watch these things happen and I don't connect it to myself.

I'm emotionally drained. I worry all the time. I worry about the babies. I worry about myself and if I'm never going to be me again, but just a big confused, angry mess. I worry about normal pregnant people stuff, like will I survive labor and what if the monkey's come out looking like aliens. What if the monkeys don't even make it to labor?! What if something is terribly wrong with the monkeys?!! What if I become psycho mom? What if my relationship changes forever, which of course it will, but I mean for the worse?

I am flat out pissed off. I feel like I have been pregnant for two years because that is about how long I've had fake hormones flowing through my veins. I feel pissed because I am not myself. At Thanksgiving there were so many babies and instead of enjoying it I was pissed and sad and thinking that should be me! I should have healthy babies in my arms. I am pissed because I have to worry constantly. I am so thankful for my infertile friends, but just reading and hearing their experiences with loss have scarred me for life and made me feel like just because I struggled to get pregnant something terrible is bound to happen. I am pissed because had I not had to spend all my savings on infertility treatments I could probably stay at home for a whole year with my new babies.

And the fact that I am feeling all this makes me feel even worse to the point of sometimes just bursting into tears, even in public. I want these babies more than anything and if I had to do all of this again, of course I would do it. I feel so guilty for having two babies in my body and still feeling all these emotions. I feel like it's this huge sign that I will be the worst mom ever because I am thinking about myself so much. Aren't I supposed to be thinking only about them now? Isn't that the normal instinct? I burst into tears just feeling overwhelmed before I wrote this. I don't feel the babies often yet, but I could feel them moving. Just like they are trying to tell me to get over myself, they are here now, or that everything is going to be okay, or both.

I have another ultrasound in a week and 2 days. Those always pull me into reality a little bit more and make me feel good for awhile. Yep, ultrasounds are a good thing. Knowing that this is going well and that my babies are healthy is the best. A fairy godmother who could tell me that everything is going to be perfect would work too.

The Belly Parade

I am 16 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Below are my belly photos! I am trying to avoid stretch marks, even though my logical brain says it is impossible. Today I was extremely tired for some reason and slept all day only to get out of bed and shower tonight around 5:30 p.m. And no, I did not do any Black Friday shopping. That involves lots of people and I don't care much for lots of people. Back to the point, each time I wake up I do a mirror check to be sure that I haven't dreamt up this pregnancy. My evening mirror check showed MASSIVE stretch marks, long and deep! I was about to panic when I realized that they were actually dents in my skin from the sheets. That's what I get!!

Here they are:

4 Week Bump

10 Week Bump

12 Week Bump

16 Week Bump

This is the first non clothing bump because it is finally nice and round. Before it had a dent in it, like it wasn't sure if it was still going to attempt to stay flat and it was NOT attractive.

Yum.

Teen Heartthrobs

I saw "New Moon" last night. I had heard of the books awhile back and thought they looked ridiculous. One day I had strep and was at Target getting my prescription when I saw Twilight on sale for $6. Due to the cost I thought I'd check it out. I read the whole book that day and the entire series in two weeks. The 4th book is a little too freaky for me but I loved the rest.

When Twilight came out in the theatres I made hubby go opening night. The movie was so cheesy and everytime Edward came on girls were screaming and sighing and hubby would just give me the evil eye, so I avoided New Moon on opening weekend.

The movie was lame, but holy moley, that fine young werewolf man was worth the two hours. He was just delicious! I would go camping a lot more if a bunch of guys that looked like that were running around half naked in the woods. Hubby had to start covering my eyes because I was about to drool all over myself. Every perfect, dark muscle showing. Wow . . .

And then to ruin it all, Edward took off his shirt. Really Edward? You are in a movie with a hot little piece of sexy shirtless man-boy and you are gonna take off your shirt? Scrawny, pale, hairy nipples are not attractive, especially compared to ripped, tanned, and manscaped chests. Also, Edward, please get a haircut and use shampoo. You look like you got off of a 3 day bender in which you spent half of it in an alley somewhere. Ugh, so disappointed . . . .

If you've ever heard the saying "don't throw stones in a glass house," I will admit that I'm the glass house right now. I really shouldn't be questioning anyone's nudity. NOBODY is lining up around the block to see me topless. Between the national geographic boobs and my protruding belly, I look like an orangutang naked!! I just have to work with my sparkling personality, it's all I've got left.

I really wanted to see "The Blind Side," especially because I am/was a foster parent. But unless the homeless kid suddenly starts being played by a shirtless Taylor Lautner, I don't think I'm interested anymore.

The Question

I have always been very open about my infertility to anyone. But now that I have twins in me, it is like having a big sign on my forehead that says "I did fertility treatments." Sometimes it irritates me, and at other times I am my usual self telling people the gory details (yes ma'am, my babies were made in a dish) to watch people squirm with discomfort trying to figure out how to proceed. As I've mentioned before, making people feel uncomfortable is kind of a sick pleasure I have as a hobby.

At work last week we had a large meeting. My boss wanted to announce my pregnancy to everyone. Considering the fact I have shouted it from the rooftops this shouldn't seem odd but I HATE announcing it to random people. Why you might ask? People think preggos are public property. They either tell you their unsolicited advice (see previous post), ask you personal questions like "are you doing to breastfeed," rub on your belly, or slobber all over you because it's so sweet and cute.

I am comfortable with NONE of this. First of all, I don't care about your opinion unless I have explicitly asked for it. Second of all, hold up, my breasts, my business! Don't look at them, talk about them, or think about them. What I do with my boobies is not your concern. Third, do NOT touch me unless you've asked and I've allowed it.

And then the question. People ask this because then they know if you are just a super baby maker or if your babies are "test tube" babies (ick, I hate that!).

"Do twins run in your family?"

I answer this differently everytime. Sometimes it makes me feel irritated, sometimes I just answer, and sometimes I am actually sad. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to death about my two babies and thank the universe everyday for them. We feel really blessed to be having two monkey's at once. But it's kind of a reminder that I won't ever be normal after infertility. But who needs to be normal? Did I ever actually consider myself "normal"?

I've tried to think of something snarky to say back to make me feel satisfied. A friend helped me with this. So here we go:

Nosy knob :"Oh how wonderful! Do twins run in your family?"

Me: "They do now bitch!" :)

In the Land of Fertiles

I am in the second trimester and things appear to be pretty lovely. I have ventured out of my tight knit circle of infertile friends a bit to test the water with fertiles. I joined a Due Date Club on a large parenting, childbirth, pregnancy board. This is my attempt to be normal. I can chat guilt free about how awful I am feeling. I can be just like a fertile, with years of sadness erased and stupid bliss written all over me. I thought I would find some comraderie and normalcy (and I did find some very supportive and wonderful individuals), but what I actually found was a bunch of crazy bitches!!

I am not kidding you, these people will claw your eyeballs out over breastfeeding and car seats. They will rip you a new a-hole for getting an epidural. They will fight until the death with you because how on earth could you have a child and still be pro-choice? God forbid you vaccinate or not vaccinate your child. And public school? I never knew how awful it was to have a child and send it to school and then have rules. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Rules are only for one type of child and all children can't be expected to have them. And really, only good moms homeschool their children. The rest of you are just losers. And please, not only do excellent moms whip out their boobs and breastfeed in public, they also only use cloth diapers.

I have learned that once you procreate, you are now an expert on all things children and babies. Whatever you do for your child is what every single human on the planet should be doing with their child! Duh! Am I going to become like this? I am going to lose the thought that this is an excellent gift for me to cherish after years of struggle so that I can become a pretentious- super mom- know it all- procreator? Will I be so enraptured by the birth of my sweet babies that I will not notice the portion of my brain that provides logical thought processes in the trash with my placenta?

So, my infertile friends, I will tell you if you ever felt crazy for locking yourself in the OB/GYN office because the sight of pregnant bellies takes the wind out of you, for taking a vacation during Halloween so that you don't have to suffer the emotional distress of all the sweet kiddos in their cute costumes, for feeling paranoid when your girlfriend goes out with you but won't drink a glass of wine, for not being friends with newlyweds because they might spring the news on you at anytime, for meticulously planning your work schedule so you don't have to be in the hallway at the same time as pregnant coworkers, or the million other things I have felt like a nut job for going through infertility, you have NOTHING on a fertile woman!!

And let's not even go into the women whining about how they are struggling to conceive baby #7 . . . yep, that's not a joke! But I will admit I'm addicted. Reading these peoples posts are like watching the paternity tests on Maury, you feel like a loser, but you just can't get enough!

I will leave you with this, a child who was clearly fed the toxic poison we call infant formula . . . :)

The Twins as Art

My kids at work are very excited about the babies. They color them pictures all the time, but this week I was given this art project. It is the twins in clay. They have pink and blue blankets because one is a boy and one is a girl just like I am dreaming of! I am going to put them in a shadow box and hang it in the babies room and keep it forever, I think it is the cutest thing!

I also think it was a good luck charm because at my OB appointment yesterday it was confirmed that Baby A is a boy!! Baby B is most likely a girl but the tech would not guarantee a girl at only 15 weeks. I can't believe I am having a son. I am so excited. I am really hoping that Baby B is a girl but we will have to wait and see for sure on December 8th. Of course now that I know at least one sex is shopping has commenced. I bought 2 pair of pants (sweat pants and camo pants) and 7 onesies. One of them says "I Love My Mommy." I will make this little boy a mama's boy. Hubby is also very excited we are having a son, as he thought we were going to have two girls.

The OB decided she should rain on my parade. I've been on cloud nine since yesterday and she called and left a message saying I need to call her back. My heart dropped thinking that something was wrong with one of the monkey's. I called back right away. It appears that I might have placenta previa. We won't know for sure until the specialist appointment on December 8th. I'm not sure if I should be okay or terrified. She told me if I do in fact have placenta previa, it could mean bleeding, earlier bedrest, earlier delivery, and definitely a c-section (not that I mind that). Of course I set out to ask everyone I know about this and have heard all kinds of stories from it corrected itself, to the person had some bedrest and an early delivery and all was well, to many weeks of hospitalization followed by a very early delivery. And no working out or sex. Although this doesn't really fit into the dreams I had of pregnancy, as long as my babies will be fine I will live.

So . . . . on December 8th we will be looking for a vajayjay and a placenta that is FAR away from my cervix! Cross your fingers!

Second Trimester

I've made it. I actually made it 4 days ago. It's unbelievable to me. I went to the first specialist appointment scared. I still use the Baby Beat everyday (sometimes twice). When I watch the ultrasounds happening on the screen, I feel like it is happening to someone else. When I was dreaming of the day that I would see a little heartbeat, I imagined crying my eyeballs out with joy. I haven't shed one tear because I am still in shock.

But I've made it to the second trimester. The fact that I am still truckin' along is so bizarre to me. I did many things to make it believable. Things that are actually considered taboo in the infertile world. I can't tell you how many posts I have seen on my infertility board about how these women can just not believe that anyone would tell people they are pregnant at 8 weeks or anytime before the first trimester is over. We shouted it from the rooftops at 4 weeks. I have a baby box and have bought baby items. I also bought maternity pants before the second trimester came along (although I didn't have much of a choice). We've picked out names, furniture, and began getting the house ready.

But it still seems like a dream. This is the only time we will experience this and I want reality to hit soon, but it just hasn't. I keep buying things and talking about it, so I'm hoping to get hit with it very soon. I will even share the loot with you!

This is the baby box. It was a gift from my grandparents the day we got our first positive beta test. My grandparents gave us the little trinkets, I bought the little jammies, and yes, I peed on 5 pregnancy tests of which I will save for the rest of my life.

This is just one of the onesies I've purchased. I also have a 5 pack of plain white ones, a pack of 3 socks (although now that we are having twins that's not really adequate), and 4 pair of pants. All unisex of course. Oh yeah, and two sleep sacks.

Our first package of diapers. We have received the advice of several people that everytime we go to the store we should pick up a pack of diapers. For some odd reason, this was the one thing I wasn't comfortable with until the second trimester. I knew I would keep my pee sticks forever. I could always give the clothes to someone as gift or give them to my foster agency in the event of a tragedy. But diapers are too personal and I couldn't bring myself to buy them. Today I did it, my first package of Pampers! 36 little diapies for 8.99 (good God that's crazy).

I can't believe this is happening to me . . . .

6 Years

Today, November 13th, marks 6 years of hubby and I being together! This is not our marriage anniversary, but the anniversary of the time that we stood outside his duplex and he asked how I felt about us being together as a couple. We've rarely ever been apart since that day!

This is the first time I met his family. He didn't tell me he was going to invite me, we went to Wendy's to grab a snack and then all of a sudden he was like "do you want to come over to my family's for Christmas?" It was so awkward because I didn't plan what I was wearing or bring anything! Although this was my second midwestern Christmas (in from New Mexico), you can see I didn't bother wearing tights or discontinuing my tanning bed use although it was winter.

This is our first vacation together in May of 2004. We took a cruise to the Grand Cayman Islands and Jamaica. The first few days of adjusting to each other were not cool, but then we ended up having a great time.

This is where we got engaged, on a beach in San Diego. He had the ring in one of his shoes the whole time. I wondered while we were at the airport why he was so attached to the shoe bag instead of giving me hell for a whole bag devoted entirely to shoes. I never actually said yes, I took the ring because I thought he was teasing me and when I figured out it was real I just gave him a hug and a kiss.

We got married June 2, 2007 and headed off to Hawaii for a week. We were supposed to go to St. Lucia but we didn't get our passports in time so two days before the wedding we had to completely change our plans. It was a good decision though because it was beautiful and we had the best time!

And now we're having babies!! I am going to get really corny on you and tell you that I knew he was the man I wanted to make babies with since not long after his little speech in the driveway 6 years ago.

I love you hubby!

Civil Rights and Religion

I've been waiting for one of you! As you can tell from my last post, I am pro-gay rights. And I don't even like to say that because I am really pro-human rights. If I have a right as a citizen, I expect ALL other citizens to share that right. I knew there would be someone who would feel the need to tell me that they too are prejudiced and have the right to judge another lifestyle to a point that they don't deserve the same rights as you. This is kind of a silly thing to do, but as I said, I knew someone would. Here goes . . . .

From Anonymous:

I'm a fellow stalker as well. Luv ur blog and ur willingess to share your journey, especially with us that are barely beginning this crazy process. As far as this post is concerned, I am against gay marriage. Why? Because I believe that marriage is ordained of God. However, I do believe domestic partners should be entitled to the same rights that married couples are. Do I have to be the perfect Christian to have this opinion? Anyone that proclaims something can be dubbed a hypocrite because we are all human and we are ALL guilty of saying one thing and doing another.

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for reading my blog! I'm sorry that you found yourself here, though, because that probably means that you are struggling with building your family. But we'll get back to that . .

You do not have to be a perfect Christian to have this opinion. You could be anyone and have this opinion. But Christian or not, you are a bigot for thinking it. People who vote against another's right to celebrate their love are people who are a detriment to a peaceful and fair society. Telling me that you believe that someone doesn't deserve what you have because of God does nothing for me. People do very strange things in the name of God. A man right here in this state killed his two friends and ate them because God told him to. As we all know, this would not be the first person to take a human life in the name of God. People all over the place take young girls for wives and use them for sex in the name of God. There are portions of the Bible that are beautiful and there are disgusting portions of the Bible as well (yes, I have read it). If you really read and understood the beautiful parts, you would know that this is wrong. I am judgemental too. I am judgemental towards people who take what could be beautiful and spiritual and turn it to something ugly. But I don't take my judgements to the voting booths to make someone else feel like lesser of a person because we do not have the same bedroom habits. That's the difference. I will actually admit that I am extremely judgemental, but I would never make someone feel terrible about themselves because of how they are born. That is wrong. That is wrong for anyone, Christian or not. I would never take away your right to be a Christian just because I think it's not right what can go on as a result of your religion. If you are a Christian in a full and true sense, you would open your arms and the arms of God to someone who wants to be a believer and celebrate love for another human being. And to say that you don't believe they should be able to get married but deserve rights (what?) is the same as someone who just said something racist and then says "but I'm not racist or anything, I have friend who is black."

That being said, I hope that if you are suffering right now because you want to have a family and it is difficult,that all of your dreams come true. Nobody deserves to go through this. I don't care who it is, when I hear of this suffering it makes me sad because I know how awful it is. I will think about you, although I have idea who you are, and hope that your journey is short. I will also hope that you will make it through without having one of your Christian friends who does not understand your journey tell you that babies are a gift from God, and if you haven't been chosen for this gift you are undeserving and God is trying to tell you He doesn't want you to be a mother (yes, this has happened to me on more than one occasion).

Best wishes,

Ashley

That's that! If you're reading this and don't like it, find someone else's soul to peer into on their journey and please don't bother writing a comment. There are some things that I can understand why there are differences of opinion. This is not one of them.

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion." - Abraham Lincoln, one of the greatest of all U.S. presidents and a firm believer in civil rights

"True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness."-Albert Einstein

That's enough deep stuff, my next blog post will be strictly baby related. :)

Carrie Prejean on the View

Let's take a break from baby psychosis to discuss this gem of a human being. I believe that she does have a right to her opinion and I also believe that people have a right to make mistakes. I don't believe that I really care that you are a Christian because that doesn't mean anything to me. I just love it though when "good Christian girls" seem to always be the ones who get knocked up in high school, have sex tapes, and take naked photos and then continue to pimp their Christian status to gain the love of the majority of the population. It's gross.

Anywho, she was on the View today discussing how she would have been Miss America if she hadn't said that she believes that marriage is between a man and a woman. Mostly all they wanted to talk about was her sex tape and her naked photos. It was obvious that they were trying to teach her a lesson and reach the organ that is found underneath the pile of peroxide that is her skull. Trust me, it was lost. Because, she would be no one to anyone, if the Christian people weren't peeing themselves with joy that someone said they don't believe in gay marriage. OMG, what a great role model, a fake boobed internet skank who is also a Christian. Because people, all that is important is that she is a Christian and Christian's are always right.

Basically the ladies of the View got her to say that, here comes a shock, "Christians aren't perfect." The part that continues to escape her, is that yes, you are not perfect, so you don't have a right to take legal rights away from someone else because you are not perfect. You may not read a book and decide that you make up people's rights because the Lord told you to. These people aren't asking to come to your church with you and get married there, marriage has LEGAL rights. I am completely missing the part where it is okay to decide someone's legal rights based on religion. It affects benefits through work, taxes, and even sometimes whether or not you can adopt a child.

Here's another tip for you, if you don't want to be called a bigot, you silicone filled moron, then don't act like a bigot!! If you think that people don't get rights for being different than you, that is what a bigot is. Duh. The whole thing disgusts me.

Hormones . . . . . .

Good Fetus Report

We had our first specialist appointment today and it went very well! Both babies are doing fabulous. They are measuring at 14w1d and they were moving around again. All body parts we checked were functioning well. Each appointment is such a huge relief!

This is Baby A. I'm pretty sure it's a he with a penis. Hubby said it was the umbilical cord, but I think it's a weiner.

This is Baby B. I think this is the girl. She was playing with her hands and then we watched her put them in her mouth! It was so adorable. They weren't as wild as last time, but they were definitely moving.

This is an alien from outerspace. Just kidding, it's Baby B, looking right at us. Weird! The specialist could tell I was a little worried and he assured me they would get a lot cuter before they come out.

I love ultrasounds. I wish I could get them everyday. But I can't! Next specialist appointment is December 8th and we will figure out if they are girls, boys, or a combo (please combo).

My First Exercise

My elliptical machine used to be my prized possesion. It was used nearly daily for between 30 minutes to and hour and 15 minutes. I looked forward each day to my sweaty bonding with my machine. For the last four months, it has been collecting dust and has clothing, towels, etc hanging from it.

IVF took a toll on my physical fitness big time. Four months ago I could go out and run ten miles, followed by planks, abs, lunges and weight lifting and not get sore. Beginning with OHSS in August, I slowly began to be unable to exercise.

So I had my first exercise time yesterday!! It is rather embarassing, but it's baby steps, right? I made it 11 minutes on the elliptical machine (although I could have done more if I could find my f-ing iPod). I then lifted 5 pound weights. I know it's not much, but it's a start! I don't want to be a pile of mush by the time my babies get here so my goal is to get back up to 30 minutes on the elliptical and also at my next OB appointment get my doctor's note approved for my "Fitness for Two" class.

Next up: stop eating fast food!! I LOVE french fries and am especially addicted to Arby's roast beef sandwiches. I keep buying healthy food but it continues to go bad. I forced a salad on the babies last night and they took it pretty well, although Daddy's french fries looked SO appetizing!

The Specialist

The Friday after my last OB appointment, which was almost three weeks ago, the OB confirmed that they sent everything they had over to the perinatal specialist and they will call and give me an appointment. Give me they said. Not "set it up," or "schedule it," they will just call and give it. Yesterday I arrived home and found a letter from my insurance stating that my appointment with Dr. C has been approved by insurance. What the french toast? I have an appoinment? It said an 80 minute consult was approved. Holy bananas, 80 minutes is a long time and I do work for a living.

I asked my friend who has gone to this facility of specialists when they call. She said they just call the night before and tell you when you can come in. So I decided I had better call them to see. My appointment is Tuesday at 8:30 a.m. I said thank you and wrote it down, hung up. Then I was like, today is Friday and they weren't planning on calling me. Tomorrow is the weekend so they really just were going to call me the night before. I was a little ticked, but I have been interested in what happens there or what they will say, so I guess it's good that I have "Debbie Desperate" written across my forehead, as do probably most women in need of perinatal specialist. So whatev, can't complain.

My irritation was quickly replaced by joy. I get to see my babies on Tuesday when I hadn't expected to see them for almost a week after that! Yay yay yippee yay, I always love to see the babies! I couldn't find their heartbeats tonight, but it was because I ate a lot and all I could hear were the sounds of digestion, so I did not panic and will try again later. I'm just happy that I have another ultrasound coming up on the horizon.

In other news, I got called a bitch to my face today. Man, if I had a dollar . . . . . .

Dreams Pt. 2

I would like to say I am having weird dreams because of pregnancy, but that's not true, my dreams are always weird. Last night before bed we used the Baby Beat again. It took longer than the night before, but we found the heartbeats! I love hearing that sound. I can go to bed happy and content after that.

I had a dream about labor and delivery last night. I would really like to have a c-section just to be safe, but everyone else (except my OB mind you), is rooting for it the old fashioned way. In my dream it was the old fashioned way and I was thinking "this doesn't hurt at all." Hubby was with me and the delivery room was really weird. It was round and there were all these windows in it and they were open so a breeze was blowing in. The first baby came out and he was very chubby. I love chubby babies, the fatter the better. The nurse put him in my arms and the baby wasn't crying, he was smiling. Hubby was crying. The baby was the most perfect, beautiful baby ever. I gave him a kiss on the head and the nurse took him to do all that stuff they do to babies after they come out. I couldn't stop looking at him and the nurse told him to say "hi mama." And he did! I was like holy shit, call Harvard, my baby is a genius!!

All the nurses and the doctor left. The doctor was morphing from Dr. B and back to my current OB and it was very creepy. I yelled at them because there is still another baby in there and I have to get it out! They forgot my other baby. They just left and I tried to be calm because I figured they know what they are doing, but they never came back. I could tell I was waking up, but even my subconscious was trying to keep me asleep because I really wanted to have the other baby.

The last part was kind of disturbing, but I'm going to have a good day thinking that the universe is trying to tell me that at least one of the babies is going to be a super cute genius. :)

Must Stop Eating

I am so nasty. I am always feeding. It doesn't matter if I throw up, it doesn't stop me from consuming foods in mass quantities. This is what I have eaten today:

-2 strawberry poptarts
- Turkey meat (until I googled the symptoms of listeria, then I threw the rest of it in the trash)
-An apple
-A nacho Lunchable
-Caramels
- Cantaloupe

It's only the afternoon. I feel like a blimp. My goal is to not eat for the next two hours. I am out of Zofran and for some reason, the more I eat, the less nauseas I am. I can't get the refill until after work and I can't wait! Hopefully it will help curb my appetite. My poor babies are experiencing a terrible diet. And I hate vegetables.

My Baby Beat finally arrived yesterday!! I have been in pain and still have a throbbing pain in my left side, but both babies have heartbeats. It's such a relief to hear that. Infertility just reminded me that bad things can happen to me, so I am always worried about this pregnancy. Luckily a week from today I will be in my 2nd trimester, which is supposed to make me feel better! It took awhile to hear, but then we heard it. I tried to say I would only use it once a week, but I am pretty sure I will be using it once a day.

Peeve of the day: Vegetarians on a mission. I absolutely do not care if people don't eat meat, I don't think anyone should eat anything that they are not comfortable with. But when crazies like Natalie Portman compare eating meat to being a rapist, I get slightly aggravated. Humans are mammals. Many mammals get ALL their nutrition from a meat only diet. It is not shocking that humans eat meat as well. There are many nutrients in meat. If you don't like it, don't eat it, but don't get too crazy on others who really enjoy a juicy steak or a hamburger. I don't say you should have to eat meat so I don't want to hear your thoughts on why I eat meat. Anyhow, most vegetarians I know own leather products. Your handbag and your car interior didn't die of natural causes, dumb ass.

Sorry, I'll blame it on the hormones! :)

IT DIDN'T COME TODAY!!

I am so pissed right now, the Baby Beat didn't come today! I went to bed with excitement and woke up with excitement because the Baby Beat was supposed to come TODAY!! But it didn't. Ugh. I could punch somebody the face. I had hubby call me as soon as he got in to tell me what the Baby Beat was like and when he said it wasn't here I just started bawling. I was up all night with weird cramping so I was so relieved knowing that the doppler was coming and it's NOT HERE! Apparently somewhere the weather wasn't great so it is supposed to be here tomorrow. Hubby told me he didn't want to admit it, but that he was excited too.

I think something that caused some of the cramping was another growth spurt. Hubby lifted up my shirt and said "whoa, you're really . . ." Then he got the evil eye to not say anything that might get his head ripped off and then he concluded "you're really beautiful." That's what I thought, buster.

In other news, I waited for 3 hours on Saturday for my H1N1 vaccine. The nasty infertile came out of me. When I saw pregnant women in line with their five other kids I just felt like God damn it, you have some to spare, get out of the line so I can be sure to protect the only two I will ever have (unless I win the lottery soon). Don't worry, I am in therapy and I am fully aware that's crazy. Obviously I wouldn't want anything to happen to this person but I have never seen a line like this in my life and panic set in thinking I would have to go another few weeks being repeatedly exposed and taking my chances!! Luckily, I got it and hopefully we will be swine free for the rest of flu season.