Artificially Fertile Myrtle

Nap Time and Surgery Update

2012-01-31T14:23:00.003-06:00

Nap time, AKA Hell.

During the week my kids attend daycare while I go to work. I have picked them up twice during naptime and they are sleeping peacefully like little angels. I have never had any report that it is any different in the going to sleep department either.

Not at home on the weekends. On stay at home days, we rock in the rocking chair and we read 2-4 stories and they have a bottle (I know, I know, they're almost two, I'm a wuss). We go upstairs and I tuck them in, give them smoochies and tell them I will see them in awhile.

It is not long until I hear

A. Jumping
B. Banging
C. Laughing
D. Crying
E. All of the above

I try to ignore it to the best of my abilities. Both of the children at separate times have busted their faces on something while jumping on the bed. One glorious time my children both took off their diapers and were naked when I came to check because after an hour of their wild behavior silence usually equals sleep, but I like to check just in case. In this case it equalled two stunned toddlers who had crapped in their beds. Yay! Not.

We have tried crying it out. I admit I don't have the stomach for this, especially when it gets to the high pitched shrill and there is snot and swollen faces, ugh. I hate that. I let them cry for a little while, but my wussiness settles in and I usually go lay in the cribs with them.

The other Saturday we had a super lazy day and the twins knew both mommy AND daddy were downstairs so they were really having a party. Hubby went upstairs and swaddled them.

They were pissed. Also, I'm sure swaddling almost two years olds is not recommended.

Finally, we covered their window with a blanket and TA DA! It helped a bunch. I don't know how daycare does it, but I'm grateful they do. The blanket is still over the window, by the way. It looks bad and I need to find an alternative.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I went to the OB's office for my surgery follow up last Wednesday. The OB's office for an infertile person is actually lower than the level of hell that nap time is in by a long shot. It sucks. And OB's suck because they are always happy because they are surrounded by women in the best time of their lives even though they are giving you bad news. And you want to slap the damn smile right off their face, but then you don't because you've been arrested once and do not wish to repeat (ahem).

I was told when I woke up that they found endometriosis. While I was not happy to have yet another reproductive problem, I was happy that this was one they could fix! They could just burn it off, that's what they said. I was pretty happy to know that something was checked off my list.

Psych! Just kidding. It turns out in fact that it is not checked off my list, nor will it be.

The endometriosis was not extensive, so that's good. Unfortunately it is growing on my tubes where they cannot remove it. Also, where it is growing can get into the tubes and cause ectopic pregnancies. They checked and the tubes are currently open and unblocked so that is good. There could be less now than there was before due to the Lupron I was on for my big fat failure of an FET or it could just be starting. So basically my body could be a ticking time bomb.

I was feeling good after the surgery. I tried the FET and the surgery and I felt like I gave it my best shot for awhile and that felt really great. But to be kicked in the stomach again!?!?!? Having PCOS by itself isn't such a huge problem, women get pregnant with it all the time using Clomid or IUI's or nothing at all. Now I have a bad ovary and non-removable, possibly tube blocking endometriosis. I wanted to find something and fix it, but we have found more things that we can't fix.

I am so depressed. Really, I randomly burst into tears. I am 27. I should be bangin' babies out left and right. I have always, always, always wanted lots of babies. I am trying so hard to be grateful for the babies I do have and I am, but after they go to bed or before they wake up or anytime my mind is idle I just want to cry and cry and cry. Secondary infertility is such a lonely place because no one really cares or understand, even less than people did before. I read a great blog post recently that really described the emotions. Click here to check it out if you want.

So that's the deal. Not sure where to go from here. Give up? I don't know.

Fit Friday

2012-01-27T07:45:00.003-06:00

Starting weight: 158

Current weight: 156.2

Lbs lost: 1.8

Lbs to go: 16.2

Since my starting weight, I did have surgery, which put a little chink in my getting back in shape. I have increased my working out from not a damn thing to these in the last three weeks:

2 runs outdoors for 5 miles +32 lunges

2 30 minute elliptical session + abs

1 random workout of jumping jacks, push ups, burpees and planks

That's it! I need to step it up guys. I got up twice at 5:30 a.m. and worked out and I was so proud of myself. I do my long runs on weekends and Hubby hangs with the twins. My alarm goes off every morning at 5:30 to work out and I am so far 2 for 10 on that, ha!

Biggest setback: First was my surgery, obviously. Second was an emotional disruption that led to foul eating. I learned my lesson this week, DO NOT EVER TELL THE UNIVERSE TO BRING IT ON! It's been brought and I am waving my white flag! Mercy, please, I can't take much more yo! I apologize. Are we okay now? I'm sorry Universe. Can I have a break?!?!?! Anyway . . . . my emotional problem led to the eating of 4 donuts and 4 oatmeal pies. Yeah, the fact that I didn't gain 5 lbs is a small miracle. The fact that I weighed .2 lbs less the day after this binge and hubby gave me a high five for finding success on the oatmeal pie diet makes me laugh! But it's still bad and I clearly need to find a better way to deal with my emotions (that statement was the duh of the century, wasn't it?).

Best part: Although I am not just shedding weight like gangbusters, I feel like I must be toning up a little because my fat pants are now so baggy that I can wear them like sweats instead of jeans, no need for using the button or zipper!

My main goal is to do my run this weekend, workout twice during the week, and be a much better eater. How did you do this week?

Source: imgfave.com via Ashley on Pinterest

Why I Love Hubby

2012-01-24T14:12:00.003-06:00

After a party recently, Hubby admitted that he just doesn't know what to talk to other guys about. He loves his job and he loves working. He loves his kids and he wants more. He doesn't watch or care about sports. He doesn't hunt and he isn't into cars.

The sports thing is obviously the toughest because seriously, all guys we know love sports. Even the hipster guys who wear fake glasses and skinny jeans watch football on Sunday. Hubby never knows what they are talking about, but I love that he doesn't do it just because everyone else does. I know a lot of people genuinely like to watch sports and that is fine, but I love that hubby doesn't. He stays true to himself. That, of course, is beneficial to me because I never pictured myself as the wife who throw's on a team shirt and watches sports with the hubs all weekend or chooses to just do things without the hubs and I am so thankful I don't have to. I know that's such a small thing, but I love it!

We love to do family things. We love to get out of the house and go explore something, not sit in front of the TV. Last night I found Hubby sitting in the play room on a tiny chair, with a cowboy hat on, eating plastic vegetables in the play kitchen. I know it's cheesy, but it is the sweetest thing to see that stuff. He has always been a great dad and loves his daddy role, but he really sucked balls at the middle of the night stuff in newborn-land and that made me really unhappy with him. We got back to a good place and decided his punishment is lifelong dish duty. JACKPOT!!!! He always tells me thank you for doing stuff around the house, even though he shouldn't, but he does. Even though vacuuming is part of life and someone has to do it, I appreciate that he appreciate's the effort (I am so lazy it is unbelievable, I don't know how he puts up with me).

Another great thing about Hubby? He knows all about the Bachelor. Here is our conversation while bathing babies the other night:

Hubby: Did you see Emily, that chick that Brad picked, is going to be the next Bachelor?

Me: Bachelorette you mean, and yes I saw that. I know lots of people like her, but I really don't. I think she's a liar kind of.

Hubby: Oh, I know she's a liar. I know it!

Hahahaha! Only a real man can talk Bachelor.

Marriage is no joke. It's hard. And it's long. And you have to compromise a lot and I don't like that. But it's also pretty good. I feel like I am rather lucky in the hubby department! I know there are much bigger things, like the fact that he works a full time job, side jobs and goes to school to better our lives, the fact that he makes me laugh, he is a very strong emotional partner, I can trust him, etc, but those little things really do add up and make a big impact on us too and I don't want to forget them.

Another good thing about hubby, he fits in a box!

My girl has some sweet style . . . .

Yes, she is wearing flannel footie jammies and a pair of shorts over that she put on herself while pushing her baby in the stroller!

Insult and Injury

2012-01-23T09:19:00.004-06:00

I must say I've been pretty proud of myself for the last few weeks. It was so easy with the FET we just did to slip back into the infertile funk. How could it not be? Not only does it just suck a pair of huge ones that you can't get pregnant in the privacy of your own home with your husband, but you have to inject/patch on/take pills/shove stuff up your lady bits that are FULL of hormones, drain your bank account and deplete your emotional storage. And that happens whether you are successful or not, but to not have success? That was awful. I mean, really way worse than I could have imagined. Maybe I'm a wuss, but it sent me straight down into depression in just two months.

BUT . . . . I started coming around a lot quicker than I had thought and honestly can say I feel pretty good about things. I was giving myself just one more week to make it through before calling to get back on Lexapro when I had a lot of changes of heart and felt good again. A little hurt, yes, left wondering if I will ever really get over infertility, yes, but depressed and angry? No, it's gone now.

The last few weeks have been sprinkled with pregnancy announcements. When people tell me I know the tears are in there but I fight them off and by the time I am done I don't need to cry at all. I remind myself that of course I'm jealous and sad for myself, if my FET had worked I would be pregnant right now too. That being said, under no circumstance in any Universe would I wish that anyone would have to go through all this crap to have the family they want, so I can be glad for that person that it's not their reality even if it makes me jealous. I don't even wish it on the Teen Mom's from MTV who have new baby daddy's and get into YouTube fights. Nope, not even them.

Since the Universe enjoys testing my boundaries, it says "oh really, Ashley? You're going to put on your big girls panties are you? How about this!"

And then I get a bill from the RE for $643.00. Dammit! This makes me angry. On IVF #1 when this happened they sprung it on me on the way out after my first ultrasound where we saw two heart beats after 30 cycles of TTC, $22,000 and 12 assisted reproductive treatments. Of course I paid it without a second glance, if they had asked me for one of my kidney's on the way out I would have given it to them. But this time not so much. Now they want $643.00 on top of the other $3,000 that resulted in NOTHING. Not a thing but a broken heart. I had so many thoughts, not excluding sending them a mail bomb with their payment (again, just joking FBI, don't know how to do that). Instead, I pulled more money out of the savings and sent the check. Moving on again.

I mentioned in my last post that I am doing things that I enjoy again and making that a priority that is equal to other priorities and not a luxury. I have read a few books because I love reading. I really enjoy Jodi Picoult books although they tend to end in a depressing and shocking manner. I started reading "Sing You Home" because it's the only one I haven't read yet.

This has turned out to be another example of the Universe showing me who's boss. Something that I do for my enjoyment sucked me down the dark tunnel again!

The book is about all kinds of things, but long story short a divorced couple is battling over frozen embryos. The guy got really religious and they call the embryos "pre-born children."After reading into this book for a long while this weekend, that term just stuck with me. I am not a Christian and I don't think of each fertilized embryo as a child. I know scientifically our little embryo was just a ball of cells. I don't feel as though I had a miscarriage or lost a child or that I will see that embryo in Heaven or anything like that.

I would be lying if I said it didn't hit me similarly to those sentiments though. To us, the embryos that we saw are children because that is all we've ever known. We saw Ocean and Ever up on the screen and they became gorgeous little brown eyed, dark haired nuggets. It's only natural to think the same thing again. We were 2 for 2, there was no experience before of seeing an embryo and it not resulting in a baby. So when I saw the embryo on the screen, even though my logical brain told me that embryo looked like shit and would never result in a baby, I could only think of little brown eyed, dark haired babies for the next 8 days. I thought about how I could announce it in a fun way, what type of pictures I would take, what it would be like to be pregnant in the summer and going swimming with the fetus, I thought about what Ocean and Ever would do when the baby got here, I thought about what it would be like to have labor instead of a c-section, and the list goes on for eight days. It did not matter that it was just a ball of cells at the time or that the chance of success was pretty measly, all I thought was "baby, family of 5." I erased the picture of that ball of cells from my phone and camera, but it is still burned in my brain.

After reading the word "pre-born child" over and over again last night, I tossed and turned and then just let it go and started crying. Hubby asked what was wrong and I told him that I just can't believe this didn't work. He said he was sorry, he was wondering if that is what has been keeping me up at night, he thought with all his heart that this would work and never doubted it and he is shocked we are in this position too, this is all not fair, but he feels like things will be okay. And I agree. I feel that way too. Even though I had a good cry last night and it all came back and I was hurting last night, we do have a plan (that I"m not telling, ha ha) and that plan still feels good today.

So there Universe. Keep trying you little shit. I'm hanging in and I will NOT let this business bring me all the way down again. Its sucks hard that our FET failed, but we are going to keep trucking and I think things will turn out great!

Firm Fridays

2012-01-20T11:13:00.003-06:00

I am linking up with K. Law today to hopefully get some motivation to lose some weight and get in good shape! I realized at the end of the year how much I have let myself go and let things slide and it just doesn't feel good. I am not planning on dieting hardcore, just being aware of what I am eating and eating less. I am going to up my exercise because I feel so much better when I do.

I cannot believe I am going to show you these love handles, but it's the real deal, so here we go!

Starting Stats 1/6/11

Wt: 158 Goal: 140

Waist: 33 inches

Bust: 42 inches

Thigh: 23 inches

Booty: 40.5 inches

That is scary! You will not see any love handle pictures again until they are gone. When you see pictures of me on this blog, I am usually stuffed into a Suddenly Skinny tank that is so tight I can hardly breathe and I count putting it on as a workout because it takes a lot of effort. Since this picture was taken I did do one five mile run outdoors accompanied by 32 lunges and just this morning got up at 5:30 a.m. to use the elliptical and work on my core. I don't lift arm weights, I have a set of 20-something each pounds twins for that.

Getting in shape isn't the only thing I am going to be doing to get myself back together.

1. I am going to put more effort into my overall appearance. I can't tell you how many weekends (and sometimes even workdays, yikes) I go without putting on a drop of make-up or anything other than sweats or PJs. That feels good to my laziness, bad to my self esteem so I have put an effort into looking cuter and not just putting my hair in a bun.

2. Reading. I love, I mean LOVE, to read! I have since I was in Kindy but I never do it anymore. While I was pregnant I couldn't think. People kept giving me pregnancy/child birth/child rearing books but all I wanted to do was watch Pineapple Express over and over and then once the twins were here I didn't read at all except for the week I went on a cruise with hubby. So far I have read all three of the Hunger Games books and just polished off The Night Circus. I haven't decided what is next.

3. Hubby. Spending good quality time with hubby makes things better. We went on a date Monday night and it was so nice. Having a good, solid relationship makes me feel good about myself too.

4. Half marathon! I loved training and running the half marathon I the year before IVF #1. Running is like therapy for me so I will be hopefully doing that in April. Unless of course I have a natural miracle pregnancy. So basically I'm saying I will be running a half marathon in April.

P.S. Do you like my cleanly playroom in the background? No matter what we do, it always looks like a freaking bomb has gone off in there!

Public Tantrum

2012-01-18T21:23:00.002-06:00

It has happened.

My kids have gotten rowdy or loud or they run around when they shouldn't be, but we have never had a full blown public tantrum before.

Before I begin, let me admit that this is partially my fault. The nuggets weren't feeling great and we should have stayed home. But it was a playdate day and I was so looking forward to it because I miss out on those things a lot as a working mama. I had also been feeling like poo after the surgery and stayed home the entire day Sunday. The kids were sleeping like crap and I knew they needed to be let free into the world to burn off some steam. So we went to the playdate against my better judgement at a very overly crowded place that has climbers, jump jumps, slides and other various play equipment.

A few times Ever had flailed and kicked her legs and let out a few tears so I knew her patience was short if I corrected her from going head first down things, climbing up things you are supposed to go down, etc. We were taking a snack break and I watched as another child was having an all out blood curdling scream tantrum and the two ladies who were sitting and talking to each other and messing on their smart phones said "oh, I would just take that child home if it were me." I was tempted to ask them if they even knew where their kids were, but decided it was not my bees wax.

Ocean said "all done" and got up to go play. Ever followed with her bag of snacks. I told her no, we do not take snacks in the play area. She told me no and kept going. I asked her to put the snacks in my hand, she yelled "no, no, no" to me and scurried up a climber. She got to the top and I told her to give mommy the snacks or mommy will take them. She said no again.

So I took the snacks.

Blood curdling scream. Flailing on the ground. Yelling "no, no, no, mine." Ocean stood above her and was shaking his head and said "oh no, oh nooo" and then decided to keep playing. I said "Ever, come see mommy, mommy will hold you, you're tired." She screamed no at me and then reached out to hit me but I was too far from her. People are watching to see what happens.

What to do? I have seen many a mom give their tantruming child lectures and gentle talking and honestly, I think that's nuts. Do people really think you can rationalize with a tantruming two year old? Obviously they do, but no, you cannot. I laugh when I see that, but it is nice that some mom's have the patience to give that a try. I could do as I have seen before and start yelling at her in public, but I would never do that either. I could scoop her up and run out of their for fear of annoying other customers, but I do have a second child who was having a great time that I didn't want to punish, even if Ever's screaming was annoying to everyone. So . . . . . . .

I had my camera around my neck. I thought it would be wise to document the first tantrum. I took some photos.

Then I laughed a little bit because the girl was determined to cause a scene. Then I walked away and pretended I didn't know her.

Yes, there were other mother's looking at me like "OMG Becky, I am going to tweet this on my smart phone, this bitch obviously didn't read Dr. So and So's book about giving lectures to your two year old."

Sure enough, about one minute after I walked away and sat with our stuff, she was up running after Ocean and playing on slides.

I survived the first public tantrum. I'm sure there is more where that came from.

Then we went to eat a huge ice cream sundae after lunch. It was fun. And the best part? I wore those kids out! They slept all night, in their own beds that night. It was glorious. I love spending time with my kiddies, even when they are attempting to own me in public.

The Situation

2012-01-15T20:20:00.002-06:00

Wednesday I had my lap surgery. It was pretty easy. I have absolutely no memory of waking up at the surgery center or going home or getting home or anything which was super creepy. I haven't had pain in my incisions but have had stomach aches and head aches since then. I went and worked a full eight hour day Friday and went to a birthday party and a fancy shmancy work dinner with Hubby on Saturday, so I have been pleasantly surprised by lack of pain. I still feel groggy and achy, but not in pain.

I was not surprised that they did find endometriosis in my lady bits. I don't know the details, because as I said, I was on another planet that I now can't remember. So the situation is as follows:

1. PCOS - known about that for years, actually since 9 months after we started TTC at the end of 2007
2. Lefty the Loser Ovary - I had suspicions during treatments, but not confirmed until recently
3. Endometriosis - Thought about it, but never had any overwhelming symptoms, so this is a new one

Sounds like a winning combination, no?

Despite the odds slowly racking up against me, something weird happened this week out of nowhere. I just feel calm now. I don't feel as angry or sad or anything really. I was looking at pictures of Ocean and Ever when they were fresh little newborns last Tuesday. I thought it would make me sad and crave the chance to do it again. It is no secret that I have always wanted a large family. It is no secret that Hubby would love to have at least one more kiddo.

But when I was looking at the pictures of my nuggets, looking like scrawny little chickens that popped out of an egg with bug eyes, it just made me smile. Then I turned and saw them, now almost two (gasp!) as Ocean was pretending to shoot Afrin up his nose while Ever told him "no, no, no Ocean" and he was grinning from ear to ear, and I realized that I have it pretty good. Pretty awesome, really. I know lots of women crave newborns, but I love watching these two grow. And it is going by at the speed of light. Each day with them is so new and so out of the ordinary, even if we are doing nothing.

Of course more kiddos would be adding to the joy, but it is something that I really want, not something that I really need. I certainly don't want it to impair my ability to soak up the joy I get to feel right now with them.

On the other hand, tonight Ocean found a thermometer on the floor and said "what's this?" My very classy husband told him it's something that we stick up Mommy's butt. I told him no and then lectured hubby. I saw Ocean eyeing me but Ever and I were playing an Elmo game on the iPad so I wasn't getting up. I did later and didn't even think about the thermometer. As I was walking to the kitchen I felt the pitter patter of feet chasing after me and that boy was trying to stick the thermometer on my butt! I started laughing and said no, and then took off running. He chased me! He did not forget for one second what Hubby told him that was for and he was not giving up. Jeebus. I might need a third kid so I can get a re-do in the parenting department.

This is Ever working hard in Grampa's office. She colored all over his PO's very seriously and eyed everyone who came through the door. If you tell her "make money" then she reaches over and hits the plus sign on the calculator!

So serious!

It's My SITS Day!

2012-01-11T21:48:00.002-06:00

Welcome! I am so excited about this! I have trolled SITS for awhile now checking out tons of blogs and it is pretty awesome to now be one of them!

My name is Ashley, I'm 27, I met Hubby when I was 19 and we got hitched when I was 23. We have twins, Ocean (Oshy) and Ever (Peanut) who were born full term and will be two on Earth Day. I work full time with kids but I always dream of being with my own kids full time. Our spiritual beliefs are complicated so I won't mention it in this short synopsis.

I started this blog as a place share and vent my infertility journey. The other thing I did here was find so many sources of support. People in the real world who have not experienced it or known someone that have experienced are generally not great supporters because they either don't know how to be supportive or they don't get why not being able to have babies is "such a big deal." So . . . .I turned to the interwebs and have found a great source of support and free therapy! I had no idea I would have trouble getting knocked up at the age of 23. It has made me feel sad, angry, guilty, worthless, jealous and then eventually grateful and happy because we have the twins now and they are super! We would love a big family and are back in the trenches and recently had a failed fertility treatment. Boo. So now I feel sad, angry, guilty, worthless, jealous, happy, grateful and in love with O&E all at once.

The second most popular course of discussion on this blog is mommyhood! It has really surprised me. I absolutely love it, but I think I have made my fair share of new mommy mistakes. Hubby, the twins and I are just all trying to figure this out together and be the family we want to be and that works for us.

(the partners in crime flushing the potty over and over as I'm telling them not to)

Thank you so much for stopping by! Feel free to roam around!

Going Under the Knife

2012-01-10T15:51:00.002-06:00

I am going under the knife tomorrow! They are going to have a peek through my belly button to see if I have scar tissue, if they do see some they will burn it off and they are going to put dye through my tubes just to make sure they are still clear and clear out anything they can there too.

We did notice that my left ovary is very cysty and doesn't have great fluid flow. I always thought there was something off with it because my cycles are longer when I am due to ovulate from that side and I just get a lot of pain but not any symptoms of ovulation. During monitored cycles it never produced as well as the right one. It's kind of a bummer to know that I have a low functioning ovary and let's say we tried for 6 months, that would only really equal 3 chances for us, but it's nice to have information. That's kind of sick I know, but I think knowing is good.

On the other hand, my right ovary looks fabulous! Better than ever actually. I can honestly say in the 9,237,983 ultrasounds I have had of my ladybits I've never seen an ovary that nice. The doctor said it looks great, fully functioning, and like it is ready for ovulation. That makes me really, really happy. It's the small things! I have no idea what brought this about because I had it scanned about four months ago. The only thing difference in my life is that I have been taking CoQ10 supplements for the last few months and drinking at least one glass of antioxidant max green tea. Interesting . . . . .

I feel really good about things actually. Seeing that good ovary and getting new information is calming to me. Taking some action makes me happy. I know this is super weird, but my psychic friend emailed me too! I know that is cuckoo, but I contacted her before my first IVF because I was so crazy and I needed someone or anything to tell me yes, IVF was the best thing to do. I randomly got an email from her yesterday saying that she was "feeling" that I have been having a hard time and that it was a hard time that has plagued me and brought me down for a long time (true!). She then said that this thing is going to change and I am going to feel a peace that will be permanent. It is silly because I am not 100% convinced in psychics and Gods and things, but I won't lie, I like what she has to say! It may be false hope completely, but false hope feels a lot better than no hope at this point.

Hubby and I have come to a decision that we are both happy and content with. But I'm not telling (evil laugh)! At the end of summer you will know what we chose if I a)announce my IVF pregnancy, b) announce that we are heading on a cruise in Disney form, or c) Hubby does a guest post telling you I am in the mental institution because we did IVF and it didn't work.

In odd news:

1. I am planning the twins 2nd birthday party! Shut the front door, the twins will be two in a little over two months! We are doing it Yo Gabba Gabba style. The kids love that show, and I have to admit, it's my fave kid show too. Hubby even has a full DJ Lance Rock costume. He looks like an idiot in it so I can't wait to show you the pictures!

2. Sometimes I like to see what people Google to arrive here. One things said "fat girl with a belly button ring." What the hell Google?!?!? I know I'm pleasantly plump, but I don't even have a belly ring. Geez. Rude.

Water tables are where it's at in toddler world!

10 Days in Heaven

2012-01-08T19:10:00.003-06:00

I took ten days off at the holiday's. I only usually take a long weekend or as of late, we have had so much sickness that I am off for that. Otherwise, it's two days a week.

Ten straight days was a big deal. I haven't been with them that long since they were only 10 weeks old. They are about to turn two!

I absolutely loved it. It was amazing! Watching all the little things they do is the best. We did lots and lots of snuggles. While we were together they slept better and weren't so whiney like they sometimes get in the evening, which is probably because they missed Mommy and Daddy so much that they just want to be held all evening. Hello Mommy Guilt. Being available to them all the time was so relaxing.

I think those ten days with Oshy and Ever really built up my patience too, with all the things we have going on. Working full time, hubby is also in school almost full time, trying to be with the twins as often as possible, trying to take care of myself, family building, etc. Hubby had to go out of town last minute for work, which normally stresses me out, but we did fine. One night my grandparents helped and one night it was just us. I even had to unexpectedly be to work an hour and a half early and it was no big deal! That is strange. We got ready quickly, had snuggles and loves, no one was stressed, even though they only had mommy to depend on day and night.

It made me come to two conclusions:

1. I can handle more than I think I can and things generally turn out okay. I always think I"m failing, when in fact, things aren't so bad. Me not immediately stressing turned out great for everyone, hubby and the twins especially.

2. It also made me reprioritize some things. One thing I can't discuss at this time as it is work related and undetermined. The other is that I put some effort into getting organized. I have not been trying to squeeze in as much sleep as possible for the last week, but instead getting up by 6:30 a.m. so I have a good 45 minutes to really prepare myself for the day before the twins wake up. That might be a no brainer, but I just figured it out! I purchased a dry erase calendar for the fridge and hubby and I went through the month writing down what we know will happen and getting ourselves figured out. I even planned a week's worth of meals, that, wait for it . . . . will be cooked at home! That's a big deal. Friday night when we were driving and saw a restaurant out the window of the car the twins would say "dinner! dinner!" Yeah, not good . . . .

Those ten days made a big difference! I am going to save up my vacation and try to do that more often, instead of taking a little time here and there. If we decide to not proceed with the fresh IVF, we have looked into taking a Disney cruise at the end of summer. We love cruising and think it would be fun to take the nuggets.

Hubby said how much the last week has been so enjoyable and he likes the new, organized Ashley. Cross your fingers that it lasts . . . . .

Eye rolling caught in the act!

Ever was sleeping, so Osh and I went exploring togther in the woods!

Best and Worst Celebrity Names 2011

2012-01-06T19:36:00.002-06:00

Hubby found this Yahoo article and had me come read it because we are both obsessed with names. Yes, even hubby. The thought of having more kids is an interesting prospect because there really aren't any names in the world better than Ocean and Ever. We have a few up our sleeves, but we will never tell! (evil laugh happening) We get made fun of a lot for these names, but we aren't offended.

Names are tough for me because I work with 80 kids a day. That means that names get stuck to certain types of kids and I can't picture them any other way. I hate a lot of names. It is awful when people tell me what they are going to name their child because 9 times out of 10 I do not like it and I happen to be an absolutely terrible liar. I don't ever ask anyone what names they've picked because I know my first thought will be "ick" or something like that. I have never told anyone that I hate their child's name to their face of course, it's tough for me though.

Without further ado, here are the best and worst names of celebrity babies (who are awesome namers) . . . .

BEST LIST

Girls
Amaya (Mariska Haritgay)- Meh, it's okay
Joni (Zac Brown of the Zac Brown Band)- I hate it
Monroe (Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon) - I love it!
Penelope Athena (Tina Fey) - Meh, it's okay
Willow Sage (Pink) - I love it!

Boys
Milo (Alyssa Milano) - Meh, it's okay
Skyler (Rachel Zoe) - I hate it
Marcelo (Ali Landry) - Meh, it's okay
Flynn (Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom) - I love it!
Weston (Jenna Fischer) - I hate it

WORST LIST

Girls

Mosely (Peyton Manning) - I love it!
Mirabella Bunny (Bryan Adams) - This is a cross between okay and love, I love Bunny for a middle name!
Genesis (Viola Davis) - I hate it, with emphasis!
Arlo (Johnny Knoxville) - I would like this for a boy
Indiana (Ethan Hawke) - I hate it

Boys

Kroy Jagger (Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak) - I hate it
Spike (Mike Myers) - I hate it
Bear Blu (Alicia Silverstone) - I hate it
Kannon (Kevin James) - I love it!
Diesel (Jennie Finch) - Meh, it's okay. I like it with the sibling, whose name is Ace
Moroccan Scott (Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon) - I hate it

So there you have it. Thoughts on these picks?

We went to the Nascar Hall of Fame in North Carolina. Hubby and Osh loved it. Ever and I thought it was totally lame.

I know, don't even say it. My little baby boy looks like a boy, a real boy. Tear.

Someone Tell Me What To Do

2012-01-03T18:02:00.002-06:00

I know, I know, only I can make decisions for myself. But I just don't want to! Spending lots of time off of work with the twinsies helped a lot, but I have big decisions to make. Here is a glimpse into my crazy mind and all the things running through my head:

1. To IVF or not to IVF? Immediately after the big BFN (big because it was FET style, not all the usual ones I have with a regular cycle for the months before that), I thought I would for sure, HAVE to do a fresh IVF. We are signed up for the May/June cycle. I'm not sure if I want to though. If I do that, I could lose all my chances of moving neighborhoods (this isn't a vanity thing, the Kindergarten in our neighborhood is a big no and I don't really agree with homeschooling, but I will if we still live here) and also being a stay at home mom in the foreseeable future. I go back and forth on it. I like working okay, but our daycare bills are higher than our mortgage so it seems silly sometimes, but my health care is really awesome. So financially, the IVF is a scary situation. $15,000. Ouch.

2. The other issue is twins. I knew if I ever did IVF again, I would only transfer one. Well . . . I just did that and it didn't work. Transferring two instead of one slightly raises your chance of success. As far as twin pregnancies go, mine was pretty easy and full term to boot. But twin pregnancy with twin toddlers? That sounds like a terrible idea. Twin infants? That was not fun. 100% worth it, but really hard. That would be very very hard on me and even worse, that would be unfair to the twins I already have. I don't think I could walk in there and confidently transfer one and I'm not spending $15K on something I don't feel fairly confident about. Also Hubby is not to keen on the idea of twins again. He really wants to the the IVF, but as long as we don't agree, it will not happen.

3. Adoption. We have almost fully filled out our foster care packet and have a few more things to do. Over the weekend we had two kiddos over and I had four kids running around and I absolutely loved it. But (there is always a but), I think of how Osh and Peanut fight over mommy time and how that might affect them. I think of what would happen if they get really attached to the foster child and he/she gets taken away from us, which is very likely to happen. I don't want to be offensive, but I also wonder how I will feel. Will I feel differently about a non-biological child? How will our friends and family treat that child? How will the child feel in comparison to Ocean and Ever? It's a really hard decision.

4. I would like to just keep continuing to try on our own, but that is just not possible for my body. People keep telling me how I have all this time, but if I needed intervention at 23 I can't imagine waiting much longer would be great. I was hoping to be one of those people whose body corrected itself after pregnancy, but unfortunately my body is a bigger mess than it ever has been. My ovaries look like hell on the sono and combined with the c-section pain and pulling it just isn't good. Not to mention weight gain. We just got excited about trying on our own and it was fun and then BAM! I got my period two weeks early. Early. EARLY. I read online that this can be due to adequate estrogen levels but low progesterone (check), sudden increase in exercise (check) or stress (super check, all of the above). So while we thought we were giving it a go on our own, we were never even in the game. Yuck. I thought about just doing three months of birth control to give my haywire hormones a break and then 4-6 months of to try on our own and see if maybe a kid comes along, but I'm not sure.

5. Age. Hubby would not like to procreate past when he turns 40, but we would both like to have more kiddos. Please don't take that offensively, age of people does not bother me in anyway, if you want to babymake well into your 60's I really don't care. But for Hubby this is important, and I understand and respect what he is saying. Which means we have less than 5 years to resolve this. That may seem like a long time, but it is short when you think of having to come up with big bucks multiple times and all the things that could happen in between.

6. Letting it go. I hate to admit that I hope beyond hope that I could just wake up one morning and be like "I'm fine, I don't really need a third or more kid." That would actually be ideal. That or a free baby, but I don't think either one will happen. It would just be the easiest thing in the world to decide that I'm good and move on. I am trying to do that, but it is tough. When I was five years old and my youngest sibling was brought home from the hospital, I just knew that being a mom was the life for me. I have always wanted a house full, four or five kids. Hubby and I were watching a movie a month back and there was a family with a table of six kids (that's too many for me personally, maybe) and he said he can't wait until we have chaos like that in our home. Not only will I feel let down, I think I will feel eternally guilty if I don't make this happen somehow. But I don't want to feel guilty. I want to want to be done.

Do you see this mess? I just want someone to tell me what to do, but I know it's time to put on the big girl panties. I have until May to make up my mind.

On a side note, I lost a follower yesterday. What? You don't want to hear about my pubic hair trims? Also, I did some unfollowing yesterday. I have removed blogs from my blogroll before, but never totally unfollowed. So weird!

Three Fails in 24 Hours

2012-01-01T21:07:00.003-06:00

Fail #1: I don't do many playdates, mostly because I have a job (oops, I mean I "work outside the home"). I have one friend that comes over to hang out, but that is low maintenance because we are very similar and she doesn't care that my house is messy and we laugh when our kids wrestle for toys, not freak out. Well . . due to kid free week my house was semi-clean and I had the day off Friday so I had a playdate at my house. Since I am a moron, I thought to myself, I have some extra time this morning, I will go ahead and shave my pubes with hubby's face razor again since he isn't around to freak out about it. Those damn things get everywhere! I cleaned them up, but after the playdate left I notices the hairy pube ring around the top of the toilet. Crap! I bet that will be my last playdate with them!

Fail #2: Speaking of things I do almost never, I went out for a friend's birthday. I am rather an anti-social hermit so I really didn't want to but this friend is very supportive of me and my psychotic infertility issues (not many people are up to par in that arena) so I decided I would for sure go and just have a glass of wine. I am a lightweight as well and had four glasses of wine, which made me shitfaced. The current doctor I'm seeing since my regular OB is on maternity leave and the RE rapes my savings account thinks it would be a good idea to chart my temps to see if I ovulate on my own. I decided I would start Saturday. I did not start Saturday because I was up chugging water all night due to the room spinning and I figured that would not be conducive to an accurate temp. I also slept late because Peanut came in the room and was jumping on my and saying "boo" in my ear and I thought I was going to ralph. Nice. Fail.

Fail #3: This is only a partial fail, but I was out running and I wore my spandex running pants and was very self-consious because I have put on a ton of weight this year. A really unattractive, toothless hillbilly leaned out of his window to take a gander. Back in the day this used to happen to me and I would think "oh sick, what a loser," but not yesterday! Oh no! I thought "hell yeah, I've still got it bitches!" But then I was super ashamed that I got that excited over hillbilly sexual harassment. At least the running part was a win.

This is what happens when you suggest to Peanut that it might be time to lose the bottle, no joke . . . . .

It ain't happenin.'

Yes Please 2012

2011-12-30T14:32:00.002-06:00

I am not a big fan of New Year's resolutions, so this post will not be about that.

All in all this year was okay. My time with the twins has been amazeballs. They have grown and changed so much it is crazy. Just this morning I was standing in front of the house and Ever wanted in and she looked up at me and said "scuze me mama." I loved it. It's those little things that I am in love with. Hubby and I got ourselves back together and in a good place so that was cool.

On the crap list was of course these resurfacing infertility issues and to put a cherry on top was the BFN I just had. I am still trying to let go of the conversations hubby and I had about baby names and the dreams I had of what it was like to be pregnant in the summertime, and all the dreams I had in my mind of what it is like to have a singleton. That kicked my ass. It actually physically hurts because since then I have had stress induced migraines frequently. Ick. The other crap list is work. Not because my job sucks or anything, but because I would rather be with my munchkins. I am on day 7 in a row with my babies, all day, everyday, and I love it so much. It is so fabulous. Today I didn't even eat until noon because I was so busy, but busy with things that made me feel happy, like the house getting cleaned, snuggles, grocery shopping. Things that are normally a last minute stress situation during the work week are just an easy, everyday part of life. One of the worst things of this year is that I have completely let myself go. I have not weighed this much or been this out of shape since I was 14. I look old. It's depressing. Let's don't even mention the pneumonia that lasted all summer and the four rounds of stomach flu we have had since Thanksgiving.

I know that 2012 could potentially suck big balls and way worse things could happen than BFN's and flabby thighs and hopelessly tiring, disorganized chaotic days trying to juggle working and mommying. For some reason though, I feel like 2012 could really be exciting. Maybe not even exciting, but just satisfying. Maybe I feel like that because my horoscope said so. Or maybe because I got a fortune cookie that said "your dearest wish will come true" and we all know fortune cookies never lie. I can't explain it, but I am really looking forward to the New Year.

I think this is going to be good. Only a day and a half left of 2011.

Prepare to eat your heart out! I'm serious, be sure you can handle this cuteness.

Are you okay? Just checking, because I know Osh man is so cute that it hurts sometimes.

I love this girl. She is a little firecracker. She is major mommy's girl right now and I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it!

Peanut and Nuts Don't Mix

2011-12-26T09:57:00.002-06:00

In usual us fashion, yesterday afternoon Ever puked all over the floor. Yippee yay, we have another stomach bug. She was screaming in pain and puked four times. We noticed her ears were really red and there were a few hives on her neck. We jumped up, wrapped her in a blankie and headed for the ER.

The hives started getting out of control and her face was swollen. I panicked, major. We were close to the hospital so I pulled a Britney Spears and ripped out of the carseat to hold her. I needed to be able to feel her breathe. As soon as we got there I ran inside to check her in. After an eternity (about ten minutes really) we got a room and they gave her oral meds and wanted to see what happened. She puked again all over me. The poor baby was so tired after that she said "I sleep, I night night." she passed out after that. Unfortunately I only had my Suddenly Skinny tank top on underneath the barf sweater and I didn't want to walk around looking like a stuffed sausage, so I made hubby give me his sweatshirt. A naked baby, mom in an oversized Nike sweatshirt and daddy in a wife beater=white trash.

Hubby said he had given both the kiddies a cashew nut cluster. They have both had peanut butter before so he didn't think anything of it. So . . We now know Ever is allergic to tree nuts. Great.

The nurse returned and said since she threw up again they would need to IV some meds in but she couldn't find any good veins in her tiny body. They called in a nurse from the NICU. It took her two tries. There was lots of screaming. One think a regular needle user like me wouldn't have issues, but not when it comes to my baby. I was hiding in the corner like a pansy. The benefit was immediate and we were discharged an hour later.

So there you have it. I think between the BFN and this full drama, scary incident we will officially be celebrating Hannukah next year.

Kid Free Week

2011-12-23T21:43:00.002-06:00

The twins went to visit Grandma early this week for the holiday's so my parents could spend some extra time with them. We made it to about Wednesday before it became really sucky and we wanted them to come. In the meantime, I did things I normally don't do.

1. Clean. The house isn't perfectly clean but it is significantly cleaner than usual.

2. I woke up one morning at 5 a.m. and went to spin class to exercise and it felt great.

3. I polished off the final Hunger Games book in one day. Those books are violent and weird, but awesome and they are extremely hard to put down. I read the whole trilogy in a week. If I ever get the privilege of having more children I may have rip some names off from that book.

4. I went to dinner, had a glass of wine and saw a movie with hubby.

5. I got to work on time, sometimes even a little early.

6. Time alone with my thoughts made me realize that continuing with fertility treatments is not an option until I feel better. I am so demoralized and deeply unhappy right now as a result of the treament. Because it feels so horrible, I can't imagine that it is the only thing wrong. I'm hoping to get some meds to help out when the holiday's are over. I don't feel guilty for feeling angry and upset. As much as it would be nice to be a person who could just "count my blessings" and move on, I know that if we all looked at unsatisfactory things in our life and thought "oh well, I'm still a little sunshine pants" we would still be running around naked and living in caves. It's good to not accept things, but I don't feel it's very good to feel like I'm losing a grip on everything. I am going to need some help.

We did accomplish things and hubby and I got some good time together, but life without my nuggets is not cool at all. In half a day from now, we will all be snuggling together and I can't wait!

Enjoy the holidays!

Unhappy Camper

2011-12-19T16:06:00.005-06:00

The day after the big fat negative, I was okay actually. Wednesday was a fine day. I'm not pregnant this time but maybe next time. I felt good playing with the twins and realizing that I have already graced this earth with exceptional human beings and that does make me happy. They make me very happy.

Thursday, on the other hand, was the beginning of the descent into Hell. Thursday night I got my period so there was just no denying the reality of this. I cried a few tears again, but thought I'd be okay.

Friday was worse. I am angry . So extremely angry. I thought of the fresh IVF and all the money and emotions and energy and time spent on that cycle that made the frostie. Then I thought of all the feelings we felt and money we paid each times it's storage bill came. I thought of the time and effort and money of this FET and then I thought of how all of that was riding down the drain on a tampon to the sewer with piss and shit and I was so mad I can't describe it.

Today is Monday and I still a very angry person. I am sad. I am depressed. I am so jealous that I have hit a new low of being resentful of even infertiles who are getting BFP's right now. I can't stomach it. I found a bunch of great new blogs but nearly all of them are pregnant so I can't follow them. Not right now anyway. I haven't visited my favorite message boards in a few days and don't see myself doing it for awhile because I just don't want to see other people's great news and feel like shit.

Yes, people are dying of cancer. Yes, there are starving children in Africa. Yes, there are people without jobs and homeless and hungry. And yes, I do have the two most beautiful children in the world already and that isn't going to be taken away from me. All of those things are really awful things (except my beautiful children). But that doesn't make me feel better about having to choose between getting to spend more time with my children and live in a better neighborhood or having a third child, which I really want and can't shut those feelings off. I think it's bullshit I have to decide to put my current family back by years again paying tens of thousands of dollars on a chance at getting pregnant or just living each day feeling upset about not being able to have more children when hubby and I have always wanted a big family. And the thought of sacrificing all those things to do IVF and I still don't get pregnant (which is a real possibility) makes me wonder what kind of psych wards my insurance will cover. It makes me SO VERY ANGRY that I can hardly handle being around other human beings. I am taking a break from internet activities until I can feel like a decent human being myself.

I'm sorry if this isn't what people want to hear, but too bad. If I had a dollar for everything people tell me that I don't want to hear I could do IVF 50 times. Like "at least you're young." Really?!?!? A lot of good that's done me. I'm bitter. I'm angry and I'm going to allow myself to be a selfish prick if that's what it takes to get me out of this rut.

In other news . . . .

1. I will be doing a lap in January to make sure everything looks normal other than my stupid eggs.

2. My goal is to lose 16.6 pounds by the summer.

3. My children are out of town for awhile and I miss them so much! I know they are having fun and their immune systems are going to get a nice long break between this week and next, but I miss them so bad I'm not sure what to do with myself.

The Time We Tried To Get Knocked Up, But Failed Miserably

2011-12-13T12:51:00.002-06:00

Friday, October 14th: Hubby talks to me over dinner about using our little frozen embryo. I cry in the restaurant. I didn't see this coming. This would change a lot of plans I made and I am deathly afraid of failure. Hubby says it's not the end of the world, we will deal with if it doesn't work and we can try for a third child with a fresh IVF when we can afford one (that would be about a year and a half from then, 2013). So a failure would not be the end of the world and with some things we are considering now would be the best time.

Monday, October 17th: I call the RE'soffice. By some miracle of the universe, they have an opening on a day I already had off to take Ocean and Ever to appointments, otherwise it will be the end of November. I learn that this appointment, which is just chatting, will cost $300 out of pocket. WTF? I must have had amnesia from the first time I did IVF. Hubby and I spoke when he got home and we decided to keep the appointment. I start signing my life away in paperwork.

Wednesday, October 19th: We go to the RE's office. It feels so different than the first time. I show everyone pictures of Ocean and Ever. We get all the info, including the cost (gulp!) and then start signing even more paperwork. They said there is a 33% chance of success, which is much different that when we did IVF and had a 60% chance of success. I start to feel worried, but hubby is a great cheerleader and assures me everything is going to be okay. I leave with my calendar of events, and if the babysicle thaws, it will be transferred on December 5th.

Thursday, October 20th: I pick up my first round of meds for my protocol. I start feeling extremely terrified about the whole thing. The cost was $95.00.

Monday, October 31st: I had an SHG and it was incredibly painful. I have done this one other time and an HSG and did not find either one to be very painful, but this time it was brutal and I was bleeding everywhere. I have had several nightmares about the FET not working and after the painful experience I am starting to wonder if this is a good idea.

Thursday, November 3rd: Started my first dose of Lupron (which is a small injection into the stomach) to continue nightly for several weeks. Thankfully the babies have left me with extra padding so the shots don't hurt quite as bad. My Lupron, PIO injections and suppositories (you need extra progesterone I guess on a frozen cycle) cost $321.00.

Tuesday, November 8th: I take my last birth control pill, but vomit it up. I have the raging stomach flu!! I threw up everything from the day before as well so I don't have the right amount of bcps in my system. I am supposed to start a Z-Pak as soon as I get my period, but since I am so sick, I will have to wait another day. I am so worried I have messed something up! I also have not had my prenatal or baby aspirin in two days because of this so there are no nutrients in my body. Ack!! Stress!

Tuesday, November 15th: I head back to the RE's office to get a blood draw for a suppression check. Just like with our first IVF, all my levels are normal and I am suppressed so things are moving along nicely. I pay for it, which was $2,398.00. To my surprise, instead of panic, I felt really good. I know the odds are not great for us, but I feel hope and start getting excited about this. Maybe we will be having another baby next fall? I really, really, REALLY am wanting this to happen.

Thursday, November 17th: I start estrogen patches. I went to Target to pick them up and they are going to cost $620.00!!! Mother fucker! I decide to only purchase 16 of them which cost $155.00 plus my second round of Z-Pak which is going to cost another $10.00. I call and cry and beg the RE to put me on a different med. They say no, so I am researching a better and cheaper place to buy. I have until 11/29 when my $155.00 stash is out.

Monday, November 21st: I drop my Lupron on the floor and it shatters everywhere. I am a complete mess. Just as I am worrying about money again, I do something so stupid. Hubby reminds me that this is just money, it will come and go, a child and our family is forever. I go to pick it up from the pharmacy. I have to buy a whole new kit and not just the amount I need for a total of $187.00. I am feeling lots of pain in my joints and tired. I get a 101 fever which is weird because I don't get fevers normally. I go to the doctor and they think I may have strep or mono, but both come out negative. MORE STRESS!! I have to take Amoxicillin for 10 days. I start really hoping this doesn't mess with the cycle. Please little frostie baby, be my Christmas miracle.

Wednesday, November 23rd: I move up to three estrogen patches a day. Hubby says "there is about to be a lot of crying around here."

Monday, November 28th: I got in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. They like to see lining at a 10 and mine was 11.13, yay! Unfortunately, my estrogen was a little low so in addition to the patches I have to take two estrogen pills daily. To my surprise, they only cost $4. I had to look at it several times because I can't believe it. We are getting closer . . . .

Wednesday, November 30th: Lupron injections have stopped and now it's progesterone time. I use suppositories twice a day and a PIO (progesterone in oil). These are gigantic needles that go in your ass. I can't do them myself and they have to be done in the morning so I have to get up at 6 to ice my booty to numbness and do this before Hubby goes to work. Yay. I pick up three more boxes of estrogen patches for a total of $192.00.

Sunday, December 4th: I looked at my calendar and I did not follow it correctly! I was supposed to start a Z-Pak and steroid yesterday, but I didn't. AAHHHHH!!! I decided to start the Z-Pak like regular, but take the steroid pills in the AM and PM instead of just PM to catch up because those are important to my cycle. My butt is so sore from the PIO's that it hurts to sit, but I am really really hoping we have to stay on them for 7 more weeks until I hit 10 weeks gestation. Tomorrow is the big day. I should find out by 10:00 a.m. if our little snow baby thaws and we are a go. I am scared to death! But also ready to get this show on the road.

Monday, December 5th: The snowbaby did thaw! Woo hoo! I take my Valium (which is amazing) and head on in. We see the photo of the embie on the screen. It does not look like Ocean and Ever's embies at all. Their's were beautiful, very clear and well rounded, this one was full of bubbles and lumpy. I know this isn't great. They said it was okay, thawed embryo's look a little different because of the change after they have been frozen. After the transfer is over, I cry. Last time we talked and laughed and took pictures, but really, all I could do was cry. I want this baby but I am aware the odds are not with us. It makes me feel sad and scared. Hubby talks to the embie in my belly to make me feel better. This is going to be a long 8 days.

Dear snowbaby,

You are out of your ice and safely in mama! You are the very last survivor of the 22 eggs retrieved and 12 that ferilized in what seems like forever ago. Mommy and Daddy have thought of you often. We love Ocean and Ever so much, and we will love you just as much. The five of us will have a wonderful time together. If you decide to stick around, you will not regret it! Burrow in snowbaby, you have a lot to look forward to and we can't wait to meet you!

Love,

Mommy

Tuesday, December 6th: My second day of bedrest has commenced. Hubby, Oshy and I are all hit HARD with the stomach flu. Hard. I lose all hope I had of this working out each time I throw up and get overcome with chills and sweat. I am so so very sad this happened. When the pain dies down I drift in and out of sleep. Poor Hubby is trying to take care of the kids but can barely stay awake from the exhaustion of vomit. This sucks balls. Four days away from my first pee stick.

Thursday, December 8th: Home pregnancy test negative, 3dp6dt. I couldn't help myself. I know it's too early, but I had to pee on something!

Friday, December 9th: Home pregnancy test negative, 4dp6dt

Saturday, December 10th: Home pregnancy test negative, 5dp6dt

Sunday, December 11th: Home pregnancy test negative, 6dp6dt. I really thought this would be my day so I took another one an hour later. Negative. I decide I don't really want to do the butt shots anymore, especially since one side of my butt is red, hard, swollen and itchy. I may as well not waste my time, but hubby isn't 100% okay with this.

Monday, December 12th: I'm really hoping today is the day. I pee on one stick, negative. Maybe there's something wrong with it so I pee another, still negative, 7 dp6dt. This sucks so hard I wish I could punch someone in the face. My alarm goes off and says "yay, you're pregnant!" I forgot in my positive thinking phase I put that in my phone. I'm not pregnant. Thanks for the reminder. I'm never thinking positive again.

Tuesday, December 13th: I have had wonderful dreams about being pregnant, so I get up at 4:00 a.m. and pee on a stick again. Negative. 8dp5dt. I get the confirmation from the doctor through a blood test that it did not work.

And here I sit, completely losing my shit. I am so, so sad this didn't happen. My body actually hurts and I can't control my tears. This is such bullshit. I forgot how bad it hurts to have a treatment fail, but I am definitely reminded. I wish we never had that frostie, that they had dumped it down the drain, because since we knew of it's existence it has been nothing but false hope.

I'm going to cry today. A lot. In my car. In my bed. Probably in public.

Tomorrow I am going to probably be a really grouchy asshole.

Thursday I hope to forget about this whole business. We are going to do a fresh cycle when the time is right because we really do want a third baby. Some people might think that's cuckoo and I just don't care. But I need some time to get over this, look at our finances really in depth, and get in good shape. I know I'm only 27, but my eggs suck so if we are going to drain the savings (again) and not buy a house and still live in the ghetto (again) I have to make sure it's worth it.

That's all. I'm sorry for this depressing message. Thursday will be a new day.

New Reading Material Please

2011-12-05T21:39:00.002-06:00

I need some more blog reading to satisfy my intense voyeurism please.

I would like you to help me find some suggestions.

Here is what types of things I'm looking for:

1. Funny mostly, but not always.

2. Realistic. I'm not into those always happy and philosophical types who are crapping rainbows and think everyone should be grateful and thrilled all the time. I don't want to hear about how your cup of coffee made you realize how wonderful your life is. Boring.

3. I like nice pictures.

4. No pretentious mothering please. Ick, so gross. I don't want to read constant advice from others about why they are such wonderful parents. And usually those parents are the same as the rest of us, except more obsessive and neurotic.

That's about it! If you have suggestions, or even think your own blog fits the bill, comment it, I want to read it!

Totally Random

2011-12-03T13:29:00.003-06:00

- I am no longer ill. Praise. That sucked. I think Ocean is getting sick though. Eff.

- I really, really, REALLY need a cleaning fairy or a slave. I can't afford a maid so it has to be something else. I want to clean. I truly do. My house is a disaster. BUT . . . after questionable sleep (one of the kids has been in our bed all week, mostly Osh man), appointments coming out the ass, 8 hours of work and around 45 minutes of commuting places I just don't have it in me.

- So, I know you are totally supposed to ditch the bottle at a year. Last night my dearest hubby did not turn on the dishwasher so we had no clean bottles this morning. I figured at 19 months old the twins could survive one morning of soy milk in a sippy cup vs. soy milk in a bottle. No. They could not. It was true hell, constant tantrums and screaming. I never gave them the bottle, but dropping off two very angry babies at daycare is so not a great way to start the day.

- I had a mandatory training in harassment this week and I realized I spend 90% of my time involved in some sort of harassment. I should probably stop that, but really, people are whiners.

- This week the twins and I watched Happy Feet at bedtime together. We have never really watched a movie together before. They really liked it, but when the seal came out to eat the penguin Ever started panicking and crying and Ocean kept saying "oh no, oh no." I didn't realize they had fear of things yet. I know they cry when they are ticked or startled, but the whole realization that things are scary to them is new. Kind of cool how much they are growing and changing and how intellectually advanced they are, but I guess that means no more Walking Dead, True Blood or Breaking Bad while the kids are still awake.

- Santa is coming to our house in only a week. We are just special that way. I'll do that in a post all on it's own next.

- This whole Occupy Wallstreet thing is getting silly. Not because I disagree with it, but because they showed on the news that they arrested a ton of them in California. Really? Do you know how expensive it is to book and process and jail people? It's a lot. What a waste of taxpayer money to arrest peaceful protesters. Speaking of that, I saw a guy this morning on the way to work driving a BMW with a license plate that said "the 1 percent" in the front. What a douche bag. People like that are insufferable.

- Hold onto your hats . . . . . I COOKED! Yeah, I have made two crockpot meals, twice baked potato casserole, twinkie cake, mini pumpkin pies, chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake and rolls. It's crazy. That happened last weekend. It has not happened again.

- Constant updates during birth onto Facebook are becoming all the rage, but I don't like it. For 1. Birth is something that families don't experience that often unless you are the Duggar's so you should take the time to enjoy it and 2. It stresses me out. That may sound selfish and all, but please don't stress me out during your birth (ha).

The Peanut and her war paint

"Puh-lease, mother, why are you photographing me again?"

I'm A Wuss

2011-11-29T07:22:00.002-06:00

Back in the day, before I was a parent myself, I would watch other parent's and think about how many serial killers we would have in the future because parent's would laugh at their kids bad behavior. I would think to myself "what a little wussy, that kid owns that parent."

Well . . . . .

I'm a total wuss. I am a sucker times a million for my nuggets. Yes, I put them in time out when it gets really bad. When Ever is having a Code Red tantrum I lay her on the floor and walk away. I say "no no" sometimes. But unfortunately, I laugh. A lot.

Oshy's face is so delectably adorable when he is being naughty. He turns his head to the side and pouts his lips and then looks at you out of the corner of his eye. Then he smiles and giggles and then I do the ultimate mom sin and laugh too. Only a cold hearted snake wouldn't, right? Hubby doesn't and he gets ticked at me when I do, but it is really hard not to.

The other night the babies' were playing together while Hubby and I were watching TV and they were chit chatting and being so good. Instead of checking on them I took advantage of this and snuggled Hubby on the couch while I could. After about 5 minutes I thought this was too good to be true and they were actually taking a sharpie marker and coloring all over our hard woods. Hubby was horrified. I thought it was cute. Much to my total wussy dismay, I was also dreading taking the sharpie away because I knew it would make them sad and I hate making my nuggets sad.

So there you have it. I'm a wuss parent. My kids my as well be raised by a pack of wolves.

But they sure are adorable, aren't they?

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T11:17:00.003-06:00

It's Thanksgiving!!

I love a day where not only do I not have to work and I still get paid, but the reason behind it is just to be thankful and eat food. This is probably the best thing that America has ever come up with and I have been looking forward to it for weeks. I am actually going to cook (gasp!) some stuff this week and I have a family art project planned. Being lazy and hanging out with my family is the best.

I am so thankful for:

-My husband. It takes a strong individual to live with me and commit to that for life. Seriously. He's a brave soul and he makes me laugh. He does other good things but they aren't appropriate to share on the internet.

-My family. My mom and dad and siblings and my grandparents. I feel very lucky that my kids hit the extended family jackpot and we are very blessed that way. Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, great aunts and uncles, it's out of control.

-My friends. I have some really funny and great friends. Some are old and some are new, but they are really nice to have.

- My home. My home is small and old, but it is really special. It's our first home and it keeps us warm and that is pretty awesome.

- My job. Sure, no one really likes to work, but if I have to it's not so bad and there are so many out there who need a job I do feel fortunate. My insurance is great (aside from the no fertilty coverage but for the average person it's nice).

- My internet pals. I TOTALLY would have made fun of this back in the day, but really, I have found so much support and comraderie and good laughs from the message boards I belong to and blogs I read. It's amazing.

- And the most obvious thing . . my beautiful, funny, smart and sweet nuggets!

It seems silly to even say that I'm thankful for them. They overwhelm me sometimes, with good stuff. The English language doesn't hold verbage that is powerful enough to describe how I feel about them, but thankful will do for today.

I read a quote that was placed in a nursery and said "All my smiles begin with you" and I thought that was perfect. They make me smile all the time.

Ever is saying "whoa!!"

I'm not really thankful for the disease I have in me that won't go away so I am at home eating cheez-its and Thera-flu alone on Thanksgiving while my family is out eating good stuff, but hey, I know we can't have it all, right?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Happiness is Overrated

2011-11-22T12:38:00.000-06:00

. . . . says Brad Pitt.

"I think happiness is overrated, truthfully. I do,” says the Moneyball star, who has kids Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne with his partner Angelina Jolie. “I think sometimes you’re happy, sometimes you’re not. There’s too much pressure to be happy. I don’t know. I don’t really give a s–t. I know I will be at times and I know I won’t be at times. Satisfied, at peace, those would be more goals for myself.”

Some people think this is negative or a sign that he hates his life, but I happen to agree with him completely.

People are 100% obsessed with feeling happiness all the time or finding the joy in sucky situations. But sometimes life sucks. I think it's important to be thankful for what you have and grateful for your blessings, but happy all the time? No. That seems like some hedonistic goal of a toddler. When you are a grown up you should know that you are not going to be happy all the time. I think you should enjoy your happiness, but feel your pain too. That's being human.

Hubby and I were having a conversation about comparing. I feel like we are so trained to believe we should be happy all the time that we feel guilt when we don't and start comparing. This happens to me in terms of fertility. When I am feeling bummed about the disappointment, money issues, sadness that comes with fertility even after a successful fertility treatment which resulted in the two most attractive human beings on the planet (ha), I feel like I need to stop myself not because I really want to, but because someone else didn't have successful treatments, had to do more IVF's than me, lost a child etc. Hubby said to me "and some people get pregnant with no help, for free, so who cares what other people are doing? Worry about yourself." My therapist also pointed this out to me several years ago. Think about how you feel and live your own feelings.

The other issue with the pursuit of constant happiness is that happiness would not really be that interesting if that's all you felt. It wouldn't be a good feeling, it would just be. Without feeling sad, pissed, discontented, feeling happy wouldn't be that exciting. It's okay to feel a full range of emotions. It's okay to feel like life sucks when you're sad. It makes sense. Forcing happiness on yourself and others is not healthy. I don't think it's very productive to feel guilt for feeling sad just because other people believe one should always be happy.

I am so glad that Brad Pitt said it. I know some people are bashing him for it, but I think he is a rock star for admitting it.

What do you think?

We haven't had a family picture taken in a YEAR, so I choose the windiest day ever and we took family pictures. Woo hoo.

Seriously Thursday

2011-11-17T08:00:00.002-06:00

- In the last three weeks we have had two ear infections, one case of croup that sent us to the ER and now each and every one of us were vomitting and crapping our brains out with the stomach flu. Everyone says after the first year of daycare all of our immune systems will be better but seriously 1. I have worked in a daycare for the last 4 years and I brought this home! and 2. the one year mark is in June and I will surely get fired by then.

- My daughter got pee on my jeans yesterday before work and I wore them anyway.

- At my benefits enrollment for this year the reps from the insurance company informed us that they just bought one of our approved urgent cares. Just effin' great. In my opinion, health insurance is not to be trusted. The goal of good health should be good health, not making a buck so there is the first strike for me. Now they are owning doctor's offices? This is no bueno.

- Don't ever eat food at my house. I changed Ever's diaper and then the buzzer went off saying that the oven was ready so I popped some cinnamon rolls (the whole family's current guilty pleasure, twins love them!) in the oven. I noticed a little white something on the cinnamon roll, thought it was frosting then realized I hadn't opened the frosting yet. Butt paste. Yep, we totally ate a butt paste cinnamon roll. It was just a little bit though.

- The hubs sent me this text "just wanted to tell you you're a great mother and you're doing a great job." At first I was like, awe, what a sweetheart, but then I was like "seriously? what do you want?" Ha!

-I've pinned a ton of recipes on Pinterest and have yet to cook a meal. I can't remember when I last cooked.

- Mariah Carey was on the cover of Us magazine looking hot and saying that she did that by hard work. Ha. From one twin mom to the other, I know you don't have time for real hard work and twins will really rough up a dangler so we know you got a tummy tuck! Don't deny it!!!!

- I was changing sheets on the twins' beds and I came down to find a naked Oshy eating a cinnamon roll in the window sill. Seriously . . . I have my hands full with these kids!

- This post from Raven about how to keep a man serioulsy had me peeing my pants yesterday! Basically she says if you want to keep them, you just need to "feed 'em, f$%^ 'em, and shut up." I guess I must be very lucky because I don't do any of those things and we just celebrated 8 years of being together (I'm serious, I don't do ANY of those things, sad I know).

My flickr account won't let me log in so I will hit you up with some old school photos . . . .

Fresh nuggets!

These are classics! Every baby needs a sombrero . . .

Mad babies

People sometimes ask if I would like to have had them be infants just a little while longer. Seriously?!?! NO! Newborn twins are not a joke. But I love looking at these pictures and if I could get in a time machine and just go spend 5 waking hours with my newborn nuggets I would totally do it. They were adorbs . . . .

An In-Between Place

2011-11-12T22:29:00.002-06:00

This is an infertility post. It's not funny and it's not about parenting. Weird.

For awhile, being infertile really slipped my mind kind of. I just forgot a little bit. I was way too busy, tired, blessed, overwhelmed with joy having newborn twins and being a new mom to really worry about infertility. If you have been here awhile, I even contemplated giving our frozen baby to someone else (hubby was NOT cool with that idea). I just felt complete.

That has really been wearing away. Hubby and I lost each other for awhile, but have made big strides to get back to where we were before. I am so thankful that we are happy with each other again. The only downfall of being happy and in a great place with hubby is that hubby and I are reminded of all our dreams that we have dreamt up over the last eight years we've been together and those dreams included having three or more kids. Three is what we both really agreed on (although I could definitely do more than that). Hubby said it best: "I love our family. I love our children and they make me so happy. It would just be extra happy to add someone else to our family."

It's so weird to feel so joyous about my children (who are at an amazingly fun age and it just keeps getting better) and yet that nagging feeling like I would really like more of it. The internal struggle is that if Ocean and Ever are my only children that I ever give birth to, I will feel like such a lucky, blessed person. They are beautiful and healthy and smart and I am very in love with them. They have far exceeded my expectations in what being a mommy would be like. Last night Ever and I were snuggling under a blanket watching Sesame Street when she just turned her head around and puckered up for a kiss, so I leaned in and she smooched me and then I cried a few tears of joy because I felt so much love and so lucky.

Oppositely, I am starting to feel sad and jealous when people announce their pregnancies. I feel angry and unsympathetic when people complain to me about being pregnant. I feel like life isn't fair, why can't hubby and I have another baby when other people can do that for free, when they want to? And all of these negative feelings just feel wrong, when the two most amazing things on this planet already belong to me, I should not feel like this. I also feel like a disappointment and a failure for being the weak link who can't get us to where we want to go.

IVF costs $15,000 for one try and we, like many others, have no insurance coverage for any fertility treatment. One try is not guaranteed, we were very lucky with what we got. I don't know that I could go through all of that again. Ocean and Ever are now my number one priority. I can't take away from them and give to something that may not happen and having twins makes it nearly impossible to save money for such an expensive treatment. Besides, money that we have saved we would really like to use to buy a house in a better school district in a few years, not blow it all trying to get pregnant again. I could not do that to my babies.

I've just completed a month of birth control pills and I felt so much better. I didn't have the ups and downs and the issues and the pain and I even dropped a couple pounds without doing anything. It's good to feel better, but sad to know that the only way to feel this way is to be on medication that would prevent us from ever having a natural pregnancy (with our whopping 5% chance of that happening).

So that's my in-between place. Do I accept that life doesn't always happen like we plan it to and move on? Do I not give up and find a way to make our dreams happen?

I can't decide.

In the meantime, the babes and I will just keep having fun together. Due to the stomach bug from Hell that hit Osh and I this week, we got to have a PJ day on Friday. We just hung out all day and had a nice, relaxing time and went from one pair of jammies to the next.

Things I Love Right Now

2011-11-09T16:03:00.002-06:00

The nuggets, although insanely wild and testing boundaries, are so much fun right now. Hubby and I just sit in the living room in the evening and watch them and play with them and then talk about how funny or cool all the stuff they did was after they go to bed.

Here are some examples:

- Ever loves singing these days. She sings whenever she is doing something or is bored, like in the car. She even sings a song for Ocean and sings "o-o-oshy, o-o-oshy." She calls out "Oshy" a lot and refers to herself as "shishy" or sissy in our language.

- Ocean has been trying so hard to jump. Ever can get some air, but not Ocean. He tries so hard that he bends down and then jumps up and flings his arms into the sky. He finally got some air on Monday and laughed so hard that he did it.

- I cannot express to you how much I love hearing them call me "mama." It's the best thing in the world. When I go in their rooms to get them they say "mama" so loud. They look at pictures and then point at me and say "mama." I think they know I love it because they will randomly poke me and say "mama" to see my reaction.

- I'm very confident they are both geniuses. I wrote "Ever" on a board and said what does that say and Ocean pointed at Ever. Ocean ran into the room and saw something yellow and said "lellow." I caught Ever taking apart the tower she built and then she arranged the pieces in color order with like colors.

- Dancing is my favorite. Ever loves dancing too, dancing and singing. She gets a silly look on her face, bends her knees, shakes her hips and throws one arm up in the air.

- I hate to admit it, but Ocean getting in trouble is pretty funny. He is testing boundaries right now big time. He will do something naughty and then see if he gets in trouble. When he does he sticks his lip out and then tries to get mad. He doesn't understand that a mama can't take a sweet baby boy face seriously, even though he's trying to be a tough guy by not looking at me or hitting the time out wall.

- Right now their affection is so deliberate and I love it. When they are little babies, let's be honest, an infant will be happy with just about anyone who gives them a warm body and food. But now they give hugs and kisses and rub my back. They put their arms around my neck and nuzzle their heads onto my shoulders. Best.feeling.ever.

I am really loving parenting these days. Even on the days when daycare informs us that Ocean has been in timeout all day for trying to and then successfully biting his sister. Yeah, that happened for real.

You guys are so lucky that I am reproductively challenged and poor, otherwise I would totally end up being the next Michelle Duggar (except with cursing and yelling instead of patience and baby talk).

A couple pics from our trip:

A hayride with Grandma and Grampa. We had lots of fun, although I will say Arizona pumpkin patches have NOTHING on Kansas pumpkin patches.

With their new cousin! He was six days old in this picture and we let my little violent germ buckets hold him. He did survive, although I think Grampa nearly had a heart attack.

Seriously Thursday

2011-11-03T13:01:00.002-05:00

-My dog seriously died out of the blue almost two weeks ago and it sucked big ones. Like REALLY sucked. I told hubby we are going to hold puppies tomorrow night after work and he was pissed. Sorry, hubby, we are just going to hold them, we swear!!

- Kim and Kris and getting a divorce. Did anyone seriously not think that was going to happen? And to think I just watched their wedding special this week! I think Kris is kind of a baby and I'm not into baby men at all but Kim needs to grow up big time.

- Seriously . . . the fact that anyone gets pregnant by having sex really astonishes me. It is so far from the reality of my life that I can't even imagine it. And I still want to send mail bombs to everyone who gets pregnant by having sex after they tell me (it's fleeting, but it happens).

-The other morning I looked in the mirror and thought "dang, I look good today." I seriously can't remember the last time that has happened and I really liked it. Perhaps I should stop eating fast food more often. But then again it's fast and easy and that works very well for me.

-The tantrums in my house . . . . seriously . . . .it's out of control. The cool new thing for them to do is to fight with each other over everything. Unfortunately, it's pretty funny sometimes.

- I seriously need help in the hair/make up department. I have been trolling Pinterest but I am just not good at doing these things and I think I need a professional. And the ability to actually pay attention to what they tell me so I can do it when I get home. I would ask my sis who is a make up/hair guru, but she isn't spending Xmas with us like a big huge butthole (ooh yeah, did you see that Weiner, I called you a butthole on the interwebs!). Maybe I can just look like a shlumpa until summer, which may be the next time I see her.

- I seriously hate winter weather. I hate being stuck inside, I hate cold, I hate wearing a coat, but I do enjoy hot chocolate and I love the holidays so that is a plus. Santa is going to have to start collecting items for the twinkles very soon (but I am a major procrastinator, oops, I mean Santa is a slacker).

Here are the naughty twins climbing up a step stool to get crayons and marshmellows

Here is the Oshy that pulled chocolate chips off the counter and is now dumping and throwing them in the living room

Here is a Peanut taking all of the folded laundry off the couch and putting it into piles in the floor while mommy was in the potty

Travel with Toddlers

2011-11-01T20:09:00.002-05:00

We have recently just arrived home from a 3 day trip to Phoenix from Kansas by way of a three hour plane ride.

Well . . . . .

Wednesday night/Thursday morning: Ocean was up all night. Until 5:00 a.m. He had been a little sick last week and his ear was red but the specialist would like to keep him off of antibiotics. That did not work out. We went downstairs so hubby could sleep and watched Sesame Street for awhile. I happened to drift off into slumberland for a brief moment and the child emptied my wallet all over the floor, did the same to hubby's, packed a bunch of stuff into his suitcase and took a gigantic crap all over the place. Yay.

7:45 a.m. Thursday: Sadly woke up extremely exhausted and we began getting things together. I procrastinated as usual so had to drop the twins off at daycare, work for a few hours, and franticly pack and sort of clean. I also had to pick up an antibiotic and drugs for Osh because I had a feeling we were about to have a truly hellish experience on the flight.

2:45 p.m. Thursday: Pick up twins from daycare then pick up hubby then go to the airport.

Let me give you a list of things we hauled into the airport:

1. Two carseats
2. Two strollers
3. Two small Sesame Street suitcases filled with toys, blankies, snacks, coloring tools.
4. A diaper bag.
5. A back pack.
6. My purse.

7. Two lunch boxes

Needless to say, hubby was pissed about dragging all this crap through the airport.

4:45 p.m. Board the flight that was sure to be hell. Ocean slept the whole way and Ever was a little angel to my shock and pleasant surprise! Go us!

Everything became a blur once we arrived. Twins were happy to be out of the plane. Ever slept like shit the first night and we relaxed the second day (hubby pretty much slept all day Friday).

The second night was awful, especially because this became the third straight night I had with NO sleep. She couldn't breathe well off and on and had a barking cough. Long story short-we took her to urgent care asap Saturday morning and they were a bunch of asshats. I figured she had croup or maybe bronchitis, but they did a F- xray in which they decided she had severe pnuemonia and an enlarged heart and we should transfer her by ambulance to the ER. Umm . . . the girl was snotty and coughing, but no fever, still eating and drinking so I had a hard time believing this crap so I told them I would take her myself. We went to the ER, were checked in right away, and then proceeded to wait for 2 and a half hours for a doctor. In the end, she did just have croup and an ear infection and she received a very traumatic breathing treatment and snot suction as well as a steroid.

The next day we repeated our travel home except the twins did not sleep. It was 11:00 p.m. our time before they even passed out, but then Ever woke back up when we were in the car. Our house did not have heat on and it was dirty as hell and the sicko's need cleanliness and new sheets and I didn't feel like it so we arrived at my grandparents home to sleep at 12:30 a.m.

I am very tired. I will also not haul my children that far in their toddlerhood for only three nights ever again. That was not smart. The great news is we got to see a fresh new cutie baby which happens to be my nephew (that's probably why he's cute) and the twinkles got to see their grandparents (although after three nights in bed with Grandma Ocean has yet to sleep in his own bed, sigh). This was their fourth flight though, so they are a little jetsetting crew.

Snow White and the Handsome Devil

Hubby made the monkey's their own pumpkin patch!

Dumb Stuff From Pinterest

2011-10-24T14:22:00.003-05:00

Although I am a true lover of Pinterest, I do see many a pin that make me roll my eyes.

Source: weheartit.com via Laura on Pinterest

This is obviously not true because if it were true, all of us would be skinny. When you finally fit into your skinny jeans to go out with your girlfriends and there is a big fat piece of cheesecake smothered in chocolate you eat that shit. Why? Because you know it is going to taste damn good! I know I could be skinny if I tried, but I ate a cake pop for breakfast and it was delicious. I've been skinny. It didn't feel as good as a cheeseburger. Dumb.

Source: Uploaded by user via Dallas on Pinterest

So you're telling me that the crush I have had on Jon Hamm for all these months is real, true love? Yippee!! I knew we were destined to be together. Dumb. This nonsensical business is for confused teenagers and what would a confused teenager be doing on Pinterest? There are way to many quotes on there that scream "I am Debbie Desperate and I can't get over my ex-boyfriend of the cat fight I just had on facebook!"

Source: organizingmadefun.blogspot.com via Lisa on Pinterest

This is very poor advertising. Like a typical American, I am a visual person and respond to things that are appealing to the eyes. Let's say this pin was about the same thing, but had a hot chick sitting in a lounge chair getting a massage from a ripped topless man while her children sat in a well behaved manner smiling next to her and that is what I could get out of cleaning for 15-20 minutes a day I would definitely do it. But this? Uh, not appealing. Dumb.

Source: madmoizelle.com via Brenda on Pinterest

Do I even need to say anything? What the hell?

Seriously Thursday

2011-10-20T08:44:00.003-05:00

1. This morning Ever and I were playing round and round on the hardwoods in the kitchen. My glasses fell off so I tried to catch them quick before they hit her in the face. While trying to catch them, I let go of my child who then hit the back of her head on the hardwood floor. Seriously, wtf? She would have been hit in the head with a pair of glasses that weigh all of an ounce and instead her whole body hit the hardwoods. DUMB!

2. I am seriously in love with Friday Night Lights. I think I like that show so much because it is so real. Not everyone in America lives in a shiny white suburb with granite counter tops and a brand new gigantic SUV. In fact most people don't, it's really nice to see that in action on TV.

3. Seriously . . . my house is disgusting. I just can't clean it! It will be clean by Saturday, it will be clean by Saturday, it will be clean by Saturday . . . that's what I keep telling myself! Except it would be more effective to actually start cleaning instead of just talking about it though.

4. This seriously made me cry . . . .

Source: drmomma.org via Ashley on Pinterest

My stomach looks exactly like this (except for the belly ring, I am so not into body piercings, not even ears)! I think this person has a great attitude and I'm going to try and adopt it. The quote says "A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn.One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes, and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it's ugly. That's OK. It was your home.It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it." Gorgeous, right?

5. I seriously used hubby's face shaver to shave my pubes. This has been the #1 rule from hubby, NEVER use his face shaver on my pubes. But I have this disease where when someone tells me not to do something I get the overwhelming urge to do it. In my defense, it has been nearly eight years since this rule was instated and I just now did it! I wasn't going to tell him until I heard him turn it on the other morning for his once a week beard trim and I was like "umm, honey, I need to tell you something . . . ."

6. Seriously . . . if one more person tries to aggravate me about the whole dairy thing I am going to freak out. My children drink soy milk because 1. They like it and 2. Milk is made for baby cows. That is the point of it. My children are people, not cows, so I don't really want them to have it. I let them try it, they do NOT like it. There is just as much nutrition in the soy milk. Then when a doctor tells me to make sure they are going to get 3 servings of other dairy, I'm like WHAT? That still comes from milk ding dong. I do let them have one cheese and one yogurt at home because they like it and it doesn't bother me as much as them guzzling 30 ounces of straight milk a day. Sheesh. It's not a big deal people.

7. I am so seriously exhausted. I don't know what the problem is but I am drained. My children have gone on sleep strike this week. It is wearing me out . . . . .

8. My babies, my little bitty boo bears are EIGHTEEN MONTHS old on Saturday. Seriously!?!? How did that happen? Tear. We went to the doc yesterday and here are there stats:

Osh: 24 lbs 13 oz (35th percentile) and 33.25 inches (80th percentile). He also has a big ass head which I already knew because he screams every morning when I put his shirts on.
Ever: 22 lbs 2 oz (19th percentile) and 31.5 inches (47th percentile). She has a peanut head.

The twins are obsessed with slides right now . . .

The Terrible Almost Two's

2011-10-16T21:52:00.002-05:00

Let me run a few things by you:

1. Ever was getting a lecture two out of five drop offs at daycare before I could even leave for work. Once she told a kid "no" as he was coming in for a hug but he did it anyway and she wasn't into it so she hit him. Of course I don't want to be that parent that thinks it's cool their kid "defends" themselves, but seriously, she told him no, right? Anyway, the other time she slowly took each toy this kid had away and by the time he figured it out she looked at him and said "mine." It's weird because she is the second to youngest kid in her class, but the other kids seem SO much younger than her so it doesn't seem right watching them interact together.

2. On two occasions the daycare mentioned Ever's tantrums last week.

3. We now have two windows, an oven and an ottoman decorated with crayon. Mmm hmm.

4. On one night only, Ocean had two tantrums at McDonald's, came home and climbed a chair and dumped soy sauce into my water cup, purposefully sat on Ever until she screamed, and then peed in the hallway.

5. Yesterday the twins completely destroyed the toy room in less than thiry minutes. You actually wouldn't be able to tell if we had hardwoods or carpet in that room.

6. I hear a blood curdling scream while driving and Ocean has Ever's blanket on his lap and he is grinning from ear to ear.

7. I find them both laughing as Ocean is gently brushing Ever's hair with the toilet brush.

8. Ocean screams as Ever reaches across to his high chair and takes all of his food and throws it on the floor.

9. Ever takes too long on the slide, so Ocean feels the need to put his foot on her back and gently kick her down.

10. Ever does not hesitate to whack Ocean, or anyone else, a good one for doing stuff she doesn't want them to do.

We have arrived. The terrible twos decided to visit 6 months early.

On Wednesday night of this last week I about ripped my hair out. I was sitting at the computer when hubby got home from a late night of school and he asked me if I'd like to help him tidy up the house. I screamed at him "NO! I'M RESTING!!" It was that kind of night.

On the other hand, I must admit a lot of this stuff is pretty funny. I am trying so hard not to laugh and I don't really know what to do about it. They are pretty young for any decent kind of discipline. Basically, the #1 most popular word in this house is "no." If anyone has any other ideas, I'd be glad to hear them. Until then I will just continue to try not to laugh (or scream), and hope I don't raise a couple of degenerates.

Seriously Thursday

2011-10-13T07:19:00.004-05:00

Seriously . . . it's only Thursday. It should be Friday. Or even Sunday because that is how far I feel I should be in this week.

Seriously . . . I must be getting really old because I find kids today to be terrible, like one of those old people that say "kids today blankity blankity blank. Back in my day they would never do that." They just get worse and worse! What is wrong these days, huh? Or am I just getting senile?

Seriously . . . the next person who tells me about their suprise pregnancy is getting a mail bomb (just kidding FBI, I don't know how to make those).

Seriously . . . Netflix is killing me. First I got addicted to Mad Men and was totally obsessed. Now I cannot get enough of Friday Night Lights. That show is so awesome! Love it.

Seriously . . . I had smores on a campfire the other night and it was like a little slice of heaven. I like my marshmellows burnt to a crisp. Yummo.

Seriously . . . I"m thinking of starting a Pinterest craft club. How dorky is that on a scale of 1 to 10? Once a week, or every other week, no kids, Pinterest (my favorite thing in the world), making stuff, and probably a touch of alcohol.

Seriously . . . I am considering a second run to the pumpkin patch because we took the monkeys and they had an amazing time just as long as it had nothing to do with pumpkins so I didn't get any pumpkin pictures! It's a tragedy I tell you. But how can pumpkins compete with goats, jump jumps, slides, train rides and dirt digging? They can't.

I seriously stuck my debit card in an ATM machine and left if there almost two weeks ago and STILL haven't received my new card. I hate writing checks. They take forever to clear the account, it's boring, and I want my card back, TODAY!!

My wild man digging in the dirt!

$8 per package organic noodles so delicately placed on Ever's head instead of in her mouth!

Kidnapping

2011-10-09T19:42:00.002-05:00

An Amber Alert came on this week saying a child is missing in our area. 9 times out of 10, it's a custody thing. Now it's a major news story and it scared the holy hell out of me.

Not this time friends. The little girl was taken through her bedroom window in the night and there are no clues as to her whereabouts. You probably saw her on the news, Lisa Irwin and she was taken less than 30 miles from my house!

Like every nutbag mom out there, I randomly get up and check on my kiddos. I know it's crazy, but I just like to see them sleeping and also to know they are still breathing. The fact that they are in their cribs is just a given to me, I don't worry that they are missing, just that something randomly might have made them sick or stop breathing or something. So to walk into Ocean and Ever's room and them be gone is just not something I can even think about.

I told hubby that I would like for him to install some barbed wire around the babies' bedroom window. I received a blank and concerned stare as an answer.

Me: Honey, I am 100% serious about this. I'm not kidding.

Hubby: Um, dear, we have an alarm system. Can't we just use that?

Me: No, that just makes noise. Will the alarm system stab someone in the knee cap or scrape their hands off if they try to steal our babies? No it won't. I want physical pain for the person who thinks they are going to take my little monkeys out of their window.

Hubby: Ok.

Then he stared at me some more like a crazy person. I think it's a great idea. If he won't do it, certainly someone wouldn't charge me too much for that, right?

This morning we were all herding outside (the monkeys and me) to get into the car and head to daycare/work. An old lady was walking her dog past my front yard. The twins stopped to stare. Ever spit at them because she has behavior issues, but that's for another post. Then she started asking about if they are twins, how old are they, oh they are so beautiful, etc. I smiled and then she walked away and the light bulb came on. Kidnapper!! I just gave information about my kids in front of my home and she knows the two cutest 17 month olds in the whole wide world live in this very house! I'm screwed! Any smart kidnapper would try to kidnap these two, I mean really. They are adorable times a million.

So then I thought maybe we should get a gun, but then I remembered we are anti-guns and the likelihood that your spouse will kill you with it one day or your child will find and maim or kill themselves with it are statistically way higher than the likelihood we would shoot and kill a home invader. I'm thinking a high powered tazer is the best choice? That way if by some horrible incident when the kids are older and they find it and shoot themselves they will still live but we could definitely stop someone in their tracks if we needed to. Right?

Anyway, this whole thing is so sad and terrible for this family and it has made me totally insane, as you can clearly see.

What Ever does with crayons . . .

This is hubby's physics homework by the way, oops!

What Osh does with crayons . . . . .

I'm Pleasantly Plump

2011-10-04T12:43:00.003-05:00

I'll admit it.

Let's see here . . . after the babies were born I was sick as a dog and didn't want to eat much plus pumping my breastmilks like a maniac which allowed me to lose oodles of weight. It was quite exhilirating in fact. As time neared me going to work I used my elliptical machine semi-regularly.

It all went down the tubes when I returned to work. No more pumping for one thing, which is a calorie burning frenzy. I quit working out as much because I felt guilty for taking time away from the babies after I was gone all day to work out but I was (and still am most days) beyond exhausted from getting babies up and snuggled and on to school and then working all day and then trying to make up for lost time plus doing things I enjoy. I did not want to work out at 9:00 at night, especially when a full night of sleep is STILL (at 17 months old) not guaranteed and I had to get up in the morning and do it all again. Being at work also allowed me time to actually eat food.

I went from being under my first preggo appointment weight quickly to now, on this very day, weighing the same as I weighed when I was FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT WITH TWINS!!! That sucks.

This morning I woke up and thought "good grief, what is the heavy thing on me?" and took a look and it was just my big meaty legs. They are physically heavy and dangly and lumpy. I used to have fabulous legs and get compliments on them all the time. It was quite depressing.

Here are the reasons for my chubbiness:

1. I'm tired. I just want to relax after working all day! I want to lay on the carpet while Ever puts blankets on me and tells me "nigh nigh." I want to throw the ball with Ocean. I want to take them for a wagon ride. I want to take 8 million pictures of them doing whatever they are doing because I think everything they do is cute. I want to watch Netflix and do Pinterest. Yep. I do not want to run. I do not want to do Jillian Michaels. I do not want to use the elliptical. I only work out on the weekends. Maybe.

2. My stomach is severely deformed and scarred from pregnancy. Even if I turned anorexic it would not change the sick shit that is my gut, which isn't really motivating for me to care about doing ab work.

3. I love to eat. I also like the convenience of food that is quick. I don't always have time to pack snacks and lunch after getting myself, my children and my household ready for the day in a timely manner so I eat what I can grab while out or what is laying around at work, which is mostly carbs. I certainly don't want to cook when I get off of work at 6:00 p.m. and don't get home until 6:30 p.m. and bedtime events start in just an hour and a half. No, I do not.

4. I just make excuses and accept my laziness (see #1-3). There isn't much I could really do on the excersize front, but I could eat meal replacement bars or pre-pack my lunches for the week. I could chop up a quick salad for dinner, but instead throw in a pizza or run through the drive through. My dangler is gross and I have to accept that, but I shouldn't use it as a reason to not care about the rest of my body.

I know I could look better and I want to, I just don't really want to put any effort into it. A friend and I were talking and she said "I would kill to have my high school body back." I told her that I think that saying is so bizarre, that we would actually rather take a human life instead of just diet and excersize like we should. Her reply was that it would only take 10 seconds to kill someone and it takes a lot of time and effort to diet and excersize (that's why she is my friend by the way, because she says really funny stuff like that).

I need an attitude change, but don't know where to find it. I look at pictures of skinny people and try to tell myself I need to look like that. Isn't that the big issue in society, that women are supposed to look like people they see in the magazine? I wish I had that problem, but frankly I don't care what those skinny bitches look like.

The biggest thing that motivates me is to remind myself how much more energized I will feel if I lose some weight and eat right. I just can't find the place to start . . . . .

See-food funnel cake!

Dinosaur face

The End.

2011-09-30T12:12:00.002-05:00

This morning I went to my third appointment regarding my stupid reproductive organs and the havoc they are wreaking often now.

The sad fact of the matter is that if I take birth control it will probably help a ton. I may have endometriosis and the only real way to tell is to have a minor, outpatient surgery. The doctor said it would be better to wait and do the surgery before I really wanted to try for another baby.

Sigh.

I really don't want to be on birth control. After all the time it took to get pregnant I don't want to close the door on the small, tiny little chance that I could just get knocked up by accident someday. We did really want three kids after all. I've been reading that the biggest regret women have later is that they didn't talk their husband into having that 2nd or 3rd or 10th baby that they really wanted. The sad part is that I wouldn't have to really talk my husband into it, he would love it! But I am infertile.

Infertility is defined as not achieving pregnancy after twelve months of well planned intercourse. I have birth control free for twelve months now. In all honesty, our sex has been either never planned or actually non-existent (I'm exhausted people, especially in the 4 months-10 months period). But that twelve month mark still bugs me so badly. I'm still infertile. I will not be that person who is fertile after IVF. I'm re-infertile. Another twelve months have passed.

There was a mirror in the room I was in and I caught a glimpse of myself. What I saw was Debbie Desperate. I just want to be normal with a normal chance of procreating like any normal, average individual. Here I am, nearly 5 years and 12 fertility treatments later, still trying to find what no one has found: a good reason for my infertility. Yes, I was diagnosed with PCOS but I ovulated with Clomid, injectibles and then on my own with Metformin and a good diet. Not a single one of my hormones are outside of normal range, even ones that should be from PCOS. Nothing is wrong with hubby. I am 27, 23 at the time of my first fertility appointment. It doesn't make sense and STILL I am trying to make sense of it.

Maybe this feels so bad all over again because I didn't grieve this situation for real. When I ran out of IUI's and came out of my haze we tried adopting. That didn't seem like it would work so we did IVF and I had a baby so I never shut the door on having babies again.

I could just do the surgery and then try on our own a few months, but I don't want to. I want it to be a non-part of our life. If it happens, it happens, if not, it doesn't. As long as I"m off birth control I can hold on to that little bit of hope and have no regrets. Birth control feels like I am admitting defeat and closing the door and I don't want to.

But I feel like a toddler who isn't getting their way. I"m not willing to do anything drastic about it (like "timed intercourse" or fertility treatments), but I'm also not willing to give up. Desperation. It's a yucky feeling. And truly, I only think about this when I'm thinking about it, if that makes sense. It doesn't consume me all the time like the old infertility did. The re-infertility makes me want to go to the doctor and find the answers and fix it but then I get lazy and just want to enjoy my two precious, hilarious, smart and exceptionally attractive children (ahem) and my life.

I got in the car and had a good cry. I think I will just get on birth control. That way I will close the door myself and it won't be lingering in the back of my mind. The end. That's it. I'm not going on this fool's errand anymore. I'm not going to miss work or be sick or unable to sleep at night for reproductive issues that will be helped by birth control or lupron (can't get preggo on that either and it makes a bitch crazy).

In theory. Wish me luck picking up my birth control tonight and not acting like a pansy.

Source: lesleyvmartinez.tumblr.com via Ashley on Pinterest

Seriously Thursday

2011-09-29T11:34:00.002-05:00

Seriously . . . once your kid turns one stop counting their age by weeks. I don't want to hear that your kid is 77 weeks old. I'm bad at math. Let's keep it simple - either 18 months or a year and half. Thanks.

Seriously . . . I would love to watch some of this new fall TV but unfortunately I have two little TV nazi's in the house. As soon as they see the TV they start yelling "gabba! gabba!" and there is NO acceptance of anything else.

Seriously . . . what is with music these days? I heard the start to one song that went "am I better off dead?" and then the song about if I die young, my thoughts are worth so much more or whatever. What the hell? I like music to get me from one place to the next, I am so not interested in your suicidal thoughts. That's not entertaining. And really, I'm so over Lady Gaga. All her songs sound the same and her outfits are dumb.

Seriously . . . . my kids could not get any cuter. Since they were born we have been singing a lot. I have worked with young kiddos for awhile so I know lots of songs but when we run out I just sing about anything I see; spaghetti noodles, blue skies, cars, meth addicts, etc. Now Ocean and Ever love to sing and it is truly the cutest thing in the whole wide world! LOVE!

Seriously . . . whoever invented Pinterest clearly wants me to be fat, never work or pay attention to my husband because it's all I want to do!

The family that goes hot tubbin' together, stays together!

Twin Troubles

2011-09-27T11:02:00.003-05:00

Having twins invites lots of very random and bizarre questions. This has never really bothered me that much, I know lots of twin moms get offended, I just don't. People are curious. So? I'm really, severely nosey so I know exactly where these people are coming from.

When people ask how we got them, no, it's not their business, but I get why people are compelled to ask. When you're walking around with twins you may as well stamp a sign on your forehead that says "I'm probably infertile! Ask me about it" The asking isn't the problem, it just sometimes hurts to be reminded of that so I suck it up.

Now we are faced with new issues.

The daycare facility that they attend is very excited to have twins in the building. All the little kids talk about it and it is very cute. This morning we walked in and I heard two little girls discussing which twin they liked more and which one was cuter.They are just kids and I know I can't protect them from everything, but I wish they would not ever hear things like that! Ocean and Ever are getting smarter and smarter and I know the day will come sooner than I think they they will be able to pick up on those things.

Beyond the kids, adults do it too in a different way. I have had teachers tell me several times how smart or advanced Ever is. In that immediate moment, I soak it all up. Every mama wants to know those things. Then I look down at Ocean staring up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and wonder what he will think of this. One day will he compare himself and think that he is dumb or not good enough just because he is not the same as Ever? Vice versa, people do this to Ocean with his good looks. They will talk about him and how handsome he is and not say a word about Ever while she is standing right there.

This isn't due to vanity. I don't need people to comment on my kids all the time. This is about them feeling good about themselves and not comparing. Since they were born I've tried to remember they are twins, but they are also two individuals. People thought I was CRAZY to not get them on the same feeding schedule but I looked at my two babies and they are not the same. Ever is smaller than Ocean and I could not bring myself to overfeed her or underfeed him for my convenience (no offense if you did that). I just wanted them to function the way they are supposed to function as individuals (they mostly always wanted to eat around the same time anyway).

Now I'm in a catch 22. If they each have different talents that people recognize I want them to feel proud and special for what they can do. But at the same time, I never want one to have their feelings hurt trying to compare themselves to the other.

Will people stop doing that right in front of their faces? What is a mama to do?

Playing at the park!

5 Days as a Vegan

2011-09-24T20:54:00.003-05:00

Hubby and I recently watched two documentaries (with Cliff's Notes in case you don't want to click the links):

1. Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead - overweight, sick man juices for 60 days and is extremely healthy and cures his autoimmune disease

2. Forks Over Knives - two doctors do extensive research and find out that plant based diets free of any animal product (meat, dairy, eggs) or processed foods can either greatly reduce or completely eliminate a variety of serious medical conditions including cancer and diabetes

We found both of these documentaries very interesting. I was particularly interested because PCOS may or may not be related to crappy eating habits.

I don't want anyone to do outright mean things to animals and I think hunting is kind of gross unless people are really and truly using all parts of the animal, but I do believe that's it's okay for us to eat animals. We are mammals and there are lots of mammals who have a diet that consists almost entirely of meat. BUT - these documentaries did present a lot of compelling facts to me.

So . . . I decided to give it a whirl. I didn't have meat, cheese or anything with eggs in it for 5 days.

It was straight up brutal. By the third day hubby came home and I said "I AM GOING TO TACO BELL RIGHT NOW!" I just felt like I was really missing something and my stomach just didn't feel right. I don't know if this is because I really missed meat and dairy out of habit or I actually need meat and dairy in my diet. I feel like I have been eating WAY too many carbs and I had that feeling like I was starving for something substantial to eat.

On the other hand, I ate a ton more veggies, fruits and whole foods than usual. After two days, my headaches went away that I've been having. Something that changed almost immediately was something that is kind of nasty to share on the interwebs, but I will. My poop. I have ass issues that are more normal for a 90 year old and they went away in ONE day. One day only. I also felt a lot less bloated. This should turn the lightbulb on that I am lactose intolerant. Duh. I also was consuming a very minimal amount of salt.

I did not go to Taco Bell on that third day. I held out. On the 6th day I broke my veganism. I ate a salad with chopped up chicken on top. Damn, that chicken was delicious. Very delicious. Later that night I ate chicken again and it was pure heaven. For sides with my chicken I had vegetables and a salad, which I can assure you I would normally never choose (french fries, boo yah).

I decided that I am not cut out to be a vegan for two main reasons:

1. I loathe vegetables. I think they are absolutely disgusting and I hate them. Especially cooked ones. It would be hard and actually pretty sad in my opinion to live my whole life eating the thing I like the least.

2. I love meat baby. Meat meat meat. Yummy.

On the 7th day, I totally effed off in the morning. I had a caramel mocha (dairy present) and an egg mcmuffin (dairy, meat and egg present). A strange thing happened. A few hours later I felt yucky and gross and then ate some processed food and felt yuckier. By lunch time, I chose an avocado and tomato sandwhich instead of the roast beef sandwich I wanted so that I could feel better. I also ate french onion soup for dinner and drank a mother load of water.

I decided that I will continue with a few things:

1. No dairy. Dairy makes me feel like crap (emphasis on the crap, literally). My body is happier without it.

2. I am going to eat a lot more vegetables and fresh fruits. I really did feel good in such a short time doing that so I want to keep it up.

3. I am going to try to keep breakfast and lunch meatless. Sometimes not lunch though.

4. I'm going to keep eating a lot of whole, fresh foods so I can keep that clean, non-bloated feeling.

So there you have it. Now if I just find time to exercise I will be little Suzy Healthnut . . . . .

Things That Are Really Annoying Me Today

2011-09-20T16:05:00.002-05:00

1. Baby On Board signs on cars. Really? You think some psychopath with road rage is going to get pissed that you cut them off and then start tailgating you with the intention of bashing your head in with a baseball bat and that little yellow diamond that says "Baby on Board" is going to make them all of a sudden as docile as a baby kitten? No, it's not. You think when it is slick with rain on the road and that huge semi comes careening across the freeway it will all of a sudden just stop in it's tracks because of that dumb little "Baby on Board" sign? Or are you just advertising that you have a baby in your car? I don't get it. Dumb.

2. People who dress their kid to the 9's just to do everyday things, like go to the park or the store. Your little girl doesn't want to wear baby wedges, a skirt, a larger than life hair thing and a giganto vest that looks like a dead animal. Let your kid play. Your son/daughter is not your doll.

3. One of my feet is totally jacked and I walk like an idiot sometimes. This is completely my fault because a few months back I was at a place with my children from work that is full of those blow up jump jump thingys (bounce houses). A very fit 8 year old asked me to go with him and copy what he did. He jumped off of a section that was higher than the other and then did a flip. Because I am a regular genius, I thought I could do this too. No, I could not. My back and foot cracked. I'm still paying for it, as I deserve, for thinking that I am in as great shape as an 8 year old.

4. Internet liars. This is a phenomenon I don't quite grasp. Making up junk about yourself or your kids is just plain weird. Or people who bicker and bicker and bicker with each other online.

5. People who have a baby shower with every kid because "every child should be celebrated." I don't really care if you have a baby shower for every kid, that is not the annoying part. The part that is annoying to me is that you have convinced yourself this is for the baby somehow. How is that true?? That baby is a fetus who doesn't really care about anything, let alone if you have a party for it before it has arrived. This is for you. Own it.

6. Those feathers people wear in their hair. Only a few people look good in them, everyone else looks just plain silly. I was talking to a woman who had one that was thick and fluffy dangling off of her bangs and I just couldn't take anything she said seriously.

Phew. I feel better now.

Pizza!!

Ornery

Consignment Sales and Finger Nails

2011-09-18T16:28:00.002-05:00

I am a bargain shopper by nature. Mostly because I'm poor, but also because I'm super cheap. Cheapo for sure.

I have never been really big on resale or consignment shopping. I did one run to a nice consignment shop for babies before the twins were born and right after I found out we were having at least one boy. I found great things, but never went back. Other than some hand-me-downs, all of the nuggets clothes have been new (cheap, but new).

I went to a Just Between Friends sale, which is a gigantic warehouse full of resale clothing that is tagged and sold by moms. Well . . . . I thought it sucked. If the clothes weren't faded, the people who were selling them wanted way more than I would ever pay at a sale like that. For example, there was a really cute set of tights and a skirt that had never been worn. The seller wanted $10.00 for it. F that! I know I could find that for sale at the Children's Place for cheaper! The tag was still on and it said they were originally $14.95 and you could see where the person scratched off the clearance tag. I guarantee they paid no more than $6 for those at the store. Another example: there were some adorable boys sweaters and they wanted $8 for them. They have never been worn. They were Faded Glory, which is Walmart, and I would bet the seller didn't pay any more than $5 for it.

Moral of the story: I could find all of these things new just by being a bargain shopper instead of going to one of these sales and digging through 8 gazillion things just to find a few good items.

But I did find a few things. Since it suddenly became cold out the twins have nothing to wear and look like homeless, random, disheveled kids. After that sale I hit up a Friday night Kohl's sale and also the big baby sale at Old Navy. For less than $200 I came home with:

11 Shirts
4 pairs of pants
1 sweater
4 shirt/pant combos
3 dresses
1 SUPER adorable pair of never been worn Keen rainboots for Osh man

Not too shabby!

******************************************************************************

Last week I discovered something that had me in sheer panic.

Not once, not even one single time, in the last almost 17 months have I cut my children's nails. Nope. Never.

I sent a text to hubby to ask him if he has been cutting their nails. He said no, he has never done it.

What in the hell?!?!?!?!???

I wondered how I could possibly have overlooked that and the fact that my kids probably had daggar's on the ends of their fingers. I wondered if they even had nails at all.

Hubby text back that he thinks they just fall off. Oh right hubby. Genius idea.

But they really do just fall off. After carefully checking them they were not monster like and they do exist. On one of Ocean's fingers I saw that it was just kind of dangling (just a little not jaggedy soft sliver) so I wanted to see what happened. By the end of the day it was gone.

This is either really not a good thing and there is something wrong with them or I am one lucky bitch who will never have to hold her kids down screaming while cutting their body parts with a sharp object. Yay.

My little nut playing in the rain

Oshy boy playing in the bath

The Great Bottle Debate

2011-09-14T20:07:00.002-05:00

We ALL know babies aren't supposed to have bottles after a year.

Well . . . . . .

Regardless of my knowledge of this, my babies still have bottles. The pediatrician told us at their 15 month appointment to ditch the bottles ASAP. They are now almost 17 months old and we have a nighty night bottle every night. Sometimes they have daytime bottles too if the mood is befitting of one.

My first issue in the bottle war is that I don't really see the difference between a bottle and a sippie cup.

As you see, they have rubber tops and plastic bottoms. Same thing. What is the big deal? It's not that they can't use sippy cups, they just don't prefer it. They can use sippy cups, straw cups, regular cups and regular cups with big people straws (their second preference).

People say it will rot their teeth if they have it in bed. So they don't have it in bed. End of issue.

People say "well, what will it be like if they need a bottle for bed until they're teenagers? Won't that be embarassing?" I mean, I guess if they go to a sleepover and they get made fun of then yeah, it will be embarassing. I'm sure they will learn about peer pressure long before then. Also, I'm 27 and sometimes I need a bottle before bed. My bottles just look different, like these:

(not all at once mind you)

The main issue is ME. I don't give a flying rats behind what you have read in a book that your friend told you that you absolutely must read in order to parent a child, even though people have been parenting without baby books for the last bazillion years. Peer pressure just doesn't do anything for me. You can annoy me, make fun of me and talk about it amongst yourselves and STILL I do not care.

Because a bottle of soy milk before bed makes my babies happy. And when babies are happy, mama is happy. Mama also sleeps when babies sleep and babies sleep well after a nice cold one of soy. When they don't want it anymore or if I decide to get really mean or if something is drastically affecting their health, we won't do it. I'm the boss in this house. I decide what happens.

So there.

The Best Age

2011-09-11T15:42:00.002-05:00

I think the twins are the most fun right now. They are doing so many things! I have to admit when people ask me if I'd ever like another kid, of course I would. BUT . . . . when other women tell me how much they miss the newborn phase I think they are loco up top. I don't know if I will ever miss the newborn phase. Maybe when they graduate high school? Probably not then either. I just remember pumping endlessly like some food machine while they cried and screamed and I wanted to murder hubby for not having boobs to help with or at the very least wake up and walk around with one of the screamers. Of course they were cute and smooshy and they smelled really good, the newborn smell is very nice, but everything else is for the birds.

NOW . . . OMG I adore every second. I love hearing "mama" especially.

Today we went to the big city market downtown. You can get the mother load of fresh, local food for cheap. Well, I did buy a loaf of bread that cost $7 but we got home and had it warm with butter and honey. Mmmm mmm mmm.

Anyway, it was a long ride to get there so I let Ocean walk for awhile instead of ride in the stroller. He ran! He gets so excited when he takes of running on his little legs that it makes him scream. It is too adorable. There was an alley (I know, all the awesome moms let their babies play in alley's) with humps and hills and he was so excited to walk up and then run back down. His eyes got big when he watched a man play his guitar and I wondered what he was thinking about. I pulled out my wallet to pay for the bread and some cupcakes we were buying and he reached down and grabbed my Michael's Craft Store rewards card and handed to the woman with a huge smile on his face. She laughed and gave it back so he tried again with my dental insurance card. The woman of course ooh'd and aah'd all over him. He was so proud of himself! We looked in the case of pies and he stuck his face right up to it, so curious. I just love seeing him explore everything!

Ever was in a foul mood but when we got home she was happy. She lays on the floor all the time and reads stories outloud to herself. She is so serious when she does this. She is currently the queen of drama and can make quite the faces. She can now also say "cheese" when she sees the camera.

I am also really enjoying the relationship they have with each other. They hug each other and chit chat with each other. I have to admit the funniest part is when they are fighting with each other. The other night Ocean kicked Ever so she yelled "no" in his face and hit him. He laughed about it so hard. Then she laughed and they hugged. Seriously . . . . melt a mama's heart.

Mommyhood is rockin' my socks right now. Moral of the story: toddlers rule, babies drool.

Stupid Ovaries

2011-09-08T19:50:00.002-05:00

You know those stories you hear about people who get knocked up naturally while adopting or whose bodies magically became fertile after giving birth even with years of fertility treatments behind them?

I secretly hoped I was one of them. I secretly wished that one day I could wake up and be like "ooh, my period is late. Maybe I'm knocked up?"

A week ago I was awoken from my sleep by pains in my sides and I was like "ooh, my period is late." But not for one second did I think "maybe I'm knocked up?" I was in pain. My ovaries felt like baseballs bouncing around in my body. I just knew my PCOS was at it again even though I had gone a good SIXTEEN months without issues.

The OB confirmed that my ovaries were enlarged and if I am not going to be taking birth control then I need to be on meds to control the cysts on my ovaries. I've been on these meds before when trying desperately to get knocked up and they are helpful but you get major diarehha in exchange. Everyone loves diarehha right? Not.

To add to the fun of the realization that birth did not cure my reproductive organs, I had a cyst explode last night which left me vomitting this morning and caused me to have a major pity party. And a percocet.

I cried to hubby that I had just hoped so much that I would be normal now, like a normal person without constant reproductive system issues.

And hubby said he had really hoped so too.

At the same time I feel so lucky that I have these two funny munchkins. What if things just get worse and I had waited until there was no hope left?

Stupid ovaries. You suck.

The babies first ride with the top off in the jeep! They weren't impressed.

Our pitiful attempt at a family photo taken at the park!

The Week From Hades

2011-09-05T21:20:00.003-05:00

Hubby travels for work, about one week a month or maybe a little more. He gets notice the week before he goes. It sucks balls sometimes.

Luckily, my grandparents are here for the rescue and we have a glorious time spending the night at their house because I am a little pansy who doesn't sleep well when hubby is gone. Our other schedule issue is the hubby goes to class two nights a week now and my usual work time off is 6:00, which is when daycares close, so my grandparents have helped out by picking them up those two nights.

They got picked up Monday night by my Papa. We ate dinner with him and then came home, did baths and bedtime no problem. I have this shit down.

Tuesday hubby leaves. They get picked up by Papa again. I stop by the house and let out the dog then put him in his kennel. Ever sleeps with Papa and I sleep with Ocean. They really only sleep well in their own beds so Ocean tossed and turned and I slept okay. I dropped them off at daycare and then went home Wednesday morning to let the dog out.

The house smelled like death. The dog had pooped, puked and peed all in the office. Even the wall had shit on it. I have worked with children a long time. I have cleaned their butts. I have wiped their boogers on my shirt in lieu of Kleenex. I have caught their vomit in my bare hands while pregnant with twins. BUT I CANNOT TOLERATE ANIMAL MESS. It is extra disgusting and I just can't do it.

But hubby is gone, two states away, so I have to. I put the barf kennel outdoors and the left the dog outside knowing full well he would run away. I was okay with that. I opened windows and proceeded to work. I got off early so I could pick up the nuggets to once again pawn them off on someone else (my mother in law) so I could clean up dog shit instead of spend time with them. I open the door and the house is infested with flies and bugs. WTF times a million!?!? I light several candles and get to work. After three hours, I realize we cannot sleep in this house so I pack our bags and go to stay at my grandparents even though they are not there. I cry like a little baby the whole time I drive to pick them up. I cry about hubby being gone, my house being disgusting, my babies getting continuously pawned off on others, Ocean being sick. Ocean is crying and crying, I know he is sick. The daycare had taken his temp right as I walked in and it was borderline, but high enough that he couldn't go back the next day. All I wanted was sleep. Ocean stayed up most of the night and then woke up at 5:00 a.m. 5:00 a.m.

I cried like a little baby again. I was so desperate. Ocean was crying and crying and crying and not sleeping. Hubby's family works and all of my family was out of town and hubby was out of town. I was royally screwed. I cried some more and then freaked out on hubby. He gave me the good news that they were coming back a day early. He found us at my grandparents at 5 in the evening with our pjs still on. The day wasn't half bad though. We had to stay another night at my grandparents and ended up sleeping there until today.

Friday was a great day. We went to the doctor and got drugs. Almost always I try to work part of the day or see if someone can watch them, but I took Thursday and Friday off. All the way. Okay, maybe I made the babies go to work with me for an hour Friday, but I took care of them the whole time.

I have had so much time with my nuggets this week and it is so amazing. My karma circled around and came back great because the babies have been in extra funny happy moods. We are now back in our house. I also ate a funnel cake today, and nothing could really be better than that. I'm proud we all survived. The twins have been in AWESOME moods and maybe I'm being arrogant but I think it's because their love tank is full of mama lovin.' It's true.

Peanut . . . the next Jersey Shore cast member. She LOVED the hot tub.

The Mom to Mom Attraction

2011-08-28T17:28:00.002-05:00

I know this will be very shocking to you due in large part to my sparkling personality and cheerful demeanor, but I'm antisocial. It's okay, pick your jaw up off the floor, it's true. I don't like people, I enjoy being with myself.

When we had no kiddos in the house a few weekends ago, hubby asked if I would go to a concert with him. I said hell no. I hate concerts. I love music. I hate lots of people, strangers in fact, being near me, touching me, yelling, icky. No thank you.

Since becoming a mom, I have had many unsettling experiences that seem to stem mostly from the fact that I have children. It's other women, making a beeline toward me, to discuss motherhood. I would feel more comfortable with a man in a mask with a knife and duct tape coming toward me because I'm trained in self defense. I am not trained in the small talk of motherhood. I am not trained in the art of being truly interested in other people's parenting tactics or childhood milestones. When I need help from other moms, I ask. Not ever one time in my life, have I felt compelled to walk up to a stranger and discuss parenting with them.

Once while shopping in Kohl's hubby and I were carrying the babies in a Baby Bjorn each. Shit like that is bad because "baby wearers" see that and come up and start assuming. That is another source of discomfort, assumptions of parenting tactics. "You are baby wearers too? You all look so comfortable. How wonderful that your husband participates" No, I'm not a "baby wearer," I am wearing my baby, there is a difference. I have not obsessively attached myself to a parenting style so that I can assure myself that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Twin strollers don't fit in aisles so it's easier and I'd end up having to carry them anyway so I might as well just attach them to my body. Duh.

I do not say these things because even though I am uncomfortable, I know these people mean well. I know that as human beings we feel compelled to have connections with others and be validated in our lifestyles, I just happen to be abnormal. After a few moments of silence because I am thinking all these sarcastic things, I say something that I know will be satisfying to that person. Then I rely on easy questions that won't irritate me when answered, like how old, name, etc.

I enjoy mom friends when they have been selected carefully. My family makes fun of me for having blog friends (and I have even met a few in real life!) but those have been carefully selected as well so I know what I'm getting into. But random people at the grocery store, mall, etc. just freak me out.

I will just pray my children learn their social skills from daycare.**

**We chose to stay with daycare. The sickness is driving me up a wall, but we weren't very realistic with our schedules. The normal nanny hours would have been 9:30-4:30 which are pretty great hours. But hubby travels out of town for work frequently which would bump that time up to 6:00 p.m. for a week, costing extra $$. I have a meeting early once a month so that would cost extra $$. I have to go in when people don't show up which happens about once every other week so I need flexibility. Hubby is in class two nights a week so that would add hours. So really, we would be driving someone bonkers with our crazy schedules and spending lots of extra $$$$.

If I Were A Polygamist . . . .

2011-08-26T14:35:00.002-05:00

After reading a post about another blogger's celebrity husband, it got me thinking about celebrity husbands. I could not just choose one, so I have instead chosen a life of polygamy. If I were a polygamist, I would totally be with . . . . .

Jason Bateman
He isn't a super hotty or anything, but I LOOOOOVE him. The number one most important thing in life, more than money or great abs, is a good sense of humor. I love you Jason Bateman.

Jon Hamm
Deadly sexy. I won't say anything else because it will be offensive.

Justin Timberlake
I can't explain this. I have never found him attractive. But then out of the blue a few years back I started dreaming about him out of the blue. Special dreams, if you know what I mean, and now I can't get him off my mind!

The True Blood Cast
All of them. I know I'd have to go to New York to marry a few of these, but I would take them all. Watching that show can really be a problem in my house. A good problem.

I'm sure there are more, but I don't want you all to think that I constantly just think of marrying lots of people (even if it is true).

So . . . who is on your list?

Happy Friday!

Mom Fail Number Infinity

2011-08-24T21:00:00.003-05:00

Yesterday morning the Nut and I were eating breakfast and then roaming around the house. Osh was still asleep because he forgot that we don't have playtime from 1:00 a.m. - 4:00 a.m. (also he was sick, but he made a beeline for legos after his inhaler). I let our dog out and right in front of our glass slider was a big, nasty spider! I hate spiders. Hate, hate, hate. That little shit built a web all across the front of the door so you would walk right into it and take a spider right in the face.

After the dog squeezed out of the tiny opening I allowed due to the spider I shut the door. I banged on it hoping the spider would crawl away so I could destroy the web and it would leave forever. Instead, the little shit just waved it's creepy arms at me, basically telling me it was going to crawl on me and kill me if I touched it.

I looked in our locked cabinet to see what I could find. There are lots of earth friendly cleaners so I didn't think they would do much in my spider death quest but then I found some ant spray.

I opened the door just a smidge again to spray that little shit. The ant spray didn't come out into a direct stream, it was misting and getting everywhere. While I was thinking about what kind of a terrorist would make death mist I should have realized this was probably to be used on hard surfaces. Then I inhaled some of it and looked down and saw that the Nut was right under my feet.

I panicked! I couldn't believe I was spraying poison on my little sweet pea nugget. I slammed the door shut and looked down at her and she started screaming. I thought "oh no, my baby has ant poison in her eyes!!!"

That was not the problem. I had shut her fingers into the sliding glass door!!!!!

I panicked again and opened the door and picked her up and looked at her fingers. They weren't broken so we got an ice pack from the fridge. She screamed and screamed. I felt horrible! I gave her lots and lots of kisses.

It turns out that she was just fine. She got back in a good mood and we went to check on Osh. But she did go to daycare with the light scent of Eau de Ant Spray in her hair.

On Mondays and Wednesdays I am on my own all day with the kids due to hubby being in school. I got Osh undressed and was working on Ever because she had dump in her pants. He ran into the kitchen, took an unnaturally large pee on the floor and then slipped and fell running through it. Nice.

It's a miracle anyone lives in my house!

This is a photo of my children being disciplined by me. You can tell how terrified they are and how effective my punishment is. They have flushed the potty like 8 million times in a row.

Going Back

2011-08-23T19:14:00.003-05:00

Remember way back a long time ago in that first dating honeymoon phase? I remember the beginning of my relationship, almost 8 years ago. I always dressed nice and started getting ready hours before our dates. I looked up fancy recipes on the internet and in cookbooks to cook for hubby so he would be impressed. We had so much to talk about. We snuggled and held hands and could never be away from each other. We left notes on each other's windshield while at work. We had all these big dreams of places we would go and things we would do.

Last night we were at the park with the babies (when will I learn to say toddlers? never?) and I asked him "remember awhile ago when we would something something (I don't remember what we were talking about)" and he said "remember a long time ago when you used to like me?"

I know he was just making a joke, but it made me so sad to hear him say that. Because he is a man, I just figured he didn't notice that. I love him but for awhile now I just really don't like him that much. I've been too mad at him. I want to go back to that place where I get tingly when he would hold my hand. When I slept good just because he was around. When my girlfriends would all be bitching about their boyfriends I just felt sorry for them, because hubby was mine and not theirs.

The last few weeks I have felt really calm. I have been busy, but I don't feel like life is steam rolling me like I felt the few months prior. I want this to carry on to my relationship. I'm trying to appreciate the small things. There are moments that I remember that are the place I want to be more often. One was when I was working in upstate New York. I was kayaking in a small lake. It was quiet, the water was shiny, the sun was out. I was laying across the kayak with my feet in the water and I thought to myself "life is so good." I think that a lot with my babies, especially at night when we are snuggling and they look at me with their funny smiles and rub my face. I want to take the time to remember that more often, yet I keep forgetting to do it. Right now I figured out finances, my job, my role as mommy, but I just can't get the relationship thing straight.

I know we can't have it all, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it anyway. I just need to figure out how to get there . . . . .

We had to cheese out with the elk antlers and the elk jerky stop on the side of the road (I know, elk jerky stops in the middle of nowhere don't sound like a smooth move)!

Health=Happiness

2011-08-20T07:54:00.002-05:00

My Oshy boy had pneumonia for three weeks.

He was miserable. Lethargic, sad, couldn't sleep well, chest x-rays (which he HATED), tons of trips to the pedi and 4 round of antibiotics in two months.

I was miserable. My boy just cried and cried all the time and I felt like a bad mom. I also felt like a crap employee because I rarely worked a full week at work in two months.

Hubby was miserable because I was so angry that my boy was sick.

Ever was miserable because he woke up a lot in the night so we were all up when we should be sleeping.

I KNEW my boy has asthma. KNEW it. Every virus the babies picked up Ever got rid of in 3 days and Ocean had for at least a week and settled in his chest. I have asthma. My grandma has asthma. My cousins have asthma.

I ignored my mommy instincts when the pedi's said he was just getting viruses at the daycare. Finally I put my foot down and went to an Allergy, Asthma and Immunology Specialist.

Osh has asthma and reflux, which aggravates the asthma. I felt bad that I waited so long. I also remembered all the breastfeeding stats about repiratory issues and wondered if I screwed up by only breastfeeding for 6 weeks. The specialist said that is nonsense, asthma is hereditary and no food on earth could prevent it. He said every fourth person in my family will have asthma and looking through the line that is pretty true. He and his nurse assured me I am a great mom, especially for going with my gut and bringing him in. Obviously this put the specialist at the top of my good list.

He takes Qvar in an inhaler twice a day and a reflux med in the morning. The specialist said not to take antibiotics anymore and we have a four step plan that includes other inhalers and breathing treatments and over the counter meds.

My son has been sleeping like an angel. He has been so healthy! He is the happiest boy. I love seeing him like this. I also truly enjoy at least 7 straight hours of sleep a night. Really, that's a pretty sweet side effect.

Moral of the story: Trust your instincts. I should have done this a long time ago and our life has changed quite a bit for the better in the last two weeks.

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. The rest and relaxation gods thought I got too spoiled on vaca last week so they decided to make my work life a disaster this week and I was working 11 hours days some days! Suck balls! The good news is that those full nights of sleep made them much more manageable.

Family pics from our fab vaca

We all had wild hair because the place we stayed at was a huge lodge in the middle of nowhere and the water was chlorinated, so it was liking washing your hair in pool water. I should have taken more pics of the babies heads because they looked like fuzzy little chicks every morning.

On the photo front to answer some questions: I have a Canon Rebel XT1i. It is pretty common, you can even buy the newer version (XT3i) at Walmart for around $600.00. It took me awhile to learn to use it correctly. The main thing is lighting and figuring out what time of day, where in the house/outside, etc the light is best. I read the manual to my camera. I also bought an instructional book/DVD combo by Scott Kelby. I also took a two hour class on how to use this type of camera properly. I bought an additional lens that I use most often for the pics you see on here and it is an EF 50mm 1.8. I have Photoshop LightRoom, but 99% of the pics you see on the blog are not edited at all, just straight from the camera! The other thing, when I know someone who is awesome at photography, I always annoy them with lots of questions. :)

We's Back

2011-08-14T22:37:00.002-05:00

Do you like it when I talk gangster to you?

Anywho . . . .

We are back from vaca. I noticed that I'm always feeling like a need a vacation but I take vacations pretty frequently. Is that wrong?

The munchkins were SO happy to see me. Even though I felt bad that they were so desperate for me when they saw me, I kind of liked it. Last time we were gone a long time they were just like, weird, do I know you? when they saw us but this time they definitely knew that we were gone and we are their parents and they were thrilled we were back. This didn't allow much room for us to pawn them off on family because they wanted to be with us all the time, but it was really sweet to see them so in love with us.

Ever is growing a lot of hair and I like it. She is a huge flirt and even though I laugh now I don't think I will be laughing in the future.

Ocean is having some tantrum issues and to be honest, it's pretty annoying. I have realized that I am the parent that I have always thought sucks. I know I need to lay the smack down, but whenever I lay the smack down and he starts crying and looking up at me with those huge gorgeous brown peepers I cave in. Ugh . . . .

Sleeping in one bed as family of four is a bad idea. Especially when you have a little violent nugget that will kick her brother's ass in the middle of the night just because he is close to her. And then your heart breaks a little when the sweet boy wakes up in the morning and gives his sissy a pat on the face and smiles at her even though she opened a can of whoop ass on him in the middle of the night and made him cry (she literlly kicked and hit him for touching her).

Ever has a new habit of playing with my arm fat. It makes me uncomfortable at all times, but in public it is especially bad. I don't know what is so amusing about my arm fat, but I really wish she wouldn't draw attention to it. It has to be gross to others. I have never heard anyone say "wow, look how cute that is! That baby is having such a fun time playing with her mommy's fat like play dough. Adorbs!" No. It's gross.

The babies love having screaming contests. Again, so funny, but not funny. I know they are like bebe's kids in public and not everyone finds twin screaming competitions as adorable as their mommy does and I need to make it stop. BUT, the joy on their faces is priceless. They are so stinking cute.

Many of you asked, so I will answer: my grad school application is for Human Resource Management. There is one little glitch in my plan and that is follow through. I know my personal statement and my transcripts will be good but I need three reference letters. The thing is, I didn't really ever bond with my college professor's and I have really only had one main consistent job since I graduated college so that is only one reference. What do I do? Help!

Life Without Kids

2011-08-09T12:00:00.002-05:00

As soon as the babies got here, I quickly forgot what life without kids was like. They have spent nights at Grandma's house and went on a vacation with Grandma while hubby and I took a vacation. Last Friday the monkeys headed out of town and we will be meeting up with them soon.

It was SO bizarre being around the house with no kids. BIZARRE.

A list of things I have done just since Friday:

I've seen 3 movies. The Change-Up (all I mostly thought about during that one is how much cuter my boy/girl twins are), Horrible Bosses (hilarious!! super raunchy though) and Crazy Stupid Love (so good). Three movies in two days.

I went on a 5 mile fun with a friend.

I did my Jillian Michael's dvd.

I woke up early and did cardio before work.

I went to a friend's house and watched four episodes of the new season of True Blood, the best show ever.

I packed.

I laid out.

I worked on a Facebook page for my photography.

I applied to grad school.

I went to a birthday party.

We went on a double date to the Melting Pot to enjoy chocolate and cocktails.

I researched getting new boobs.

I slept A LOT. At least 8 full hours a night.

I finished reading the second "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" book.

I worked.

I certainly did not clean one goddam thing in this house.

Normally I do a 10th of that plus take care of babies and I felt pretty bored. Truly, it was boring at times. Sleeping and working out were pretty awesome though. Babies are better.

Sunday night was spent on the couch with Hubby griping about how much we miss the munchkins and how dumb we were to let them go on vacation before us. I cannot wait to see them and love them and kiss them. We have a flight and then a drive and I know it will be so long in my mind to get to them and I'm sure I will have a meltdown at some point as I always do when things are taking too long. Then it is baby time, for five straight days. Boo yah.

Giving Myself A Little Credit

2011-08-06T13:03:00.002-05:00

I think I have bad self esteem.

People always tell me that it's okay that I'm overwhelmed and blah, blah, blah, you have baby twins and you work full time, etc. I have mostly felt that this is lip service to make me feel better and also make me shut up so we can talk about something else. Twins are really common now. Lots of people have them and they make it work. Sure, twin parents have a higher divorce rate and twins are more likely to bring with them some different issues, but really, what is the difference? It's just another baby, right?

I admit that this is tougher than I ever thought it would be. It's also way more awesome than I thought it would be, so I try to sweep the feelings of exhaustion under the rug.

The other morning hubby and Ocean were sleeping, so it was just the Nut and I. We ate breakfast together. We took a shower together (she sat on the ledge and pretended to shave her legs, it was super adorable). She sat in the sink and watched me do my makeup. Yeah, I actually put on make up. We put our things in the car and went to the grocery store. She trailed me walking for awhile and got lots of compliments. I came home and we packed our picnic. It was so nice, and it was so easy.

In a regular day where I had to go to work and I had both of them what took me two easy hours to do would normally take 10 hours of craziness. I then realized that I am not being paid lip service, this is hard.

I don't take it back of course. I cannot imagine any kind of universe without Ocean and Ever, but those two hours showed me that I'm not the lazy, chubby, unmotivated loser that I think I am. It's okay if things take me a long time and they aren't perfect because fitting in a work day+2 babies isn't as easy as I thought it would be (that sounds kind of dumb now that I'm reading that, why did I think that would be so easy?). My house isn't clean, my ass isn't firm, my babies don't know sign language, my cooking to eating out ratio isn't phenomenal but IT'S OKAY. The trade off is that I have the two most gorgeous monkey's EVER. I'm not kidding about this. They are so much fun.

I feel so much guilt about working out when the babies are up because I have been gone from them for nearly nine hours, out of necessity for our livelihood, so I don't work out until they are asleep. That's 9:00 p.m. Who the hell wants to work out at 9 at night? It's normal to not want to do that. Not lazy, normal. I must stop comparing myself to my friends who are so in shape and their houses are so much cleaner because 9 times out of 10, if they're working they have a house cleaner or whatever or they are not working and get 9 extra hours 5 days a week (please don't take this as a SAHM vs. Work thing, it's just math, honestly, I know being a mom is a 24 hour gig for all of us!). I need to just worry about myself and what makes me feel whole, not what others are doing and how skinny they are and how in the hell did they afford that vacation/house/car or the ability to stay home. That is what they can do, I need to be my own standard, not others.

Two measly little hours have opened my eyes quite a bit. I need to quit making myself feel bad. Of course everyone has their opionions, but I don't really care about those. I am the one making ME feel bad. No one else is doing it. So I need to stop that. Easier said than done, but I think I can do it.

I ran 5 miles this morning guilt free (I use the term running loosely, it was a lot of walking). The night before last I planned to work out but was too tired and I was okay with it. Baby steps. My babies are so amazing right now, they are funny and they explore and are well adjusted and growing like weeds so I can't suck at parenting obviously. I got some really positive praise at work so I haven't totally effed that up either. Why have all these nice things happened in a few days, good luck? I actually think it might be due to the attitude change. Weird.

There is just nothing in the world like watching these two lovin' on each other. It's delicious.

Adventure

2011-08-02T21:26:00.002-05:00

We decided to take the time this weekend to go on a family adventure. We drove about an hour to the thriving metropolis of Topeka, KS. Driving with Ocean and Ever=horror. They don't like to be contained. I wouldn't really either.

First we stopped at a Children's Discovery Center and we had a fabulous time there! It was air conditioned and it is hotter than hell out right now so that was the first good thing. It wasn't too big, it was just right and had lots of stuff for the nuggets to get into and spread their germs all over. Sorry other parents.

1. Ever laughed as she dumped things out all over the floor that were actually supposed to not be on the floor. In her defense, other kids were doing it. And she looks totally adorbs doing naughty things.

2. Both babies found doggy's, their fave, at the vet station.

3. Ever found something to wear around other than my underwear.

4. They got to paint on a wall. They thought this was amazing. It was so adorable, but then they painted their heads and their shirts. People laughed as we tried to clean them up.

After that we went on our first picnic in the park of all time! The park had tiny picnic tables, just right for Ocean and Ever.

1. Hubby didn't fit in the picnic table so he had to sit on the cooler.

2. There was a little train that runs all through the park. The park was super sweet and old school. The train ride cost $1.25 a person! Can you believe that? So cheap. We rode past a fishing pond, a 103 year old carousel, a rose garden, a huge teeter totter with a whole family on it squealing with delight, and through a dark tunnel. The babes were in awe.

Then we decided to visit the zoo. It was the world's tiniest zoo. Ocean was so in love with the orangutangs (I don't know if this is proper spelling, it's a weird ass word if you ask me) his face was smooshed against the glass and he was chirping his happy squeal. According to Ever, we saw lots of doggy's.

What, this isn't a dog?

It was nice being together.

Marriage Saving and Butt Shrinking Tactics

2011-07-29T21:47:00.002-05:00

People who know us would not really know that we are having marriage issues, but I always do my best to not embarass myself in front of others by having fights in public. I say do my best because sometimes I can't help it. But it's just not a pretty place these days. We also don't have fights in the house because the twins are here and we don't want them to be a part of that crap so we just sit around festering.

I am a NAGGER. I nag and nag and nag. I'm trying not to do that because I would get annoyed with it too, but it's just so darn hard because the fact that hubby isn't a mind reader (or a fast learner for that matter) is just so dang annoying! I tried this week to stop myself everytime I thought about nagging. Here is how it goes:

Hubby: Doing something annoying and seemingly lacking in common sense

Me: Getting ready to bite his head off, but wait, wait self. Do you really want to do this self? Is it worth it? Will you get results or just an eye roll?

Hubby: Patiently waiting to see what is going to happen

Me: I don't nag, I say okay and we work it out.

It worked pretty well but today is Friday and my patience has been used up for the week so nagging has commenced. I think I did pretty well the rest of the week so we have progress.

Some hard chats may have sunk in though because hubby has agreed that it is possible for me to work part time. This is a big deal. There are moms out there who can do it all, have twins, work full time, take good care of their bodies, cook, clean and still have energy. I'm not one of them. That's just reality. Working part time could have a very good positive effect on my household.

I'm having loads of trouble getting into shape. I have no motivation, but self esteem is at an all time low and it's having a very negative effect on just about every aspect of my life. I used to be the workout queen and never thought I'd be here, but I truly just can't find it in me to make myself take care of my body.

Although it is probably counterproductive, I do enjoy a beer. So . . . I may not enjoy a cold one (Bud Light Lime baby) until I work out. I have worked out two nights in a row, because trust me people, I REALLY need that beer. I work out, shower, get ready for bed, and then have my beloved beer-y poo.

I feel like I'm in such a strange position. I am currently enjoying the babies more than ever. They are so precious and hilarious. They light up my life, truly. I could just bask in the glow of Ocean and Ever. At the same time, everything else in my life is not going well. Is it greedy to want to have two perfect amazing children (check) AND job satisfaction, decent self esteem, and a relationship that is enjoyable(uncheck all words past AND)? I feel like it has been one or the other. The very greatest, most amazing feelings accompanied by some very crappy feelings.

A friend suggested that I might be depressed, that I seem depressed to her. Maybe time for drugs again? I don't know about that. I want to fix it myself. Each morning I tell myself to change my attitude. Just think differently. It only takes a few hours before I am unable to. I'm starting with working out and trying not to nag so much, but I'm just not patient.

Names

2011-07-26T21:48:00.002-05:00

A young lady I work with was telling me about her family member named Raleigh.

Me: "That's super cute. It's a city in North Carolina by the way."

Young lady: "Yeah, I think that's where she was conceived."

Me: "Really?"

Young lady: "I think so."

Me: "In that case Ocean and Ever would be named Blankity Blank Regional Medical Center."

Young lady: "Gross! You conceived them there?"

Me: "Yeah, in a petri dish."

Young lady: "Oh yeah, I forgot about that!"

Ha ha! Even though it's too bad they weren't conceived somewhere with a cool name, or for free the old fashioned way, it is cool to be able to joke about it now. Aaaahhh, feels nice.

P.S. You are going to be seeing these pics for awhile, there are a lot of them.

P.P.S. I took the pics and made the bow and tutu. I'm not as worthless as you might think. Just because I don't cook or workout or clean doesn't mean I can't do anything!

P.P.P.S. I have special love in my heart for people who drop f bombs in the comment section. I'm serious. I love it (you know who you are).

Sunday Random Sunday

2011-07-24T10:34:00.002-05:00

1. My babies just turned 15 months old on Friday. It's going so fast I can't believe it! Ever can say so many words it's crazy. Unfortunately one of them is boobies but still, I'm proud. Ocean is finally feeling better and man is he adorable. Can't get enough of these two goofballs these days . . .

2. I am by far the worst eater ever. I eat like total dog poo. I want to stop but I just can't! I'm going to try to cook this week. I always plan to cook but then the morning happens and then the work day happens and then I'm too tired. I felt so good a month ago when I cleansed and ate cleaner and I totally ruined it.

3. Michele Bachmann. What an idiot. If you are a long time reader you know how I feel about gay rights so obviously this woman is going to rub me the wrong way (if you are not a long time reader then I believe that gay people deserve all the same rights as the rest of us have, I know, weird right? People having equal rights in America in the year 2011?). I would love to see a really stand up, well educated bad ass woman president. Wouldn't that be awesome? It doesn't appear to be a possibility currently. I cannot believe that anyone would be okay with someone who refers to gay people as barbarians!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???

4. Hubby and I are having marital issues. Serious ones. It's hard. But in an effort to help things (again) I agreed to go see Harry Potter with him. It wasn't terrible, but I wish we could have seen Horrible Bosses or something like that. The new agreeable me though is going to bend on somethings and be supportive of hubby's enjoyments. Also, he and the children were upstairs for a long time and they came down and he had painted Ever's toe nails. Seriously, how can you not like a guy that will paint his one year olds toe nails?

5. Would you like to know how lazy I am? The thank you cards from the twins one year birthday are sitting right here on the desk, all written out and ready to go. They have been for month. I just haven't gone to the post office. Naughty.

6. My new addiction: McDonald's coffee. I love the Caramel Frappe and the way I roll is to go between 2-5 for happy hour so I get a medium Caramel Frappe AND . . . you also get a free Redbox movie. For $1.97 with tax a treat and movie?? It's a poor mama's dream (you just have to find a time when it's quiet and you are not so tired that you can actually stay awake for said movie).

7. This must be about the time that normal, fully functioning reproductive women have their 2nd child because I feel like I am getting asked a lot if we are going to do this again. The answer is no, but in other reproductive news I probably have endometriosis. PCOS and endometriosis. Sounds like fun. Not.

I should be cleaning my house right now, but instead I will show you pictures of my muffins . . .

Nanny Quest 2011

2011-07-18T21:55:00.003-05:00

I have mostly decided on going with a nanny. I just think it is what is best for our family at this time and we can re-evaluate the need for daycare/preschool at age 3. I did say mostly though, so I am giving myself until Friday to decide.

I have only interviewed two so far and I like them both and it's hard to choose. BUT-I received so many responses from our ad that it is unbelievable. I had an amazingly easy time narrowing it down though.

1. People who used text speak (what r ur babies namz?)-DELETE!!

2. People who can't spell - DELETE!!

3. People who automatically only ask about the money - DELETE!!

4. The person who responded like this - "I have experience with children because I have two. But are your babies well behaved? Kids are so crazy and bad these days and I just can't handle it because parents have no boundaries." - DELETE!! And pick my jaw up off the floor.

5. People who overshare and tell me that they like yoga and they aren't a drunk they just like to have a beer with their friends every now and then - DELETE!!

I narrowed it down to three to interview and a few on the backburner. It's kind of scary! Ever liked both of them, but Ocean just likes Mommy and Daddy. Can't blame him, we are the best. I feel like a tool big time in the interviews. I don't know what to ask, which is embarassing considering I interview people to work with children for a living. It's just different when it's your own kids (and most interview questions are so lame "what would your supervisor say about you?" "Name three strengths you have" "where do you see yourself in five years?"blah blah blah).

Who know what will happen? I'm kind of just trying to make it through to the next day these days, by Friday everything could be different. Hopefully because I won the lottery.

Blog Reading Before Vs. After

2011-07-17T12:21:00.003-05:00

When I was in the throes of IF, I would read blogs like crazy.

Thankfully, many of those bloggers are preggo/have adopted/had babies etc so now a lot of the blogs I follow are parenting blogs.

This has created a bit of a conundrum. Why? Because frankly, some people's parenting is just plain crazy in my opinion. I'm sure there are people who read this blog and are horrified by my parenting so I do understand that it's okay. I never leave nasty comments and have certainly never jumped on the anonymous rude comment bandwagon so I could come back at another time.

I'm not talking crazy as in dangerous and I should call social services, but crazy as in weird and I don't get it. There are many things in life that I can just say "to each there own" but there are some things that I just find straight loco.

It's hard because even though I don't really "know" my fellow bloggers, I needed their support and it was so cathartic to give support in return during the hell that is infertility. So how could I just delete them from my blogroll when I needed them before? But I had to. I recently just deleted a few because they were just too crazy to a point that was bothering me and I don't want to be bothered by strangers weird parenting. I have other stuff to do. I only deleted a few but it felt so wrong and dirty.

You see, I am a first time mom, technically. Really, though, I am a five time foster mom and someone with 11 years of experience working with kids so I just don't have the same issues many of my first time mom friends seem to have and sometimes that anal shit is just plain hard to watch. I have my moments, but it's not my consistent style of parenting, if you will.

Perhaps I am doing everything wrong. I don't know. I'm not saying this crazy anal parenting crunchy granola business is wrong, I just don't like it. The sad fact of parenthood is that their kids will probably turn out exactly like mine because I believe that a good chunk of personality is organic personality, not necessarily influenced by "methods" and things. Habits of course are usually learned, but not core personality. It's sad because we think everything we do is going to create who our kids are, but I don't believe we are really that powerful. I think we have a lot to do, but not as much as we hope.

It's really bizarre sometimes, the blog world. You know so much about people you just don't know. So I did some housekeeping.

P.S. If you are reading this and your blog is on my list even though you haven't updated in months, that means I miss you. Please come back to me. I need to read your business.

Sweetest face on the planet

Saturday Morning Scene

2011-07-16T08:44:00.002-05:00

This is my first morning linking up to Loves of Life for Saturday Morning Scene!

This morning we are watching Yo Gabba Gabba! in lawn chairs in the living room. Without pants.

We're white trash.

We are also giving the doggy some lovin.'

Today hubby and I are going to be cleaning like there is no tomorrow. Our house is a garbage pit so it's time anyway, but he is also having surgery on Tuesday so I just want everything in order as I will be doing things all on my own for awhile after that! Wish me luck!

Nanny or Daycare?

2011-07-13T22:30:00.002-05:00

My decision making skills suck big balls.

Ocean is still sick. He has not been to daycare since last Wednesday. We went to the doctor again today and he still has pneumonia in both of his lungs.

I was thinking (in reality I was crying and freaking out) that I can't deal with this. I knew that they would get sick going to daycare, but for the love of Pete, Ocean has PNEUMONIA and this is his 4th round of antibiotics. I have asked everyone under the sun for their opinion and it is a 50/50 split. The pediatrician today said that if we keep him in he will eventually have a really great immune system and if we wait until he is three to put the monkey's back into a daycare setting they will get sick then too. The only difference is that when he is three is the tubes in his face (don't know the technical terms for them) will be larger so he may not have as many issues with everything pooling together and getting infections. This is my boo bear last night.

This morning he had as much snot coming out of his eyes as his nose! It was horrifying! The pedi said it's because there is no more room for him to drain into his nose and chest so it's coming out of his eyes. Science fiction style.

Something else happened the other night. I went to pick the babies up from daycare last week and Ocean was sitting on the floor and his arms were up because he wanted to be held. He was crying and crying. In my rational mind I know he is not the only kid and there is no way one person can hold all the kids when they need it or if they are doing something. Even I can't do that. But in my mommy mind, I was pissed. I don't want my sweet guy crying for attention like that, it broke my heart. Then he got pneumonia. Then he stayed with my grandma and despite being sick he has been so much less whiney because he is getting the attention that he needs this week.

So I thought of a new genius plan: A NANNY.

I have searched around the area and asked people and what we would pay a nanny would be very slightly less than what we pay the daycare. We would then need to buy food so that will be extra and I would also have to keep the house clean so that the nanny doesn't call social services on me but it would be worth it I think. We can put off the death of horror daycare sickness for a few more years and my babies could get attention. They could go do fun things with the nanny. They could meet daddy for lunch once a week (on that thought I better get an ugly nanny) and they could visit me at work. I would not have to get them ready in the morning and shove them in the car. This is beneficial to me AND the babies.

What do you think? Should I deal with daycare or go for the nanny?

Here is Ever with the dang panties again. Should I be worried? I'm not.

We are currently obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba! Even I am obsessed. It's a really good show. I just feel like a dork walking around singing "i like grapes, i. like. grapes" all day. Embarassing.

In a Funk

2011-07-12T20:22:00.002-05:00

I am in a major funk right now.

I think that 90% of it is due to sleep deprivation.

Really though . . . . I feel like I am doing a million things okay (or really sucky) and not one thing really well.

I feel like I am drowning at work because I am SO tired. It's like the hamster wheel, I move and move and get nowhere.

The babies have been sick consistently since daycare began, especially my Ocean. Ocean even has pneumonia right now! Watching my sweet boy get a chest x-ray was sad. He was crying and looking at me so I was waving and saying "it's okay baby boy" and the x-ray tech was like "no, no waving, stop that" and then I slapped her. No, I didn't. But I wanted to. I'm not giving my babies enough and the guilt is sucking me up.

Hubby and I are not having good times together. Partially because he is annoying and partially because I hold grudges that I need to let go of. I don't want to live here. I don't want to work. That is up to him because he would have to pay all the bills or move far away and he doesn't want to so it makes me so angry with him that I can't enjoy the good moments like I should.

I'm chubby. I start a diet and lose weight but then I am over it in seconds. You only live once, you should eat lots of ice cream and Chik-Fil-A right? Wrong! But I do that. I used to love working out, but now I prefer babies, sleep or mindless activities (no offense blogging and Secret Life of the American Teenager).

My house is a disaster area. It's sick. I don't have the will to clean it. I don't want to. I work all day when I want to be with my babies, then I spend time with babies and then they go to bed. I could clean, but I do things that I want to do instead.

I realized yesterday through yet another tear filled haze that I just think life isn't fair sometimes. That mentality is getting me NOWHERE! Instead of being sad or angry or jealous or exasperated I need to attempt to do something about this (besides buy lottery tickets, deduct applicable taxes, see how much of my theoretical lottery winnings are left, go imaginary home shopping and think of the places I will be vacaying at since I will no longer be working. Mmm hmm).

Things I am going to do ASAP:

1. Realistically consider how I can make work and/or not working work out better than it is now.

2. I emailed my mother in law in desperation to see if she could watch the munchkins for a few hours this weekend so that I could deep clean my house and then set up a schedule to clean a little tiny bit each day so that it doesn't pile up into a gigantic filthy shithole again.

3. I need to refill my spiritual tank. I know just the place to go this Sunday to give me perspective and help me out.

4. I'm going to do something nice for myself. Maybe a pedi? I don't know, but I am going to do something for myself and I WILL NOT feel guilty.

5. My iPod is charging and I am about to head up to the elliptical machine to get in some cardio.

I'm hoping all these things will be a good start to changing my attitude so that I can enjoy the things I do have, instead of being sad/angry/jealous/guilt ridden about the things I do not have because this is draining my soul and wasting my time.

I don't have new pictures for you. I know, that is a sure sign of serious mental illness for me but hopefully this weekend will bring new things. How 'bout some oldies? I thought it would be fun after I tearfully gathered Ocean's newborn sized clothes (so tiny) for a friend with a new foster baby coming.

Tiny little baboos. Do you remember them being this tiny? I barely do. I made the monks a book for their first year and they love looking at it, especially Ocean. When he brings it to me I say "do you want to read the baby Ocean book?" and he gets so excited! Also, these are hospital gowns. I did not bring a single pair of pjs for them! HORRIFYING! If you are pregnant, don't forget jammies. Ugh, idiot.

Do you remember when I looked like a hot mess like this? Oh yeah, I still look like that, even when I go to work. I guess the just-had-major-surgery-birth-and-near-death-blood-vomitting-plus-no-make up look never wore off. Sad.

Hahahahaha!!! I didn't know that this was a peek into the future. One sweet munchkin, one wild woman. Can you believe that those are 4 week old babies and their newborn onesies were a little too big still? Stop it!!

I Got Mom War'd

2011-07-10T16:32:00.002-05:00

The monkeys and I were playing at the park together when up walks a woman and her cute daughter.

Woman: "Oh look at the babies, they look to be your brother's age."

I knew this was the beginning of a conversation which made me want to roll my eyes because as much as I try, I don't care about random strangers and their kids habits or ages. I know. I'm mean.

But I ignored it.

We kept playing.

Woman: "How old are they?"

Me: "They are 14 months how old is yours?"

Woman: "Oh they are twins?"

We are starting to get this a lot because of the size difference that is happening between Ocean and Ever people no longer assume they are twins.

Me: "Yep."

Woman: "I have a son and he is only 14 months younger than my daughter."

Me: "Wow." Please lets don't do this, I just want to play with my babies . . . .

Woman: "I think I had it a lot harder than you did because yours are the same age and mine were at different stages but still both babies, so it was harder than having twins."

Hold the phone. Did she seriously just say that?

Things that I could say and went through my mind:

"Really? How would you know that? And really, why is that important?"

"If you had time to have sex when your daughter was only 4 or 5 months old then clearly you don't know the meaning of 'hard'."

"If you thought it was a good idea to have kids that close together, you get what you get."

"I'm sure your children feel wonderful with the fact that you approach random strangers in public to tell them how hard your life is. Maybe you should just be thankful that you can have two kids."

I have commented on and observed mom wars. I have laughed at funny spoofs of them. But I don't get involved. It's not necessary to me. So this is what I really said:

"I'm sure that was tough. The first 6 months were really brutal for us but now we are really enjoying it and having such a great time."

She walked away. Weirdo. Part of me really wanted to give it to her for trying to argue with me about who has it harder, which I thought was so bizarre and unnecessary. But part of me felt like she must be having a really hard time if she would say those things and I don't want to show my children that arguing with strangers over something so juvenile is appropriate. Being a mom is so weird sometimes.

This boy loves throwing rocks. By the way, Ocean was playing with handcuffs that belong to my cop brother. I know you're relieved to hear that. Between panties in the playroom and handcuffs I'm sure you were frightened a little.

She looks so sweet here. She is my girl, but she's not sweet. She is naughty with a capital N.

10 Things Not To Say To Working or SAHMs

2011-07-07T21:09:00.002-05:00

I stumbled upon these in Redbook and thought they were interesting. I had many thoughts while reading these (my super awesome thoughts are bold).

10 Things Never to Say to a Working Mom (according to mom-101.com):

1. It must be hard missing all those special moments everyday. - While rude, this doesn't bother me. In my mind, all the special moments happen when mommy is around.

2. I suppose it's smart that you're working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day. - This may sound odd, but thatis actually one thing that I put on the positives list on being a working mom. I'm sick like that.

3. I'm surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful. - Who would say that? Successful husbands aren't a bad thing either.

4. It's cute when they call your nanny "Mama." - I wish I could afford a nanny! Take that one as a compliment.

5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day. - Only a serious bitch would say this to someone. If your friends says this to you, she's not your friend. RUDE!!

6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care? -Did you see the Casey Anthony trial? Not all moms should be left alone with their children either.

7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that's just me! -Taking care of someone's children and raising them are different things in my opinion. Mark this in the seriously rude bitch category.

8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else's mom. - Therapy is very necessary for the person who says this

9. You must feel so guilty. - I do feel guilty. It's just the truth.

10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go. -I wish I could blame being a working mom on my shitty housework habits but they've always been there. I don't understand how this is that bad. Anyone with eyes can tell that I "let the housework go."

10 Things Never to Say to A Stay-at-home Mom (according to thelaughingstork.com):

1. When the kids are older, do you think you'll get a real job? -Throwing in the word "real" is super under the table rude, but I have to admit I kind of think that's a legit question out of curiousity.

2. How June Cleaver of you! - How did this make #2? If this really offends someone it's time for the big girl panties.

3. Oh, so you don't work? -I'm guilty of this one too. When I ask someone if they work, I mean are they employed. I'm not saying taking care of kids isn't hard or isn't work in the literal sense, but being an SAHM is not being employed and I think that's what people mean by that.

4. Since you have extra time on your hands, could you whip up a few dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow? - This goes in the rude bitch category. If someone says this to you as a stay at home mom, don't take it girl!

5. All day with your kids? I can't even imagine. - I'm going to defend this one too and think it's the not so tactful way of saying that people think you have a hard job as a stay at home mom.

6. I'm jealous. I wish my husband were rich so I wouldn't have to work either. - I have DEFINITELY told stay at home mom's I'm jealous of them. I've never said the rich part but I have thought it. Not to be rude, but due to simple math. If one person can afford a mortgage, gas, car insurance, utilities, food, health insurance, clothing, doctor's visits, extracurricular activities, clothes, etc all by themselves they make bank. Or they don't have student loans, which is kind of equal to being rich. If they do have student loans and can still afford this, CHA-CHING!!

7. What do you do all day, anyway? - Only a person who has no kids, whether they stay at home or work, would say this. I seriously don't know how a mom could say this to another mom.

8. I'm sure you're not the only one who's ever wasted money on a college degree. -Rude! I don't understand the logic behind this. So, if a woman plans on being a mom ever they shouldn't go to college? Weird. I don't get it.

9. That explains why your son is so clingy! -This is a complete urban legend. My kids are super clingy when I get home every night and they don't stay at home. I think as parents we really want to believe that our choices are what makes our children, but I think a good percentage of how a kid turns out is the kid.

10. Weird. I assumed your house would be super clean. - My response would be the same as #10 above. My house ain't clean now, and it wouldn't be if I were at home all day! Kids are so messy!

My angel baby wearing handcuffs. He looks so adorable and he loved playing with them! I will say a little prayer tonight that this will be the only time I see him in handcuffs, for realz!!

Oh My . . . .

2011-07-05T20:57:00.002-05:00

This is my daughter.

Not only does she look a little crazy, but she is wearing my panties as a scarf.

Please keep in mind that she is abnormally small which is why the panties look so large.

Just kidding, I have a big ass which is really why the panties look so large. They are large.

I'm not going to tell you why there are panties in the guest room/play room (I don't want to make anyone jealous).

I'm definitely not going to tell you if those panties are clean or dirty.

I'm just going to tell you that I am in love with this crazy girl. It might be a little disturbing that when I see my girl smiling her evil grin while wearing panties as a scarf I know in my soul that she is meant to be mine and it makes me love her even more. But it's true.

Back to the Real World

2011-07-04T22:21:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I will be going back to the real world. Hubby and I to work and the munchkins to daycare. It's going to be tough after . . . . . . .

Pool days

a day at the beach

Meeting new friends!

This is Jill and her twinkies from 2 B's in a Pod! It was so awesome to meet them in real life!

Note to self: It is now time for a boob job

Cupcakes

Spraygrounds

Cherry Italian Ice

The monkey's love shaved ice!

A super awesome date with hubby that involved many adventures: rafting, paddle boarding, climbing and zip lining.

Paddle boarding: Not just for celebrities, for hubby and me too.

And most importantly, family time!

Can you guess who was being more cooperative for family photos?

I really wish I lived closer to my family, but it as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And also, it's awesome when your family lives in a cooler place than you do so there are many fun things to do (does anyone say that?)!

After two days with us, two and a half days with great grandma, and five and a half straight days with mommy, daddy, grandma, grampa and aunts and uncles, daycare should be interesting tomorrow . . . .

Let me tell you about my day . . . . .

2011-06-30T09:37:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I got up early, mostly because two stinkin' babies were up early too. I had to pack for our big trip because I am a procrastinator.

Then I went to work and took a lot of kids to a baseball game and it was hotter than hell.

I came home and showered and finished packing.

I snuggled babies.

We had to get some Tylenol at Walgreens.

We had to drop off a daycare payment.

We went to the airport and looked like fools dragging strollers, carseats, babies, luggage and diaper bags frantically through the place.

We fed the babies a sub because that's all they had available where we were in the airport. Ever was not impressed.

We rode in a plane from Kansas City to Chicago. The plane landed after an hour and 20 minutes and the babies were pretty good for the flight. We got held up waiting for a parking spot so we let the babies run in the aisles until a flight attendant told us "no, no!" Ooops. Ocean tried to grab a guys bald head much to the amusement of the man sitting next to me. I am always lucky to be sitting by people who are nice to my babies instead of jerks about having to sit next to kids.

We ran around the Chicago airport. We ate Auntie Ann's pretzels. Ocean pushed the stroller around. We saw some other twins that Ocean and Ever looked at but weren't that interested in because they weren't on the same cuteness level, oops, I mean they are too young to really care. We got on jammies for the next flight.

We boarded after 9:00 and got to sit in a better class of seat so we got to sit together and the babies fell asleep and slept the whole time. Travel at bedtime= GENIUS PLAN. We are not so lucky on the way home.

We got picked up by Grandma and Grampa just after midnight. Wow! It wasn't that bad though for being a REALLY long day.

It's vaca time baby. I need this time off like the desert needs rain.

I have no photos for you because I am not nearly organized enough to upload ahead of time, but don't you worry friends, I will hit you up with TONS of photos from this weekend. Not of me because I will be in a swimsuit on several occasions, just of my lovelies.

THAT Mom

2011-06-26T10:28:00.003-05:00

If you think this is going to be one of those cutesy posts where I name off all the goofy things I do (like singing in public, using ridiculous voices when talking to my kids, slapping strangers for touching them, letting the twins pull all the shoes off the displays at DSW, letting the kids eat off the table at restaurants) and then say "yeah, I'm THAT mom," it's not one of those.

Even though I am that mom, which I never thought I'd be, this actually a post dripping with shame.

Last week I was THAT mom. The one who has sick babies but pawns her kids off on someone else so I could go to work.

I NEVER thought I'd be that mom. I had so much to do last week and I was already buried. I knew if I missed I would get behind and people would complain and it would be a downhill spiral. I also had an event that I had helped plan that ran for two days and I didn't want to look like the slacker a-hole that didn't show up.

So instead of letting my coworkers and customers think I am an a-hole, I found it perfectly acceptable to have my own children think of me as an a-hole. They were with my grandparents and I'm sure they didn't mind because my grandparent's are great people to be with, but when I picked up the kiddies from daycare on Friday (my grandparents dropped them off there) and took them home and I was so exhausted and they were oozing snot I felt so icky inside. Like the crappiest mom ever.

I tried to tell myself that the only reason I could take them to the doctor is because I have a job. The only reason I could go pick up their meds is because I have a job. But it didn't help. I still felt like crap.

I look at them and I truly don't think that they care, but I feel like I should have been in bed with them, wiping their noses and giving them Tylenol and rocking them when they were crying.

Yesterday we spent all day together. Every single minute. I did what any crappy mom would do and made up for my suckiness on the two days last week I worked instead of staying home with them and bought their affection at McDonald's. We ate treats and then climbed to the very top of the play area. We went to the park. We snuggled all day. Hopefully they will forgive me and hopefully next time I will choose to stay home with them instead.

The babies in their new big kid car seats! They love them! They only have them in hubby's car because we dont' go in that car often so they are still rear facing in mine since that's the new standard, but I think we will replace my car seats pretty soon too.

A little blog love . . . .

BentoLunch.net

If you have to make lunches for you kiddos ever, this is the coolest website! Ocean and Ever have to pack a lunch about once a week and I haven't been out to find these sweet boxes yet but I did pick up something kind of like it at Walmart. The babies love eating out of the box, especially when all their little friends are eating off of paper plates.

Knockedupfabulous.wordpress.com

If you are currently preggo and still want to look good (and on a budget) this lady looks so adorable all the time! I would actually wear most of the stuff not pregnant and I am super nosey so I love to see where people shop. If you are reproductively challenged like myself, she is pregnant as a warning, but I will tell you she is not obnoxious in anyway and it is a really fun read. ;) It's my personal goal to start dressing better on a regular basis now that I am dropping some lbs, but as you may remember, I'm not that motivated. I want to learn how to be a good thrift shop buyer too, but again, motivation is an issue.

**These people didn't ask me to do this, I just wanted to because I love finding new blogs and thought you might too**

Chit Chat

2011-06-22T17:20:00.004-05:00

I am bopping around to music in the car . . . .

Husband: "Is this Justin Bieber?" with a disgusted look on his face
Me: "NO! Of course not. It's Jonas Brothers"
Husband: "You are really embarassing."

The monkeys go to a Christian daycare, although they are not Christians. Last week was Bible week.

Me: "Honey, why did the kids color a picture of Jesus in a whale?"
Husband: "It's Jonah and the whale."
Me: "What? I've never heard of that. Like Moby Dick or something?"
Husband: "No, it's from the Bible."
Me: "Really?"
Husband: "That's what the daycare said. I don't know."
Me: "Well, it's cute anyway."

Long term sleep deprivation has made our conversations incredibly boring and short. These two examples are as deep as it gets around here. After this small blips of convo, there is usually nothing but baby talk. Sad!

On the other hand, Ever and I are having great conversations!

Ever was sitting on the steps holding her hands out to me.
Me: "You want me to get you Peanut?"
Ever: "Aww, mama."
Me: "You are so funny Peanut."
Ever: "Yeah."

Me: "Ever, you want some brownie?"
Ever: "Oh yeah."
Me: "Is it good punkin?"
Ever: "Num num num num."

Ocean doesn't say anything yet, but he can follow directions which is pretty sweet. I asked him to put the dog away so we could go bye bye and he ran to the dog kennel and locked up the dog! Ever was crying so I told him to give her a drink so he took the cup to her and put it in her mouth then patted her head. He also takes his own diapers to the trash.

Babies are cool and all, but toddlers are awesome!

**On a side note, I have really been trying to comment on your blogs and there is something wrong! When I go to my blog to click on yours it logs me out of google so I can't comment. Then I try to make and anonymous comment and then it asks me 1,000 times to log in first to google. WTH? If anyone knows how to fix this, please let me know!**

Just What I Needed

2011-06-19T20:42:00.002-05:00

First-I will say happy father's day to my hubs, my Dad, my Papa and my Poppy! I'm a lucky gal and in turn, the babies are lucky babies to have a long line of great daddies around! Love you!

Second- We just took a mini-weekend trip to the lake with Mike's mom. Since the whole daycare thing I have been stressed. Moving the babies through the house in the morning before I have a long workday (summer is my busy time) is hard. Especially when they really don't know what's going on because they have been home for the last 13 months with their lovely grandma. I had NO idea how hard this would be.

Friday was the first day that the babies did not cry when I dropped them off which was a huge relief. They were also happy on Thursday night. They have been sleeping like crap and they have already caught some little yucky virus from the daycare. I have just felt so down about the whole thing, which has also made me disappointed in myself for not being able to be with them all day or to be able to afford this more comfortably so that it's not so financially stressful or for not being the person who does all these things with a smile on her face while looking at all the positives (which there are). Stressed out mama's also equals unhappy daddy's.

The non crying drop off was great. Followed by me getting off early and walking them home form the daycare and playing. Then we went out of town.

My monkey's love water. We had NO plans so they had 100% of our attention, which they also love. Ever hit the water as soon as she saw it. It was so adorable to see them in their swim suits splashing and playing. They were also adorable digging in the sand. We took them on a bridge where they could watch boats drive by and they climbed right up fearlessly. We ate a ton of food. We went for a walk and found a fence with eight Chihuahua's in it, which the babies thought was super awesome. There were two double beds at the cabin so we each got a baby and went to bed. I got in bed with Ever at 8:30!

Today we went swimming in a pool and they ran all over the place inside the friend's house. They ate fresh fish caught from the lake. We drove home and then again had to eat and I laughed as I watched Ocean hitting on the waitress because he loves the ladies (and he's such a handsome devil I know it's going to be trouble someday). Ever is a nosey knob and it was so funny watching her people watch.

I was just so proud after this time we spent. I am going to try harder to take a moment and realize we will all be okay. We just need some time to adjust and we will find our new groove, just like we did in the newborn days when we had to figure out how to all function together (that took 6 months though so lets cross our digits it doesn't take that long this time).

Aaaaahhhh . . . . I needed that. We all did.

Lack of Motivation

2011-06-15T21:24:00.002-05:00

Back in the day when I dreamt of motherhood, I thought I would do it all. Bring home the bacon, make homecooked meals for every meal, keep a tidy home, and look like one hot B because I definitely wouldn't skip a workout. I hadn't skipped a workout from the time I was 14 until I was pregnant so surely it wouldn't be a big deal.

Well . . . . it turns out I can't do it all.

Or maybe I can. I am just lazy. I have been cooking, but the meals aren't all that nutritious and I can assure you the ONLY reason I do it is because I'm broke. The best thing about restaurants is that not only does someone make your food, but they clean it up too. Yeah baby, that's what I like.

I am trying to look like one hot B and it's going not so bad. It is summer and I'm getting a little darker in the tan department (I don't do tanning beds due to the risk of cancer and looking like an Oompa Loompa or a piece of rawhide) and we all know tan fat looks better than white fat. Also after my cleanse I have been eating pretty decently. I just struggled through Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30. Never in my life would I thought I could say something like this, but it doesn't bother me a whole lot. Back in the day I wouldn't have been able to handle this, but to be honest, I've got much bigger fish to fry than the dangler.

Cleaning. Don't know the meaning of it. I'm just not into it. I know that means nothing, but I just can't make myself. Let's think of the cleaning I should be doing right this second:

1. Bathroom and babies bath
2. Dishes
3. Kitchen
4. Mopping
5. I can't see the floor in the office anymore
6. I have been dying to do the babies new playroom since Grandma left, but it's still as it was
7. If anyone saw my personal bathroom the babies would probably get taken by social services

Yep. F- in the cleaning department.

So basically I just bring home the bacon and play with babies. The rest I do if I feel like it.

MIA

2011-06-13T22:47:00.002-05:00

Sorry friends, I've been MIA for awhile. First I was experiencing trauma from the daycare/working situation which was exhausting me. Last Thursday I cried myself to sleep at 7:30 p.m. I know that isn't really helpful to the situation but it felt like all I could do.

Then my internet got turned off. Not because I'm an a-hole, but because I can't pay it online like everything else I have to call it in and I forgot. For three months. Whoops. But the cool thing is that they didn't charge me late fees and signed me up for a cheaper program since we were chatting anyway! Isn't that nice? Go AT&T.

My Oshy boo got an ear infection too. Yep. Some of that crying was not emotional trauma, but pain. That made me feel like crap too, but it did afford Osh and I a nice afternoon of eating an Icee together and getting just mommy and son snuggles. We can only have one more ear infection before tubes so I am hoping we don't have to do that, but I know it's not a big deal if it must be done. I'm still not gonna like it.

Ever is now the queen of daycare. She is ridiculous. I love that girl and she will surely give hubby and I a run for our money. She is saying lots of words and it is hilarious!

I lost 7 lbs so that is cool, but I'm pretty hungry and would LOVE a diet coke, but I shall not have it, no I shall not!

What does one do when they have no internet? It's unimaginable. I spent the whole weekend watching True Blood Season 3. I LOVE that show big time. I had a parent fail moment when my kids starting dancing to the theme song. Most kids go to school singing sweet songs, like ABC's or Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and mine will be singing the dirty sex song from True Blood. Bad mommy.

This weekend was very low key. We haven't had a weekend like that in a long time. We just hung out. Bought groceries. Watched True Blood. Cooked food. That's it. It was nice.

My sweet boy looking sweet. I love this snugglebug.

Ever roaring. She's crazy.

Today was a much better day on the daycare front. Much better. I expect to be wiped out by Wednesday, but at least we started the week better. As soon as I grabbed my keys at daycare Ocean wrapped his arms around me and started crying. I hate it! Ever, Queen of Daycare, was just fine.

That's it! Nothing exciting to report!

D-Day

2011-06-06T21:30:00.002-05:00

Today was the first day of daycare.

Last Friday we went in for a preview. I wanted to spend an hour with them so that they knew that Mommy likes daycare and it's an okay place to be.

Well . . . . we went outside with the class first and some yucky little kid was all over the babies and they didn't like it. Especially Ever. And you just don't mess with Peanut. By the time the babies warmed up to the idea it was time to go in so they were not really cool with that. We got inside and the yucky little kid was all over us again. The babies did NOT like another baby trying to get in my lap. Miss J informed me that she was going to be gone for 10 days then back for a few then gone again. Although I realize people have a life, I was a little disheartened to find out they wouldn't really actually have their teacher on a consistent basis until the end of this month. Between the little yucky kid, the teacher being gone and the twins looking obviously apprehensive about the whole thing I had a crappy feeling all weekend.

This morning we got up and actually got ready and out the door with very little drama. It was good and I needed that. We got to daycare and they got out of the car and walked up to the door. We went in and they looked around. Ocean was interested in the PBS program on TV, but Ever knew what was happening and she was not happy. Miss J came up to her and said good morning and she immediately cried and Ocean clung to me.

Shit.

My blood pressure started to rise and the little yucky kid came up poking at the kids so my heart just sank and I figured this was a terrible choice. All the littles went into their classroom and we followed. Surprisingly, they went up and starting playing with things. I almost laughed when Ever got sight of the little mean baby and she gave him a dirty look and backed up. That girl is a genius I tell you! She did not forget him, even after the weekend was over. I felt TERRIBLE that I was leaving my child with another child that she clearly disliked and with a teacher who was going to be MIA for a few weeks.

The babies got into a few things and Miss J gave us the good news that little mean baby was moving to a new class everyday just 20 minutes after the twinks arrive so they don't have to be around him too much. I went out to the car to grab their little animals that have blankies inside them for nap that Grandma and Grampa Grampa gave to them before my mom went back home. They were playing well so I gave them kisses and backed out. Ocean came charging towards the door crying.

I went to car and headed to work. I cried multiple times and called my mom.

Like an annoying parent I called the daycare to go check on them. The director said they were doing well. Hubby called and said they had a great day. They took a nap for two hours. They ate all their food. They used crayons for the first time. They were not traumatized when Hubby picked them up.

Whew. I am so relieved. I think this will be okay.

And it will begin all over again tomorrow . . . . . . . .

Mom Saturdays

2011-06-05T13:12:00.002-05:00

7:15 a.m.: I wake up and get ready to go drop off the edited disc of the pictures I took for a family last weekend. They love them! We talk about another session in the fall and I deposit their check at the bank.

8:50 a.m.: Hubby and two babies are running around the house. We do NOTHING much for the rest of the day and it feels great. I get all domestic and bake some blueberry muffins.

We eat ravioli, we take naps, we watch movies, we talk about grocery shopping, etc. until after 3:00 p.m.

Streakers in the front yard!

3:30 p.m.: We head to the pool. Now that we are poor, this will be a staple because I get a pool pass through work and the babies are free! Ocean is not so sure about the cold water but Ever dives right in, literally! She thinks she knows how to swim. We play in the water and do three laps in the lazy river together. The babies have a snack and enjoy climbing on the the pool chairs.

These pictures are taken on a waterproof Polaroid digital, which is a lifesaver because Ashley+digital cameras+water=BAD NEWS!

5:15 p.m.: We get home and the babies are tired and whiny so we give them lots of food. They whine and whine and whine so we decide they need to go for a walk.

6:30 p.m.: We are walking around the lake behind our house and a family with a teeny tiny dog walks up to us so the babies can see the dog. Ever LOVES doggy's. LOVES them. A lot. The dog is a tiny Chihuahua puppy and the girl was in heaven. Ocean wasn't as thrilled because there were strangers near him but Ever was all over it. They walk off and Ever screams. She screams for a long time because she continues to see them. She screams until they are out of view. I contemplate getting her a puppy even though I am not a huge animal fan and we already have one dog, but then common sense kicks back in over the fact that my little Peanut just got her heart broken. We play at the playground until Ocean takes a huge, smelly poo so we need to go home.

7:45 p.m.: Night night bottles early because the babies are out of control. I they get into really good moods with their bottles so I don't put them to sleep for awhile because they are so cute and snuggly and a mama just can't pass up some cute snuggly time!

8:45 p.m.: Babies are in bed so I do some cleaning. Hubby got his acceptance letter into the college he wants to go to so I do a bunch of chores so he can read through everything and enjoy his moment. He goes to buy diapers (4 boxes) and I mess around on the internet. We try to watch a movie but we're both tired, so we go to bed instead at 10:00 p.m.

Two Dirty B Words

2011-06-01T17:24:00.001-05:00

Dirty B Word Number One: BUDGET

Icky icky ick. As of my pay day this Friday, I am on the tightest tight budget there is. My biweekly budget has come down to dollars. We are one of those families that barely has enough to afford daycare but definitely doesn't make enough to have either one of us not in the workplace.

I forgot how stressful money problems are. The last time I truly worried about money was when I had to pay for IVF, 100% out of pocket. I wasn't as worried about the first one, thanks to savings, but I was super worried about trying to do more than one and losing everything for nothing.

Once the ball starts rolling into the yucky budget land then I start thinking about the future budget and how in the world will we be able to save up the money we want to save to get into a bigger house (which is much needed, we live in a very tiny old house) in a better school district?

Then I try to reason with myself. The good thing about daycare bills are that they don't last forever. Once they hit 3 it will go down slightly and once they hit five and go to Kindergarten it will go down a touch more and once they are in first grade we will be golden.

The other good thing about the daycare bill that I tell myself to feel better is that we have a daycare bill. We have it because we are so lucky to have these two most gorgeous monkey's.

Those are my babies loving on each other. Have you ever seen anything so adorable?

No, you haven't. Trust me.

The third thing I remind myself of is that things always seem to work out one way or another, so perhaps this won't all be as difficult as I think it will be.

Dirty B Word Number Two: BIG ASS

Yep, my ass is huge these days. I never weigh myself for ignorance is bliss in the weight department. Summer is upon us and clothing is getting skimpier and I don't have as many layering tools as I had all of Fall/Winter/Spring. So I have caught a glimpse of my big ass in pictures without my layers and it's not good. For some reason when I look at myself in the mirror in the morning I never look half as bad as I do once I see evidence of it later in pictures. Perhaps I have some sort of disorder, but I am never truly as shocked in the morning as I am when I see pictures.

You will see with the following two pictures how I always try to cleverly hide my big ass with the way that I hold a baby. Baby covers belly and a touch of thighs, which are the worst two parts, and the best part, my arms, isn't so bad because I am using muscles to hold said baby.

I went to the doctor and they forced me on the scale. The result was a shock.

AN OVER NINE POUND WEIGHT GAIN!

While pregnant with Ocean and Ever I gained 36 pounds in a full term (37 weeks and one day to be exact) pregnancy. I lost more than that within a month of giving birth. I gained a quarter of that by sitting at my desk eating shit. Junk. In the same time that I gained a quarter of that before I was supporting two lives in my body. Now I'm just rolling through McDonald's picking up a cheeseburger, fries and a coffee on a regular basis or eating a whole box of 100 calorie packs of who-knows-what just because I am bored. Let's don't mention my new found addiction to chemical laden Diet Coke.

Yesterday I began I cleanse because I knew I needed to lose the chemicals and sugar out of my system or I would continually crave them. I decided I would like to lose 18.8 pounds to feel really good.

For the cleanse I take herbs and supplements, drink TONS of water, and eat only raw fruits, veggies and nuts and one piece of cooked up meat in the evening.

This morning I weighed myself and . . . . drum roll please . . . . . . I am 3.5 pounds lighter! Woo hoo! I thought I would probably die of the horrendous headache I had last night from caffeine and sugar withdrawal but I luckily have survived and have a few less lbs to show for it. 3.5 pounds in 24 hours isn't bad.

My tight budget will also assist in my "reduce the big ass campaign" because I will not be able to afford just driving through places willy nilly and will be eating grocery store food and leftovers of homemade food and that will help so much.

Silver linings, my friends, silver linings. Dirty B Word Number One isn't going anywhere unfortunately (I haven't checked my lottery ticket yet so maybe I'm wrong) but luckily it will play a positive roll in kissing Dirty B Word Number Two goodbye!

Mom Weekend

2011-05-30T22:11:00.002-05:00

Saturday

1:00 a.m. - 3:00 a.m.: Ocean is awake and crying and tossing so we sleep on the couch together. Poor baby. Is it a cold, teething or allergies? Who knows?

7:10 a.m.: The twinks cousin spent the night and he is up. Ocean and I get him and the boys eat breakfast. Ever gets up about 20 minutes later with hubby.

10:30 a.m.: We have played around and gotten dressed and now my nephew gets picked up. Three babies under two wasn't that bad, but my nephew is super laid back.

11:00 a.m.: I am really exhausted. The twinks and I decide to take a nap together.

1:00 p.m.: We head out so that hubby can work on the roof which was damaged by hail. We go to the grocery store to get blueberries and soy milk and our tickets to Jiggle Jam, the hottest baby concert around. I feel super cool about it. Not.

1:30-Bedtime: We play and hang out. It is really laid back. We are all at my Grandma's so hubby can bang on the roof to his heart's content. The babies spend the night with my grandparents.

9:00 p.m.: I arrive at the house and hubby wants ice cream. We go get it and then go home and watch Harry Potter like the two super cool people that we are.

7:15 a.m.: I get up and get ready for the day. I get to my grandparent's house and found out that Peanut was up a lot and has a runny nose. Poor Peanut.

8:45 a.m.: We go to Jiggle Jam, the babies first concert! We see Funky Mama and Mr. Stinky Feet. Ever claps to the music. The big hit was the bubble tent. We also ran in the fountains downtown and the babies ate their first snow cone! They loved it. We participated in a family drum circle. Ocean liked it, but Ever wasn't on board 100% with the whole bongo playing thing.

1:30 p.m.: We get back to my grandparents and my allergies are ridiculous so I have to take a shower due to hives. The babies also took a shower with me. Ocean was cool with it, but Ever hated it.

5:30 p.m.: I did a photo session with this adorable cutie and once again got covered in hives and had to take another shower and a ton of benadryl.

8:30 p.m.: We go back home to our house and get bathies and put babies to bed. Ocean is crying a lot so I go up to check on him and he has his foot stuck in the crib. I figure he could use snuggles after that trauma so I put him in bed with me for awhile and then he goes back to sleep. They both sleep all night. Yay.

I'm tired. Back to work tomorrow!

Sarcasm is Genetic

2011-05-27T20:56:00.002-05:00

My sweet little sweetnesses are naughty.

I'm sure you are completely shocked based on the picture perfect, non-sarcastic behavior I portray here that my ONE year olds are sarcastic. ONE. 13 months technically.

That was really fast. Hubby said he is sure they don't have one bit of his DNA in them. My DNA overcame them completely.

This is what happens:

1. Babies choose to do something naughty.

2. I say "no no no" in my serious voice and shake my pointer finger at them.

3. A look of joy comes across their face and they laugh. Giggle giggle, while they should be sad because they are doing a no no.

4. Next comes sarcasm. Ever will either shake her head and say "no no" while laughing or Ocean will look at me while smiling and say "na na na" while shaking his hand back at me.

Please take a moment to envision this in about 10 years. Yep. It doesn't bode well.

Do you know what else doesn't look good?

My mom is leaving which means that I have to do stuff. Like cook.

I hate cooking. It is boring. And what is worse is that cooking then leads to cleaning because you have to wash dishes and tables and put everything away and then there is planning and grocery buying and the whole thing sucks. I've looked into E-Mealz and they look all casserole-ish and I like my food separated and unmixed so I'm not sure if that is for me.

I am also going to be extremely poor thanks to daycare so I am saying good-bye to cable. I don't watch a ton of TV currently but the only shows I do watch are on Bravo which also doesn't have online viewing like some of the stations do. There will definitely be a period of withdrawal, but I will make it. Luckily it is summer so most of my evenings will be spent outside watching the babies splash in the water table or dig in the sand or play in their house or swing on the swings. Maybe my big booty could actually start working out again because I won't have shows to watch. Things are a-changin' around here again!

Longest Day EVER

2011-05-25T21:33:00.002-05:00

Unless you are living under a rock, you know that there has been a terrible tragedy in Joplin, MO with a massive, horrible tornado.

I live in the same vicinity, but far enough away. Not far enough away though to be out of the same danger zone.

I am sitting here after Ibuprofen and two much needed alcoholic beverages.

Why, you might ask?

If you didn't know, I work with children. LOTS of children at one time. Today we celebrated the first day off of school with a fun field trip.

Mother Nature decided today was no day for a celebration. We had tornadoes. Tornadoes anytime are no bueno, but tornadoes after the Joplin devastation are even worse.

Tornado sirens are the worst sound ever. They totally sound like those alien ships in War of the Worlds and give me the creeps. I am not native to the Midwest and they creep me out everytime. But when you are caring for scared children, you never let on that you are creeped out to the max. Unfortunately, I have a few young employees who were as equally scared as the children.

I blew my whistle and herded children to the back. When the sirens kept going we then herded them all into the bathrooms. They did not all fit into one bathroom so we were in two bathrooms and a storage area in the back of the place. I went to the front of the place to see what the beep was going on. Once it was confirmed that Mother Nature was being a huge bitch I tried to call my mom because even though I was caring for other children I didn't forget my own. Phone calls to all people, my mom, my boss, my other family were not going through due to the weather and high volume of calls being made. I was panicked but decided to check on the kids in the restrooms.

I walked in and saw bunches of big eyes staring at me.

"Hi friends," I say.

"Are we going to die today Miss Ashley?"

"No," I tell them, "no one is going to die today. We are all safe."

"Is my mom safe?"

"Yes, your mom is safe. Everyone is safe." I don't really know if that's true but I figure since it is probably true it would be the best idea to go ahead and say it. There are a few tears and more stares.

"Okay. What time are we having lunch?" Yes, once the children knew they weren't going to die, the next order of business was food. Sheesh!

I heard from my mom finally and the babies were sound asleep. They had been hiding out in the bathroom. Relief! There was a lot of confusion about when to leave, but I made the executive decision to get on the bus and get back to school. Halfway there dark skies and rain pelting the bus. The little eyes grew bigger again.

"It's just rain friends! Almost lunch time!" Holy hell, is this over yet?

We got back and I emailed parents to let them know we were all safe and everyone was happily eating lunch. My staff was tired and headed home. I stayed with anothe staff and the kids decided to celebrate the fact that we made it safely back by acting like INSANE HEATHENS!!!! It was horrible. I just wanted to run for the hills.

I got home, played with babies, ate dinner, watched a hilarious episode of Cougar Town and drank two drinks. I am now taking a shower and going to bed and waking up to an uneventful sunny day. Do you hear that Mother Nature? AN UNEVENTFUL SUNNY DAY!

Forecast: sun, no tornado, and a chance of very well behaved children. Cross your fingers! My sanity and liver need a break!

Mommy Fail Number Infinity

2011-05-22T22:52:00.002-05:00

I am a laid back parent. Very laid back. Our pedi's office told me I'm not the usual first time mom. Technically, I am a first time mom but I have had five foster kids plus have worked with kids for awhile so I know that they can eat poop and boogers and still live so really, I don't freak out too often. Here are the horrifying things I've done:

1. Let them eat junk food on occasion
2. Let them crawl around on public floors, one time even a bar and grill floor
3. Let them kiss dogs on the mouth
4. Let them play in/eat dirt
5. Let them jump on the couch
6. Today I found Ocean splashing in an unflushed toilet. I flushed it, doused him with antibacterial wash and then continued doing my hair
7. I let strangers hold them if they don't look too dirty or like child molesters
8. I'm not going to admit anything else

There are a few things, though, that I'm a kook about.

1. When they get booboos. I HATE it. I freak out, completely unreasonably, every time they bump, fall or get any little amount of discomfort. FREAK OUT.

2. Night time. I sometimes wake up and just go look at them. I don't know what drives me to do this, but I do it. I sometimes sleep in their cribs with them. I make extra sure that all the doors are locked at night. I do not allow crib bumpers (although I do allow blankets, pillows, lovies so that is kind of stupid). I worry about the temperature in the room, fire, robbers, finger eating ferrets, spiders, ghosts, all kinds of things. And then last night . . . .

I SLEPT THROUGH A TORNADO SIREN!!!

Please take a moment to digest that and read it again . . .

I SLEPT THROUGH A TORNADO SIREN!!!

What the french toast? For the first time that there was actual real, not imaginary danger I slept like a baby! Hubby did too. I woke up because there was really loud banging outside the house but then I thought, oh well, and went back to sleep.

My children are not safe. The ONE TIME I should have got up and carted us all into the stairwell just to be safe, I decided to get some shut eye instead. Thankfully, we are all okay and there wasn't a tornado exactly where we live, just close. I'm wondering if I should even sleep tonight because I let my guard down and totally sucked. Seriously . . . .

Emotional and the C-Section Fix Decision

2011-05-18T21:29:00.002-05:00

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

After the twins came along, my social life got much better. I didn't feel so awful and my friends and I could all talk babies and we were all parents regardless of how we got there.

I have lots of pregnant or trying to be friends and family right now. It was all happy go lucky for awhile but it's starting to wear on me a bit. Just because I am a happy mama of two does not mean that I want to hear about these things. I thought someday it would be no big deal, but I don't want to talk about it. I just don't.

I think it's because my mind can't help but go to that place. The bitter one. Where I think for a moment "oh, must be nice to get pregnant for free." Then the ball starts rolling and I think that sure, I would be having all kinds of babies because we'd be in a way bigger house because we wouldn't have had to drain our savings just to do something nearly everyone does for free. And the ball rolls and rolls . . .

But luckily it's only briefly because I can quickly remember how thankful I am for two healthy, gorgeous babies. More often than not I think about the money and the pain and think it was such a small price to pay for such an amazing thing and it goes back to being a means to an end and something of the past.

Today I was asked if I thought we would be foster parents again. I said that I would like to but hubby is leaning towards a biological baby and I'm not on board so until we agree we will be enjoying the monkeys and that is that. This was followed by something along the lines of "you don't want another baby? You were satisfied with just one pregnancy? Babies are amazing!"

To be honest, yes, I am perfectly satisfied with just having had one pregnancy. Also the twins are only ONE so the times when I was awake at night feeling like a helpless loser and wondering if I could just run away, maybe just to a hotel, things would be okay. This made me tear up because I feel guilty about it, although it is what it is and it was fleeting, only a matter of months. I also felt raw because I often wonder what is wrong with me that I have a willing hubby and the opportunity to maybe have another baby but I don't want to?

The next thing was questions about IVF and all that comes with it. I have told it over and over again because I want people to know that it's a really tough thing but something that I was okay to do because the end result were the two most beautiful things ever to land on this planet. I yakked and yakked and got to the part about how my butt and stomach were covered in bruises and I had to turn my chair around. I hid in the corner and I cried. I was so shocked because it is usually yesterday's news and just a fact of life. Deciding to do IVF was the best decision I ever made. Why on earth was this making me cry?

I think all the pregnancy and baby and baby making talk is starting to wear me down. I just want to be a regular old mom and pretend that part isn't necessary. I don't want to compare. And just because I am now a mom and everyone thinks I am normal (normal for me anyway) I don't know how to say "PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT!" Can't we talk about poop or food or developmental stages instead? Anything? So instead I listen and try to be supportive and remember that I got more than everything I ever asked for, but I feel my tolerance starting to slip.

Either that or my period is due in 3 days so I'm just having mood swings, but that intellectual shit sounds better, right?

On the c-section front: I have not made any plans for a surgery. I spoke to my chiropractor about it and he told me that there is acupuncture and massage methods that can help with scar tissue so I will be trying that instead. Cross your fingers!

Now prepare yourself for the goofiness that is my son and the absolute beauty that is my daughter! Hubby scored major points when he saw this picture of her and said that he wants it for his desk at work because she looks so much like her mama!

The Big D

2011-05-16T22:03:00.003-05:00

DAYCARE.

It is upon us. My mom, the motherhood guru and grandma extraordinaire, is leaving. Out of the midwest and back down to the South.

Each morning I will be getting up AND getting the babies ready to go and then to work on time. Ha ha ha. Yeah right. I have had the luxury of my mom watching them right in the comfort of my home and I leave them crying in their jammies each morning while looking decent and making it to work on time.

Now . . . we will all need to be ready and to daycare by 8:00 a.m. Ocean sometimes sleeps until 8:30. Ever does not appreciate being rushed. I am nervous.

I try to remember why working is great:

1. We have healthcare
2. We can pay bills
3. I have fun working (most of the time)
4. I can laugh at the commercials on TV that say "this is the one shopping trip you don't have to hide from your husband" because I make money so I don't have to hide squat
5. When the babies see me at the end of the day they throw, literally throw, whatever is in their hands down and make a beeline towards me and shower me with love and it is so special

So we are going to make this work.

I have a plan, although plans are things I rarely stick to. I will get up by 6:45 a.m. This will be hard, but I am going to try it. The night before I will get out the kids clothes. We will wake up and sing our morning songs while getting ready for school. I will be 100% ready before the babies wake up so I can focus on them. No one will cry. I will make their pancakes and cut up banana and sippy of soy milk to take to eat with us once we get there. We will all be happy and then off to daycare we go.

Once I get there they will sit down like good children and eat their food. I will give them kisses and there will still be no crying so I can leave my happy children guilt free with Miss J, the bestest one year old teacher ever. Really, I'm not kidding, we love Miss J from when we had foster nuggets. I want to steal her for my center someday. Second to me and my expertise in childcare, if they have to start out at any place with anyone, Miss J is the winner.

So . . . what do you think the odds are of this plan happening?

Mom Saturdays- Kidless Edition

2011-05-15T22:30:00.003-05:00

1:00 a.m.: Ever screaming

1:30 a.m.: Ever screaming some more

2:00 a.m.: Ocean joining in on the fun

2:30 a.m: Screaming party, raise the roof!

4:00 a.m.: Quiet and sleep, finally!

7:15 a.m.: My alarm goes off and I ignore it.

7:55 a.m.: I still have not gotten up and my mom should be here by 8:30 for our road trip. I rush.

8:30 a.m.: By some miracle, I am fully ready, showered, blow dry, teeth brushed, packed up, make up, and dressed plus snuggle and dancing time with monkeys.

9:00 a.m.: My mom and I hit the road to St. Louis and on fun girls trip before she peaces out and heads back south.

11:15 a.m.: We stop for coffee and french fries and I peep this place.

If you were ever wondering if there was a place in the world that you could purchase fashion jewelry, mocassins and fireworks in the same place, you are in luck! You can in fact do that in Missouri.

11:30 a.m.: An old lady see's my chuckie because the bathroom door does not lock and apparently knocking first is too much to ask! I ALWAYS squat so the goods were available for viewing. No bueno.

1:15 p.m.: We get to St. Louis but cannot find the hotel so we head straight to the mall. We start at Macy's which was amazeballs! Three gigantic stories of Macy's. We shop for a long time. I saw this chair for the second time at Restoration Hardware.

I am in mad love with this chair. It is stunning. I can see myself sitting in the chair with my babies. We can all wear white and look like something out of a Ralph Lauren ad. While we are fantasizing we can go ahead and imagine me 30 pounds lighter, okay?

4:45 p.m.: We arrive at the hotel and freshen up for dinner. We go to Brio and eat a delicious Italian meal. I had a salad, steak bruschetta and a vodka lemonade with raspberries. Mmmm.

6:00 p.m.: We both have a major WTF moment when we see this sign.

This is not a joke, it's a real advertisement. Yucko's Terd Herding. What in the . . . . .

7:00 p.m.: We head to the hot tub with our margarita cups to relax. There are some very cute kiddos there that make me miss the twinkles but I am still having a lovely time with my mommy.

Who knew my favorite water bottle is also an excellent margarita holder?

8:45 p.m.: We are now tucked into our big fluffy hotel beds and watching a movie. It was "The Book of Eli" which was violent and gross and also totally obvious. Don't watch it.

11:15 p.m.: I turn off the tube. I wonder if my babies are tucked in well and if they miss me like I miss them. I hope Ever wants to do girls trips with me someday.

Things That Don't Bother Me

2011-05-11T21:33:00.000-05:00

1. Twin comments. Even the "are they real?" comments have started to just make me laugh. I know twin moms sometimes get offended when someone says "oh, you have your hands full" or "better you than me" like having twins is some terrible thing. I don't care. I do have my hands full. It is overwhelming sometimes. I have mommy guilt. But I'm also thankful and happy so those comments make no difference to me. I just smile and say "yes, my hands are very full."

2. Germs. I only wash my hands after I potty. I don't sanitize the shopping cart. I don't care when Ocean eats dirt. Is that wrong?

3. Little kids whacking each other. When we were at the play area at the mall a little boy kept coming up to hug Ever. He couldn't have been much older than her, just bigger, like most kiddos her age are. His parents watched this adoringly. Then he came up and gave Ever a good whack on the head. She cried and the mom came running over. The mother was truly horrified. She came up and aplogized to me profusely. I told her it was really no big deal, it happens and to not worry about it. Honestly, I work with kids. They hit each other, bite each other, poke each other, the list could go on and on. If he had actually hurt Ever or was trying to hurt her with malice I would have been pissed but he just whacked her because he is little and he doesn't know what to do. Teach him about safe hands and nice touches and move on. Not a big deal in this house.

4. Clutter. I'm not a hoarder or anything, but piles of laundry or crafting supplies or mail laying around here or there just doesn't bother me. Hubby gets crazy, he wants everything neat and organized. I don't care. I'd rather do other stuff.

5. My diet and excercise schedule. I used to only eat Slim Fast products. I used to work out every day and never go more than 3 days without working out. During trying to make the babies I tried all kinds of special diets. Now? I do what I have time for. I know I should worry about this more, but I don't. I am permanently deformed because of twin skin so there is really only so much I can do anyway. I must accept this and go with the flow.

6. The fact that I cry in Hobby Lobby. The first time it happened it was alarming, like "wtf? Did I really just cry in Hobby Lobby because I just bought Christmas decorations for my first holiday with the babies?" Umm, yeah, I was scared. But then yesterday when I cried at Hobby Lobby when Ocean did a big sigh and then leaned in for a kiss because he just happened to need a kiss from his mommy in the scrapbooking aisle made a little happy tear pop out. This time, I was cool with it. Apparently this is going to happen every now and then. Whatevs.

Mother's Day Adventure

2011-05-09T19:49:00.002-05:00

This Mother's Day was the BEST! Last Mother's Day I was too exhausted to enjoy it. I was so thankful then, but there was nothing in the universe I wanted more than sleeping babies and a lot of sleep myself. It was nothing like the Mother's Day before that one where I was wishing to be transported to another place or time where I wasn't an infertile person on Mother's Day, but it still wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

Mother's Day 2011 was the dope show.

The babies, with their most excellent shopping skills and their love of being blinded by the constant flashing of my camera, got their mommy a professional flash! Those babies know just what a mama wants (thanks hubby).

My boy woke up and hubby took him downstairs and left me and my girl (who was in our bed at 6 a.m.) upstairs sleeping and we slept until 8:30! Wowza, I thought it would be years before that would happen so I received another super awesome gift: SLEEP.

We all got dressed and arrived fashionably late for a breakfast with my mother in law. Hubby poured me a mimosa. Not a classy mimosa in a champagne glass, of course, but a mimosa poured into a large plastic cup. I had two and was feeling good.

Mother nature then gave me another gift: a warm and sunny day. After breakfast we ditched hubby and went to a quaint little town for antiquing and drinking.

We walked through the adorable town and looked at all the old treasures.

We ate lunch at a little town cafe. I had a turkey sandwich with raspberry mayonaise and it was tasty.

This picture scares me, because my baby looks like a little boy.

There is a liquor distillery in the town and we visited their shop. You can try the liquor for .25. Yep, a quarter. If you have never had a taste of double chocolate vodka, you should do that today.

We ended our day at the winery with a wine tasting. Ocean and Ever were DONE so I sat with them in a chair while my mom came and fed me the wine they were tasting.

We headed back home to have a steak dinner and relax. Mimosas, wine and liquor lead to a very sleepy mommy. The babies went to bed after their bedtime and we all slept hard.

Realizations

2011-05-06T12:11:00.002-05:00

-After watching Big Love and Sister Wives I realized we really could use another wife. I know technically the thought of "sharing" a woman with your husband isn't appealing, but the thought of someone who could watch the kids, cook, clean and take care of some other thing, ahem, sounds awesome! But then I realized that it sounds like I would like a maid, or a live in nanny or possibly a slave so a second wife will not be in the works. Not to mention that DH said any man who would want more than one wife is CRAZY!

- I realized I am a total sappy sucker. Things that used to make my eyes roll into my head with the sappiness are things that happen all the time now. Last night I got teary eyed watching my son eat noodles. I know, right? Makes no sense! But we were at Pei Wei eating chinese because all of the mexican places were out of control for Cinco de Mayo and I ordered chicken lo mein for the monkeys. He would grab, with his most adorable hands, a noodle and put the end in his mouth and then suck the whole thing up with his mouth in the cutest pouty position. Adorable!

- If you are a long time follower you know that I don't believe that things are "meant to be." In fact I am not fond of that at all, but the older I get I see more that things eventually fall into place, which is kind of like the whole "meant to be" business that so many people talk about it. I can't ever believe that everything is meant to be, because there are bad things that happen or even just annoying things that happen that couldn't possibly be necessary. But I do think that things can fall into place and work out when you least expect it and it is the best feeling.

- I have been worrying my heiney off about the whole daycare thing. The babies must be walking to attend per their licensing requirements. We LOVE this daycare, two of our foster children went and they loved it. It is incredible peace of mind to know that your kids will be somewhere that they will have a good experience before you even drop them off. The daycare called to check in on us and I told them the bad news that they are not walking well. She asked me lots of questions and said they would go ahead and take them because they are so close!!! Yay! I am so very relieved. But then the realization hit that they will be there all the time. My mom is leaving. I really like having my mom around and I know the babies do too. I know there are many exciting things to come for us, but it is weird to think how different things will be in a few short weeks!

- I just realized that the monks are growing up way too fast. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be past the newborn stages (those are not for me) but it's crazy how the little things are changing.

Fair warning, I will not have time for Mom Saturdays this weekend. It has become my favorite thing to do!

Life Lessons from Ocean and Ever

2011-05-05T13:56:00.002-05:00

Neighborhood watch is best done in your birthday suit!

These are the cutest little booties I've ever seen! You can't see them just in case you're a pervert, although I'm sure you're probably not. They love to hang out naked and the love their bathtime right before nakey time. Ever has started swimming in the bath tub. She gets on her tummy and kicks her legs and moves her arms around and even will sometimes dip her face in the water! Thank goodness these two love water because I absolutely love water and Ocean's name would be kind of dumb if he was afraid of water.

I can't believe this weekend will mark my second Mother's Day. I almost don't count last Mother's Day because I was in a state of such sheer exhaustion that I have no idea what happened. I truly can't remember it.

For this Mother's Day we are going to PARTY! I'm starting out the morning with mimosa's, followed by an afternoon wine tasting in a town that also has an underground bar that is open ALL day. It should be fabulous!

Maybe You're Pregnant

2011-05-03T21:04:00.002-05:00

I'm not, before you get any crazy ideas about this post beforehand.

I hate this phrase. Not because I want to be pregnant and it bothers me in that way, but because I just really hate it.

I have PCOS which gives me major hormone swings all the time. My PMS symptoms are exactly like pregnancy symptoms. If people around me notice I'm starving all the time and tired then here it comes . . . "maybe you're pregnant."

Ha, ha, ha.

Let's all make fun of the infertile person.

I know we all know that person you had irregular cycles and then got pregnant when they didn't try. The person who took a vacation or a break or adopted and then pregnant.

I am not one of those people. My eggs, not one, fertilized if they did not use ICSI (outside of egg is removed and sperm is placed directly into the egg). My eggs do not fertilize on their own. There is no vacation on the planet that will change the anatomy of my sperm hating eggs. If there was a vacation like that, trust me, I would have gone there because that would have to better than needles in my butt and my eggs being manually removed via an outpatient surgery.

I went to the surgeon to discuss what to do about this c-section issue and we spoke about a third child and our little embie frozen somewhere. I actually am not sure where because I have such panic everytime I receive the bill for the storage of the embryo that I can't remember where it was shipped to.

The surgeon asked about my cycles. I joked about how they are perfectly on time which is just nice now that I don't care about that. She told me that pregnancy can reset the body and I could be fertile now. I told her about my sperm haters and she said . . .

"Oh, probably not then."

Thanks. Would you like to slap me while you're at it?

Aside from hearing about how I could randomly become pregnant even from a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL, we got down to the nitty gritty. She wants to do a sonogram to see how things are looking that she could provide to my specialist. I went to check out and the icky feeling set in again.

I did not schedule it.

I know for sure that I am absolutely not ready to deal with any fertility business. I don't want to see the state of my insides. I don't want to hear any statistics. And most of all, I do not want to think about a third baby.

I feel weird, like all women would have a 100 children if it weren't for fertility or money or jobs or daycare or whateva. But I don't want that. I also begged the universe back in the day for just one healthy baby. Please please please. I won't ask for anything more. I don't need lots of money or my dream house. I don't need to travel the world. I don't need that nose job that I have been wanting since the 2nd grade. All I needed was ONE healthy baby.

The universe gave me two. Bam. Done. I should not ask for more. These babies are not just healthy, but super awesome, funny, smart and amazing.

So, I'm not pregnant and there are no immediate plans of going there. Now just because I don't want to be doesn't mean that the universe will have a little chuckle at some reverse psychology and then I will just get pregnant like a normal person. I have a medical issue. The next time you see me binge eating a box of oreos dipped in peanut butter while looking like I could use a serious nap, for the love of Jesus, do NOT ask me if I'm pregnant. Thank you. Besides, I already broke the mold with Ocean and Ever and I'm not sure the world could handle more of this awesomeness.

Mom Saturdays

2011-04-30T20:49:00.002-05:00

7:00 a.m. My alarm goes off for my 10K. I put babies in my bed for snuggles after I realized they slept all night. This hasn't happened in a week! I am obviously running late.

8:00 a.m.-9:06 a.m. I finish the 10K! The weather is lovely and I am quite pleased with my 1 hr 6 minute time.

Hubby wanted you to see a photo of my butt. I'm sorry.

9:30 a.m. I arrive home and we mess around for quite some time. We have tantrums, naps, lunch, playtime, showers, hubby mows the lawn, basically it is just laid back.

1:45 p.m. We go to the mall because hubby got a promotion and he can't just wear jeans to work anymore.

2:45 p.m. We pick up my 4 year old cousin and go out to a BEAUTIFUL garden and have a wonderful time.

The babies crawled in tunnels. They have just discovered slides and love them.

Ocean's first wishing weed!

The babies absolutely adore water. They love to get in it any chance they can. They were so happy that there were many opportunities for this at the garden. I am thrilled that they love water because I do too. And Ocean's name would be pretty stupid if he was scared of water.

5:00 p.m. We head back into town to eat some dinner. We have pizza. The babies eat TWO pieces. Last week they went to daycare for one day and she had to text me to tell me they eat a lot. They also each ate an entire turkey sandwich for lunch. Wowza! I can't believe Peanut is only in the 15th percentile for weight with these eating habits. I enjoy a glass of wine. I feel a little on the trashy side watching my one year olds eat pizza directly off the table (with cheese pulled off) while I hit the sauce. Ah well, what can you do? If you are ever in Kansas City you need to try this pizza - it has a sweet pizza sauce, cheese, pickles, mustard, onions, and hamburger. MMMMM!!!!

6:15 p.m. Babies play out on the deck for awhile as I sit on hubby's lap and we watch. They are so funny. They have a house and a barbecue that is their size and they are very busy. Ocean goes out front with hubby to water plants and Peanut sits on my lap while we watch them. She pulls of my sunglasses and tries unsuccessfully to put them on.

7:30 p.m. It's bathtime! I take a little break because I am starting to feel the burn from my 6 and something mile run this morning.

8:00 p.m. We give them their big bottles (pedi said we could wait until 15 months to take them off, just so you know) and they drift off to sleep. Both of them are in their cribs by 8:45.

I am going to bed early again this Saturday as I am sore as hell and also tired from a lovely afternoon outdoors!

Doctor's Appointment

2011-04-28T12:58:00.003-05:00

The babies had their one year appointment. I made sure that Ocean had a nice hair do for it because of course pediatrician's make sure that babies have nice hair. It didn't get messed up when they mushed his head against that thing that they measure their height though.

They were so cute. They babbled and smiled at everyone. They were very good. The doctor said that their percentages were slipping, but not in a way that made her alarmed. Ever needs Eucerin lotion for her arms instead of baby lotion but that was about it!

The horrible thing was of course shots and today was a big one, getting blood drawn. I cried before the babies did. Yep. You should laugh at me right now. Hubby sat down with Osh and they nurse told me to go on in and I said "NO!" But everyone lived and they did quite well, much better than I expected!

Here are the stats for you:

Ocean
31 inches - 79th percentile
22 lbs 8 oz - 43rd percentile

Ever
29 inches - 42nd percentile
19 lbs 3 oz - 15th percentile

I already knew they were perfect, but just hearing those words from a medical professional makes it all the better. We are so happy to have found a doctor who is laid back like we are. They never push ANYTHING. She didn't push breastfeeding on me like many docs do, but asked and told me my options. She always makes us feel good about the choices we have made. She did recommend dairy, but when I told her we are attempting to eliminate it entirely from our house she didn't bat an eyelash and told us just to give them a Vitamin D supplement. It was nice and easy. The nurse commented on how I am a great first time parent and they are surprised they don't hear from me more often, which is very common I guess.

Unfortunately, I also had an appointment. My c-section scar still burns after certain activities and will sometimes swell. I have to go back to my surgeon tomorrow morning to see what we need to do because there are probably endometrioma from the c-section as well as adhesions that could have attached to my abdominal wall. Bummer. I wonder how the appointment will go with me and two very mobile toddlers . . . .

What? You think it's weird that I take my camera with me to doctor's appointments? Well, if you haven't figured out that I'm kind of weird you may have issues.